KGirl - new life, new stuff

[Maybell]

KGirl, why do you keep thinking YOU're the problem? You have friends who care about you, right? Do you feel like you create drama in those relationships?

[KGirl]

Hi Maybell! Hmm... interesting question. I have very different expectations (uh oh, danger word)? of my friend relationships and as such I rarely, if ever, would be "dramatic" - and by that I mean bring up something that's bothering me and cause a tiff. I have one friend who I know is not very reliable in terms of plans or being there when needed so I just don't rely on her for that - this became apparent when we all agreed to go to a formal dance in college and then she left an hour in, and when I talked to her afterwards about how I was upset that she agreed to go and then ditched me, she started crying and saying "I don't know what you want from me! Why are you being so mean to me!" So yeah, if we end up hanging out I consider that a bonus. Re: other friends, we don't always communicate daily, and it's not unusual for us to go several weeks or longer until we actually see each other, and that's fine with me. They are also very reliable when we do interact, though - they always follow through on what they say, they plan things in advance, we check in the day of to make sure things are still on, when we do talk they ask me about my day and what I'm up to, etc. I just don't .. rely? on them as much for regular interaction as I do with romantic partners (and apparently my romantic partners have been less-than-reliable). I guess I expect more from a partner (than I do my friends) and maybe that's the root of it?

Mozza - sigh. The rational part of me (and everyone else in my life) completely agrees with you. I've been doing a lot of reading about avoidant personalities in relationships, emotional unavailability, "future fakers" (people who reference future plans but then don't follow through when they realize they can't, and pretend like they didn't say that), etc. and it fits him in a lot of ways.. minus the overtly mean/narcissistic parts. He was never mean or rude, but maybe just didn't have the capacity. I'm just having trouble fully believing it for some reason. Like you said, I still have this belief that if I just try hard enough and do the right things then it'll go how I want it to. Or that if I was being the best partner I could be, then he'd be able to grow into a good partner as well. And if I truly acknowledge it wasn't a good fit, then I'm mad at myself for getting so invested in him and falling in love with him. I have several codependency books and read them quite a bit last fall/spring, but the last time I've looked at them was in September. I guess once I got involved in a relationship it all flew out of my brain. Time to revisit, especially the parts about healthy relationships and coping with rejection - "codependency for dummies" as a whole chapter on relationships which has been helpful.

Re: GAL - I've been thinking about a side gig, like a few 6-8 hour shifts a month. It's pretty common among my colleagues since we don't get paid very much, but we have nights/weekends free and quite a few vacation days... and people will usually pick a place they like to shop at so they get an employee discount. World Market or Bath and Body Works sounds appealing I definitely have a B&BW candle addiction.

[Sotto]

Hi KGirl, I'm sorry you're having a tough time. One thing I noticed at my DRW was that people often started dating, when perhaps it was too soon for them. The new R didn't work out and they then really started to process the whole thing - end of the M, the recent break up and so on. It isn't easy, but it is needed I think.

DRW means divorce recovery workshop and I found this really helpful. There are also rebuilding seminars and I wonder if you might benefit from attending one? Maybe google them both to see what is happening in your area?

I would second Mozza on the Codependent no more book. I'm reading that atm and it popped into my head when reading your stuff above. A theme to explore would be why your recent BF appealed to you (ie: what need in you he seemed to meet) and why you would accept a 'lesser than' R with him (no ILYs and so on.)

I think the biggest thing for me to look for in a new partner going forwards is emotional maturity. I'm working on this within myself and would hope to meet someone that is doing or has done the same.

Can I also suggest you have a look at the TED talks and/or books by Brene Brown? She is helpful on the 'am I enough' theme.

In a way KGirl (whilst I know it hurts) I think it is good you are back here and in time to come I think you may look back on this time and see - yes, I really needed that.

Do keep posting my friend and take care xx

[KGirl]

Hi Sotto! Interesting question. I have the book from the people who created the divorce recovery/rebuilding seminars ("Rebuilding After Your Relationship Ends" - by Fischer, I think) but perhaps time to visit that as well. I looked up the seminars and there are some in my area. TBH though reading through the descriptions and whatnot my first reaction was "I'm so done with that time of my life, I have no desire to revisit it." I'm not sure if that means I've done what I need to do from the D itself (and right now it's this most recent relationship that's the focus of my anguish) or if I'm kidding myself.

Still have therapy starting in March so perhaps that will help shed some insight. It will be good to have a third party to hash through this. Even today on the drive home I found myself starting to cry when I realized that only two weeks before he dumped he, he told me he was really happy being with me and that while my needs might be different than his, that didn't mean they weren't important, and that he would listen to me and do his best to understand me. So how does one get from that to two weeks later saying "I don't like when you pry for information, it makes me feel guilty about how I spend my time, and this was a red flag - I don't see this working long term." WTF? It's hard to accept that I will likely never understand.

