Baby steps

[Painter]

Sure, I will pop over there!

[Painter]

Not sure if I should update. Hardly anything new to tell. H and I drift apart, then are drawn back together, then drift apart, etc.

But it feels a lot more apart than together - just glimpses of closeness that H seems to quickly resent. I long for someone who wants to hold my hand and hug me, who wants to spend time together. Not someone who doesn't like being touched or who feels like he is 'forced' if he gives me a hug, and who can't think of a single thing we can do to spend time together.

In conversations, he frequently chooses to bring up something he knows we disagree about. There is also a lot of complaining and negativity about other people. I really want to live with a positive and tolerant attitude, not angry and suspicious. It has always seemed to me that he feeds off anger and talking badly about others.

I am looking very hard these days at what this R really is. It's not what I want for myself, and it hasn't been in a long time. I read many stories here where people were happy for a long time before it went bad. I don't think H and I have been truly happy since back when we were dating. He started raging at me from the day I moved in, and I have never been able to figure out why. He wouldn't tell me when I asked, and wouldn't come to counseling with me. It's been expected that I should be a mind-reader. I'm really bad at that.

What I take from what he says now, is that he feels controlled and like his space is invaded by having a partner. He complains about my presence, the money I cost. We may just be a poor fit.

I always felt that his lack of decisiveness and planning left it up to me to plan and be decisive. Turns out he really wants to just be impulsive and do what he wants, when he wants it. It was a little tricky to live like that with 3 kids, an aging parent (his) and an old house, but the urge seems to be so strong that it sounds like he feels that he has been robbed of his freedom for the last 15 years.

There are signs of a MLC, I think? The almost desperate urge for freedom, wanting to be his own master, buying a motorcycle - but in actuality spending his time exhausted on the couch, watching TV...

[mutatio]

"I don't think H and I have been truly happy since back when we were dating." This is what my wife says, that she has not been happy for a very long time in this marriage.

"Turns out he really wants to just be impulsive and do what he wants, when he wants it." Again sounds like my life. Most of the time she chooses to stay in her room or work. She answers only to herself.

"There are signs of a MLC, I think? The almost desperate urge for freedom, wanting to be his own master" I don't know if my wife is in a MLC but sometimes I think so.

The point of my post is to simple say your not alone. I have the same circumstance as you, except my wife does not talk to me. I am now back to being ignored when I say "Good Morning". Hang in ther Painter, the future will become clear in it's own time. Peace

[Painter]

Thank you, Mutatio. I'm sorry she is not even cordial to you. Rudeness really ticks me off, it is so unnecessary. We just have to continue to be faithful to our own values and standards.

H has expressed that over the years my unhappiness, or rather dissatisfaction/longing for more connection, has made him feel hopeless about the M. I feel bad about that. I also feel bad that he has the attitude (and he has said this straight out many times) that a R should not require any effort or work. He feels that if it's not right just as it is, it's better to move on. I think this is the reason I'm wife #5.

I had a good session with the MC today (H didn't want to come anymore). She urged me to get back into writing. I can tell I have more creativity bubbling up these days.

[Painter]

H is back, he was gone a week (business). He was very tired when he came back. He gave me a hug that was more like leaning on me to show how exhausted he was. That was the only physical contact we had. We had dinner and watched TV, then he went to bed (separate bedroom).

I was probably not at my most cheerful, we haven't had much communication while he was gone, and yesterday's call was not great. I had prepared dinner for him, though.

He made some negative assumptions about things taking place at home while he was gone (noticed some things were different and assumed I had done something he doesn't like). He was wrong, and I told him what the cause was. I get exhausted trying to explain these things to him, he makes me feel so defensive, like he's always looking to attack me for something.

I can't live with this. I can't live with someone who won't or can't communicate except negatively. I spend way too much time guessing what he wants or thinks, he's holding my attention by being so withholding. It's the whole intermittent reinforcement thing.
If I have to GAL to the degree that I don't even think about my R or H, it seems pointless.

I need a partner who has self-insight and can express himself. This is killing me slowly, I can't live like this. I've tried to communicate for 15 years, but his idea of talking is that he says what he thinks and that's the end of it.

He says he wants to save the M and doesn't want to S, but he's not doing the work because he 'doesn't like to be told what to do' and thinks it should be all organic and come naturally. Counseling is like 'telling a neighbor about our problems'. He can't think of a single thing we can do together on our time off, because he just wants to do the one thing he enjoys most (guy stuff) and is not willing to compromise on that (which he himself volunteered was being a little difficult).

We can manage a S financially, but I'm not sure at this point if I should take the initiative (I would want him to move out and he knows that) or just keep on working towards more independence.

Officially, we're 'piecing'. He's not doing much of anything, it feels like. He is trying to control his temper, and I think he's doing better, which is great. It really is, after 15 years I didn't think it was possible. Maybe it will benefit #6. I really think I would like to S. I have been trying to work this for 2 years but I don't know if I have anything left.

I don't think he likes me or wants to be with me. I saw his face when he talked about OW (last winter) and he doesn't have any of those feelings for me. I've seen his big grin in the selfie they took of themselves and he just got weird and moved away when I tried to take a picture of us on a rare outing last fall.

If anyone has anything hopeful to contribute, please feel free! I'm all out today.

[PigPen]

Not much to contribute other than a hug Painter. You sound exhausted and rightly so. Cruelty is draining, energetically and physically. I can only imagine the level of fatigue and egg shell walking you must be dealing with.

I'm sorry I don't have more for you other than support and empathy.

And another hug,

PP

[Thornton]

Hey Painter,

I don't think I've ever posted on you sitch but wanted you to know I'm thinking of you.

Thorn

[Painter]

Thank you, both of you. It's good to be among friends.

[kiwiGAL]

Ah, Painter, you were so kind and helpful to me - and are going through so much yourself. You are wonderful to be so thoughtful - thank you and thinking of you.

[melweb]

Hi Painter--I've never posted on your thread either, and I only wish I had something hopeful to contribute. Sadly, we seem to be in the same sinking ship.

I thought H and I were piecing too, after he told me in January that he was not leaving me and I did not have to live in fear. I have no 'concrete' evidence of EA or PA, but just this week PA seems likely, as he went on a biz trip with 3 condoms and 5 Cialis, but came home with no condoms and 4 Cialis. He was home just in time to grab 2 more Cialis and is off on another biz trip for 9 days. Communication is minimal when he is on trips, but it feels more purposeful now. Like he is intentionally avoiding me. Well--he probably is!!

I too want to save my M. And he knows it. I know the road to reconciliation is not an easy one, but I get the same things from my H--he's in, he's out, he's hot, he's cold. I cannot imagine doing this for two years!! My heart just breaks for you.