So little update. Was sons birthday yesterday, we all went out for supper. I concentrated on my kids in conversation and rarely looked towards W. She tried initiated conversations but I kept answers light and short.
After getting home and kids in bed, left W and went to room to read more of DR. Didn't say anything to W, heard her cleaning one of the floors then she was in her room on her phone. She has Ben watching 'Ted' videos. Just after 10.30 pm she texted me from downstairs about one of the videos she watched. Was about schools and made her think of S7. I answered ok, and she then texted back to suggest I watch it. I made no more replies.
Are these little reach outs normal? I have gone darker with her this past week and she has made several moves to initiate conversation or talk about things with me over the week.
Made a bit of a slip up today, she had some angry spewing that I got sucked into a little. Didn't get angry myself but said a couple of things when I should have kept my mouth shut. Was the one to walk away and said we could talk again after her anger has settled.
Feel like we have really mis-understood each other particularly over the last year or so. When I bought her a piano for her birthday in Oct, said it was my commitment to building a better life. Needed her commitment to remove the other person from our lives. She answered by saying she made a commitment to me but when I ask what that was, she will not answer. She says she did it and that I should have seen it and if I didn't she will not tell me.
Are these little reach outs normal? I have gone darker with her this past week and she has made several moves to initiate conversation or talk about things with me over the week.
Yes, it is very "normal" for the WW to initiate conversation, etc. It is a way of keeping one foot in the M and one foot out. Also, the WW will justify getting a D or having an A by telling herself she tried putting effort into the MR, but her H wouldn't even talk to her if she didn't initiate it. The WW is a master at twisting & turning things around, but deep down, she knows what she is doing is wrong.
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Made a bit of a slip up today, she had some angry spewing that I got sucked into a little. Didn't get angry myself but said a couple of things when I should have kept my mouth shut. Was the one to walk away and said we could talk again after her anger has settled.
It's easy to get pulled into those spews. It sounds as if you did the best you could under the circumstances.
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When I bought her a piano for her birthday in Oct, said it was my commitment to building a better life. Needed her commitment to remove the other person from our lives. She answered by saying she made a commitment to me but when I ask what that was, she will not answer. She says she did it and that I should have seen it and if I didn't she will not tell me.
Yeah, women do that sort of thing, and I don't know how to explain it. It falls into that category where a woman expects the man to know what she wants without her telling him. It is an unrealistic expectation. What she is doing is like playing a game of hide and seek. In her mind she thinks shomegas made some sort of commitment to you........but she's going to hide it by keeping it a secret. She thinks it's your job to find it.
I have actually seen women do this very thing. I will tell you that it is an act of a wayward and immature mindset.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I'm not scared or afraid of her moving out, in some sense I feel she needs it to, to see how much she has leaned on me over the years.
She wants this independence and freedom.
I'm not saying I haven't made my own mistakes within this relationship, I have many regrets and hurt that has not been resolved but I do believe if we could get through this with the help of a guide, our family could be wonderful.
She was telling me yesterday that the first house we bought together, she only did it to make me happy, again with our choice to build our house after our move, that again she only did it to make me happy. As has been written, every negative thought about our marriage, which has been stressful in many occasions, is being used as her reasons for leaving.
I feel like we have really mis-communicated and mis-understood each other on several occasions but I know when she expressed attraction for this work colleague, I asked for as little contact as possible. That was the commitment I needed from her and didn't get it. She has regularly said he was not the problem, which I could understand the first time round, that it was a symptom of our problems. However I find it hard to agree with that a second time round and when she said she would take him out of the picture. It just didn't last very long and I can admit that I maybe didn't handle it the best but I had thought my feelings would be recognized.
I don't know, I don't feel she will be one to admit to any mistakes and I feel like my kids will suffer because of it.
I know patience and time is the key and I'm am using this time to improve myself and learn from my mistakes. Just wish we could do it together.
She also said yesterday that she sees some pros to us and me but not enough. She told me I can be so loving. I just don't know how much is mind games or the truth.
So W signed her paperwork to move to an apartment end of the month. Saw her when she came back as I was heading out and she didn't look so good. When I came back she was in her room with the door closed, it stayed closed for the whole night so she didn't hear our son or daughter when they woke at different times in the night. Our daughter spent half the night in my bed as she has done several nights lately.
Hi SI 07. Sorry you are here. I just caught up on your sitch. My W just moved out 2 weeks ago and the day was hard. Some days are better than others and none of it is going to be really easy.
What I am finding tho is that, like you, I have a good idea of the path I want to follow. With W out of the house you have more time to work on your path. Keep the focus on you and your kids. To me there is little more fulfilling than time with my kids.
I would expect S to reach out now and then to see what you are doing especially if there is no communication other than kids. It sounds like you are handling these texts and other contacts well
My question for you is, you have said you understand your part in the breakdown of M, so do you know why the things you did or didn't do happened? Ex. Myself I was distant and in front of the computer. I changed that right away and asked myself why I did it in the first place. Te answer to that was role model. My father would come home from work and watch tv. Rarely go out or do anything but relax. I saw that as how a father acts. Now I am working to change that in myself.
Keep up the good work. Keep posting. There is lots of great advice here!
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