Been reading some articles on a different site about being a blame absorber. I can definitely recognize this in myself, in a lot of places and situations:

"If you spend your life being a blame absorber, feeling ashamed over crappy things that other people have done, wondering “Why me? Why wasn’t I good enough for a jackass or even an abuser? What was wrong with me that I was turned down in 1983?” and other such things that basically say “I know there is something wrong with me why all of this stuff is happening”, you’re on the flipside of the ego issue – you make everything about you to persist in an identity that says “I’m not good enough.”...

You take full responsibility for the failure of the relationship while also taking full responsibility for trying to make the relationship a success...

You can go up, down, and round about it but their actions have never been about you. Their actions are about them. You can only enable existing behaviour and character by offering yourself up as a doormat and staying instead of walking....

It doesn’t matter what you say or do, if someone is unavailable, they and only they can change it. If they hang around dipping in and out of your life, getting an ego stroke, shag etc, after they’ve said that they couldn’t give you what you want, their lack of commitment isn’t down to you."

[KGirl]

Upon further reflection.. I think there were signs there. I either just chose to ignore them (probably because once I had slept with him I wanted to justify staying with him, and especially as more time passed) or didn't put two and two together. XBF was very reluctant to talk about past relationships when I asked some low-key questions three months in - for example, he said his last LDR/online thing "wasn't good" for him and was very vague.. then when she texted him out of the blue one day he said he had to "be careful because she will try to get information and use it against me." what?? but now when I read "avoidants fear intimacy because they fear being used, controlled, or manipulated if they share themselves with someone else." Hmm... so I need to be better at keeping warning signs in my mind up front, believing them, and making decisions accordingly. And hold off on getting physical with people until I've got a clearer idea of the direction things are going so I don't get bonded too early.

[kml]

Your last paragraph says it all! You're on the right track.

Widowed friend of mine just got out of a 6 mos relationship. He looked good on paper but the red flags were there from the start. He was very interested for the first couple of months, then started to pull back. He actually said "I'm superficial" and "I like to gossip"! (This is a fifty year old man). I kept telling my friend that he was broke, she kept trying to assume that he had some savings from some previous success; nope, turns out he has $15k in credit card debt that he will never be able to pay off, and no plans to make more money so he can get ahead.

I'm no money snob, but my friend barely keeps her own family afloat, she can't afford to date a guy who is a financial disaster. And a guy who reaches fifty with no assets and credit card debt, AND no proactive plan to remedy his situation, is not an adult. And he'll be eating cat food in retirement.

[KGirl]

I'm trying! But still very much have these negative feelings about being too inquisitive and clingy - that at this stage I didn't need to know everything he was doing and I put too much pressure on him (and therefore, I managed to ruin a good thing and even if I find someone else I'll ruin that too ). But where's the line? I didn't want to know or need to know everything he's doing every minute of every day. But I feel like in normal conversation things come up like "I'm going to dinner w/ my coworkers on Thursday, one is having a show in an art gallery! should be fun" or "hey I'm gonna be busy all night doing a work project so if you text me I'll answer at 10pm". Or is even asking for that too much 6 months in? Sigh. I feel like my boundaries and expectations are all out of wack coming from a long-term, live-in relationship.

[kml]

My current boyfriend calls me every morning at 7:00 to say good morning. We text a few time throughout our busy days, usually talk briefly by phone once or twice to say hi. He's usually working in the evening when I'm off work, but he'll usually check in by phone or stop by for a hug in between clients.
Everybody's different but I appreciate his transparency, I usually know what he's up to because it comes up naturally in the course of our daily conversation. He's been like this since the beginning.
So no, you're not expecting too much; just stay away from avoidant guys!

[KGirl]

^^ thanks for that. I know it's only one example but hearing things like that help me feel a little less crazy. I mean, it was not uncommon that XBF and I would have a real-time text convo, I'd say "oh it's late, I should go to bed! goodnight (kiss face emoji)" and he wouldn't even write goodnight back. I just want a "goodnight" too! ugh. I guess when XBF was like this in the beginning I chalked it up to it just being the beginning, but I should be more careful about assuming things will progress as they go.

[TDball]

KGirl, I read your previous posts a few months ago because your story had some similarities to mine and we tend to over analyze things in the same way (writing that sentence makes me feel a little creepy though). I was inspired by your update in the fall, and came back here for the first time in a long time and ended up seeing your most recent post.

All I can say is that your exbf has some serious issues. It's probably a lot easier to see it from the outside, but his behavior would make many people feel crazy. What kind of boyfriend won't even tell you what he's up to? Thats beyond secretive, and it would make me feel like he's hiding something. It's not you, you're not overly clingy or crazy. His secrecy is a huge red flag.

I'm just in the texting stage with a guy I like, and I know what his workweek is like, what he's doing right now, and where he's going for his vacatuon. And we've only been flirting for a few weeks. How else do you get to know somebody? What else do you talk about?