Believe me I understand. I'm sure most of us here do. But one thing that shook me to action - is what you're doing now working? Are you happy with how things are? Do you think you're drawing him in right now? If not, why would you keep doing the same things?
It's all about making that first step and gaining enough inertia to take another. And another. Next thing you know you're not even thinking about it, but you're walking toward your goals.
What is a good first step for you? What might be a meaningful and manageable action?
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
Currently, when I am not over there making a fool out of myself and breaking my NC, I am trying to work on myself. I told the IC that I want to focus on fixing ME instead of taking about H which I can't control or fix. I am walking and have lost 40lbs. I was GALing pretty good, but the new AD that I'm taking is causing insomnia and I just can't seem to make myself get out of the house. Hoping that wears off soon! Yesterday I looked up classes at the gym I belong to. Again, just too tired to get out today to go to one, but hopefully soon.
That's about it. I don't know what else to do. My focus should be on me, I know...but, I still think about H all the time and don't think anything I'm doing is drawing him to me. The NC makes him miss me, but he isn't going to contact me and never sees me so how is that helping? This is pretty much what I do, just go around and around in my mind and come up with nothing. Would love some insight if you have some!!
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
You are not a weak person at all... I can only speak for myself, but I know I definitely struggle with the same fear of losing my H altogether. But 1) they are already gone. If my H signs the final D paper tomorrow, my life will not change in any way from how I have lived the last year and a half. It's just a piece of paper and he's already gone. And 2) fear holds you back from doing the very thing MOST LIKELY to bring him home--moving on and bettering yourself. Trust me, MB...I have done it all...fought, guilted, tried to convince him and *nice him* back home...it doesn't work. There is nothing you can do to bring him home, so you don't have to worry that *not* doing something is going to make any difference. It isn't. This isn't about you. It's about him. The only thing you can do is for yourself to make sure you are the most attractive option when he finally spins out and crashes. That's when you will have a chance to save your M.
All trying to be Mrs. Fix-it does is make us look less attractive to our spouses because that sort of behavior reeks of desperation and lack of self respect. Let him go. You are TOO GOOD to be treated the way you are being treated. Think about all the great guys out there who would think you were nothing short of amazing if you treated them as you try to treat your H. He does not deserve you right now.
I'm not saying it's easy... It hurts like h-e- double hockey sticks. I will admit to way too much navel gazing behavior, analyzing and second guessing H's every move, way more often than I should (you can read about it in full detail on my thread...lol). But I'll be darned if he'll know about it. Sometimes I practically have to sit on my hands not to send that text or email and temp check or just see what I can get from him. But I do it because I already know...I have already done everything else and it was not the answer. Anyway...do you really even LIKE the person your H is right now? I know I don't. I miss the man I married, but my H is no longer that man, and never will be again. He might be someone even better someday, just like I hope to be someone better too...but right now, he isn't. And I don't want the jerk who is currently invading his body. I'm fabulous and he doesn't appreciate me enough. You are fabulous too (and so is every other LBS here). Don't ever let him make you feel otherwise.
Anna, as usual, is right MB. Do we really even like who they are right now? I know I don't. And is what we did/are doing, working? In my case 1000% no!
I'm hurt by his newest rejections so I am not in a mental place to do anything but be hurt and angry right now. I'm sure I am shooting myself in the foot but if I try to bury these feelings I will explode.
And as Anna said, we're so scared of losing them, but honey, they are already gone. And if anything we've done was working they would be home already. We have to (you first what with my anger issues at the moment) do the opposite of what we have done ala MWD and DR. Counter intuitive and all that jazz.
So we should both make a list of what HASN'T worked and another list with what we can counter those things with and then implement and track.
Rain (moi): 40 Ex Fiance: 39 3 kids On/off again EA & PA Last BD by ow 12/15 Moved kids and myself back into our own place: 12/15
That sounds like a good plan to list what does and doesn't work. I've been all jazzed this week because W and I had some flirty conversations. (Her: I guess I really was stalking you. Me: I can't say I'm offended by that.) But then I think, if she is still with sow, I'm just letting her know I'm still available. That's not going to help me save my M, is it? I'm basing all this on the assumption that sow is no longer in favor. But I really don't know that. When W said "I need more time alone", I don't know how alone that meant. I guess the bottom line is the old saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is what we have to trust in.
I'm starting to worry that sow might be at the game tonight. It was so nice not to have to see her last week that I'm not really prepared to see her tonight.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Thanks SciDad. I know that you're right. I'm just so afraid of loosing him in the process. I think it's that fear that keeps me from moving in any direction at all and just being stuck where I am. Afraid to let go. Afraid to no do anything. Just so afraid of making the wrong choice and messing up any chance of getting back together. I know I need to let go of that fear, I just don't know how to do that yet. I am a person that is very passive, easy going, always tries to fix things so everyone is happy.....and I hate change more than anything. So, to think of making huge changes in my life and relationship, and possibly loosing it, is just beyond scary for me. I know I can't be the only person on this forum that feels this way or that seems to be stuck like I am. I know this makes me sound like a weak person, but I'm actually not. It's just this one part of my life I can't seem to get a grasp on. Still trying. [/quote]
I am the SAME WAY.DON'T FEEL BAD. Its a struggle for me as well. I hate change..but I'm trying.Igo between doing 180 but then my separated husband seems to have pulled away and angry more since doing it so now I paranoid Im making us worse vs better. We will figure it out!
