Day by Day..Hour by Hour 3

[Rain75]

He can't just get the "win" and leave it be. Why would he do that? I was just told that my asking for transparency is extremely unreasonable.

Yep, unreasonable.

[- MB -]

Rain, I am so glad that you finally posted something. I was getting worried about you!!! I know yesterday was a horrible day for you, hopefully you're feeling a little better today. Maybe you can take the boys somewhere and do something fun to get your mind off of it even if it's only for a little bit.

I worked all night last night and haven't been to bed yet, so I'm beyond tired. I did read through your conversation with XF though and wanted to respond. If I don't make any sense, just chalk it up to the fact that I'm really tired and about to crash. I will try to get back on later before work. Try to have a good day today.

That the fact that I was ignoring him and only giving mostly 1 word answers about the kids showed him what his life could really be like.

(i get a little excited here...could this finally be it??)

So I call him <<<<< mistake!

The going dark was working, but some just take longer for it to sink into their thick heads, and some it just never sinks in. Maybe should have waited until he got past that texting/calling constantly and emotions all over the place stage. I know that you were lonely and missing him, and that you wanted this so badly though.

I hate that I never see the kids (Rain STFU..yes yes we know he doesn't see them because he is "busy")

Yes, he is VERY busy chasing down those runaway condoms! It's an exhausting and never ending job. (Sorry, I couldn't resist)

This made me smile when I read it. I could actually see you on the phone yelling Rain STFU to yourself as a true DBer would do. I yell it to myself over and over on the rare occasion that I get to talk to my H. It never works though. For some reason I never listen to myself.

(i am at this point tearing up. I love him and miss him desperately and just want a clean slate and he is finally on board!)

Me: what does that look like in your eyes?

((((Rain)))) This was the point when my heart started to hurt for you because I can see that you were getting so excited only to get crushed by him again. I am so sorry!

That was an awesome question you asked him though. You had told him what you needed and we're just waiting for him to say those words back to you. That's all he needed to do, and then follow through.

He is angry and raising his voice now.

...and this is where the ground under your feet began to crumble.

I really wish that you had just hung up the phone at this point. Once he got frustrated, he was only going to lash out and start blaming you for his problems and inadequacies. You didn't deserve to have to hear all of this again and I'm sorry that he's an idiot and doesn't yet know that you deserve to be treated with love and respect.

(not even sure how i am still calm at this point)

Because you're growing and working towards a goal and you have practiced and rehearsed talking to him in your head just waiting for this moment and not wanting to mess it up.

(here..I am completely deflated....how is it even possible to break an already broken heart? Not sure but he is the master at it...i start crying. Ugh)

Of course you're crying. You opened your heart to the chance that he's genuinely wanting to have a mature and committed relationship with you only to be smacked back down to reality by his immature expectations that you will just let him continue on without anything changing. You deserve so much more than that from any man that wants to be in your life. I'm so proud of you for standing your ground even while your heart was breaking. You were so brave and I admire that you were able to not cave in to him. I didn't stand my ground when my H was talking about working on things with me. I am embarrased that I wasn't that strong when I was faced with the opportunity to ease the pain and loneliness.

(Do I even have to say it? I am SOBBING now)

Me: (FINALLY calmer now) XF I'm sorry. What you're offering is just not enough. You will cheat again. But it won't be on me.

Me: cheating is a choice. And you're telling me you aren't sure that you're done making that choice.

Me: so, no. I won't be with a man that doesn't love me enough to choose to remain faithful especially after our biggest issue was his transparency.

No, you don't have to say it. We can all FEEL it just reading this. You didn't deserve for him to do this to you again. It was painful just reading it and knowing how it's hurting you. He was desperately trying to get you back because he was feeling you slip away. He's just not willing to be a man at this point. He still wants to be able to run around and play his games while you stand by his side.

I saved those last 3 statements that you made because they're great! You called him out on his behavior/choices. You have told him exactly what you require of him. He can either man up and be there for you by giving you exactly what you need or not. That's his choice. You have shown him now that you are going to stand your ground and not cave in as he had hoped. So, he's having a tantrum like a little child. He will regroup and try to figure out why that didn't work. He will come up with another plan and come at you again. Eventually, he will have to figure out that he will have to come to you as a mature person that has genuine remorse and is willing to help heal the wounds he has caused you if he ever wants a chance to win back your heart. That's what you deserve. I hope you never settle for less.

[Zues126]

Letting go of your need to change his mind isn't easy, it's definitely a process. As I said, you will have a lot of imaginary conversations with yourself in which you scream at him. I'm actually glad you said what you said, because otherwise you'd later wish you HAD said it.

But going forward keep the conversations imaginary. Don't engage with any future conversations with him. He knows your boundaries. Until the day comes that he opens the conversation by admitting he was wrong, telling you he's changed, and begging for the chance to back it up, there is nothing to discuss.

One hard part is not needing his validation. You asked why he can't leave it alone? He needs YOUR validation and will keep trying to get you to see things his way. Don't allow your desire to make him see things your way cause you to reengage and rehash this again and again. It interfere's with your healing, and with his journey. Let him be. If you want him to be able to let it be, you have to learn to let it be yourself. It takes time, but you're on the right path.

