Hi all and thank you so much from the bottom of my heart, for all the help, encouraging words, wise advice... holding my hand while crossing the darkness.
I still have a hard time with the whole MLC, but I guess it is really happening and it is not a lose weight project.
I gave myself some time. It is still very confusing for me when someone talks in circles saying something but not saying it. And that is what XH did.
In MO, it has two takes: 1. XH is trying to come clean with his faith. He was always a man of faith and for a long time he has been away from God. He told me he has been talking to some christian man, he probably told them what is happening to him and they advise him that he needs to forgive and ask for forgiveness in order to move on. You see, XH is a physicist, with degrees in marketing and engineering, and a director of sales. His books are "How to influence people" and other in the same line. His brain works in numbers, projects. He journal his personal to do list, like his feelings and what to do with it.
The ones that are christian will understand what this means inside your faith. For a christian if you do not forgive, you won't be free. Forgiveness is not for the other person, as much as it is for you. If you ask for forgiveness then you cleanse yourself, humble yourself and it is not as much as asking forgiveness to the other person, it is asking God's forgiveness.
It sound stupid if you do not believe, but it is something very powerful if you do.
If it was his intention, then it means that he is ready to let go on all his guilt and deception. He is ready to follow his path and is getting ready for his next journey.
2.He is still using faith as a guide to achieve his own resolution, but he is being very sincere in what he is saying to me. He started recognizing that he did many wrongs that took him into the path he is in right now.
That he really thinks that his unhappiness does not come from me, as he said it, and it is inside him and he needs to work things out with himself.
So, I can think that hope is all lost or that there is a lot of hope. In any way I am the one lost here.
I was very frustrated, mainly because I am not very patient. The material I have been reading from the divorce support group has helped me today.
It helped me to realize that my marriage is totally over, and it is not going to be the next "Walking Dead" episode. It is gone, won't ever be back.
There is a slim possibility that XH may fall in love with me again, but that never may happen.
Right now I am afraid to have hope. I am afraid to believe in anything he says to me. I am afraid he will try to manipulate me into being plan B. I am just very afraid of this pain.
I guess the only way to go from here is to continue to work on my detachment, with NC or minimal contact, try to avoid XH as much as possible. If he wants to give a second time chance to "US" as a couple, a family... then he knows my address.
The only thing I want to do is to write a letter to him and be honest. I said I did not need to forgive him because I had forgiven him already and it is not true. This weekend I looked very close inside my heart and found that I have a lot of anger and resentment.
I want to be really honest about this. I am thinking to post a letter and see what you guys think. But the reality is that I lied to him, and he will see it in my behavior. I did not let go as someone that forgives.
Today at the workshop I wrote a goodbye letter in a blue paper. I said goodbye to all the dreams I had because I was married, goodbye to a family I had before, to the holidays and vacations we could spent together, to sharing a picture at our kids graduation, wedding, grand kids. I said goodbye to the time we finally could spend just the two of us because our kids are older now. I said goodbye for the chance to lay my head on his chest and feel safe.
I still think that XH loves in some way, but I can't love him anymore the way I do. I need this feeling out of my heart so I do not become a bitter old lady, stuck.
On friday night, XH came to the house. He knocked the door, when I opened it, he had a big smile on his face and was walking in. I hold the door not all the way open and said that the boys would be right out, then closed the door.
On saturday, he did the same, I did not let him in. I asked him about the kids insurance cards with him outside the house. He walked closer to the door and said that he was just waiting for the kids. I said to him: I am sorry for this, but you left and you do not want to come back. He was sad and said to me: It's OK, I understand. Then I just closed the door.
It's not easy. For me it seems like he uses everything to keep that contact with me. He is very irresponsible, I need basically ask him for everything. Insurance, taxes papers, need to see his mail, his stuff in the garage, money that he owns me, and so on.
This week I decided I need to find the way to be the best ofe me. Time for decision, time to change, time to be a very independent and happy woman again. I need to feel great, I need to feel worthy, I need to prepare myself for my next chapter.
Sorry to mumble so much. I am somewhat lost in the XH curb ball.
Hi Pink. This is just my humble opinion but you seem to be rushing at things again. Last post you admitted you loved him and now you are trying to end the paint.
I do think you need boundaries and you need to move forward but I would still relax back from making any choices that might be made too quickly
H did come forward so why not carry on as you are and see how things go. Of course protecting yourself with boundaries
Sorry this is so hard but you will come out the other side
This might sound trite, but I think you know in your answer.
It's still wait and see time. I think he reeled out some bait and didn't quiet get what he hoped for. Waiting and seeing how things pan out might be very wise. Don't chase don't allow him to eat too much cake and fall back into old habits.
