Ghost Busting Round Six - it's about me

[Sotto]

I'm sorry Ghost...and no bashing from me - just hugs (((()))

When you see her, just let her know that you've decided you need to separate and you'll start looking for your own place. Apologise briefly for calling her so late. Let her know that you don't wish the marriage to end, but you respect her choice if she does.

Then start looking to get yourself fixed up with a place. Also, Google DRW in your area to see if you can get involved in a local group.

Sorry not to post more my friend, I'm dashing off now - but I'm sure others will be along soon. Hang on in there - you will get to the other side of this I promise.

Take care ((((()))))

[rd500]

Hi G. I really feel for you buddy. I know how you feel and it's so difficult.

I know you need support and not to be talked at but at some point you need to accept what's happening

The call was probably the worst thing you could have done and with each of these actions all you are doing is confirming her decision to leave.

G , I get you want this resolved but it can't be right now and maybe never You don't have a choice in this and that's a fact

We all have adversity in our lives and it's unavoidable Your struggling because your whole foundation has been rocked You have control of how you react and that's where your control ends.

G , pull yourself together and accept the marriage is over because it is. Accept that each call and each talk just nails the coffin lid on the marriage shut tighter and tighter

I don't know your W but while she's unique to you her actions follow a pattern seen on here time and time again In her head she's done , she's not married anymore and you are an obstacle to her happiness.

You need to make a decision to let go and work towards that goal You have no choice anyway so acceptance is not only a choice but a finality

I'm sorry this is happening to you family and its so hard to deal with but deal with it you must

Make a choice today and move forward When you get home make your plans to move and don't talk to W about anything but logistics , nothing else The hole you e dug is deep enough and the time has come to stop digging

Take stock and see what's happening

Take care. Rd

[Huddy]

Morning Ghost

OK, no bashing here either. You know that calling her was the wrong decision. You know that this can't continue. Calling the Samaritans - well, if you felt you needed that, then that's fine, but don't let this moment define the rest of your life.

At her age, going to a nightclub is a passing fad. The appeal of being out until 3/4 in the morning will soon grow poor. At the moment she feels alive, fresh, not oppressed by G (unfortunately your call simply reaffirmed that she needs to get out), but it will pass. One day she will wake up and realise what she's losing. I think it's in the DB book about people packing love away in a box and then one day finding it again and unpacking it.

Being out of the situation is the only way to go. Your W will only know what she is losing, if it is lost. Do you see what I'm saying?

We're looking out for you Ghost, but the spinning has got to stop and it's time for Ghost to put his foot down and start being a man again.

[Fogg]

Hi ghost,

I'm sorry your having such a rough time right now, I know that desperation of feeling like your loosing it àll but please listen to me, your not loosing, your gaining. You get the chance to find you and when you do youe going ti feel like a f'ing rockstar. I completely understand the pain because my W was my first and only partner also but it is not the end. We had dreams and shared everything and somewhere along the way we both neglected the M. You don't need to state what those things are in your case, it's in the past and crippling your present. The only thing you can do about them now is learn from them and tell yourself you won't make the same mistakes in the future, with her or someone else.

I wish I could show you that being separated or even divorced from the woman we thought would be there forever isn't that bad. I know it's not what you want to hear and there may still be a chance she wakes up in the future but you will be fine no matter what. I was just as bad a year ago, a crying mess desperate to talk to her. There were times when she told me certain things I would fall to my knees crying like my life was over, no G, my life was just beginning.

My W is dating OM2 right now and I felt the exact same as you have a year ago. My kids are in their rooms and spend more time with me than with her each week. My apartment is awesome and I have freedom and ways to act like I never have before. In house separation was hell, pure hell. Getting out of there allowed me to begin to find who I really was and discover my own happiness, just as it will with you. I've read how to speak about your job and hobbies so I know there's an amazing guy in you also. He's just enmeshed in W and what she's doing. Let her go G, you are going to be more than fine. If W comes back in the picture later on you will be the strong man that can build a new M with her. If not you will be the strong man who build a new M with someone else eventually.

Take care of you. You have children that depend on you and if anything ever happened to you it would devastate them more than you know. The kind of devastation that ripples through and effects their entire lives.

