The start of my Happiness 3

[Tyler12]

Had a amazing day with the kids today. W stayed for a very short time before leaving. I won't go into detail of it all unless someone wants to know.

All the kids and myself are quite tired and although it was a great day it ends a little sadly. When tucking in S3 he said. I like you daddy and I like mommy too. I told him we like him too and laughed. He then said he wants mommy to live here again. At my house. I reassured him that mommy and daddy love him very much and wished him sweet dreams.

It was hard to hear from a three year old. I have no idea if he says things like this to W or if it's just here.

It's a small thing I guess that makes things hard sometimes. But it won't overshadow the awesome day we had today.

[Flight]

MB, I am doubling down

Their world view stems from selfishness, immaturity and a sense of entitlement.

I stand by that statement and say yes, this blanket statement applies to ALL cheaters.

1. Selfish - They thought only of themselves. They put themselves and their jollies, their "feelings" first. They didn't care about the collateral damage. They may not be selfish in everything or for their entire lives, but having an affair is the most callous and selfish act imaginable. They ignored the little voice telling them what this would do to their spouse, their children, their friends, their family, etc.

2. Immaturity - Giveng all of the other options (working on the marriage, leaving it ethically) they chose the easy path. They were not emotionally or ethically mature enough to do the decent thing. They couldn't stop themselves.

3. Entitlement - "I deserve to be happy", "I sacrificed for everyone else all these years, now it's MY turn", "You weren't meeting my needs". If any word describes the actions of someone who has an affair, it is that they feel entitled. My "happiness" trumps yours.

Could we all cheat given the right circumstances? Maybe. But there is something in the thought processes of a cheater that allows them to more easily do it than most and then rationalize and justify it in order to live with themselves.

[Flight]

Tyler,

I started trying to think of what in her life would cause this. I don't claim to know every single detail of her upbringing though I do know a lot and how she was raised. I fail to see where these qualities would have been instilled.

Don't drive yourself crazy with this. I know we all want to get into the psychology of it and want to find a reason for bad behavior, but it really doesn't matter in the end, at least not for us. This is the domain of the cheater to deal with. And if you believe MWD, instead of spending years looking at all the influenes in your life that made you this way, you can just recognize your bad behaviors and stop doing them

The danger in trying to figure out why anyone other than ourselves is the way they are is that we put the focus on the wrong person. We should focus on our own behaviors. Besides, trying to "fix" our spouses is about the worst thing you can do. We are the last people they want to hear tell them about their faults.

And you have been looking at yourself, which is great. Just don't confuse your contribution to the state or your marriage as having any causality with her choice to have an affair. The affair is not your fault. "My marriage made me do it" and "My spouse made me do it" are the two most cowardly excuses I have ever heard. It just comes from lack of taking personal responsibility for ones actions. You were unhappy in your marriage? Fine. You had a lot of other choices that did not involve infidelity.

Your spouse has to fix the damage caused by the affair and the thinking that allowed an affair to have even been considered as an option. Then you can both work on what you brought to the marriage and fix that. And yes, you can work on those things in the meantime because they are going to help make sure you have a better relationship with your spouse if you reconcile or with someone else if you don't.

I feel for you and everyone else on the board who goes though such a gut wrencing, horrible, self-esteem sucking process.

[Azzork]

Just checking in Tyler. Been busy at work lately so it's been hard to get on as much.

Just letting you know I haven't felt like I needed to slap you of late. 😉

Sounds like you're doing pretty well. Keep taking things a day at a time. See if you can keep from looking too far backwards.

[Tyler12]

I wanted to go into what Zeus was taking about in azzorks thread and my feeling powerless with wife's actions. And her actions happening because she is trying to get control of her own life.

The exact example is OM involved in my sons lives. He has been introduced to them pretty much from start of A as far as I know. They play happy little family and go to the zoo and all that bs and it makes me angry and sick to my stomach.

Recently what bothers me more is more complicated. And has a bit of a longer back story. So OM owns a house which he is rarely at as he works away from home 25+ days a month. His mother lives at the house and he pretty much just crashes there on days off. He is/ was away working. And his mother was/is away on vacation and W was asked to house sit and dog sit so for the last few weeks has been living with the boys at his house..... And when he came back from work I don't believe she went home for those days. Just stayed here with him.

