I Think it's Way Too Late

[sandi2]

I've been wanting to give her Mother a copy of DR so she'd understand what happened to her daughter. (her parents are freaking out) Then I considered asking her to give one to the W. I doubt that would be perceived by her as pursuing coming from her Mother - but who knows. Maybe just see if that's the natural course it runs?

We advise people not to give the book to the WAW/MLC. That book is like your football play book that you would not show the other team. She would not be receptive to it, and it would not fix her. She will not be receptive to any marriage material right now. That doesn't mean she won't stumble onto something later. If she thinks it is coming indirectly from you, she won't be near as receptive to it.

As for your 180's, GAL, etc., don't think for a minute that word does not get back to her about the man she set free.

Thirty years is a long time. Believe it or not, you are not the first one to go through this after these many years. In fact, we are seeing more and more of 25-30 year M's hit with the same problems.

I had been M even longer than that when I had my crisis. At first, I thought I was having a MLC. The signs are very similar to the wayward spouse. Anyway, it was a crisis.....whatever label one might place on it. It is horrible for the one going through it and for the spouse of that person. Frankly, I doubt I would have made a very good LBS.

There are some great people in the MLC section on the board, if you decide you want to read some of their threads.

[Cadet]

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

[1313]

Thanks everyone - it's only been a month but it feels like forever. Heck, I haven't even heard from my lawyer for 2 weeks - which I guess is ok since they've burned through half the retainer and haven't done anything yet.

Sandi, so do you think giving the book to my Mother In-Law is off limits too? I'll go with your call on this one. I just thought it might help her see what's happened as she's searching for answers as well. It breaks my heart to see her like this too.

I did see that recently the next-highest and increasing divorce rate is in 25-30 year marriages. Very sad. It doesn't make me feel any better to know other people are in the same boat - so close to retirement actually. Nothing like losing it all on lawyers.

I was just out at the hardware store, and got a call from my Wife's assistant wanting to know something about outlook. I had offered my assistance 2 weeks ago for the last time on her computer - and she said there was an IT guy taking care of it, which I thought was great. So I guess something went screwy - but chances are it's nothing but a temporary hiccup. I'm not going to return the call - but fully expect to start getting harassed if it doesn't resolve itself.

I guess I get a proxy for my W, huh?

[1313]

Hi Cadet,
I didn't read down here - I'll take Wonka's advice to heart. While I doubt my Mother In-Law would share the book I couldn't guarantee it. Especially since it says "save the marriage", which is what she feels is right.

It's weird that the W was so very Christian for so very long, and another "symptom" I didn't notice right away was her pulling away from God. While I was the worst when it came to going to Church (that changed, I got the message) - W always went. But sometime around the time my Mother moved into the area and started going with my in-laws - who became the best of buddies - well that also irked W and she just quit.

Perhaps a couple of reasons, but I'm sure she didn't want to hear from anyone about what she was doing. And again, I never asked, I never pushed it - but it was a major part of her life she just eliminated.

[1313]

I'll get better at the abbreviations (I keep missing them), I promise!

[1313]

Glad you already read my first post.
So what changes are you making?

What are your goals?

Yes keep posting

See, this is where I part with many people with a "normal" life. I've been thinking about this. For the past 8 years and even more the past 4, I've been working entirely with the W. While this was a good thing, it turned into one of the things she used against me.

I have to admit - it did allow me to do other things and have flexibility I wouldn't have otherwise had. For instance, our dog(s) are our children. Back in 2012 we found that one of our dogs had stomach cancer. We opted for some new treatments, which were only available in Sacramento, being studied by the University of Davis. This was a 2.5 hour drive each way for me twice a week. That could easily change and often did with an accident, becoming a 4 hour one-way drive. My W couldn't do it, and it was emotionally draining. I did this for many months, giving our sweety at least 6 extra months of quality life. I was up all night with the dog, every night for obvious reasons.

Then, my Mother has become a burden in the last year or so. Again, taking easily an hour or 4 every day. The W chooses to not see that - but then again she's always had a love-hate relationship with her M in-law.

So now, I have to figure out what I am going to do for a living. Do I go outside my comfort level and go into Real Estate - because I know I can do it. Or, do I start a different business? Go into a field I know?

The problem with getting a full time job - as much as I'd really love one is that my Mother won't be around much longer. My Father In-Law says (and I've always listened to his advice) to hold tight, and be with her as it won't be that much longer.

If you knew me, you'd know I'm going insane. I've never been one to not be involved in something. I just need to figure out what I'm going to pursue, and how to do it. The Judge will be looking for an answer as well! Although my lawyers are filing for spousal support I can't count on that as I'm pretty sure my W's record year won't continue without me around. Funny how she's just now following my advice though.

So for now, I can't say what changes I'll be making other than to go ahead and study and finish my RE license. That was a goal marked on the calendar, I had my test date and all this blew up throwing me back a few months.

Next is to GAL as much as some 58 year old living with his Mother can! Heck, what lady isn't going to be attracted to that? Exercise and try to detach, and apparently go online and turn off all of the notifications from different entities that show me what the W is doing. I don't want to be finding out hurtful things - and got a doozy last night that kept me up all night.

With a CA divorce, this is all going to be over in a few brief months apparently, so I'd better start figuring things out.

[Painter]

Does your W have a court order to keep you out of the marital home and away from the dog? If not, it's not legal according to CA law to deny you access, from what I understand. Did you interview more than one L? Did you get someone who specializes in D?

