She's thinking of leaving again 3

[Sotto]

Hi Scrant, just bumping you up to see how you are getting along? Been thinking about you. Do post, and let us know how things are going when you get chance xx

[Scrant]

Hi. I think I'm like everyone in January, feeling a bit low and not too optimistic about the future.Haven't had contact with W except for Friday when she texted me to pass on a message and finished with kissy face icon. Realised then I'm not nearly over her as I was pleased to hear anything from her. Sticking to not initiating any contact but I do find myself missing her and wishing things were different. She's now on holiday with OM and staying with his sister in an island appartment so I'm trying to avoid speculating about them. She still has minimal contact with S, collects him a couple of times a week and that's it. I'm sure she texts him frequently but he never mentions it. Next month I start a few cookery classes but at the moment just busy working and being with a teenage S.Trying to find sometime each day for mindfulness which at least helps me to stop beating myself up and dwelling on things too much. Reading other threads makes me realise that I'm relatively lucky that things are amicable but I feel in limbo as I haven't given up on W even though I know it is highly unlikely that things will ever change. She would love to have me as a best friend which I just can't do at the moment. A bit lonely at the moment as most friends and colleagues have their own families and lives to be getting on with. Still can't complain and who knows what the future will bring? Life is full of surprises as we all know!

[Sotto]

Hi Scrant, I read about this trip for your W and OM with OM's sis - and I always struggle with how readily people will accept these A's. I guess you never know quite what she may have been told but - Gah!

Anyway, it sounds as though you are doing pretty well. It is normal not to feel optimistic. Know that, even in sitches that turned around, the LBs had their share of feeling things looked hopeless.

I think you are right with the 'no best friends' policy, and it is good that you have some cooking classes starting up. How about a supper club?? I would love to see you extend your GAL a little further. I only harp on about it because it truly does help, and it does help you meet new people in similar situations. Would you consider a local support group for divorced or separated people? These often have social scenes too.

Anyway....keep posting and keep remembering the 'never lose hope however hopeless...' Rule.

Take care my friend

[Scrant]

Round here there doesn't seem to be a functioning support group and to be honest at the moment I don't feel like doing anything which resembles dating. Busy dealing with paperwork that I've let slide and a dishwasher that has broken down.
I still dream of W almost daily which affects me mentally. Some are erotic, some mundane and some critical. I'm working normally but W is on my mind way too much. I feel like I'm taking a step back at the moment. I know what I should be doing and try to shake it off but I find myself speculating about her and remembering the better times. This is the longest NC we've been and knowing she is on holiday in the same place as she went last year when she lied to me brings back a lot of darker thoughts. I also worry that her relationship with S is so poor. I am resisting contact until the end of the month when a brief financial email will do. Finding it to resist when I know she would happily take me on as best friend. Trying to keep strong but it seems to be getting harder!

[Zues126]

I'm not criticizing when I say this, because it's not easy to do, but you really need to detach here.

Your W is not the woman you love. Look at her with fresh eyes. She is literally walking out of a marriage and living the party lifestyle, flaunting a new man in your face. The "HER" you love is the person that loved you back, was committed to you, did nice things for you, was loyal to you. The way I always viewed it is this person is your W's identical twin sister that murdered your W, destroyed your marriage and family, and is now trying to manipulate you through your feelings for the woman you loved to give her whatever she wants, be that an 'amicable divorce' (meaning she gets what she wants), or just lots of validation that she is hot stuff. How can you be attracted to this sadistic and evil twin?

Spend time grieving the loss of your W, and your M. Fine. But let her go. You can't detach in your mind overnight. But you can damn sure detach in your behavior. Don't break NC, and don't compromise your boundaries. She is poison and will do nothing but tear open the wounds that are just barely starting to heal.

I always say "How do you expect her to get over OM if you can't get over her?"

Really. Think about it.

Someone has to transcend emotions and longings, get some strength from above, and live with some purpose. That is you my friend.

