So last night we had the house showing but before that I got called in to work and W texts back if I did nay cleaning? Really? I ignored it. Then she is texting me when I am getting back, really I was at work repairing broken equipment and she is asking me to come home fast.
I did come home and took the kids and dog for a walk. It was cold and we had to come back, she is telling me to stay out as the showing was still on. I came back anyway as we were all cold, and told her that.
After the open house, W comes down to where me and the kids were playing, and says she is going to head over to the gay neighbors house, some of the other neighbors were there too, she wont be long. Soon as I heard that I turned around and ignored her and focused on my kids. She was lying there was no one else there but her and him, she just said that because I said before that is wrong for her to be there alone with him.
I was so mad. Does she think having a sign on the lawn indicate that she can just ignore how I feel about this and even though she knows It hurts me and I dislike that she goes there to tenth degree, she had that nervous voice and was lying to me and was going over there anyway.
How can I trust her or have any type of relationship with here even co parent if she is going to flat out lie to me and show that she truly does not care how I feel about it. So was she waiting till the sign was up, now the other neighbors know she doesn't have to hide anymore? She was gone for an hour and half, Kids were in bed, she didn't say god night to them.
I had a five year old kid from two houses down, after I came home from work my door bell and ask why my W and I want to live apart. I told her I don't know you will have to ask my W.
I could smell something off her when she came home, it must be what his place smells like. I am so mad, I don't know what to do.
So do I confront W about this disrespectful way she hurt me last night. Or do I let it go.
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
Vise, buddy, let it go. Recognize the fact that she has the right to do what she wants to do, afterall, she is divorcing you...
Any ranting from you will just come off as weak. And you have to realize, she does not give the fcuk about your feelings. What on earth would have you believe she worries about your feelings? It is all about her from now on, in her mind she has sacrificed herself for years and years and now it is time for her to be happy... I am not saying that is true, I am only pointing out what is on her mind...
And for the sake of the argument, let's assume you do speak to her about her "disrespectful" behavior, what good could possibly come out of it? I frankly see none, none what so ever. Please share with us if you see any possible benefit.
Detach and stay strong buddy, that is the only way to go...
It is SO counterintuitive...but all of us have GOT to DETACH from our W, WW, WAW, WAH, etc.
I have found that I am increasingly more 'myself' and happy when I try to develop the 'independent' attitude that is going to insulate me from her every 'word' and 'deed'.
I know that it, in now way, takes away the sting of something like last night's incident...but reading the stories of those on this board stands as proof that we can, and will move on.
Basically...I look at it like I will NO LONGER allow her to control my emotions. I am so SICK of letting her actions and moods dictate my ability to find some joy. It was/is sucking the life out of my ability to provide, my ability to be an amazing dad, a good son, and friend to those around me. Screw that...I can't fix her anyway!
Sometimes it just helps me to nut up, put on some strong music, scream 'F that!' and pour myself into the lives of those who DO want and LOVE me. Now.
Ojap M 13 T 15 D 11 D 11 D 9 BD #1: ILYBNILWY 09/2015 BD #2: W asks for S 12/2015 ---------- Currently: Limbo
possible benefit is she avoids doing things that will hurt me and think how her actions affect our R even if its just co parenting.
As for the divorcing me. This has never came out of her mouth. Maybe just wishful thinking on my part but all that has been mentioned was S, she was needing space to see it her feelings for me came back, that she wants them to, she just needs the space to give it a chance.
If that is the case then there is two side to that, I need her to respect my feelings and if I am to want to have nay type of R with me she need to show me that she can interact with me truthfully and respectfully.
I know how this sounds but I have kids with her, divorced or not we are going to have to interact.
Maybe my thoughts are not correct but this is what I am feeling and I want to tear a strip off her for last night. How can I trust her at all right now. With the S so close to being signed and with so much trust needed to sign it, how can I trust anything she has said.
This has set us back, on the rad to S and I want to tell her that.
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
possible benefit is she avoids doing things that will hurt me and think how her actions affect our R even if its just co parenting.
As for the divorcing me. This has never came out of her mouth. Maybe just wishful thinking on my part but all that has been mentioned was S, she was needing space to see it her feelings for me came back, that she wants them to, she just needs the space to give it a chance.
If that is the case then there is two side to that, I need her to respect my feelings and if I am to want to have nay type of R with me she need to show me that she can interact with me truthfully and respectfully.
I know how this sounds but I have kids with her, divorced or not we are going to have to interact.
Maybe my thoughts are not correct but this is what I am feeling and I want to tear a strip off her for last night. How can I trust her at all right now. With the S so close to being signed and with so much trust needed to sign it, how can I trust anything she has said.
This has set us back, on the rad to S and I want to tell her that.
Vise,
she does not give a fcuk about your feelings. I know it is hard to believe, but it is what it is.
I am sorry to be bursting your bubble, but her saying that she needs space and time to sort her feelings is crap, you have to realize that. Ask Sandi if you do not believe me. And us poor schmucks we go thinking Oh, just a week or so of being apart and we're back in business. Her saying she needs time to sort her feelings is just to ease her guilt towards you.