To me it is frustrating and angering, saddening and a whole range of emotions. Yet if I say I don't want this then to her I am being controlling and I will get told we are not together and I have no right to tell her how to live her life even if it effects the boys.

[- MB -]

MB, were you a wayward woman when you broke off the engagement?

Yes. My H lived 8 hrs away and that was before cell phones. So, we talked for about 10 minutes on the phone every other Saturday, wrote letters, and saw each other for a weekend every other month and begged him to move closer every time I saw him. He never did and there wasn't much contact between us. I met my XH because one of my friends liked him (he didn't like her). A group of us hung out together and we became friends. When my friend moved, he wanted to go out with me. We started seeing each other and I broke the engagement off with H. I was young and incredibly stupid and have always regretted it. I can't change the past and I've apologized for it I don't know how many times. That's another reason that it's so hard for me to let go now. When I married him I promised myself that I wouldn't ever hurt him again. I have felt so guilty about what I did to him for most of my life and I can't seem to get past it. I do believe that he holds it against me and almost feel like he thinks he needs to punish me for it . It's just such a sad situation.

[NYGal]

Nothing you did warrants his abusive behavior, MB. When you left you were standing up for yourself and your children. You have no reason to feel guilty. Time to read more on codependency.

[- MB -]

Had a amazing day with the kids today. W stayed for a very short time before leaving. I won't go into detail of it all unless someone wants to know.
dreams.

It was hard to hear from a three year old. I have no idea if he says things like this to W or if it's just here.

Tyler, so glad you guys had a great time!!! I know you were really looking forward to it.

He probably says the same things to her and it probably makes her sad for him too. Not that it's going to make her change her mind, but I would imagine that anytime the kids are sad she feels it too. You handled it well. There's just no easy and painless way to pull a child's world apart. Hopefully your W will wake up before it's too late and realized what she's doing. But, if she doesn't, they have a great dad looking after them. I know you will do whatever you have to do to help them get through this difficult time.

[Tyler12]

Well, another day has come and gone. I had another great day with the kids. We played games and built snowmen. Had dance parties and made cookies. They all helped with supper and we are getting ready for bed.

Here's the catch, after W saw us all yesterday and stayed for the little bit to sing happy bday to S1, I wasn't sure what I thought or expected, the problem was I expected something. Every time the boys have been here she has always texted to see how they are doing fairly early in the morning. Today nothing until bed time for the young 2. It bothered me because it means to me she was preoccupied with something else. And being v day it bothers me more.

S3 wanted to talk to her before bed so he did. He still talks on speaker phone cause he feels like he has to look at phone and he doesn't hold it to his ear right yet. She was either at a party or like she claimed. Watching frozen.... Either way she sounded drunk and when he asked if she was in bed too she said no. After the movie WE will go to bed.

I caught that possible slip of the tongue right away and it didn't really hurt, it didn't surprise me, it didn't even anger me. It's also possible I am reading into everything too much, the point is what I feel is disgust.

Disgust with myself for hanging onto this. For shedding so many tears over this. For having this distorted vision that things will be back to a family someday. Disgust that I want to be with someone and love someone, have that someone love me back that would walk away from a family, tear apart 4 children's world all for a selfish, entitled feeling of their own happiness. Which she couldn't even do on her own.

I feel stupid for holding out hope for someone that would do this to another person. Zues nailed it on the head today when he wrote this.

Sometimes I think, who are these people that would get involved with a married person?

Then I think, who are these people that would get involved with OP when they are married?

But I always go back to, who are these people that would allow themselves to remain emotionally attached to a married person that would get involved with OP?

Tomorrow is another day, a day for me and my kids, a day to get up live my life because I am tired of being tangled up and held down by this rope, time to drop it and walk away

[Thornton]

Interesting points, Ty.

Having self respect is very important. If you can't respect yourself, how will anybody else.

I think you are doing very well considering. Keep up the great job you're doing with your kids.