I'm very sorry about the situation you find yourself in - it must be very draining to also have your ailing mother to take care of. Can you not get part-time care for her through her insurance or Medicare? There should be opportunities for both respite care and home health services that are covered.

Think about this as putting on your own oxygen mask - you need to take care of yourself so you can take care of her.

Your WW's distortion of the relationship history and complaints about you is completely normal - well, not normal but common. It's the only way they can defend to themselves what they're doing. Don't take it personally at all (unless you truly feel she has a point and it's something you can change).

Best wishes!

[1313]

Hi Painter, thanks for the thoughts. Working backwards - yes - I figured that this is all the W's way of justifying her behavior. I've been wrong in this too and will take responsibility for not giving her the closeness she (now says) wanted. She left the MBR, and that was the beginning of the end, I believed her excuses. Parting shots were I should have pursued her. As it turns out - I couldn't have done anything right at this point regardless of what she says, as the A had already started. Like you guys say, believe none of what they say and half of what they do.

Yes, I've understood I need to get myself together to help my Mother. A lot of stuff went horribly wrong with her (mind wise) when I was distracted as things were falling apart. Again, my fault. My FIL has said in no uncertain terms she's a priority for now.

Since a case worker got involved (that's a thread by itself) she's got recommendations for some help if/when I'm not here, so I do plan to follow up on that.

As far as lawyers, the next door neighbor to my Mother recommended one, who has a good reputation (family law is all they do), and I liked the lawyer I talked to. I could change my mind though as I'm not sure I feel a "rapport" with her. Then again I'm not sure I need to.

We are so barely started on this process that nothing has happened yet other than responding to the law suit. My L says that she cannot do this - and the W's L says "yes and no". Now, reading between the lines I'm going to guess that the W is going to say something like she's afraid of me or something to that effect. The worst I've ever done to her was raise my voice, and that has been years. I sure raised my voice to her assistant though - who I was ready to strangle the last time I was allowed in the house. She's - well she's not liked by a lot of people because she can have a way of grating on folks with her passive aggressive behavior.

Anyway, when I finally snapped and yelled "go look for yourself" when she kept on me about where something was after I told her for the 3rd time - she said she'd call the police. So that gives me a huge clue that that is going to be the story, as I know the W is confiding everything in her friend/assistant.

The W is away for a company getaway in FL, and thinks I have no clue. She took the dog to a friend of course, instead of asking me to take care of her. I'm getting access to the house today so I can grab some art supplies. I was supposed to be doing a piece for a charity (due at the end of the month), but had to let them know I couldn't do it in time to be up on the heritage auctions website - if at all. I just don't feel very inspired at the moment. Still, I'd like to get a couple of things while I can. The house is very sad feeling the few times I've gone there, a very negative energy.

One very roundabout question though. As I've been reading the threads there seems to be some disagreement about staying close to the MIL/FIL. At first I told the MIL what was happening, as the W sort of danced around the issue. I felt I owed telling them as they've been very good to me. It was really more of a goodbye, as I figured they'd side with the W. To my surprise (well not really, I should know better) they sided with me. At some point I know I will have the very difficult decision of going over there for holidays when the W has her OM with her. At some point she will "come out", as right now she'd look like a you-know-what if everyone knew she was an A. So I figured my time with them may be limited depending on my ability to cope.

Some people here seem to be of the mindset that by continuing a relationship with them is a form of pursuit. I know it ticks off the W no end, according to the assistant who says I "stole them". Should I cut off my relationship with them, or have them do any reaching out? My MIL and Mother are good friends, and the MIL asked me if this would affect their relationship - I said never. But what about me? The MIL will always come over to visit my Mother, but should I stop going over there to check up on them? My FIL has congestive heart failure, and I worry about him a lot. It would be tough - and it's hard to decide between the M and doing what I think is right.

[1313]

Oh, one more thing - I only told the MIL because of her relationship with my Mother. I didn't want the FIL to know with his heart condition. The MIL agreed, but apparently the FIL is sharp enough to know his D was up to something, and got it out of the MIL. When the W visited him in the hospital, he chewed her out and she left in a huff. That was over a month ago, they haven't seen each other since - which is beyond unusual. I'd assume the W would also have to be embarrassed.

This is just to say I didn't want the FIL to know about this at all. He's got enough to worry about as it is.

[sandi2]

Some people here seem to be of the mindset that by continuing a relationship with them is a form of pursuit.

It is tricky having a close relationship with the parents of your W, when the M is on the rocks. First of all, they are her parents, not yours. Even if she's in the wrong, they eventually will support her b/c she is their child. You may be an adored son-in-law, but you are not their flesh & blood. Secondly, as you have seen, the W is extremely jealous of her parents, and I'm sure she feels that you tried to steal them away. That's why she decided to take whatever means necessary to confidence her mother to side with her. Thirdly, subconsciously, I think the LBH is wanting her parents to influence her back into the MR. That's understandable, however, it doesn't work. And you give various reasons why you told her mother or why you want to remain close to them, but at the very bottom of your heart....it's her. They are the next thing to her. You are desperately wanting to make some kind of a connection with her.

We advise the LBH not to discuss the a lot of details about MR....or seek out advice from his wife's family b/c in the long run, it can cause problems with them and you either during the reconciliation or afterwards. Maybe not in every case, but why take that chance, especially when you've already seen how badly it can turn? I would say to remain warm and friendly toward them, but let them initiate contacts, especially her mother. I don't think you should be dropping by to visit them while things are not good between you and wife. If nothing else, it probably would cause some awkwardness at this time.