Hello all. I've been lurking for a few weeks after my W dropped the B on me, along with ILYBNILW, I never was in love, I was always unhappy, ect. I've read most of DB, but focused mostly on the LRT section. I believe my wife to be a WAW, and possibility a WW, although I have not proof, more of a gut feeling and her past history of always overlapping BFs as well as her hurry approach to D, cellphone always on mute, etc.
The first week or so, I broke all the rules, most of the time. For the last week, I have been doing well with the rules. I've been GAL, in counseling for myself. I have been reading through all the posts and looking for nuggets of how to act, how to think, how to feel.
Yesterday, I was weak and allowed her to draw me into 'discussions'. I was fairly polite and told her I understand that she and I have different desires. Towards the end, hurt came out of me, and I broke rules again. I told her some stuff that was hurtful.
I am actually pretty happy that the wife dropped the D bomb on one hand, because we weren't happy the way we were, we were stagnant, and mundane. I wish it would have been more of a, "hey we need to make this marriage better", vs I want D talk. But it is what it is. I am also happy that I was forced to see how much I emotionally relied on her and our R. I have never been so distraught, I will work very hard to protect myself from that again.
I know that the relationship is probably over, and I am holding onto some very distant memories of good times, and an imagination of a happy family of W,H,D,D. I do enjoy the process of LRT, because in the worse case, I am waaaaaayyyyy more prepared for D as well as not a door mat in giving someone that doesn't deserve it preferred treatment in the courts.
Me 40 W 30 D5 D3 M7 T9 12/13 B drop 1, EA found 1/9/16 B drop 2
Ralph88 Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9 2013 B drop 1, EA found 2016 B drop 2, EA/PA? 2/16 Physical Seperation 2/16 I filed for D 4/16 PA Confirmed
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Cadet, thank you for the response. I have read it many times in other's posts.
I have one big question here. I am not taking any blame or dishing it towards my W, we have both failed in the R. She is a very emotional person, I am not and even worse than not, I have extreme difficulty showing emotion even though I think I am. The emotional connection was always a problem with us. I am just learning about Validation and empathetic listening and conversation.
Is it okay to sprinkle stuff like this into conversations that she brings up and I am trying to be polite? I'm following the rules, but there will be a time she talks, I don't want to feel bad about trying a Validation phrase in there. No expectations.
Ralph88 Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9 2013 B drop 1, EA found 2016 B drop 2, EA/PA? 2/16 Physical Seperation 2/16 I filed for D 4/16 PA Confirmed
I have one big question here. I am not taking any blame or dishing it towards my W, we have both failed in the R. She is a very emotional person, I am not and even worse than not, I have extreme difficulty showing emotion even though I think I am. The emotional connection was always a problem with us. I am just learning about Validation and empathetic listening and conversation.
Is it okay to sprinkle stuff like this into conversations that she brings up and I am trying to be polite? I'm following the rules, but there will be a time she talks, I don't want to feel bad about trying a Validation phrase in there. No expectations.
There is nothing wrong with trying anything.
Most of us already tried begging, pleading, and bargaining and that didn't work. However DB'ing 101 - DO WHAT WORKS. 180 what doesn't
I'm working on me. Following the rules, GAL. And as if. I truly have realized I wasn't a happy person and this is on of the best experiences I've ever been given. I was in a funk for years. Didn't really have good interactions with most people, didn't make friends easily, didn't really speak well with others. I love that I am trying, haven't really connected with any people below the surface, but it's coming, I can feel it. Thank you all for this site and taking the time out of your busy lives to make that connection with the rest of us, support us, guide us, and kick us in the butt when needed. 180s and rules!!!
Ralph88 Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9 2013 B drop 1, EA found 2016 B drop 2, EA/PA? 2/16 Physical Seperation 2/16 I filed for D 4/16 PA Confirmed
Ok, I think I understand 180, but I am going to ask a little clarification. Am I only 180 the things that didn't work, and that I find were bad about myself? I know the begging and pleading doesn't work for example, so I 180 that. What about cleaning around the house and cooking for the family? Do I still keep doing those things, or give a more AS IF attitude about things that I may have done (but really didn't like) to help out the wife. Do I give a compliment if she looks nice, or stay away from that as it may be construed as doing something to appease her and not giving space.
I think that I have been too spacey, coming off as rude. When she has called me or talks to me at the house, more often than not I'm trying to keep it to short. I was 180ing that fact that I am a nice guy, and have always made small comments on her appearance and what not. Believe me, I don't want to be a door mat, but I just want to make sure that I'm doing this right.
Ralph88 Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9 2013 B drop 1, EA found 2016 B drop 2, EA/PA? 2/16 Physical Seperation 2/16 I filed for D 4/16 PA Confirmed
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Oh, I can post.. Like a crazy writer. Let's see. Wife is like super strong person since B drop now. Has to tell me at every opportunity that "this is why I'm confident I'm making the right decision" and "that was another reason to add to the lists of why this is right". I am actually laughing inside, because I know that she is struggling and trying hard to be strong with her decision and to make an attempt to punish me.
