"This is what I see -shame that your father abused the things you loved, your mum, dog and family -shame that your father did this publicly (in front of friends) he saw as an extension of you -shame that you could not stop it -shame that your father was unloving and uncaring -shame that your father's public persona hid his real self -shame your mother was abused and soldiered on
There are more that you can identify?" No, that pretty much covers it
"This tactic has worked well for me and I read that challenging your dad or Mum in this way works for FOO. I was going to ask you if your experience of Schema has done any release work?" We're not quite there yet but she talked about connecting with it. We've identified the prime suspects as Abandonment, Subjugation, Emotional Deprivation and Defectiveness / Shame. Of the four schema's the first two are the most significant to me and my experience.
I'm sorry V if the information you seek does not flow out of me easily. I am not being tight lipped, withholding, or resisting. For the about last two weeks I have lost my drive or motivation to post. More accurately I am not inspired to post. I enjoy posting here more then my own thread. I think part of it is that the friends I've made here, your one of course, are all disappearing. I know that's a logical conclusion to a site like this yet I miss them. We shared something beautiful while we were in such pain. I know that this is the way life is and that one can not hold onto such moments. People come into your life and they leave. The trick is to appreciate them while their with you. That goes for my wife and that goes for you. Thank you V for all you do. I truly appreciate the time you spend trying to help me on my journey. I am very happy to have you in my life. Be well Vanilla
I am here for a long time. My journey is just beginning.
The way I see it is this:
Of my original tribe, RD, Sotto, Greengrass, Dawn, Pink still post
Although not as much sometimes
The ones I miss are Edz, Jim, Old Dog, Zelda, Mustardseed, Joe, Susannah, Gan, Little, Schermann, WhyUs, .....
All were part of my journey and I thank them, especially my early tribe members
I have a new tribe, you, pigpen, Jellyb, Fo, Anc.....
Latest is Zephyr, Sci, and I apologise if I missed anyone
People move on and I am happy for them if they move on to new growth whether they repair or not. Truthfully new tribe members arrive and others cease to post. As you progress and learn so the insights arrive. Please acknowledge that as your journey progresses so you will have more to offer others. In doing so, especially with the work we do here which is actually quite involving the more you learn about you the greater the feedback you can give.
As I 'age' on the site so I grow. My tribe ages with me too. I am two years in and still developing.
I notice sometimes I post a great deal on my 'own' thread and other times very very little. It's ok.
Newbies help each other in real time too. Others I follow but can't help much Julie, Zues and some newbies I can't help I ask others to intercede if it suits them. I know little of wayward wives or MLC so all I can do is comfort and support those in that sitch. There are a couple of posters here that I wish would cease to post!! But that too is part of my journey and perhaps my greatest challenge.
I have noticed that those who last here do the greatest growth. Most of that is independent of here, they marinade then return.
In time Mu, this will be true for you. Your tribe will change as you grow. The board needs this poster as they do most of the incite full work. Newbies is the toughest for turnover of posters.
This is as it should be. This is your journey and we are helping each other along. Take your time, I certainly am, I post here in spurts you will notice. Don't force it, when it's ready to link to your higher spirit then it will flow.
I am ok, there is no expectation on my part, there is nothing either of us needs to prove. We are experimenting and communicating, it may work wholly or in part, or even intermittently. Down to each of us.
That's fine by me, post as you will.
V
Until we can mourn the past we are doomed to repeat it
My Father the Narcissist: A Narcissistic Father is a Tyrant and a Bully
Narcissistic fathers often emotionally damage their children. They disregard boundaries, manipulate their children by withholding affection (until the children “perform”), and neglect to meet the needs of their children because they are interested only in meeting their own needs. Their image and perfection is essential to narcissists; they often demand perfection from their children. The children thus feel intense pressure to be perfect and try to ramp up their talents, looks, intellect or personality to please their father. It has a high personal cost to them if they succeed in fulfilling their father’s wishes – and it can cost them just as much if they fail. It’s a no-win situation.