You have come too far to just fold. Work to fix him comes from him. He might be testing the water but you I think need far more commitment than that. So being calm won't ruin that. It might speed him up if he thinks your really done.
M 46 h54 Both married before T 11y Bd 2/14 I must see where ow leads! Ms 18 hs 26
Hi Pink, I agree with RD. When these convos with H happen - instead of reacting in some way (I want to write him a letter, close the door etc.) it is an option just to be still and do nothing different - ie: his words and actions don't need to vary your path at all.
You have recently D'd, you are recovering from your D and you have set some boundaries in terms of his behaviour. You are doing new things, meeting new people, working and looking after your kids. Maybe all of that is enough for now.
There's no need to close the door with your H, or tell him you haven't forgiven him yet. Why not quietly process things and let events unfold without doing anything. If you keep doing something, his actions always provoke a reaction, which provokes a reaction from him - and then I think you are on the rollercoaster again. But I think if you just sit quiet and do your thing, you stay centred and moving forward with life.
I think your comments on forgiveness seeking may well be right. But I think that is still a move in a good direction - ie: he accepts some responsibility for what has been done and realises hurt was caused and feels bad about that.
You're doing well Sweetie, and glad the group is helping too xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
You know me so well by now. I am a passionate person and that makes me very uncomfortable in this situation. Besides that I have my issues with rejection, and this is pure rejection.
Maybe it all have a reason, I also need to grow up, be stronger on my self confidence and let life deal with the rest. Learn how to be patient.
This all can sound very beautiful in words, but the pure reality is that thinking of what I miss in my M, I can say I miss the family value, not the family. I miss the marriage value, not the marriage itself. I miss the caring, loving and supportive H that I always dreamed about, but never really had one.
So what I miss are the values I have inside of me. Not the reality I had. I do not miss the electrician, plumber, mechanic. Not even the meals he prepared, because he always want to do good, but his food was not the best. XH was a career maker, a traveler, a single guy that would come home for comfort. He was a controlling father, my kids need to say "Yes Sir, or Yes Dad" as he always pointed out.
I asked him to think about our lives long ago, maybe he could change jobs and travel less or not travel at all and I got: "This is what I do, what I like to do and it is what I will always do". I asked him to slow down on the snowboarding because then we could save some money to have some different vacations as a family, and what I got was this: "This is what I like to do and I will do no matter what".
I look back in my marriage and I see me being a total fool, stupid, controlled wife with no say. I see I was strong and hold the family together for a long time, when I was too weak, the family was gone, it was broken. He did not step up to hold our family together, even after me saying I needed him more present, I needed his support. And to make things worse he got himself an affair with a work colleague.
Is this man learning all what he needs to learn to be a humble person that will love others at least the same way he loves himself? Or he is a narcissist and won't ever look at someone right beside him?
When he spoke with me last Thursday, it was not about me. It was only about him. It is about what he needs to do to clean his chest from so much garbage he knows he thrown on his family. He says he is unhappy, that I am not his unhappiness and he has been figuring this out. I really hope so, for his own good.
But it is again the selfishness coming through, he needs to find his happiness and does not see that helping others to be happy makes you more happy then trying to make yourself happy.
He talks about humble and for me it is a bunch of bull, he talks about forgiveness and it is a bunch of bull, he talks about forgiving me and it is a bunch of bull. He is just walking in circles and missing the big point in life. We need to give in order to receive. When you smile at someone, we often get a smile back, when we go out of our way to help someone, we get help from someone else. It is the unconditional love among man that keeps this world moving.
My biggest deal is to get this all resolved without hate. It is indeed a very thin line between love and hate.
There is an enormous list that he can start showing he is changing as a person, changing his priorities. He likes to say his kids as the only and most important for him in this world. Nice F*@ words, but in reality, he is not helping his kids in anything, not even talking with them about what is important in their lives right now.
Yes, I keep going back and forth with my love for this Jerk, because for some reason I can't explain very well, I can detach easily, I can't just let go. There is this deep feeling in my heart that needs to dissipate and it is not going away.
I guess it is time, giving myself time to grief and move on. I just want to be blind anymore. XH does not love me, does not love his kids and for sure he does not love himself. Maybe one day he will wake up from what he call life. I hope he can face his soul naked of all his garbage and finally become the person he think he is.
In the meantime, I will keep taking him from my heart little by little, and one day it will be clean, just clean of all the wounds he created in it.
The positive in this is that every day there is a new reason to love myself. The changes are more obvious now, I have friends asking me what happen to me. That I should be hurt and bitter and I am actually much better then when I was married. Some go as far as saying that I am a million times better divorced.
