In House S (7)

[vise82]

Hey Starting a new thread


Old thread:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...255#Post2650255

This thread I feel will be a tipping point. After being so long in an in house S something has to give. I am not sure what it will be. Time will tell.

[vise82]

Hey,

I received an email confirmation today about tickets to a skating day that I booked about three months ago. It was for the family. W is taking the kids to her cousins this weekend the same day the tickets are to be used. She didn't know about the tickets and I forgot about it. So I have these tickets with no one to go with me. I just realized there is no one else I can think of that could go.

Is this what my life has come to? Never really felt so alone. I think I owe it to myself to just go by myself. Just to get out.

W emailed me this morning after I talked to her and told her all that had happened at the dentist. Her email had five questions in it. nothing really important, about the cost of the dentist , if they sent it to insurance, About us going out tonight to get a gift for her cousins sons birthday for this weekend and if I could have dinner ready when she get home. And how S4 was after I dropped him off at school.

With this weekend coming up I had no interest in replying right away. She is excluding me in this family event this weekend why should I answer all your questions right now?

Now as I write that I see how passive aggressive that is. Its more of the same from me, get mad at W and just stop communicating with her, don't answer calls, ignore emails and texts.

She is a talker and thrives on communication and talking and talking. I partly think its ok to wait to reply because DBing suggests it. Pull away so she pursues.

I will reply at the end of my work day as it nothing to urgent.

[Thornton]

Hey Vise,

I understand the loneliness. I'm very much a family guy and spent almost all my free time with them. Now they're gone and I listen to the crickets chirp.

I do think you should go alone, force yourself. It will feel weird but you will gain a little confidence.

I'm thinking about seeing Star Wars by myself this weekend.

[vise82]

Hey Thornton,

I have gone to movies by myself a couple of times. I was glad the movies were full and people had to sit next to me.

So here I sit trying to get the momentum to get out the door to use the skating tickets. But I just sit here and an hour goes by and another one. It is nice to just sit and do nothing and not think about my sitch.

I believe a lot in destiny and things happen for a reason. I like to go with the flow and see what will come my way. To help control that I tend to stay in, or I go to a controlled event where I can just blend in and go with the flow.

I am doing good today only cried after seeing a photo of a marriage proposal, the look on the girl was amazing and of course it brought back memories of being in that same place of happiness and excitement. I was looking a photos for inspiration for a photo contest that I thought of entering.

I am debating wether or not to call my kids before they go to bed. I think for this time I don't know when they are going to bed so I will just leave it. I was thinking though about if they live with their mom then that is that something that I will be doing? I read on here that it is common to call the kids to talk to them before bed time.

This house in a mess and because I am here alone I feel obligated to clean it up. Was thinking of hiring a cleaner then taking the credit. This is typical of me, I get all these ideas of what to do but cant find the motivation to do them or I get over whelmed and don't even know where to start so I do nothing.

In the past since DBing I have found that if I plan to do just one thing a day, that seems to work. Even if it a small task that will take a couple of hours, If I plan to get it done some time during a whole day, I get it done. today should be go use the skating tickets. Just one thing to get done. It allows me to accomplish something and give me a sense of accomplishment.

Ok I think I will get ready pack my skates and just drive down there at least, and if I feel like it I will go in, if not then I can just drive back home...

[vise82]

Hey,

So I managed to go to the skating event. I wouldn't say I was glad I went, it was ok. A lot of families were there. It was good to get out.

W texted me that kids were going to bed and asked if I wanted to say good night.

So I got her to call my cell and I got to talk to them and say good night ect. This house is too quiet.

I have dog training and soccer tomorrow. Going to have to remember to smile and say a few words to people and not be so quiet.

This DBing road has been a long one and still looks like a lot more ahead. A lot more water needs to go under this bridge. A bridge that goes to ... who knows?

[Vapo]

Dear V,

you do not know me. I binge read your whole thread yesterday and all I can say WOW. There are a lot of similarities between you and I, the ages are the same, together time same, kids' age same, the only 2 difs are I have a D age 7 and the second is my BD was June 2014, so 1 year before you.

I'd say that for the time frame from BD, you are doing great. In-house S must be hell, if my W was an in-house, there would most likely be a homicide somewhere in the story. It is good you showed her some balls re: MBR.

I see you are struggling, but that is perfectly normal. You have to let your W go from your thoughts and let her find her way.

Stay strong buddy...