The other hard part is moving forward without burning bridges. What I mean by that is that you shouldn't wait for him, or hold your breath, and you should move forward...but that doesn't mean you should rebound. Finding another man would just be filling your need for validation from a 3rd party. Once that need wore off you'd probably be in a bad spot and it would lead to more pain. Another guy won't help right now. You have to validate yourself. You never mentioned another man, I'm just attacking it before the temptation arises.

Each day that you move forward, dark from his BS, being the woman you want to be, learning to validate yourself, each of those days is a win. Put a number of them together and you'll be further than you've ever imagined. You can do it. You already are.

[Rain75]

MB. Can I just say....clap! Clap! Clap! You should ALWAYS respond to posts on zero sleep. That was beyond great. You guys are all great. All I see is that I cried like a baby and cursed worse than a sailor and finally that I am alone.

But damn those runaway condoms! LOL

And MB...i hope that none of us settle for less!

[annab74]

You were a rock star, Rain! You handled it beautifully! So what if you got upset...OF COURSE you would. There is no other way you could feel when the love of your life and father of your children is telling you he isn't willing to commit himself fully to you right now. But you held your ground and didn't let your desire to have him back make you accept less than what you deserve. That makes you freaking amazing!!! You know who you are and what you're worth and won't take less.

I know it hurts, but it doesn't mean it's over. He still wants you and I don't think he's going to be giving up any time soon. It's negotiation. He offered you a deal and you didn't take it. Now he gets to go back to the drawing table and decide if he wants you badly enough to come back to the table with a better offering.

You got this, girlie!

[Rain75]

Zues,

It's funny how you and everyone else sees me. When I just can't. I'm not sure if I've been beaten down by his actions so badly that all I see is an umployed single mother that has some weight to lose and is apparently not worthy of even a cheaters love. Or if it's simply low self esteem. Either way I don't see it in or of myself right now.

I just want to get back to who I was and rock the single mother bit (ugh). I had a full time job. Took courses to learn new things...juggled a few blogs...wrote a couple of non fiction books. Before him and with him before his A (our A?) I used to workout daily. Eat healthy. Had tons of friends. Went to church. Hosted get togethers for no reason. Tried new things. And let people go when they were toxic to me.

And I do know that I can get all of that back. Because I can only control myself.

And I'm glad that I said what I said. Just not how I went about it. The crying and cursing.

And I haven't mentioned other men because I am not fit to date. Plus I still love "the Genius". I don't want to hurt anyone else.

[Rain75]

You were a rock star, Rain! You handled it beautifully! So what if you got upset...OF COURSE you would. There is no other way you could feel when the love of your life and father of your children is telling you he isn't willing to commit himself fully to you right now. But you held your ground and didn't let your desire to have him back make you accept less than what you deserve. That makes you freaking amazing!!! You know who you are and what you're worth and won't take less.

I know it hurts, but it doesn't mean it's over. He still wants you and I don't think he's going to be giving up any time soon. It's negotiation. He offered you a deal and you didn't take it. Now he gets to go back to the drawing table and decide if he wants you badly enough to come back to the table with a better offering.

You got this, girlie!

Anna! I thought I lost you!:)

So okay...to clarify I am not holding my ground because I suddenly emotionally realize what I deserve. (though I know logically).

It simply boils down to this one thing. I can't go through the A horror again. I did things I am ashamed of during. And after. I took care of him when he literally was crying and told me it was because he missed her and she was out of town. Yep! And many more humilating things I did beyond staying.

I just can't feel that searing pain again. That's why I am steadfast. And if I can be honest here..if he would have promised me fidelity I may have caved on transparency. Why? Because I hate this. Hate it!

But God saved me from that rabbit hole. By having him offer neither.

It helped remind me that I want it all....or nothing. So it's nothing.

[Rain75]

I know it hurts, but it doesn't mean it's over. He still wants you and I don't think he's going to be giving up any time soon. It's negotiation. He offered you a deal and you didn't take it. Now he gets to go back to the drawing table and decide if he wants you badly enough to come back to the table with a better offering.

I can't predict the future but he seems pretty okay with this. Blaming me and moving on. Clearly what with the A and cam girls and those flipping disappearing condoms! He seems to have no problem at all moving on.

And Ugh. Must get a detective on the case of the missing condoms...it's a conspiracy dontcha know! To make poor XF look bad.

(another thing he told me in a vm right after the glorious talk.. was that he has been faithful and before I ask the condoms aren't missing they've got to be somewhere in his house...meanwhile when it first happened he admitted they were missing- he just had no idea where they went)

Whyyyyyy do I still see the good in this man!

[Rain75]

Oh no Rain, I'm sorry to read this. Feeling sad and also a little scared for you. Hope you're OK.

Thanks inpain, for your concern. I'm better today. Still sad, but better than yesterday for sure.

[Rain75]

Hi Rain,

Take all the time you need to feel your emotions, don't hold them back. If you have to cry, shou, just do it. I'm sorry to hear that you are done from your previous post. Whatever it is we'll get throught it together and all of us here will support, guide and comfort you day and night.

Please know that we love you and care for you. You are always doing the best for your family and you are a fighter. Never forget that.

Rouky..merci mon amie (is that correct?)

I did a lot of crying and screaming yesterday. Cried today but I'm much better.

I love you all too. Funny how that can happen when you're around like hearted and like minded people.

I am a fighter. <<<must remember this often.