Maybe it all happen so I could get myself out of prison.
Pink, I think your signature says it all. You've been moving forward since last October. It seems you've come a long way.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Sweetie, come on and sit next to me on the sofa. The Big Sofa where we process stuff together.
It seems that you are reeling from XH's latest revelations and self-realizations. Right now, it is imperative not to make any assumptions about his motivations or intentions. Unless you've lived inside his head, you really just DON'T know at all.
Frankly, I do not see it as XH making any resolutions or taking firm steps toward one particular outcome. At that time, I believe he was sincere in expressing his remorse which is a BIGGIE for an MLCer. Now, I am with you on setting boundaries and keeping them for now as a self-protective measure. I get that. Good job on keeping XH outside in the front door and not letting him inside. He's going have to do some more internal and external work to earn your trust again after all of that awful stuff he's pulled out over the last several months/years.
However, I wouldn't be too hasty in slamming the door in his face because he didn't meet your expectations of doing E,F, G in that precise order or in a particular way. Take his words at the face value for now.
What you really do need right now is to step back to process your emotions. Your emotions are trying to tell you something and you react by wanting to write a letter to XH because they are very uncomfortable with you.
What I do when faced with uncomfortable emotions is to sit on the Wounded Child Sofa and have a chat with her about what's going on. I'd bet the Kent Farm that you'd find a bunch of stuff that you didn't know were there all along.
Own your emotions. Own your reactions.
Step back for a bit. There is no firm timeline or deadlines for time is an illusion. There is NO urgency here, Pink.
It helped me to realize that my marriage is totally over, and it is not going to be the next "Walking Dead" episode. It is gone, won't ever be back.
This ^^^ is your Wounded Child crying out loud. It doesn't necessarily mean it's totally over. Not from where I am sitting. It is a new trajectory. That new line is not yet being written. At this time, it is a new energy for you and XH. How you two handle it is UP to you.
I can understand your fear: being really hurt ALL over again if you were to open up your heart again to XH. I had the very same reaction when Ms. Wonka and I communicated again. I went a bit stir crazy and Fort Knoxed my heart with a bunch of spikes in the road and other gazillions of booby traps to prevent Ms. Wonka from entering my heart again.
If he wants to give a second time chance to "US" as a couple, a family... then he knows my address.
Honey, it goes both ways. You also need to be at a place to given XH a second chance as well. It takes two to tango for a reconciliation.
However, it is critical that you go into self-care and allow time to process these emotions. No decisions need to be made today. Next week. Next month. Allow it all to unfold organically.
Instead of a letter to XH, you might want to journal to yourself to better understand the latest revelations and what they mean to you. Whatever works for you.
Wonka, I am all over the place emotionally, I have been crying at work, what is not that good since I have patients today.
I will do what you say, sit on my inner child sofa, yet I know it is not going to be fun. I guess I am avoiding to cry more, to hurt more, but I need to go there literally.
It all comes back to my father loving me on the distance and never saying it to me. I comes back to my mom spanking me, and I faking my way through life, trying to always please my mom so she would not have a reason to blow on me.
I will follow the advice. I am so messed up right now. My emotions are all over the place and it wouldn't be fair even with myself to make some move that I will regret later. All what is happening to me right now has no face to XH, he does not see it or even suspect it. (I would guess).
Right now, I should not include him in any of my transformation, it is my time to morph and I know I need to do this for my own good. I am actually amazed of how transparent I have been that you all can pick it up by just reading my words.
Wonka, you know I have been changing and the road will be bumpy for me. That I need to come to terms with my inner child and accept that child. Let go on the original wound.
This does not change the strong person I did build up, does not change a caring mother I am, does not change my faith or the smile on my face. This is my emotional balance in accepting what it was and realizing the pain that is hiding on a close drawer inside of me.
I will do it tonight and see what happens, I will write it tomorrow, it is time... time to clean the dirty laundry. It is time to visit that child I tried to forget.
I am also very thankful I have my kids, in some moments like this, it is indeed what makes a different in holding on one more day and not giving up in it all. I feel very tired, very exhausted.
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
You've got a lot on your plate emotionally. It will take a bit more time for you regain your footing. Perfectly understandable.
You might want to think about IC, if not yet have one. Shop around for one that you can connect with and will push you with compassion instead of pussy footing around you.
Yes, I have SEEN you grow because I do visit your threads. That is something that NO ONE can take away from you. It is yours to own and claim for yourself.
All of this a process. Not a competition to get from point A to point B and down to point Z. Like the Lotus flower, it opens up at its own sweet time.
One final comment is that you might want take up Brene Brown as I've seen DBers swear by it. It might be something worthwhile for you to explore on your own and with IC.