She has been temp checking me a lot too. Texting or calling me more often than she used to for the last few months. I try not to respond quickly and sometimes let the call go to voicemail. I don't understand.. UGHHH..
Some nights she'll leave the house to drive in the car with the dog and talk to her best friend for 2 hours about US and R. Why does it take 2 hours to tell your friend over and over again that you don't want to be with me, and that you are done? UGHHH..
I'm very thankful she is leaving in a few weeks for an extended work trip. It will be just me and the Ds and Dogs. I can GAL, workout, meet people (friendly), read and post on here, go to counseling etc. I'm actually hoping she doesn't call me all the time, because I'm trying to LRT and detach, and often when I mess up is when she's bugging me. UGHHH... Will I miss her? I don't know. If you would have asked me two weeks ago, I would say hell yes. But I don't like who either of us have become, especially her, but I'm working on me, and seeing someone I like better every day.
Ralph88 Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9 2013 B drop 1, EA found 2016 B drop 2, EA/PA? 2/16 Physical Seperation 2/16 I filed for D 4/16 PA Confirmed
Hi Ralph, I thought I had already sent you a post, but obviously not. Anyway, glad you found the best board around.
Quote:
I have one big question here. I am not taking any blame or dishing it towards my W, we have both failed in the R. She is a very emotional person, I am not and even worse than not, I have extreme difficulty showing emotion even though I think I am. The emotional connection was always a problem with us. I am just learning about Validation and empathetic listening and conversation.
Isn't it funny how people will often marry their complete opposites? How did you and your W connect before marriage?
May I ask why it seems difficult for you to show emotion? Is your family very much like you?
You do not have to be emotional, to make a connection. When she shows her emotions, do you understand "why"? Do you ever criticize her for being emional?
How do you respond when she is pouring her heart out to you, or venting about some frustration?
Would you say you are a good listener?
Quote:
Ok, I think I understand 180, but I am going to ask a little clarification. Am I only 180 the things that didn't work, and that I find were bad about myself?
Mainly it's about yourself, b/c you can't 180 another person. You can 180 your bad habits, behavior, how you say things, how you respond to people or circumstances, etc. And yes, if something isn't working well, 180 it. However, you don't 180 everything in your life.
Quote:
I know the begging and pleading doesn't work for example, so I 180 that.
Great! What did you do?
Quote:
What about cleaning around the house and cooking for the family? Do I still keep doing those things, or give a more AS IF attitude about things that I may have done (but really didn't like) to help out the wife.
I am very much against the H doing all of the housework and cooking. If the W has a job outside the home, then he can split the work, depending on their work hours, etc. she is not a princess and you are not her servant. If you have been in the habit of doing it all......then stop immediately. Do not expect her to be happy about it. If you have spoiled her by doing all the work, then you've helped to create a monster. If you have done none of the work, then don't think that housework is going to win her over. I don't understand why men always think that's the first thing they should do.
Quote:
Do I give a compliment if she looks nice, or stay away from that as it may be construed as doing something to appease her and not giving space.
Yes, as long as she's being respectful to you. Do not use it to kiss up, b/c we women can ALWAYS tell when a man is kissing tail.
Not sure how you see giving a compliment is not giving space, but if you can't say something nice without it appearing as pursuit.......then maybe study it?
Quote:
I think that I have been too spacey, coming off as rude. When she has called me or talks to me at the house, more often than not I'm trying to keep it to short. I was 180ing that fact that I am a nice guy, and have always made small comments on her appearance and what not. Believe me, I don't want to be a door mat, but I just want to make sure that I'm doing this right.
You don't have to be a motormouth. Neither do you have to be rude. Just be pleasant, as long as she is showing respect. But the "nice-guy" probably is your biggest stumbling block. Have you read no more mr. nice guy?
Also, let me point something out a lot of guys get confused about in DBing. Some things that could have worked.......or maybe would have worked before reaching this level, will not work now. It has gone past the point of doing whatever you use to do in order to make-up. This will be a whole new way of thinking for you, probably. And, some guys fall into a trap when they start pouring themselves into doing what they think is a 180. They think, "Okay, I never did this, so I need to start doing it. I always did that, so I need to stop". They essentially start becoming some type of super-husband........and it is a complete turn-off to a WW. This may be a little confusing, so I will comment more as we go along. For now, just try to correct sloppy and/or bad behavior. Improve yourself as a man, first, before you pour all your focus into trying to be the perfect husband. Do not try to impress her.
You won't learn everything in the first few posts, so allow a little time to grasp things. However, do ask any questions you may have.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hi Ralph, I thought I had already sent you a post, but obviously not. Anyway, glad you found the best board around.
Quote:
I have one big question here. I am not taking any blame or dishing it towards my W, we have both failed in the R. She is a very emotional person, I am not and even worse than not, I have extreme difficulty showing emotion even though I think I am. The emotional connection was always a problem with us. I am just learning about Validation and empathetic listening and conversation.
