I Think it's Way Too Late

[CWOL]

It is tricky having a close relationship with the parents of your W, when the M is on the rocks. First of all, they are her parents, not yours. Even if she's in the wrong, they eventually will support her b/c she is their child. You may be an adored son-in-law, but you are not their flesh & blood. Secondly, as you have seen, the W is extremely jealous of her parents, and I'm sure she feels that you tried to steal them away. That's why she decided to take whatever means necessary to confidence her mother to side with her. Thirdly, subconsciously, I think the LBH is wanting her parents to influence her back into the MR. That's understandable, however, it doesn't work. And you give various reasons why you told her mother or why you want to remain close to them, but at the very bottom of your heart....it's her. They are the next thing to her. You are desperately wanting to make some kind of a connection with her.

We advise the LBH not to discuss the a lot of details about MR....or seek out advice from his wife's family b/c in the long run, it can cause problems with them and you either during the reconciliation or afterwards. Maybe not in every case, but why take that chance, especially when you've already seen how badly it can turn? I would say to remain warm and friendly toward them, but let them initiate contacts, especially her mother. I don't think you should be dropping by to visit them while things are not good between you and wife. If nothing else, it probably would cause some awkwardness at this time.

This is very true in my case as well. Initially my MIL was very supportive of our marriage and swore that she will keep us together. She told WW that she would never let her leave our marriage. I was feeling very confident at that point.

It took a month for WW to turn her against me. My MIL ended up secretly funding WW's divorce lawyer behind my back. It's sad because I ended up being betrayed twice, once by WW and then her mother. My trust in her moral compass was misplaced, as blood is thicker than water.

[1313]

Thanks Sandi.

I think my 2 problems here are:

1) I would normally be visiting her Dad, especially as his health is declining. I'm torn as I feel they'll wonder why I've vanished regardless of the M.

2) I take my Mother to the same Church every week, the very same Church the W stopped going to close to a year ago.

I had always assumed they would side with the W, as you say, she is their child. Being so Christian, the MIL naturally desires some sort of reconciliation. She just can't believe her daughter would turn her back on her beliefs. At the same time, she's very forgiving (unlike my FIL) and won't question or push the W one way or the other. What will be will be. The W's sister is very, very similar. Like I said, I went over originally to say goodbye. I didn't expect what happened to happen.

When I do meet the IL's, I never bring anything up regarding the M or the W, and MIL never really asks. The FIL has asked a couple of times - and in some cases the M interjects itself which can be embarrassing. I'm sadly still in protective mode. I had asked to borrow the FIL's pick up truck to go get a table out of our storage locker.

I went over to measure the table before I got the truck, to find out the W had changed the padlock. So, I had to call and say I wasn't going to get the truck but wouldn't say why. When questioned by him later, I really just can't lie and said sadly I had been locked out - just like the home and would have to ask to be let in. So I did, and borrowed the truck about a week later.

I'll do as you suggest, and just let the MIL come over and visit my Mother. If asked, I'll go over there but I won't initiate anything. Her siblings I'm sure are siding with the W, but again - they probably have no idea about what's actually happening unless they've been told.

[Painter]

1313, I don't believe she can lock you out of marital property unless she has a court order. Your L seems to agree, but is not on top of *doing* anything about it, it sounds like. What you can do is call the local police station and tell them that your wife has changed the locks on the house and the storage, and that there is no court order allowing her to do so. Ask them what you can do and not do, they will advise you. You can most likely get a locksmith to come change the locks again and give your W a key.

The assistant has no legal standing - she is an employee of your wife's. Her threatening to call the police should not worry you at all - tell her to leave, or *you* will call the police to have her removed from *your* property.

There's a book that's recommended around here called .... It's about how men who try to please, may become passive-aggressive instead without realizing it, and not get the response they want from their surroundings. It doesn't tell you to become a jerk, but discusses how to put proper boundaries in place to get other people to respect you.

Did you know that people who often say yes, are not appreciated? While those who say no frequently, are more respected and then when they say yes, get a great reaction?

I can tell you my H treats me much better when I don't allow him to push me around. He's a demanding person and seems to respect me more when I give him firm boundaries. This is human nature.

Your W is going to walk all over you if you let her. She will not reciprocate any niceness.

I agree that rapport is not necessary with a L, but you need to see action. If you have lost half your retainer and seen no progress in your situation, and everything is still dictated by your W, you should consider moving on.