There is profound unhappiness among the members of a family ruled by a tyrannical narcissistic father. In many of these families, the mother simply echoes the father as she feels uncertain of herself (due to his emotional abuse) and is afraid to take her husband on. Often this destructive pattern is the result of the mother’s own childhood. Not aware of the dynamics of narcissism, she went from a cruel, tyrannical father to a brutal, domineering husband. Repetition of psychological patterns, such as is seen with abuse and narcissism, is common. The mother chooses a spouse similar to her abusive parent and raises a family in an abusive environment like the one she was raised in.
How a narcissistic father affects his children
• Daughters of narcissistic fathers frequently report that they can never feel satiated when it to comes to getting what they need from their fathers. They never got enough time with their father and would have to compete with siblings for that rare time. As a young child, a father might comment on how beautiful his daughter was. But as she grew older, he would rarely miss an opportunity to comment on her weight and attitude. The daughters often carry these concerns into adulthood, even if they were otherwise successful. With a father like this, nothing is ever good enough. Their relationship with men in the future is clouded by feelings of vulnerability and worries that they’ll be dumped for someone else. Anxiously avoiding commitment or taking on the narcissistic role are both natural ways for the daughters to keep relationships “safe”. It’s self protective but doesn’t lead to healthy relationships.
• Sons of narcissistic fathers describe feeling that they can never measure up. Their fathers were so competitive they even compete with their sons. They either compete or pay no attention to their sons. The sons often simply accept defeat – how can they possibly win against a grown man? Sometimes they take another tact and work hard to beat their father at his own game- just to get his attention and some semblance of fatherly pride. Yet they never feel good enough even when they do succeed; they still feel empty and second rate.
------------------- Both girls and boys need to be loved by their fathers in order to feel validated as individuals. Narcissists are incapable of loving anyone other than themselves. Some of their children become narcissists themselves. That way they get their father’s attention (imitation is the highest form of flattery) and they learn from an expert how to manipulate and use people.
Having a tyrannical father is a nightmare for every member of the family except the “chosen child” (or children) whom he picks to reflect his perfect image. The chosen child is groomed to become his little clone. They have been chosen for their looks, intellect, special talents, or some other characteristic that the narcissistic father regards as valuable to him. Other children in the family are bypassed because they have not measured up to his expectations. They can be very bright, kind, considerate, or sensitive–none of this matters to the narcissistic father.
Written by Alexander Burgemeester on August 6, 2013
Strikes me there were no golden children in your household, your dad took that role for himself. It makes me quite irritated and I want to tackle him myself for little Mu!.
Be thankful you weren't the golden child!
Love you lots my dear friend
V
Until we can mourn the past we are doomed to repeat it
Not wanting to intrude on you and Mu. Just acknowledging the work you are both putting in to this. I'm glad to see V it was only a wobble. All my love to both of you. Jellyxxx
I try to just keep in touch once a day. I used to spend lots of time here.
In my family there was the men, ie dad and my brother who could out rate everyone and were allowed to act however they liked.
In dad case he had a few affairs, over time.onky one he was actually caught out for, but the pattern was mum would try to address issues dad would say nope that a lie. Then months of Cold War would follow with him just sleeping off seperate.
In the brothers case he can behave any old how and mum show should tell him look your out of line, doesn't she expects us girls to bow and compromise to his thinking we arent allowed our own point of view.
Me I tend to allow other to have a point of view and in some ways I can see their side too well and will in the nature of compromise offer the compromise, of which xh2 really took advantage off as his w1 just always did it his way. Often there was no real reason not to. He then translated that to the others issues he hit s15 (at the time) as his way is the right way. Sometimes by being an easy going person it leaves us open to being taken advantage of. Being nice being conciliatory doesn't mean laying down and being walked on.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
So that whole ramble is really narc based in the fact you can be nice but don't let those who are super focused on themselves take adavantage. Don't give up your needs to meet someone else's at your expense.
Just be more aware, and it's less likely to not see it coming.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Just as an aside, I keep a active thread if anyone wants to chat please use it.
It not like my stich is saved or anything so no topics off limits in there jokes are my thang! So if you want to share one or two and it's been awhile in there since we have had a good joke session pls feel free.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
"Strikes me there were no golden children in your household, your dad took that role for himself. It makes me quite irritated and I want to tackle him myself for little Mu!."
Thanks V but I am happy to leave him in the ground. He made his choices and had to live with mine. I never gave him the adult relationship he desired from me, I never took him seriously, him or his wishes. You reap what you sow.