It's not an easy road, but it is doable. I'm now 19 months out from BD and I can tell you two things about WAW: 1) She never changed, she is with OM #5 (that I know of), she is partying, she is the social media queen, etc, and 2) I don't care in any way, shape or form. I don't even feel pangs anymore. She literally is just a woman with a poor compass in life that made an understandably short sighted decision that destroyed our family. I hope her life turns out well, but I'm past even wanting her to regret her decision someday. Her life and mine are so far apart that her remorse or lack of it doesn't intersect with my journey. I tell you this because she ain't about to have second thoughts at the courthouse, she's long, long gone, and her journey is leading far away, if her path crosses yours again it will be surprising and would be years from now. So please don't wait up for her. Take care of yourself and follow the trail of breadcrumbs I left for you through detachville, GALminster, and 180burgh.

[Sotto]

Scrant, Zues offers some good advice here. It's really important to keep working on that focus shift away from your W. Thing is, she has nothing good to offer you right now. It took me a while to realise that with my H, but it is true. What she could offer you right now, would not be what you want.

From all I have read on this forum, a couple of things need to happen in separate journeys. The LBS needs to overcome their longings (and codependent) behaviour and rebuild their own lives, get to a place where they truly will be okay either way. The WAS needs to fall flat on their face, realise OP isn't what they want and realise their new life is miserable.

Until both things have happened, I don't believe successful R is likely. Of course, you don't have much control over the WAS bit, but you can remove yourself from the equation and neither be friend or crazy ex. That part is easy (well...easy to get, but not always easy to do..) The other part is the you part. That part is about getting your own chit together without her in terms of parenting, finances, housing, work, friendships, social activities, health etc.

GAL helps with this a lot, and it is a case of finding GAL that works for you. It doesn't all have to be daunting stuff like Meetups - but to have enough going on in your life to shift focus away from your W, helps a great deal.

Take care xx

[Scrant]

Thanks guys for giving me a well needed push. It is too easy sit navel gazing and wallowing in self pity. The next few days I should be fairly busy and I've decided to keep strong and continue with the NC and GAL. Tomorrow evening I'm going to a meeting with time for questions afterwards so have to think of something intelligent to ask! I know it is time to stop be scared of the future and worrying about things which may or may not happen. It's time to deal with the present, things I can change and make better for myself. When I make an effort to enjoy my work or home life I generally do feel better so why dwell on the things which make me unhappy and I can't change?

[Sotto]

Good for you Scrant....are you in the UK?? Have you tried looking into divorce recovery workshops? I did one last year and it was helpful - not suggesting you will get D'd, but those who attend are recovering from a break-up and there tends to be a nice social scene surrounding the groups too. I was out with my DRW buddies last night

[Scrant]

Thanks Sotto. I'm from the UK but I've been living in Europe for 25 years so I have the added distance form family etc. Locally there is an address for a divorced/ separated group but it doesn't exist in reality! As I've said before most friends and family came from W. I also have let friends slip by over the years as I concentrated on S and W. My own fault really as I'm quite shy around strangers and new situations. Still in the last couple of months I have made a few efforts to get outside my comfort zone. Time to face the world for myself and GAL!

[Sotto]

That's a shame about the group. Is there a contact person and any possible interest in reviving it? Also NMMNG groups exist worldwide (I'm not suggesting you're a reforming nice guy btw, but that's a way of meeting new male friends perhaps?) Also Meetups is worldwide and perhaps there might be something locally. And reconnecting with old friends is worthwhile too. Perhaps something linked to your S's activities (other dads?) or through work?? Just a few thoughts anyway..

One thing I have found with GAL is it takes a while to do some groundwork and you come across a few dead ends on the way and it can all feel a bit frustrating. Then you have the build up to trying things the first time with strangers. It isn't always easy, but once settled into a few things, they can lead to other things (as you chat to people about what is going on locally) and before you know it you have some new friends and activities you genuinely enjoy going on.

But you do need to overcome inner resistance and be willing to step beyond your comfort zone. Good luck - and if you focus on the challenge of GAL, you are not focusing on your W....

Take care xx