Time for a new direction

[job]

From where I'm sitting, you didn't hurt your FIL by asking for the key. If he took it the wrong way, shame on him, i.e., after all you and your h are separated. You explained the reason for the request and I would now let it go. Get some additional keys made to have on hand and put them in a safe place. Don't give them keys to the deadbolt. They don't need them since you have a friend that watches your fur babies when you are away. If you and your h ever, and I mean ever decide to divorce, then change the locks. But for now, I think you explained yourself quite well and it's up to him to let it go.

You do realize that when you have "family" time which involves more than and hour or two, you end up w/moments of sadness? Why? Because you can see what life could be like if he would just wake up...but alas, he's not there yet and you are moving forward by leaps and bounds and he's still wallowing in MLC. Answers will come when they are ready, not when you want them. Everything happens in its own time for many reasons.

Pamper yourself a bit today.

[mleigh4]

Sotto, Lou, Job, thank you for hugs and being there for me. I slept terrible and had a bad dream that H got an attorney, who contacted me to let me know to get one too.

I accept I stirred up trouble by asking for my keys, I should just have the other bolt lock keyed to match my new one and Walla! Or just get some extra keys. That being said, it's done, however I continue to be quite ticked at FIL reaction. Who is he to dictate who has keys to MY house!!?? Unbelievable but not worth it, I am letting it go. If H asks me about it tonight, I will answer with a question. Why do your parents need keys to the home I live in? And maybe Did you give them keys to your place?

I have gotten myself an answer to a big question though!! Why do I have so much anger towards my in-laws? Ya, they are overbearing, annoying and controlling, but most parents are. The reason is I feel abandoned by them. They have not been there for me, have not checked to see how I am, check to see if I need help with anything.....they don't even talk about what has happened. When I see his parents, they act as if nothing has changed...There is no talk about my feelings, H feelings, their feelings....it's total avoidance and denial, total la la land. I truly feel they bailed on me when H did.

So, what to do with that? Feel it, process it and learn to let it go. I have already cut them out of my world as much as I could, best to keep it that way.

Lou, you are right, they are my son's grandparents and I will respect that

Feeling a bit better today. It feels good to be busy at work again. Thanks again and hope you all are having a better day

[2Times2Many]

Hi Mleigh4,

I don't post often to other's threads (my bad) but I do follow a lot of folks here, including you.

I wanted to chime in on in-laws. I'm don't recall exactly what the dynamics were prior to h's MLC, but it sounds like your MIL was difficult before all this happened (she actually sounds a little like my own mother in some ways). Throw in the MLC and things can get even more dicey.

I think that when this kind of stuff happens, the in-laws (as well as your own family) really don't know how to act or respond. H has changed, you have changed, the life you all shared has changed and they are clueless as to what happened. It must all be so confusing to them.

I think you are right to lay down some boundaries with them. Life as they knew it is not the same and the boundaries are different now. They just need to learn what those new boundaries are. Kudos to you for putting forth the effort to teach them. They are, after all, your S8s grandparents, so some kind of mutually acceptable R has to be considered, for S8s sake. They need to learn and, unfortunately, it seems that it has fallen on your shoulders to do it. It's a tough wire to walk, but I think the effort put forth now will make life much easier for you and S8 in the long run.

I also wanted to add that traveling without a companion is not all that bad. I do it often and actually kind of enjoy it. I don't have to accommodate anyone else's ideas of what would be fun and can avoid doing things that really don't interest me. I always plan what I do around what would be enjoyable to do by myself and, surprisingly, I've met some very interesting people. Another thing I have discovered is that once hotel people realize you are on your own, they go over the top to help you out and "cater" to you. I may look like some sad Miss Lonely Hearts, but I get to take full advantage of those who "pity" me. Sad, but it seems to be true, and I've learned to use it.

My best to you and your S8.

[bttrfly]

Hi Mleigh,

I'm sorry you are having a tough time of it. {{{{{hugs}}}}}. Don't really have much to add to everyone else's posts, just sending love and hugs your way.

oxoxoxoxox

[HaWho]

Hi Mleigh - so sorry you have had a rough few days. I am thinking of you and want to lend my support.

