Maybe you need to create a real or imaginary outline and make yourself agree to stick to it? If she strays off topic to places you want to go that get you stuck, the conversation or say, "Sorry, Mom, can we talk later? Gotta go!" Learn how to take charge of the parts of your chats that lead you to the traps.
Regarding your imagining - you realize that what you focus on expands. Promise yourself to live today and today only. Stop looking to the future and take care of today. The more you stay present, the better off you'll be.
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
Betsey, we had a really pleasant conversation and then at the end she threw out the dig. I couldn't have dodged it at all so I can either be in a perpetual defensive posture or try to learn how to absorb the unexpected hits.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
Hey MB, Sorry your mom can be so tough. Perpetual defensive posture sounds really uncomfortable! Absorbing the unexpected hits is the way to go, I think. My personal favored method is to 1) take a deep breath; 2) smile wide 3) subvocalize "a-hole" 4) exhale.
Alternatively, you could replace step 3 with either compassion (only a person with a lot of gunk inside would act that way), or relief that you are more self-aware and a more centered person.
The three children have united in asking me if I would be upset if they ask Mr. Fantastic if they can live a week with me and a week with him now that he's moving into a big house. Of course I said I wouldn't be. But the thought scares me.
1) he says yes. This opens a storm of renegotiation of the settlement agreement.
2) he says no. The children are traumatized and I have to cope with it. D12 (about to be 13) goes back to being incredibly unmanageable.
I'm anxious.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
She texted him the request. She said he told her to follow up with me. I texted him and he scoffed at the idea, said she had no right to ask, and that he considered it a non-serious request. Do I send her back to him to say she's serious, or do I break it to her gently? I could show her his text if I wanted to be harsh but I can't stand the idea of hurting her this way.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I'm not really the kids specialist around here, but I'm surprised a request this serious was handled by text. Part of me thinks that it should have been handled through you, as you tell him that this is what the kids have asked and that you're open to it. It would be a good opportunity to ask him why he thinks it's not serious, how he wants to tell the kids, etc. I know you don't like to talk to him and in general, you've asked them to express their needs directly to him, but this sounds like a big request that has much to do with the D settlement and your co-parenting.
As a 50/50 dad, it pains me to think he wants less than the maximum he could have. But then again, he never impressed me.
M39 D6 D3 (at S) S 2014-09 D 2016-09
"You can't start a fire sitting around, crying over a broken heart" - Bruce Springsteen.
Mr. Fantastic only telephones the children on the Sunday that I have them. So D12 either texts him or waits till she sees him in person. (She says, in true post-milennial form, that people of her generation do not telephone) I expected her to wait till she saw him tonight but apparently she was too excited to wait. I texted him because I wanted to confirm that she had conveyed the message correctly. If this had been a serious discussion I certainly would have held it in person. With lawyers present. Because the entire settlement agreement would have been impacted.
I never expected him to be anywhere close to agreeing to more time with the children. Not only did S10 make the same request two years ago, when there wasn't even the issue of the settlement agreement to consider, but Mr. Fantastic rejected the idea of keeping them overnight during the week ever (and only does it now as a huge favor to me when I have a work obligation and the kids have no school the next morning) AND he didn't ask for any extra time when we were negotiating the settlement agreement. If anything, his requests read as getting him out of any additional responsibility whatsoever. He doesn't follow up with anything but the most obvious parenting responsibilities and pushes everything back to me as often as possible. Down to buying clothes for his house, which he won't do because the kids then wear them back to my house and he doesn't see them again. There is more about this but there's no point in getting worked up about it.
I just got another long weird text from him. He makes me sick at heart. It's like he wants to get his way without looking like an a$$hole. I don't know how to answer him. I don't know how to discuss this with my kids. I don't know why he would think they WOULDN'T want more time with him, or why he doesn't want more time with them when they ask him for it. I am so sorry I chose him to be their father.
Me42, H40 D12, S8, S7 A revealed: 7/13 Sep 4/14; Agreed to D 1/15
I'm sorry you are going through this. I understand your frustration. My ex does not have 50/50. he does every other weekend and a half a night a week. It was Friday and Saturday night with a return home at 6pm on Sunday, but when our D was 5, she was super upset she didn't see him much. So he agreed to sunday.
Our custody arrangement had started off him having her 3 nights a week because I worked 3 nightshifts a week. He would only do the 3 nights convienent to him, and with my line of work, I didn't get to pick my shifts. My job worked with me the best they could, but it wasn't fair to others. So I changed my job from one that I loved to be on a more regular schedule. When that happened, all he wanted was every other weekend and NOT the night a week. Too inconvienent for him. I said too darn bad, you are getting less time now even with that one night a week.
At this current day, like I said, he does every other weekend and his half a night a week. His W gets my D to school in the morning during the week that is his. I handle EVERYTHING, eh babysits her. he has it just as he wants it. Last year, my now D8 went though a period of big upset over the divorce and the custody schedule. (mind you, she has known her life no other way than us being divorced. It's difficult to explain why she is with mom so much more, but I simply used the work card. Is it the right thing to do? I don't know. I said daddy gets home from work too late and there isn't always someone to drive you in the morning over there. She's gotten over it and is fine with the schedule now.
I don't know what your text from your ex looks like, but do you feel like perhaps instead of you explaining why he won't take the extra time, you can get your ex to do it? Don't bail him out. I can imagine living with a teen disappointed by her father is very difficult (surely, I will be there one day), but you can't explain everything away. Let him handle this one. Be there for your daughter, but let him take responsibility for his own decision.
I hate to intrude because I am not an active participant in these forums, but generally most professionals recommend making sure that kids understand that custody decisions, including where they live, are adult decisions. And are handled by the parents, and perhaps even a Judge, but while you respect their desires, it isn't up to them. There are only really a handful of states where Judges are mandated to even listen to kids on what they want in terms of custody/visitation.
Your settlement was signed by a Judge right? Lots of divorced parents use legal language with their kids -- we have to stick with what the Judge said to handle these kinds of discussions. In other words, they "blame" the court. When your kids came to you, you might have said, "interesting idea, but the daddy and I along with the Judge decided this was best." And then you could have privately brought it up with your X. You knew he was going to say no -- that is what he does -- and he will always disappoint them. This is why they are blessed to have you.
I wouldn't protect him, but I am not sure I would show her the text. I might tell her that dad says no.
Gently, do you want him to say yes? Do you think he would be a good and effective parent? If not, I would want this conversation to end. If you don't think it is a good idea for them to live with him 50 percent of the time, then don't encourage them to ask him. He may feel pushed and eventually say yes. Then what/
Their father isn't living up to their expectations. That stinks. Sooner, rather than later, they will start to moderate their expectations.
