Eye contact was always something we had especially when things have been good in our lives, when she looks at me its like she always looked at me. I see the 'old' her if you know what I mean. I don't feel there was ever some silent message behind it, she has always said in the past that my eyes were a great feature about me.
I feel that curiosity is huge with her with what I'm doing. Like I said she is always questioning me and has, I feel, seeked me out on several occasions to talk to, to ask to spend time together. One thing she has complained about is that I controlled the finances, which before was primarily because she didn't want to. Now she says she wants to know, so I suggested she take care of the house bills etc for this last month she is here. She doesn't want to do it by herself, she wants to work together as a 'team'. I expresses that there is no team now, she wants to leave the team, something she got a little annoyed about.
Another question I would have, how much fear does a W in this situation have with herself that is projected onto her spouse? I guess if she has noticed consistent 'changes', and I understand it still takes time, how much can they not trust themselves?
Two things really resonated recently in this thread, and I hope I'm not derailing anything by sharing my thoughts and situation...
My WAW has not had an affair, physical or emotional, to my knowledge, so I get that's quite different. I understand Sandi's disagreement with the Frustration Revolt article as I too hope I would not just roll over in the face of an affair, and Si_07 it reads like you're making the best of a bad situation (i.e. not rolling over), and my heart goes out to you...
What did resonate about that article is that my WAW has acknowledged my changes over last few months, and also said that it made her angry in that why couldn't I have changed sooner. We've also had a couple of arguments recently, and she's quick to point out "See that's why we're not compatible..." and admitting that yes her tone is perhaps harsher because she's not interested in our R. The article resonates because I've felt those recent arguments went better than over last couple of years (no yelling; no one walking out; effort to actually get to completion though not necessarily agreement, i.e. a healthy R argument), and I'm seeing both the pain from the past, which is helping me focus on what to work on in myself, AND I'm seeing what appears to be conflict in her relative to liking the changed me BUT actively trying to shut those feelings down because they conflict where her hypothesis that I'm worth walking away from...
Maybe I'm just supersensitive these days, but it feels like whenever our arguments are going better she feels compelled to throw out "so that's what's broken in our R" and/or say something like "and that's how what you did ruined it for the kids" to almost provoke anger from me... Probably just shows I need to detach more, but its so hard when it feels like things are getting somewhat better (and I start to re-attach), and then get pushed back...
I see that it aligns with the WAS behavior and the mantra here of believe nothing she says and 50% of what she does. Maybe its the wording of that article echoing WAS that's sounding right to me, and trying to see if there's a better strategy on how to handle these "active push backs" as I continue to challenge her belief I'm some bad person...
The other point I wanted to share was part of Si_07 mention of cooking and inviting friends over as part of 180. I too have been doing more housework, socializing, etc. as part of my GAL, and as part of one of these recent arguments with my W she expressed annoyance over my doing more with one of these household chores as she felt she had built an area of expertise there (I heard as comfortable space of her own) and somewhat resented my intruding into that space. She did NOT want me to stop doing those chores - part of my past bad behavior of "well if you don't like how I do it, do it all your self" :-( - so I'm making sure for both as part of my personal improvement and as part of showing her I'm committed to these changes to keep doing it.
Just sharing as maybe part of your W's behavior is this push back / resentment behavior of you doing things that had been her sole domain...
That does feel like a hard part of these 180s. Many of these divisions of labor built up over time are part of the resentment - "why is doing XYZ always my job" - but that could create a comfort zone for them so when you start doing more of your share (because its NOT their sole job) you've taking away a comfort zone forcing them to deal with what is an appropriate R balance...
Si_07, I'm pulling for you. It is all so confusing, and it sounds like you're doing your best. Stay strong, and please keep sharing as your story is helping me (and I'm sure others) think through their situations, and I hope I can provide you some help back...