[1313]

I think one of the reasons the L hasn't contacted me is to try to save money. We're in a holding pattern right now until we can talk with a Judge. I'm assuming that if the judge sees how she's acting, it will go a long ways to improve my standing.

I also have a forensic accountant, so it's like 2 lawyers to add to the fun. I received a large trust inheritance, which was turned into 2 investment properties as well as a retirement fund. I need them to track the money and show there was no commingling of marital assets. The W will be claiming there was, and is lying about an agreement we never made. I know this from her forgetting she shared her cloud docs with me.

The "call the police" wasn't anything that worried me, it was more of a "now I know what has been discussed between them" epiphany. I found it interesting that she went there so fast, after I snapped at her. She knew she was pushing buttons, and knew I'm very upset and stressed out every time I go to the house.

I'm pretty sure that the "yes and no" from the W's L regarding me being locked out will be a no, she can't lock you out unless you've been beating her or she's afraid for her life or some garbage like that. Right now she will apparently say and do anything. I can't help but feel bad for her though. Because seriously - if she does go that route her parents just might never speak to her again. They've known me for 35 years, and know their daughter too. She'd have left a loooong time ago if that were the case.

The W already painted me as being angry all the time to herself and her assistant, something that really broadsided me. I feel there's a difference between sarcasm and anger. Things that she used to think were funny turned into something else. But we all know - the WW has to justify everything.

I see a lot of what Sandi says in me in her WW pointers, and a lot I don't. I will let people push me to a point, and then I dig in and hold my ground. I've made an a$$ out of myself protecting the W from other people, even if I wasn't sure it was the right thing to do. How quickly she forgot those instances. I've never been one to burn bridges, but I did for her on more than one occasion.

One of my favorite sayings is "no is a good answer". Granted, I rarely said it to my W. However it seems she's used any times I have said it against me as well. She's had a good, long time to work this all out in her head. I hate playing defense.

[1313]

Painter,
I checked out that book ..., and am going to get it. I can see a lot of it will apply to me, certainly. Thanks!

[Cristy]

Hello 1313,

I'm so sorry for the situation you are in.

I'm also very sorry that your mom isn't well. Sadly, I have first hand experience in how devastating dementia/Alzheimer's is for the entire family. Please consider respite and home care options. Your personal health depends on it!

It sounds like you have good safeguards in place with the forensic accountant and iCloud sharing. Definitely protect your assets.

Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.

Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004

[1313]

Thanks Cristy,
I will give you a call. Is there any time better than others?

[1313]

Painter,
I checked out that book ..., and am going to get it. I can see a lot of it will apply to me, certainly. Thanks!

whoops - sorry!

[Cristy]

1313,

I'm at the office until 4 pacific time today and will be back in tomorrow at 10am pacific time. Now is good

Cristy

[1313]

This is very true in my case as well. Initially my MIL was very supportive of our marriage and swore that she will keep us together. She told WW that she would never let her leave our marriage. I was feeling very confident at that point.

It took a month for WW to turn her against me. My MIL ended up secretly funding WW's divorce lawyer behind my back. It's sad because I ended up being betrayed twice, once by WW and then her mother. My trust in her moral compass was misplaced, as blood is thicker than water.

I saw this on your thread. While I'd like to think my case is different, it's probably not. I can say I was best friends with the W's Grandfather, he used to call me nearly daily about this, that or the other thing. I used to be very good with stocks, and I was one of the only people that listened to him without blowing him off as a crazy old guy.

The MIL is a Church Elder, and this goes against everything she holds dear. They also feel a sense of betrayal, as the W had conversations regarding marriage and such when they took an Alaska cruise 8/14. For the longest time the W's running joke was "divorce is not an option - you have to sleep sometime". I sort of wish she had just put a pillow over my face. The W turning her back on her faith was just one of the steps she needed to take in the rewriting of history they seem to all make.

On the flip side, I also know that the MIL being who she is will forgive anyone, including her other D who's very business is as much against Christian doctrine as you can get.

I doubt that she would turn on me, at the same time - and the reason I wanted to see them to say goodbye is they will be inviting my W and eventually the OM over for holidays. At this point I'm not sure I can detach like that. Certainly not by this Easter, which will probably be my first test. They will need to come and get my Mother, and I'm not sure she'd want to be there either.

To see my W looking better than she has in years and years (she's losing huge amounts of weight) and doing this all because of somebody else just puts my heart through a wringer.

The time will come when we are torn apart, which breaks my heart. I've really come to love both of them (the rest of her family not so much - in fact I downright loath most of them) and it's a shame that this is all happening for a d**k.