I don't have anything to add in the way of advice but I want you to know I am thinking of you. That is very painful that your in-laws fell off the map through all this.

You are such a strong inspirational woman! Be kind to yourself.

[mleigh4]

Hi 2times, thank you for posting. I was really close to MIL prior to my son being born. She was amazing, helped me through the birth, I don't know what I would have done without her. After the birth, things changed. H listened to her over me as far as helping me with son. Ie, He refused to feed him a bottle, his mom said it caused nipple confusion. He kept tightly swaddling son, although it was clear he hated it. Nothing I said mattered, H listened to his mom. It went downhill from there, she would not stay out of our parenting.

FIL joined us every year on family vacations for a good 5 years. I love him very much, but again, things changed at BD. FIL helped us each move out, he gave H information on divorce and how to protect himself, he has helped H get very comfortable and settled in his new home, the home he left his family for. I know blood is thicker than water, it is very clear who they support and they have hurt me.

For those reasons and many more, I have pulled away from them. Maybe they see how strong I am, and see H is the one in need of help, I don't know. But enough of that pity party

I am so excited to try some solo travel!! I have never had an issue doing things on my own, in fact some of my best moments are alone time. I am starting to look up some information, I see they have travel groups for this exact purpose. Thank you for the advice!

[mleigh4]

Bttrfly and Hawho, thanks for the hugs. It worked, I am feeling much better!

I love being back at work. Crazy how being off my routine really throws me for a loop. It's become a comfort I suppose.

Dropped off S with H last night very friendly as normal. Chat and laughs, no mention of in-laws.

I had dinner with my friend and we went for a nighttime walk. Did you see the moon last night? Beautiful! Finished off with yoga for insomnia before bed and finally slept well!

Did morning walk with dog and there was that moon again, along with a beautiful sunrise. Having a good day and once again feeling very positive. I am looking forward to getting some information on solo traveling, what a great adventure that would be!? I feel good things coming my way.....

[mleigh4]

Guess what I got in the mail today!? FIL mailed me my house key! Just the key in an envelope. I started cracking up at the mailbox At least I can laugh about it now, but I am pretty sure it's not so funny to them!

I wonder if MIL will do the same? I never did hear back from her about it, those lovely PA crickets she does so well.

Hope you are all having a good day. It's a very warm day here in Cali!

[Irish M]

Nice you had a good laugh. I am at that point too. Where I can look at all this and laugh. Sure we will have some down days but a good laugh now and again is very welcome.

Glad your weather is warm. Ice rain and snow here for me. Maybe we can do an house exchange program. loll I'll take anything with 70 degrees and warmer.

[BrightFuture]

Mleigh, I was reading your latest posts about your in-laws and thinking about what a strong woman you are. Most people have some family support, either the parents, or in-laws, or siblings, or the grown up kids… You don’t get any support from your Mother, or from your on-laws. Your son is still very young. I don’t remember if you have any siblings. I know how difficult it can be. I don’t have good relationship with my parents. I get no support from them. I don’t have in-laws. But I have my son, who at least comes to help me with some house stuff, and I know he will be there for me if anything happens. I also have my sister, who sometimes gives me a lot of grief, LOL. But, I still can call her and confine my feelings (sometimes it does me no good though, LOL.)

I don’t see why your in-laws should have the keys to your house, especially since your H is not living there. So, good for you getting the keys back from your FIL. He really doesn’t need to have them, especially after doing all that “advising” to your H regarding the D and other stuff. It is actually kind of weird in my opinion. Did he ever think about your son, his grandson when he was advising his son on protecting himself in a D process?

I’ve been thinking about joining some travel group too recently. I don’t like solo travel, except to the places where I’ve been before and feel comfortable about, like the vacation home place I go to. I even looked up the travel groups online three years ago. I was desperate then, still too heartbroken after the BD. I think I have a different prospective now, I need to look it up again. Maybe we end up in the same travel group, LOL. It would be fun!