Change is hard. And there is nothing wrong with being hesitant about change.
I'm not sure how old you are, but I'm going to channel an good, but older movie (80s) on you
"Sometimes you just gotta say 'What the F(#&.' Make your move!.... Every now and then, say "What the f(#&." "What the f(#&" gives you freedom. Freedom brings opportunity, opportunity makes your future..."
-Risky Business
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
MB, here's what you posted to me a few days ago, I think. I had saved it and now it's time to share it with you:
"DO NOT BELIEVE ANYTHING THAT THEY SAY AND ONLY HALF OF WHAT THEY DO! Don't forget that, it's actually true!! They are confused and don't know what they want. Remember Dec 20th when I was SO excited because after 5 weeks of NC, I went to Hs house and he was SO HAPPY to see me. I had done so well at NC that H actually thought I was gone and was never coming back, and that I had moved on with my own life without him. That night he apologized repeatedly and told me he wanted our marriage to work. He said he was going to tell OW that it was over. He did just that. The very next day he broke it off with her and appeared to be recommitted to US. I was SOOOOOO happy and as a complete idiot, I jumped right back in with both feet. Things were great for 12 days and then he did an about face and pulled the rug right out from under me again. WTF?!! He said he was sorry, but had come to the realization that things hadn't changed at all and he didn't want to see me anymore...just wasn't going to work out. It took about another week before he started talking to OW again, but they are hot and heavy again. The DB thing was WORKING, but I didn't give it a chance. Now I'm right back where I started. If you continue to try to run into her and pursue her, show her your feelings, etc, she KNOWS that you are waiting for her. If you really want to reconcile, she has to honestly think you're gone. The problem with that is that it is so painful for you to do unless you actually disconnect from them and move on. I am trying that now and am afraid that when it happens, he will want to come back and I will no longer be here for him. That scares me. Just take a deep breath, relax and trust the process. One of two things will happen. You will either be successful in drawing her back to you and will reconcile, or you will be successful in GAL and moving on and will find happiness elsewhere as a stronger and better you. Either way, YOU win. I'm scared too, but we can do this together. Just trust the process, that's what I'm trying to do."
We have to trust the process. You haven't ruined anything with H. This isn't the end. Let's practice patience. Just for today, don't drive past his house. And then don't drive past his house tomorrow or Sunday. Pretend this is ALL you have to get him back, then do it. The benefit is that you won't know for sure if he's with the sow or not and you can focus on you instead. You're worth it.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
NYGal...I agree. Don't let her know she still has you on the hook. Be friendly if you run into her...happy, cheerful, pleasant, and act like you are completely unbothered by anything that has happened. She is putting out her feelers to make sure she still has the option to come back. She needs to be the one worrying that she is going to lose her chance unless she straightens up...
Originally Posted By: NYGal
That sounds like a good plan to list what does and doesn't work. I've been all jazzed this week because W and I had some flirty conversations. (Her: I guess I really was stalking you. Me: I can't say I'm offended by that.) But then I think, if she is still with sow, I'm just letting her know I'm still available. That's not going to help me save my M, is it? I'm basing all this on the assumption that sow is no longer in favor. But I really don't know that. When W said "I need more time alone", I don't know how alone that meant. I guess the bottom line is the old saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder" is what we have to trust in.
I'm starting to worry that sow might be at the game tonight. It was so nice not to have to see her last week that I'm not really prepared to see her tonight.
Change is hard. And there is nothing wrong with being hesitant about change.
I'm not sure how old you are, but I'm going to channel an good, but older movie (80s) on you
"Sometimes you just gotta say 'What the F(#&.' Make your move!.... Every now and then, say "What the f(#&." "What the f(#&" gives you freedom. Freedom brings opportunity, opportunity makes your future..."
I will admit to way too much navel gazing behavior, analyzing and second guessing H's every move, way more often than I should (you can read about it in full detail on my thread...lol). But I'll be darned if he'll know about it. Sometimes I practically have to sit on my hands not to send that text or email and temp check or just see what I can get from him. But I do it because I already know...I have already done everything else and it was not the answer. Anyway...do you really even LIKE the person your H is right now? I know I don't. I miss the man I married, but my H is no longer that man, and never will be again. He might be someone even better someday, just like I hope to be someone better too...but right now, he isn't. And I don't want the jerk who is currently invading his body. I'm fabulous and he doesn't appreciate me enough. 
You are fabulous too (and so is every other LBS here). Don't ever let him make you feel otherwise.