Hi Rouky! Thanks for checking on me, I've only just this second logged on as I actually had a GAL activity tonight! Been out for tea with two friends I used to work with. We go every few months but it's the first time we've got together since H left. Coming down with a cold though so feel absolutely rotten.
I don't know what is wrong with me the last few days but I can't stop having little spats with H when he's here. I think I'm losing the will as nothing I've done so far seems to be changing anything. I know 3 months is a relatively short amount of time for him to be gone but I just wish there was some slight change in one way or another - this limbo is so draining! Tonight's spat was because he'd emptied the letter box before I got home. It really gets to me that he does this when he clearly wants all his mail a secret because he has paid to have his redirected to his Dad's house! So I said I thought it wasn't right that he empties the mail yet has redirected his. He got angry and said he only did it to help and that he only redirected his mail so that I wouldn't get angry about it. I don't believe him for a minute! Obviously he doesn't know that I know he has bought two motorbikes since December - I would put money on it that he redirected his mail as he has taken out some sort of finance or something for the bikes! He is living just a few doors down the street and I never opened his mail so he had no reason to pay �30 to redirect it.
Before he left he acted all concerned about me coming down with a cold and told me to get in bed as I look dreadful (thanks).
Thanks for the info on how you put your boundaries in place with H. I definitely need to do this, especially for the mornings he comes round at 7am. It is just too much for me to cope with and makes me upset just as I'm going to work.
H text last night to say he wasn't coming round as he was exhausted and already in bed at 7pm. Not sure I believe him. Friday night, no work in the morning and he's in bed by 7pm? Our children were still up!
He came round this morning bright and early, the kettle hadn't even finished boiling to make our morning cup of tea and there he was knocking on the window to be let in. He proceeded to just lounge on the settee and tell S all the things he was doing wrong with 'his' PS4 controller. Every time he comes round now he threatens to take the PS4 away with him as it is his. D and I were out of the house not long after he turned up, thank goodness. I am just finding it so annoying him being around at the moment and it worries me. I'm worried that if this goes on much longer I won't want him to come back, because what I'm seeing of him is not nice. Every time he is here you can feel the whole household sag their shoulders as presence is depressing. All three of us seem so much happier when he isn't here. It makes me worry about how my children feel about their Dad too. He is destroying everything that the people who love him think about him. I say nothing derogatory to the children about their Dad but they come out with things themselves. They seem to be just as fed up of this limbo land he is holding us all in as I am.
Really not sure what my next steps should be. I have been dark since the beginning of December in that I don't ever initiate contact, wait a while to answer texts and keep my replies brief. H makes it difficult for me to go out when he comes round to be dark in that way because he comes when I'm having breakfast, tea or doing something nice with the children.
180s
Don't interfere when H reprimands children Don't criticize H Thank H for any tiny little things he does around the house Make sure house is always neat and tidy Make sure hair and make up always done Always be cheerful in H's company
We are now on school holiday for a week and have lots of GAL activities planned with the children. We are going to go to the cinema, ten pin bowling, a day out with my SIL and nephew. I also plan to have my hair done at a hairdressers (haven't done so for over 2 years, it is long and I've just been trimming the ends myself), give myself a manicure and pedicure, sand and re oil my kitchen worktops, re organize my craft room and bedroom (I'm going to move all H's left behind things into a large bag and put them in the loft) and I have a new piece of music I want to practise (I play the piano).
Inpain..i just caught up on your stitch. YourH is like my H. Sometimes I come home and he is here,eating cereal in his boxers, watchin tv. He never calls, he always just shows up. Always. Once in a blue moon that I'm not home he will call and wonder where I am since he drove across town to be here.
He tends to come at random times like 7am..1:30 pm ..4:45 times he knows I'm getting the kids ready for school, nap times, getting dinner ready..sometimes he says he isnt visiting then shows up 10 mins later.
I havent figured out how to put a boundary on it because on his days off he keeps the kids overnight HERE and I leave for the night. He thinks it is more stable that way for the kids to always be home and one of us leaves.
Same with no interacting. He will come lay in our room and watch tv and count it as visiting the kids! Then I'm like do I leave? Will he watch them? I dont know. He is..something. I mostly try to keep my distance, do laundry, organize, stay away
At about the 3 month mark, I too started working on the house and I even made a coffee table out of an old tree. All hand finished and sealed with oils.