[vise82]

Hey Vapo,

It is weird how these situations seem to fit a formula. So much so that I don't know why when I went to counseling that the counselor never mentions how common it is. Instead we would go over the arguments that were already hashed out.

I think at this point my W is stubborn, her father agreed with that statement when I first talk to him about what was going on.

I think talking to the lawyer helped me let go some. It is nice to know that an old friend that is the lawyer has held out a hand to help.

I feel that right now I will not force anything toward a S agreement. I will let my W go to a lawyer to start the process if she wants to like she has threatened already. I cant see the going ahead with out Ls involved. W has in her mind that we are leaving L out of it but it leaves so much open for things to go wrong in the future. I have been involved with a real estate transaction that was based on word and trust only to have it blow up in my face and partly causing the trouble with my W that I am having now.

W had the boys over night at her cousins and the youngest was sick that night, W was up most of the night with him and the whole time he was crying for me. I have been putting in a lot of daddy time with them since DBing. They have been my focus. On the drive home (two hours) he asked W to call me so he could talk to him during the ride home. So I talked to him to help him feel better during the drive.

When they arrived home W tried to talk me out of going to my GAL soccer. But he was doing good. She tried to lay on the guilt. Didn't work and I left for soccer, I rushed home though after and forgot my ball in the rush.

So W hasn't mention sell of the house since the blow up I had after she told me to go down the basement to watch tv after I asked her to because my ankle hurt and I didn't want to hurt it more on the stairs.

I was so angry that she had no sympathy for me that she would say that to me and had no care as to the pain it would give me.

I flew off the handle and went down the stairs and in pain just lost it and said that how can I get rid of you now I want you gone, lets sell the house I will fix everything up and and sell this house so you can go.

The look on her face was shock, but my foot was in pain and her lack of compassion was too much. I was boiling inside and I was red hot I needed to get out of her way so I could cool down. I don't think I have ever been so angry, I felt like lashing out so I ran to my MBR to cool down. I was scared that I got so angry.

I texted asking why she is picking a fight with me, for her to leave me alone and just let my foot heal.

I was at the hospital that day getting it checked out for a break, it was sprained. W knew that I got it checked out. Yet no sympathy or care. That was two weeks ago.

Since then she has been on the mission to foster some rodents and getting a big cage for them. It was a big family event getting new pets. Then she went to her cousins. This weekend. This is a cousin that I get along with, so much so that two years into the MR W asked if I liked her. I reassured her that of course not she is her cousin and I just get along with her. I imagine she should only have good things to say to my W about me.

So here I stand waiting until the next R talk that will be started by my W that I hope will not come. Things have been going good, We even had a moment when she was giving me a look after asking if I did something that she asked and I did do it. It was playful and lasted while. And a couple other brushes as we walk by in the hall. Last night we sat on the couch together with sick son.

All drops in the empty bucket that is her heart.

[Vapo]

Buddy,

still too much W based thinking. I know it is hard to steer your thought process away from your W, but trust me, the sooner you start, the sooner results will follow.

Main thing I have learned is that I do not look for ANYTHING from my W, not one GD thing, NOTHING. And I do not trust her one thing she says. With regards of the children, I always have a backup plane in place and I do not count on my W for anything, not one GD thing. You might have noticed, but their memory becomes terrible, and they are forgetful like they have Alzheimers or something.

I've noticed, you got angry, because she did not give a rat's ass about you, that is because he is so preoccupied with herself, that she just cannot focus on anybody else. Do not count on your W for support, organize your own support network.

Stay strong buddy...

[vise82]

Hey VAPO,

You are right, way to much about W.

I cant rely on W for support. She is there in the house but she is not there for me. I am working on backing away, but I am finding it hard to just not look for a replacement. If she is leaving me why be alone. This is a struggle to just focus on me and the kids. I need to stay strong and stay on track.

I have been thinking about the light house story. I need to be that light house.

[Vapo]

V, You are hurting and you are looking for a bandaid for a broken heart. Sure it would feel good to get some TLC, but in all honesty you are not ready, I know I still am not. Just stop looking over your shoulder for your wife and stop looking for a new R so soon, you really need to heal first and brother, you got some serious healing and rebuilding to do.

Would you say it is fair to the other person you hook up with that your W is still on your mind? Once you can honestly say you do not think of your W in a romantic way, then you are half way on your way to moving on, but only half way. Some literature suggests that a month of solo time for every year of a failed relationship is needed to fix yourself up (so for you that would mean 15 months), some experts say 3 months for every year, but IMO less than a year and you are looking for trouble...

Stay strong buddy and do not wobble...