Hello, everyone! It's been a while since I've posted. I completed what I've been calling "hell week" last week. The divorce agreement has been hammered out. After many temper tantrums on the part of STBXH, I managed to wind up with everything I need to be able to move forward and survive on my own.
There is nothing like trying to reason with a MLC spouse - they vary somewhere between reasoning like a toddler, a teenager, and every once in a while...a rational adult - but the adult doesn't want to appear very often. It was so very hard doing it this way, negotiating on our own, but it saved so much money. When it comes down to cold, hard cash - that's when I observe old H peeking out from behind this new, "it's all about me!" version. Old H can see the need for certain things, while the MLC monster doesn't want to give up a penny.
I can't pretend to really understand it - but I'm trying. I'm reading all I can about the topic of MLC - and while it doesn't fix anything at all, it goes a long way towards helping me come to terms with this abrupt change in personality, morals, and ethics of this person I thought I knew better than anyone else in the world.
The hardest part for me has been coming to terms with the utter hopelessness of the situation. Until this thing has run its' course, the old H is buried...gone for all intents and purposes. This boggles the mind! How can such a thing happen? I don't have any guarantees for the future. Will he come back? Will he ever want to come back? That's not for me to know.
Coming to terms with that has been the hardest thing I've ever had to do. The life I had is over. This new life I'll have does not include H at all. That hurts, you know? All the love, all the caring, everything I feel for the man has to be packaged and put away. I have no idea what life is going to be like in the future. I'm putting all my focus at first on survival, but then it will be healing, and getting a life of my own.
I'm still struggling with it somewhat - having a toddler tantrum of my own, in my mind. "I don't want to!" What I want regarding H cannot matter. He's fired me. This whole thing has moved so quickly my mind is still spinning! I feel like I'm coming to terms with it, reluctantly. I do know that I'd rather be on my own, if the alternative is being with this new version who shrinks away from me if I get too close, who regularly attacks me with words, and who demeans me every chance he gets.
I'm so tired of hearing that I'm the reason his life didn't work out the way he hoped. That being married to me is the reason he didn't achieve all his goals - that I ruined his life. That is typical MLC talk - but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I hope one day he's able to see all the good I brought into his life...and I brought a lot. Right now? He sees none of it, only the bad. He's got a scorecard I never even thought about keeping.
So, my new life is opening up...I just have to put on my big-girl boots and meet it boldly. I'm doing the best I can.
I'm so proud of you Ancaire and I missed you. It's not easy what you had to do recently, nevertheless you have done it with grace and handled it very well.
Ancaire, you're doing great. It's so hard, but you sound very grounded. Well done.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
I am so glad you are posting again Ancaire. You sound like you are doing the best that you can in a very heartbreaking situation. Please keep posting, even on the days when you aren't feeling inspirational and strong, we can be here for you when you need to vent.
You're holding the fort well. One of these days, your H is going to realise that the grass is greener on the other side because it's fake or because it's fertilised by bullsh!t.
Meanwhile, you would have carved out a wonderful life for yourself.
You can call me Dory/ Grl.
As a wise fish once sang,"Just keep swimming!"
It's no use to go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.
I'm so tired of hearing that I'm the reason his life didn't work out the way he hoped. That being married to me is the reason he didn't achieve all his goals - that I ruined his life.
It's hard when it gets down to the final final....but being more of a newbie and some of the advice that I have gotten fits here as it's "just a piece of paper"...that is...the final divorce.
But that he blames you for the reason his life didn't work out is hogwash. What a cop out and you are a good person for not going ballastic on that stuff. I think whether is a H or W....its the same story that "we" are the reason for everything going wrong....no ownership
I almost said to my STBX tonight that I guess I am also the reason ISIS exists too right? Throw that on the list...geez
Hope you power through this very difficult time.
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
I posted on Julie's thread, it's worth a read. Many men feel that the court systems are extremely violating. If it seems like it's about the money, it isn't. It's more like an animal trying desperately to escape a wolf trap.
Anyway, you're doing better and that's the point. You hope H someday realizes the good you've brought into his life. I hope you someday don't need him to realize that. It takes time. You'll get there
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Glad to see you posting. Can't say it's good and totally get the feeling of utter disbelief you get sometimes, that life turned out the way it did. You are strong and have come a long way!
*hugs*
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
I am so glad to see your okay. I have no doubt the the worst is behind you and things will start to improve. I know it will because I have faith in you. You have just walked through a sh!t storm and did so with dignity and class. Your a good woman Judy and I have every confidence that one year from now you'll have your joy back. Please visit us more often, we love and missed you. Be well