Isn't it funny how people will often marry their complete opposites? How did you and your W connect before marriage?
>>>Before marriage and in the first few months we were amazing. The opposite thing was actually amazing. From my perspective, it allowed each of us to have insight into other viewpoints of the world. She was the talker, I was the listener, with some opening up. I told here all my dirty secrets, maybe not in an emotional way.
May I ask why it seems difficult for you to show emotion? Is your family very much like you?
>>My family is not very emotional, and kind of private. I also had a rough upbringing with neither parent there most of the time, and definitely not emotionally.
You do not have to be emotional, to make a connection. When she shows her emotions, do you understand "why"? Do you ever criticize her for being emional?
>>In the past I have gone through phases where I am super supportive of her emotional side, embrace it and cherish it. But there were times, many many years ago, when under a lot of stress from work, life, and ex-wife, and current W, I just couldn't handle the stress of what I felt was her badgering me all the time for hours and hours over emotional stuff. I felt like I was going to explode and have a nervous breakdown. Yes, I would criticize her, but that was only a short period of time.. And I don't think I have in the last many years, but I have not fostered the emotional connection. Mostly because I thought things were 'ok' and I don't really do emotional very well. I am working on it for myself though.
How do you respond when she is pouring her heart out to you, or venting about some frustration?
Would you say you are a good listener?
>>I think that I always listen. Mostly intently, sometimes not. I have learned over the last few weeks that I tend to be a fixer, and that I really didn't understand Validation. Both things I am trying to work on for myself now. Even practicing Validation with people and my kids.
Quote:
Ok, I think I understand 180, but I am going to ask a little clarification. Am I only 180 the things that didn't work, and that I find were bad about myself?
Mainly it's about yourself, b/c you can't 180 another person. You can 180 your bad habits, behavior, how you say things, how you respond to people or circumstances, etc. And yes, if something isn't working well, 180 it. However, you don't 180 everything in your life.
Quote:
I know the begging and pleading doesn't work for example, so I 180 that.
Great! What did you do?
>>It's weird, I think that some of the begging and pleading was exciting for my wife, but overall she wasn't responding, and I wasn't happy with myself and the actions and feeling I was having. So after finding this forum and buying the DB book, I've starting 180, GAL, exercising, reading.. Thinking more about life and how short it is to be unhappy. I have realized that I really don't have anyone besides my wife and kids, and that is sad, as well as puts me in a position to be very lonely in life..
Quote:
What about cleaning around the house and cooking for the family? Do I still keep doing those things, or give a more AS IF attitude about things that I may have done (but really didn't like) to help out the wife.
I am very much against the H doing all of the housework and cooking. If the W has a job outside the home, then he can split the work, depending on their work hours, etc. she is not a princess and you are not her servant. If you have been in the habit of doing it all......then stop immediately. Do not expect her to be happy about it. If you have spoiled her by doing all the work, then you've helped to create a monster. If you have done none of the work, then don't think that housework is going to win her over. I don't understand why men always think that's the first thing they should do.
Quote:
Do I give a compliment if she looks nice, or stay away from that as it may be construed as doing something to appease her and not giving space.
Yes, as long as she's being respectful to you. Do not use it to kiss up, b/c we women can ALWAYS tell when a man is kissing tail.
Not sure how you see giving a compliment is not giving space, but if you can't say something nice without it appearing as pursuit.......then maybe study it?
Quote:
I think that I have been too spacey, coming off as rude. When she has called me or talks to me at the house, more often than not I'm trying to keep it to short. I was 180ing that fact that I am a nice guy, and have always made small comments on her appearance and what not. Believe me, I don't want to be a door mat, but I just want to make sure that I'm doing this right.
You don't have to be a motormouth. Neither do you have to be rude. Just be pleasant, as long as she is showing respect. But the "nice-guy" probably is your biggest stumbling block. Have you read no more mr. nice guy?
Also, let me point something out a lot of guys get confused about in DBing. Some things that could have worked.......or maybe would have worked before reaching this level, will not work now. It has gone past the point of doing whatever you use to do in order to make-up. This will be a whole new way of thinking for you, probably. And, some guys fall into a trap when they start pouring themselves into doing what they think is a 180. They think, "Okay, I never did this, so I need to start doing it. I always did that, so I need to stop". They essentially start becoming some type of super-husband........and it is a complete turn-off to a WW. This may be a little confusing, so I will comment more as we go along. For now, just try to correct sloppy and/or bad behavior. Improve yourself as a man, first, before you pour all your focus into trying to be the perfect husband. Do not try to impress her.
You won't learn everything in the first few posts, so allow a little time to grasp things. However, do ask any questions you may have.
Ralph88 Me 40s W 30s, D5 D3 , M7 T9 2013 B drop 1, EA found 2016 B drop 2, EA/PA? 2/16 Physical Seperation 2/16 I filed for D 4/16 PA Confirmed
