Have been reading for a couple of weeks and found alot of helpful advice but hoping for some more.
My current situation is that my wife has declared that she no longer loves me and is looking to get out of the relationship.
We have 2 kids, S7 and D3.
The short version is: wife had an EA with a work colleague in the first few months of 2015 that according to her almost went PA. She didn't and came home telling me she was scared of her feelings and realised there were some problems in our marriage. Maybe an error on my part is I let her back into the relationship to easily. I requested that she cut as much contact as possible (as the work together) and that if there is contact to be open and honest with me. This was ok for about 3 months then the contact slowly increased over the next 3 months to the point they were talking several times a week. when I questioned this the response I got was that it wasn't important and I was being petty. Hence these discussions sometimes turned into arguments, during which she regularly threatened to leave. I can admit I said things I regret in retaliation.
Then at the end of November '15 she dropped the I don't know if I love you any more and need some space. I made the usual mistakes of trying to be a good husband by trying to do all the nice things I could. We had one more argument after this. Then a couple of days later she wasn't feeling well and I looked after her, she told me that a few days earlier she was ready to leave but now she wasn't sure as I seemed my old self. I had made a conscious choice by then to step back and not argue anything. She was still telling me she was struggling with her feelings for me.
A few days after that she had her christmas party, she called the kids before bed but as she talked to me I knew she was lying to me about something. Needless to say, I followed my gut and found her at her colleagues place. Her first words to me were that the affair was going to start tonight. She then said our marriage was over and had been for awhile. I suggested she come home and work on this but she stayed there for the night. The next morning she arrived back at the house as I was taking the kids to school and daycare. She stayed and we talked a bit when I got back. She said it as a mistake to stay with him but she no longer loved me and wanted out of this roller coaster we were on. Again I made the usual mistakes of telling her to think about the kids, that we were just at a stage of things turing around for us etc.
She wanted to stay in the spare room, I responded by saying that she could if we continue the counseling we were doing in order to repair the marriage, if not she needed to find somewhere else to stay. She went to friends. She came by every evening for the next week to see the kids even though she was telling people I was stopping her seeing them. She even had them at the friends for a sleep over one night. The week before Christmas, we talked after the kids were in bed about presents for the kids. We hadn't fought and had spent time together with the kids. She was supposed to come back to the house on the Wednesday for breakfast but didn't show, I had to call our friends and remind her that she told the kids she would have been there for breakfast. When she finally turned up, I asked her why she let them down (I knew she had gone out the night before) she said she had been to have a beer with the OM. Then proceeded to shout at me that I had no control over what she does or who she sees, I calmly said it does when it affects the kids. Sorry, rambling now.
W stayed in the house till boxing day when I went back to Ireland with the kids for the holidays, W did not come with. We had a good time but I knew if she stayed at home she would see the OM, which she did.
OK, will try and be shorter. Currently she is still in the house sleeping in the spare room, I have stepped back and have moved on with my life for the past 3 weeks. I am going to the gym 3 times a week to get out of the house and have been following the steps of going 'dim'.
I guess the reason I am looking for advice is to help me deal with and hopefully understand what might be going on with her.
I have really looked inside myself and the problems I could have caused in the relationship and can admit to making mistakes. I feel I was under a fog of exhaustion ( we have been building a house) and couldn't see through it. I know it has taken the jolt of loosing my family to kick me out of it. I have learnt alot about myself and am finding the real me, the one I used to be and the one I am going to be. The much better me. I have seen my relationship with my kids improve dramatically, as I know I have been the stable one for them. I have been a happier, calmer person and am looking forward to continuing this path I am on.
Now, my W has not changed her path, I am still to blame for everything that has gone wrong with this marriage. She is planning to move out and has found an apartment that will be available in March. She plans on staying at the house till then and being co-parents and room-mates.
So, I started implementing the 180's and Sandi's rules also about 3 weeks ago. The feedback I can give so far is:
- my wife has told 2 people over the past 3 weeks that she has seen big differences in me, the first person she told she said she didn't trust they could be for her also but she didn't say that the second time.
- she will initiate conversations, wants to talk about her day, ask me about my day, ask how my time at the gym was. I listen to her day, and give her short but polite replies to her questions about mine.
- she has seeked me out to tell me big news from work.
- i am sure she has been setting traps and has tried to induce a fight but I haven't taken any bait.
- I am acting like I am moving on and when I am home, I normally leave her to her space, she has asked to play some board games or watch tv after the kids are in bed. Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't.
- We have been doing things as a family of 4 and I have enjoyed playing with my kids each time. I let her talk, we can joke and laugh when we are all together and she regularly makes little slips about the future.
I do feel I need some help navigating this whirlwind of emotions she seems to be living on and will be very appreciative of it.
I have ordered the DR book, should be here tomorrow.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I am a rather newbie here and don't have the EA/PA thing (at least that I could uncover) but seems like you are doing what you should be with DB'ing.
What I have learned is the WAW/H is going to blame you for all that is wrong in the world and relationship...period. My STBX has gone to the extremes to remind me and having to live under the same roof is brutal.
There are things you are following that are working so keep up the good work and stay the course. I wish I had this support and guidance when my sitch started so I would listen to those who have been thru the muck and its great advice.