[Sotto]

Hi Ghost, I've just spent the day with a couple of others, helping a DRW (Divorce Recovery Workshop) friend settle into his new place.

He tried to rent somewhere last year, but found he couldn't handle that. So he has been staying with his parents for a good while. His BD is similar to mine & he found it hard to believe the M was over. He kept going back to mow the lawn, do jobs etc.

However, he has worked through things in his mind. He's rented a lovely 2 bed house and we've helped him choose some new stuff to get it nice and cosy. His S came to stay over the weekend & he hopes to do some cooking with his son.

Who knows what may happen in his M going forward? Like me, he is close to finalising D, has accepted this and sees a life for himself beyond that. Like you, he was not somewhere he wanted to be and struggled significantly for a while. But it is nice to see him laughing and joking again - enjoying new friends, and with a good support network.

Life can unfold in happy ways when we least expect it. Happiness will be around the corner for you too I think.

Do take care, keep posting and let us know how you are doing xx

[ATPeace]

Okay so things are escalating I come home from my weekend away I need to find that my wife is boxed up a whole load of stuff from the house I'm guessing it's all the things in the house that she wants to take,she s picking all the things that she wants of sentimental value

She says that she purchased the photo frames so they are hers but they were purchased throughout the marrage

[Sotto]

Hi Ghost, just stay calm. Remember the exchange you had last time and know that you want to handle things differently this time around. Is she planning to move out herself then and leave you there?

Please don't try to initiate something or persuade her against the course of action she wants to take. Respect it, accept it and then it's a new baseline to move forward from okay? Don't worry about photo frames - that's sweating small stuff.

Keep posting and deep breaths xx

[rd500]

Hi G , it not surprising after the call to be honest For what it's worth this way going to happen anyway but the call might have speeded it up

Time for G to fake it until you make it. The frames don't matter IMHO If you make a fuss she will give them back because she will see you as petite I'm not saying you are but that's how she will see it

This is going to get really tough but I do think it will benefit you in the long run

I don't think you thinking clearly at the moment and its understandlle but you need to see what's happening or you will be posting In a few weeks that you missed your chance while you were living together.

G , W is gone mate and she's been gone for a long while. Every time you mess up you hurt yourself and hurting any chance you might have one day

You will be happy again one day but you will get there quicker if you help yourself

Take care. Rd

[ATPeace]

Everything has blown up I will summarise the points

Wife goes off to work
I try to talk to my daughter eldest daughter
I try t find some if the photos that have been packed up
I ask for my daughters help in looking at the things that my W has packed so I do not get blamed for taking things or damming things

Daughter says no she will not help me
Daughter is trying to record my conversations on her phone
I say please don't record them she puts phone in nickers to stop me getting it
She starts screeming things were so much better when you were away now your home home your making me want to slit my wrists and kill her self

She is threatening to go out disappear out the house and kill her self I am [censored] scared and do not know what to do she has never done that before and it is late

I get my son to call my W at work and tell her she is going to have to come home as we have a major situation going on.

I am seriously worried for her mental health I call the police she is screeming at me to let her go out into the dark ...I get my son to get the nighbour who is a GP five police turn up to defuse the situation and tell me I did the right thing

One finds a box cutter blade that my daughter uses for work in her bag and takes that off Her

W comes home talked to daughter and the police

W tells me that we need to speak to soliciters tomorrow and that with one daughter that is suicidal things have to change and that we have to start the divodrce procedure and speak with soliciters and get the house on the market

All through out this I remain calm and I am not raising my voice or acting in any way abusive even the police tell me that I am calm and just trying to keep the situation calm

I go and stay at my mums for the night on the advice of the police officer

This is so [censored] [censored]

Time to speak to solicitors how did this get to this point

Feeling very scared

[Sotto]

Ghost, I'm sorry to hear that and it sounds as though you took good steps to protect your D.

I would take this to be the moment you have separated. If you are able, I would stay at your Mum's for the time being and start taking steps to get financials resolved and housing arrangements in place.

I don't think you guys can live together just now in such a volatile situation. Do try to keep calm & take care xx