It felt so good to get back to doing things for me.
I see that you too are thinking for you. I'm so so happy for you.
Originally Posted By: inpain
. All three of us seem so much happier when he isn't here. It makes me worry about how my children feel about their Dad too. He is destroying everything that the people who love him think about him.
Me and the D's feel the same. Our life is continuing as it did but without STBXW. With love and support to each other. We were unbelievably close as a family of 4, now were are even closer as a family of 3. I suggest you talk openly about your H with your kids. I know you don't say bad things about him and that's good. You will be surprised how much children understand that our MLCr's are not themselves and not well. Understanding is acceptance that leads to forgiveness. Then comes our choice of if we want them in our lives or not. The kids will make their own choice.
keep up the good work on yourself. I see you are breaking through your own fog.
hugs
Irish
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
Our Hs do sound very similar Rednail. When he first moved out I left the house or at least the room whenever he came round but it got to the point where he was staying longer and longer and I would just never see the kids myself! I'm not sure what the answer is. Now I either make myself busy or sit in the room with them but H may as well not be there. He doesn't interact with the kids at all, doesn't even say hello when he walks in. It feels like he only comes round to stop himself feeling guilty, he certainly doesn't seem bothered about actually spending some quality time with the kids doing something.
Irish, I thought a lot about this comment:
Originally Posted By: IrishM
Our life is continuing as it did but without STBXW. With love and support to each other. We were unbelievably close as a family of 4, now were are even closer as a family of 3.
It is sad, but when I look back, the kids and I have always been an unbelievably close family of 3 with H just tagging along when he wasn't working. I seem to be doing a lot of reflecting about the past, and when I look back, H has never really done anything with the kids of his own initiative and never wanted to organise anything that was child friendly. He would suggest things like going to a large shopping centre for the day and then wonder why the kids were bored rigid and complaining after an hour. It makes me feel sad that really, nothing has changed except that we don't look for H coming through the door when he's finished work.
Valentine's Day we thought H would come round in the morning before he went to work - he text at lunch saying he'd only just got up so wouldn't be coming before work. I wonder if he just couldn't face me on Valentine's Day.
Yesterday the kids and I were out all day, we had a great time. We left early and at around 10am I got a text from H asking if we were in so he could come round. It feels like we're playing a game and I scored a little point for being out when he wanted to come. It feels so wrong to be making a game out of life.
Not sure what we're going to do today yet, we have a couple of choices up our sleeves. Think H is off work the next couple of days but no word from him about doing anything with the kids while they're off school. I refuse to sit around waiting on the off chance of him coming round though, so have lots of ideas for just me and the kids. Wonder when H will realise how much of his children's lives he is missing. I don't know how he does it, I know I couldn't. Maybe it just proves he is ill right now.
M51 XW43 (38 at bd) BD1 MAY 30 2015 BD2 JUNE 25 2015 by text moved out Aug 2 2015 left both Daughters 13 and 15 (now 18-20) Her divorce Final July 26 2016 Last time she saw her kids Aug 2 2015
It is sad, but when I look back, the kids and I have always been an unbelievably close family of 3 with H just tagging along when he wasn't working.
This is how I felt in my M. Only from my perspective, I had been excluded and edged out by XW who had become 100% mom and 0% wife, who put the children ahead of me, who used the children to meet her emotional needs, who was a SAHM and acted as if she was the 'real' parent and I was just some big oaf that they should be exposed to in control environments for periods of time because it was 'healthy' for them to know their dad.
That's actually what destroyed intimacy on my side. That and sex starvation.
Funny thing is, now that I have my own place and my own relationship with the kids, I am every bit as close with them if not more so that they are with their mother. I am an amazing dad, and I do great things. It turns out that I never could have had this relationship with XW floating around and controlling everything. Men hate criticism, so for me to be playing with kids and have her giving me 'feedback' on what kind of a dad I was, well, wrong though it was I allowed this to drive me from the family.
At some point a fixed schedule will be set up. And at some point it will involve him having the children somewhere else. So let me ask- have you talked to a DB coach about this?