My W has tried to suck me into more arguments because that is the main reason she says she wants out of this relationship, that there were too many arguments. Therefore I have made a real effort to keep tension out of the air, especially on my side. I have (for the most part) kept a calm and measured demeanor. When she has got hostile and angry, I now stop and walk away telling her that we can talk again when she had calmed down or stay quiet and wait it out. She has thrown down real good ones at me lately. I haven't always gone down the full validation route as some things are too wrong to allow. A recent one was that 8 years ago she believes I tried to intentionally burn her because I turned the tap in the kitchen on while she was in the shower. I didn't think she was in the shower at the time, just sounded like it was running with no one in it. I will question her thinking now because if she really felt like that about me I doubt she would have stayed with me for 8 more years, had 2 kids with me and be comfortable leaving the children with me alone and taking them on vacation alone.
In terms of the housework etc, I have always done a fair share but I have been doing more, primarily because I have found my pride in me again and I like a tidy home, something that had slipped and I had lost about myself. Also, she plans to move out at the end of the month, I am taking pride in the house I built.
I think me initiating the invite for friends over, having something to serve them ahead of time is different for her as she would have been the one to invite before, but even then she didn't do it often.
Not much you can do when they try to suck you into an argument other than walk away.
Nothing I've said or done (apparently I look at her with disgust, disdain, resentment and a host of other negative emotions) works in those situations other than walking away.
It's like they bait you to argue so they can justify their feelings.
Me:44 W:38 T:10.5 M:7.5 D:3 BD: 7/2015 W moves out of MBR: 9/2015 WW files for D: 2/8/2016
Today's interaction.... Kids are suffering from this, have been very tired and needy. Put them to bed early just as W got home. Was sitting on my bed (MBR) when she came to the doorway and asked about the kids. Answered her. She them hovered for a couple of minutes not saying anything but looking like she wanted to. She then turned away thanking me for supper but came back to talk about the wind and how I didn't need to go to the gym tonight, I could just go cycle into the wind for a good workout. Also talked about carnival parades being cancelled here because of the weather. She is now downstairs eating dinner alone.
It has been such a confusing weekend. I know I am at times trying to understand the non-understandable. Her body language and actions just don't seem to match the things she was saying at the turn of the year. Maybe Chuck was very correct and the challenges I have created in her thought process are taking a toll on her. That she is questioning herself at times or reality of her decisions are starting to hit her harder.
Who really knows, I just feel like I'm on a good path for me and my kids that I will continue to walk. I feel at times that my W didn't believe I would handle being in my own, having the kids by myself and I will admit that last year I probably did have some of those thoughts. In the last 6 weeks, I have read so many things, several books and found the belief and confidence in myself to move forward and enjoy my days. (I am still taking it a day at a time) Make plans, push yourself, do something you didn't think you would ever do. I am going to run a half marathon in April, you ask my W and she would have said that I would never do something like that. One thing I know I was guilty of is always trying to put her first, trying to be what she wanted, now is my time to be who I want. If she wants to come along on the ride, it could be great but it can still be great without her. Do I still hurt? Yes. Do I still struggle at times? Yes, but I am also choosing to believe in me.
Something I learnt (and had forgotten) from my military days, especially the basic training. I was always able to let the shouting, the critisim flow past, taking in the small amount I needed to but ignoring the parts where they wanted you to engage. Then once it's done and over, go back to my own things and move forward. I view my situation now as something similar, it's not always easy but it can be done.
We can't change our past but we can create a better future and believe in ourselves.
We can't change our past but we can create a better future and believe in ourselves.
Well said Si.....
Its hard to stay on that path for some of us struggling thru all of this. I constantly have had to remind my STBX that hanging our hats on the past will never let us move forward.
She can't move past the past so its a non starter for us to rekindle.
Sounds like you are doing all the right things to keep yourself on track to deal with this tough situation
Keep it up!
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
Rich, my W is also living in the past regarding us. I don't even remind her anymore. The actions and struggles I see in her, I believe it's because I am giving the impression of moving on without her. If she can't, leave her to it, move forward for yourself. I told her a few days ago, thank you for waking me up and that she gave up on me too soon and that it was a shame she couldn't see the potential I see. I haven't brought us up since. She asks about what I do everyday. I am finding she wants company, I can be comfortable on my own (as much as I have always loved her company), she has always struggled on her own. She has always lived with roommates, or with me. Very rarely on her own. She is on turmoil, I can see that but the more I leave her alone to those thoughts, the harder it seems to be for her.