Ok, for the sake of the argument, let's assume that she has romantic feeling to the gay neighbors. That would mean that she (currently at least) has no romantic feelings towards you. And believe be, she bloody well knows how you feel about her going to the neighbor's, and guess what, she does not give a fcuk... Does she touch you in an affectionate way? Does she kiss you? Are you allowed to touch her? Well I would be hugely surprised if your answer is yes to any of these questions.
You tearing her a new one for seeing the neighbor will only make you look weak and pathetic. And what will you do if (when) she decides to go over again? Again a hissy fit?
Vise, my friend, she currently does not respect you or your feelings and for her feelings to resurface, she will have to respect you first...
I can't really add much. Vapo hit it all. There is no reason you should get into any of this with her. I think you look at S a little different than her. In her eyes you are done. I don't care what she tells you.
I do know if you go and start bringing this up you will push her further. She will immediately want to do exactly what you are complaining about.
Read the 37 rules and your answer will be clear. The anger is yours. Not hers.
M 37 W 34
T 12 M 8 D 7 S 4
Need break 4/12/15 W no ring 7/7/15
Separate room 4/12/15 Separate living suggested 8/15 W moved out 11/1/15
I get what you are saying. I would like to be in a place where her actions have no affect on how I feel. Then I wouldn't be feeling what I am right now.
It would be freedom from the trap of being hurt by her. This is the hard part, how does that happen, the detachment. It has been discussed on here many times I have read about it many times. Its about letting go. I don't know if that is a choice or what but slowly it is going to happen, It has not yet for me or I wouldn't be feeling what I am feeling right now.
VAPO,
You are correct I have not touched her or even tried to touch her in months. She hasn't kissed me in years, except one drunken night the last time we had sex.
I don't think its so black and white with how she thinks about my feelings. Its more of a she cares more about this other guy more that she cares about me. That is the part that stings. When she leaves she is making a choice between him and me and I loose. With her not respecting me, well I don't respect her.
I am so mad.
I hope that using this forum will ease some of that anger.
I know what I should do and I was Ok faking it and being there with our good interaction in the house, but right now I want to kick her out and send her across the street to live.
To leave this alone, I can do that. I don't want to look weak and pathetic. It this anger that I need to control. Yesterday I helped her out and got home early and for what for her to crap on me???
We still need each other right now to get this S to go through, for each of us to act civil for the kids, for us to work together to split the house up and get paper work together. I am to be strong and just let it go and act like I am ok with it all?
I am not, I am forced to do this, forced to S, forced to not take it to court. Forced to move.
I did not force her to marry me. It was her choice, and it was her choice to tell me it not me its her for two years while we were having problems. She chose to lie about what she was feeling inside to me. She chose to let the MR die inside of her with out letting me know that was happening. That the problems were so bad that it was going to end the MR.
This is so exhausting.
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
We still need each other right now to get this S to go through, for each of us to act civil for the kids, for us to work together to split the house up and get paper work together. I am to be strong and just let it go and act like I am ok with it all?
Hell no. Let her do ALL the work. It is her separation, not yours. WTF should you do ANY work at all. You can just tell her you recognize her right to do her thing, but she can do the work herself. Fcuk that $hit!
I agree w/ Vapo. My W hasn't 'went there'....yet. But if she wants S...then SHE has to do it. Plain and simple. It isn't what I want. So...I will not be party to it. I will hold myself accountable for my mistakes. I will treat her with respect in front of the kids (because they internalize the blame). But agreed...he11 no!
She did 'cake eat' on you last night. You should be pissed. Calling you 'home fast', telling you the house wasn't cleaned, then off to do 'her own thing'. You absolutely can establish a boundary against that kind of crap.
My earlier comments were more 'internal' and reflective so that you can manage the stuff better on an emotional level.
Ojap M 13 T 15 D 11 D 11 D 9 BD #1: ILYBNILWY 09/2015 BD #2: W asks for S 12/2015 ---------- Currently: Limbo
The neighbor is just a placeholder, someone else will fill that role at some point. You assume she doesn't want a D but she's basically emotionally divorced from you. Her being civil and caring about you not to hurt you doesn't mean she wants a romantic relationship with you anymore, or ever will. It's hard but it's the same with mine. Don't connect those two dots and assume something will come from it eventually. Also, your spending way too much time antipicating and expecting how things will progress in the future. That wishful thinking is denial. You don't have to assume she does want D but don't assume it's just a temporary separation either, move forward and let the chips fall where they fall.
Let me ask you one question to get you thinking for a while. Don't need to respond here, just consider it. Her own issues aside(since this is about her) what have you really changed about you. Why would she want to remain married to you instead of moving onto someone/Something new. What is it that you bring to the table that will attract her back. Dig deep here. Stability for the kids and a better lifestyle because of incomes are likely guaranteed so they can't be the main points.
You do alot of talking about what she's doing that's so hurtful to you and very little about yourself other than a few new activities.
Accept what is, let go of what was, and have faith in what will be