_________________________ Me-48 Spouse-WAW 52 Married for 10 years D7 ILYBNILWY 7/15 Suspect EA/PA 12/15 No confirmation/denial She files 1/2016 Working towards the Big D ...still in progress....
Think of whether what she is doing respects or disrespects you. Do not accept disrespect. Her out of the master bedroom. perfect. You doing a 180 and GAL, the same. Move on as if you are single and she is just your roommate. It is the best thing you can do in this situation. Go back to Sandi's rules. Don't let her back into your life until she knows beyond a doubt she will do what it takes to fix what is broken in her. In the meantime, you keep working on you.
H:54 W:46 D:11 D:21 M:12 BD:1/15 In-house Separation 2/15 DB started 7/15, W sees consistency 9/15 Dropping the rope and having her leave 2/16, moves 5/16 Reconciliation 1/17 Obviously still struggling
I am very sorry you are here. These people on the board know their stuff. I can also recommend the DB coaching sessions, mine have been great. It is the like the forums, but much more personal. Stick to the 180s and the detaching, it is so darn hard. Be your best with her, and be your worst when you need to when you are alone or here.
Me:34 W:33 R: 15 years M: 7 years W moved out: 11/21/15 BD: 11/20/15 - ILYBINILWY, PA once LRT: 12/14/15
It sounds like you have really caught on and are seeing some changes in her behavior. Be cautious! She could be temperature checking you and you are wise not to take the bait. She could also be eating cake.
Thank you mbebos for the vote of confidence regarding the DB Coaching. I'm so happy to hear that the coaching has been helpful!
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Thank you all for your answers and support so far. Much appreciated.
Sandi, I have read your story several times and I guess you were one of the people I looked forward to hearing from the most. I have read most of the links already before posting. I guess I look to you for that side of the fence. I know that every individual is different but your position and experience is closer than my own.
Cristy, I am being cautious and i do believe at the moment she is cake eating. She has the comforts of being at home and being able to kiss the kids goodnight every night without doing anything for the relationship.
I will add some other information, currently her father health has been declining and my W had a cancer scare but was clean. I have felt that some of this could be a MLC also.
The main reason I had for posting is to find the support in dealing with the fluctuations of emotions she seems to be living on. For example, the other day she got home from work and almost bypassed the kids to come tell me about some 'bombshell' news with this huge smile on her face. After telling me she then left to go have a meeting for this apartment she wants. After the kids were in bed, the mood was quiet as I left for the gym. Once I was back, she asked if I had a good workout and told me she got the place for March. I only answered ok and said goodnight.
I do feel she is testing me regularly and going to the gym 3 times a week and biking to work has been my life saver. I have also given myself a goal of running a half marathon in April.
I am working hard at re-finding my real self, I feel so much better in myself and my family and friends have seen it too. I will continue the path I have set myself on for me and my kids.
I am also still working on the balance of going dim around the kids.
I did set a boundary that if she lived in the house that all communication with the OM stops outside of her work, I had to re-state that a week later but haven't mentioned it again. Our phones are linked as she uses my ID and we see each other's call history. She has deleted his number going back a month, but doesn't do this for any other numbers. I have told her how to fix this but she has still not done this. She also told me she was going to give me her rings back but still hasn't, that was 3 weeks ago. She has 'spitballed' many ideas for sharing custody of the kids when she moves out but doesn't like any of her own suggestions. She wants to be able to call them every night when I have them but I have said no to that as I didn't want my schedule dictated by her, she wants to meet and have dinner all together once a week at the house or her apartment. Again I said no to this and explained that as she is basically wanting to leave me for someone else why would I want to be in her apartment, or even to see her when I don't have to.
She asked last week what I have learnt about myself this past few weeks and I explained a little of how much a fog I was under and the shock of loosing my family jolted me out of it and forced me to look hard and deep at myself. I did tell her that I needed space from her as the trust she broke twice was very damaging to our marriage. I didn't ask her to come back or to think about us, I just said I had forgiven myself, I can't change the past and am moving forward with my life and feeling great about it.
She had mentioned that although she has seen differences in me, especially with the kids (she told a friend I was like super Dad), she doesn't trust it can be with her also. I have not indicated or said anything to her that I'm doing anything for her. My path is for me and for my kids, she is on her own path but I still feel she is in the angry, resentful and blaming stage. I am just refusing to be dragged down with her.
Cristy, you mentioned I had seen changes in her behavior and to be cautious, which I am. Can I ask you what you mean by those changes I see? As I have read we ignore pretty much all she says and 50% of what she does. Are the things I see just someone being civil or is there the potential for her to still be conflicted within herself. I know patience is the key and I'm not going to push her or ask her about anything.
She has mentioned she feels she needs professional help, something I would agree on, but she hasn't taken that step yet. I don't pursue or try and suggest anything, she is still leaning on the comforts of being at home, but I have stopped cleaning her mess, and have tried to remove the easy options for her that I would normally take care of.
I have read a lot of articles, journals, stories here and have learnt a lot in a short period of time. I am pretty sure she has not done any of this and maybe Sandi you could answer this best, if there is still conflict, and I think from reading yours and other stories there is, is this emotional mindset scared to find out about themselves and potentially have to face their own mistakes? I know she will have to do this in her own time and I will not try and do anything about that.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
