I'm sorry to find you here, but glad you are one more person that decided you want to improve yourself. What from were I am sitting it seems you are already in the right direction.
First, reading the DB and DR helps a lot. Reading other posts in this board will help a lot too. As well, as many other literature you can get your hand on because it helps to read and learn.
Collin, it would also be helpful to us if you can update your signature with your age, kids?
Now, don't punish yourself so much. We are all human beings and we wouldn't if we never did anything wrong. The first bad feeling we feel when we are left behind, is that we failed, we took for granted, etc.
With time you will start seeing that you did a lot of good too, and your W made some mistakes too. I used to blame myself a lot, and now I can see that many times when I behaved badly it was a reaction to my XH's behavior.
What Cadet said is very, very true. She is giving you time, and maybe she is giving you an ultimatum to see if you will respond to it and make yourself a better man.
As you tell us more about you and your marriage, we will understand better about the dynamic inside your marriage.
Now, don't fool yourself thinking that you will be all "Mr.Perfect" next month. It won't happen because it is not very easy to turn around some of our life time patterns. So be patient with yourself and make changes that you can keep.
Try do not be someone today and another person tomorrow. It will make your situation worse.
What you did last night was good. It's a start. As I understand it has been building up inside your W for quite long time, so be patient. It will take quite some time for her to let go her anger, resentment towards you.
Get yourself to work and start listing what are your ideas you think you can take to make yourself the person only a fool would leave?
You can start somewhere and then post here, we will give our opinions, thumb's up, criticism and 2 x 4s, but that will help you to get to your own conclusion of what "YOU" want.
Also, try to start doing something on your own. Be a bit more secretive, do not try to spend more time then you need with her. Don't be afraid that if you are not glue to her that she will think you are OK with everything and just feel at easy.
She is also hurting. She is scared and probably reluctant (if there is no one else in the picture). Even the spouse that decides to leave feels a lot of pain and confusion.
Some easy fixer ups are your appearance, do you like what you see in the mirror? If not, slowly start changing it... not for her, but for you.
The journey can be long, but it is worthy to try, you won't regret. You will become a better person and in the way you may get your W back.
I hear you Collin. You want others to think like you and sometimes you tell them how they should think and feel. "hey, I'm a great H, you should feel lucky to have me". Nobody appreciates others telling them how they should think and feel. It's controlling, arrogant, and demeaning.
If you do things (actions again) that REPEATEDLY demonstrate (not just once) that you are worthy of being thought to be an awesome H then she will let you know through her actions. Obviously, you have REPEATEDLY demonstrated the opposite and she is letting you know through her actions.
Me:49 W:45 M:19 T:22 EA confirmed and ended 8/2014 S:19,17 D:9,5
The good news is that it isn't too late! You are smart to recognize that you will need to be patient and that time is a gift. Be the best Collin and Dad that only a fool would leave. Let your actions speak for themselves.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Sorry Collin, but you are among friends and the advice given so far is great. We all want this fixed NOW. The reality is that it can't be and nor should it be. You, like the rest of us LBS have been working all our lives to provide and take care of our families. We chose to give up part of our identity as individuals for the good of the M. Well my friend, now we get to "find ourselves" also. Just like the overused phrase that the WAS use. I am back again. 8 years ago I was here and wife came back. We didnt really fix the issues but my DBing IS what got her back. Now I am in same boat and have been really learning through this forum. A lot of it really does sound counter intuitive but it works. I think most of us LBS have lost the "mystery" that attracted WAS to us in the beginning. Time to get that back. That, to me, is what DB is all about. Keep us posted buddy.
Fight the good fight no matter the quality of your opponent.
Me-50 WAW-45 S13 Married 24 years Bomb 1-Jan.2008 Disc. EA She came back for 8 years Bomb 2-Jan-2016 Separation 3-12-2016
You can't tell her how she should feel or think. Just let your actions allow her to decide to come back. Actions not words. Words are meaningless.
If I had a dollar for every time I heard that...from her! Now, if I'd have only listened...maybe I wouldn't be in this situation.
So own this statement. Do as the others are telling you and begin taking actions. Keep them centered on becoming a better version of who you are right now without thought as to her reactions. This is something to internalize as it will give you the sense of motion, accomplishment, and give you time away from thinking about your sitch. And in case you haven't gotten to that point yet, the actions to take now are 180s, GAL, and following sandi's rules. Good starting points.
M: 8.5 T:10 Me:37 W:34 S:6
Retrouvaille and W moves back- 7/31/15 Piecing - 7/4/15 to present
So. Do I start the GAL and changing myself now are once she moves out? It would definitely increase the "surprise value" if she is not living in the house. Right now the situation is we are co-existing like roommates raising our 12 yo daughter. She is looking to do her move in April when our daughter is tracked out of school and she go stay with a friend for a while. I just don't know what to do in the meantime. I guess just try to make the best of it and NOT get into any disagreements that will set any hope of reconciliation back tremendously. It's just hard seeing and hanging out with my wife I love and not being able to act like her husband and then sleeping on the couch at night.
One blessing in all of this (if any) is I think for the first little while our daughter will be with me during the week and her on the weekends. I am not only going to use this to be a better me and better husband but to be a better dad. I feel like the trouble between my wife and I has kind of put a damper on our relationship too. That and you know how hormonal and moody 12 yo girls can be.
M:36 W:31 D:12 M: 8/9/10 ILYBNILWY/"want space": 2/14-ish/16 W moved out 5/24/16.
It's so hard. Because you're having a figure day and having fun with your wife and you think to yourself, "this is great things are working great it's going to work out!". Then she makes some comment about moving out still last night and once again I'm sleeping on the couch. I've perfected the art of keeping my mouth shut and walking away. But it's just so dag on disheartening.
M:36 W:31 D:12 M: 8/9/10 ILYBNILWY/"want space": 2/14-ish/16 W moved out 5/24/16.
My advice would be "why wait" to start GAL'ing and improving yourself? If you put it off, you may never start. And, start improving your relationship with your daughter, too. I find that great dads are very attractive to us moms, so start making changes now. It seems to take a lot of time for WAS to believe the changes are "here to stay". So, show her that you have changed - not by talking about it, but by showing consistently in your actions.
M 44 H 46 M 20yrs T 25 yrs S15 S12
ILYBINILWY 7/18/15 Move to MBR 9/8/15 Physical Separation 10/10/15 Suspect A 8/2015 Confirm A 12/27/15 D filed by H 2/2/16
My church asked me to help out/be a leader with a youth event from April 8-10. This date also corresponds with the time where my daughter will be out of town and my wife moving out. I'm thinking about just letting the church know I can't participate because I don't think I will mentally be "in it". I just don't know how I can be a leader at a church event helping the youth grow in Christ, when my world is falling apart around me.
I don't know what to do...
M:36 W:31 D:12 M: 8/9/10 ILYBNILWY/"want space": 2/14-ish/16 W moved out 5/24/16.
