Hi Rain, I think your position on this is fair and reasonable and you were quite right to clearly set that boundary. Your XF wants to come back and sweep everything under the rug and you have been through too much pain to do that. Yes, you could have stated those boundaries more calmly, but it's a tough situation and we all learn for next time.
If someone is not yet married and there has been adultery, I would sometimes think - well just be glad you discovered this before marrying the guy/gal and walk away. But you guys are significantly entwined with a family together, so I wouldn't advocate doing that. I would give yourself some time to heal from this exchange and keep those boundaries cast iron strong - truly you don't want him back on those terms. I think a cheater needs to have been shaken to their very core at the potential loss of you, and be 'willing to do whatever it takes' to repair things. He's just not in that place right now.
Take care & glad to see so many posters offering support xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
How awful! I'm so sorry your heart has been broken all over again by XF's half hearted attempt at R. Well done for staying so strong, I too think you handled it brilliantly. I don't think you have heard the last from him though. I have a feeling he'll do something similar again. Stay strong, you deserve him to be true and transparent if you are ever to R.
Rain...yes, I'm still here. Did you see my previous post when I mentioned about asking for my other thread to be deleted? I just haven't started a new one yet.
Don't you ever think you are "not worthy of a cheater's love." I think that's the worst thing about having a cheating partner is the damage it does to your own sense of self. You are an amazing woman who loves him, supports him, and just wants him to be the best version of himself so you can have a healthy relationship together for the both of you and your children. You have taken his crap, yet you still see good in him and love him despite how much he has hurt you. It's easy to love someone who is good to you. It's a whole other ball of wax to continue loving and caring for someone who has hurt you. When you have seen both the best and the ugliest parts of another human being and still choose them anyway, that is real love, and it takes a special person to be able to do that.
Agreed. The lack of self confidence is normal, and a little can be good if it motivates you to grow from it...but don't think you're unworthy of love.
I'm not ready to date, but when that day comes I will be looking at people's character first and foremost. Not looks, not money, not 'baggage'...but whether they will be able to manage through a lifelong commitment. I'm simply not interested in investing in someone I don't have reason to believe will be there for the count. These days I don't think many women will pass that test, by doing that you are already in the top 5%. And the best part is that you will attract people that value those characteristics, so they will hopefully have them in return to you, so you don't have to go through this crap again.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
Hi Rain, I think your position on this is fair and reasonable and you were quite right to clearly set that boundary. Your XF wants to come back and sweep everything under the rug and you have been through too much pain to do that. Yes, you could have stated those boundaries more calmly, but it's a tough situation and we all learn for next time.
If someone is not yet married and there has been adultery, I would sometimes think - well just be glad you discovered this before marrying the guy/gal and walk away. But you guys are significantly entwined with a family together, so I wouldn't advocate doing that. I would give yourself some time to heal from this exchange and keep those boundaries cast iron strong - truly you don't want him back on those terms. I think a cheater needs to have been shaken to their very core at the potential loss of you, and be 'willing to do whatever it takes' to repair things. He's just not in that place right now.
Take care & glad to see so many posters offering support xx
Hi Sotto, thanks for stopping by Rains World.
I don't think I was asking for anything unreasonable either. Would you explain that to XF for me?
He is so far "there" which is why that exchange was horrible.
And yes, I am grateful for my BB friends. They're always here to listen to my crazy.
How awful! I'm so sorry your heart has been broken all over again by XF's half hearted attempt at R. Well done for staying so strong, I too think you handled it brilliantly. I don't think you have heard the last from him though. I have a feeling he'll do something similar again. Stay strong, you deserve him to be true and transparent if you are ever to R.
Thanks inpain....I started reading your thread earlier.
Yes it was hard but I just have to remember that accepting that and going through another A would be a lot harder.
Rain...yes, I'm still here. Did you see my previous post when I mentioned about asking for my other thread to be deleted? I just haven't started a new one yet.
Don't you ever think you are "not worthy of a cheater's love." I think that's the worst thing about having a cheating partner is the damage it does to your own sense of self. You are an amazing woman who loves him, supports him, and just wants him to be the best version of himself so you can have a healthy relationship together for the both of you and your children. You have taken his crap, yet you still see good in him and love him despite how much he has hurt you. It's easy to love someone who is good to you. It's a whole other ball of wax to continue loving and caring for someone who has hurt you. When you have seen both the best and the ugliest parts of another human being and still choose them anyway, that is real love, and it takes a special person to be able to do that.
Anna...yes I did see it. Just glad to see you didn't vanish on us.
And yes, what he did/is doing, has beaten me down big time. I know that I can come back from it though if I put the work in.
And Anna.....it's hard to feel sane when even after all he has done I still love him and see good in him. But that's true of all of us. You put it beautifully. In a way to feel proud that we have the character to still love them.
Agreed. The lack of self confidence is normal, and a little can be good if it motivates you to grow from it...but don't think you're unworthy of love.
I'm not ready to date, but when that day comes I will be looking at people's character first and foremost. Not looks, not money, not 'baggage'...but whether they will be able to manage through a lifelong commitment. I'm simply not interested in investing in someone I don't have reason to believe will be there for the count. These days I don't think many women will pass that test, by doing that you are already in the top 5%. And the best part is that you will attract people that value those characteristics, so they will hopefully have them in return to you, so you don't have to go through this crap again.
It's strange because on days that I'm more angry than sad and heartbroken I am 100% on the "he so does NOT deserve me!" train. I had a few of those days last week.
I hope you find someone wonderful when you're ready Zues. And from your lips to God's ears. I do not EVER want to go through this crap again.
So, 2 years ago I asked XF a few times to read the love languages book. This was before DR so I didn't know that I shouldn't have. Anyway, of course he said no. Eventually I stopped asking.
So we had the exchange yesterday and just now his ex sister in law sends me a screen shot saying words of affirmation are your love language and a text explaining that she had him answer the quiz questions when they spoke earlier.
So great, now I know his LL. Now. After we had the talk. Perfect timing.
Rain (moi): 40 Ex Fiance: 39 3 kids On/off again EA & PA Last BD by ow 12/15 Moved kids and myself back into our own place: 12/15