I didn't want you to rush things, but if this set up isn't working maybe it's time to push things along and get some type of formal schedule, maybe even a legal separation. I might be mixing up sitches but I'm pretty sure WAH has had serial affairs, right? I'm concerned at this point that he is happy with the current sitch as he can have his cake and eat it. I'm not suggesting you file D, and you don't want to come across as controlling/rejecting/punishing, but if this set up isn't working for you or the kids there may be ways to address it. But I wouldn't do ANYTHING without the guidance of a DB coach. They rarely suggest taking action unilaterally, and would probably give you talking points on how to address this with WAH.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
It is sad, but when I look back, the kids and I have always been an unbelievably close family of 3 with H just tagging along when he wasn't working.
This is how I felt in my M. Only from my perspective, I had been excluded and edged out by XW who had become 100% mom and 0% wife, who put the children ahead of me, who used the children to meet her emotional needs, who was a SAHM and acted as if she was the 'real' parent and I was just some big oaf that they should be exposed to in control environments for periods of time because it was 'healthy' for them to know their dad.
Hi Zues, thanks for dropping by, I've missed your posts and your thoughts on my situation! I'm sorry your M was like that, it doesn't sound like a nice situation at all. I didn't mean that I had shut H out of our lives when I said the bit you've quoted. I meant that we were a close family of 3 with H just tagging along when he wasn't working because my H worked such awful hours that the kids and I had no choice but to do things on our own and even when he wasn't working he really wasn't that interested.
Originally Posted By: Zues126
Funny thing is, now that I have my own place and my own relationship with the kids, I am every bit as close with them if not more so that they are with their mother. I am an amazing dad, and I do great things. It turns out that I never could have had this relationship with XW floating around and controlling everything. Men hate criticism, so for me to be playing with kids and have her giving me 'feedback' on what kind of a dad I was, well, wrong though it was I allowed this to drive me from the family.l
It's great that you're a great Dad and close to your kids now. I hope that my H steps up and becomes like that, whatever happens in our situation. Sadly, the way he is behaving at the moment he seems to be too selfish to become that kind of Dad. He chooses to spend his free time doing something else. I don't know what, but he sure isn't spending any of his daylight free time with them.
Originally Posted By: Zues126
At some point a fixed schedule will be set up. And at some point it will involve him having the children somewhere else. So let me ask- have you talked to a DB coach about this?
I wish I could talk to a DB coach about the whole thing Zues but I'm in the UK and really can't afford the fees. I wish I could.
Originally Posted By: Zues126
I didn't want you to rush things, but if this set up isn't working maybe it's time to push things along and get some type of formal schedule, maybe even a legal separation. I might be mixing up sitches but I'm pretty sure WAH has had serial affairs, right? I'm concerned at this point that he is happy with the current sitch as he can have his cake and eat it.
I'm concerned about this too Zues. Yes, you're right he has had several As with the same OW over a period of many years on and off. I'm afraid to push things but at the same time this current situation is not working.
Tonight H came round after not seeing the kids since his very brief visit on Saturday morning. He seemed put out that I hadn't asked him to tag along for the day yesterday. He looked drained and miserable. S upset him by showing him something he'd written to me the other day when he was upset. He had written how he would never forgive his Dad and didn't want to see him. H reacted by telling S he didn't find it appropriate that he write such things. Before that he had asked what our plans were for tomorrow and has suggested bowling - one of the ideas I was going to do with the kids. I told him I had to wait in for a delivery (which is true). He didn't seem happy about me not being able to go but I said it was something he'd have to get used to and I asked why he wanted me to go. He said it's because the kids will want me to go. I maybe reading too much into it but I think he is still very confused. He got very angry because I'd 'stopped him leaving' by pausing at the door to tell him I had to wait in for a delivery. He said he can't stop being angry and is angry all the time and that he just wants some peace. I tried to apologise for S's note and explained that he is a very upset and confused little boy. He got angry about that too and said that I am blind to S's behaviour and that S only wrote those words to get out of trouble. H really seems to think that this isn't affecting anyone, that we're all perfectly happy. He even said that he is still stepping up as a father despite having moved out. I had to bite me tongue at that - this is why I worry about what kind of father the children will have if we D - if he thinks how he is treating them now is 'stepping up as a father'.
After tonight's interactions and seeing H so tense about such a little thing as a quick chat at the door I am really worried that he is ill. Maybe this is just a MLC trait but it really does not seem rational to be so angry all of the time.
