I'm not doing well. I am an investigator and I put a keylogger on the computer that she sometimes uses. Just before I left I got her facebook password. I saw tonight that they were talking and she was asking him if he wanted to change his mind. I think it was about them getting together. He told her your kids hate me and her response was So..... That just burns me up. I told my 27 year old daughter and she is furious. I think its over. I am seriously thinking about asking for a divorce when I get home next week. It's not what I want but I see the writing on the wall
First off, let me say that your story touched me b/c I just lost my mother quite unexpectedly and I miss her a great deal. What an enormous loss it is.
I recall losing my father some years ago and that too, was a big deal. Thankfully, my h was a pillar of support for me whom I confided in back then....AND I did get very depressed.
I've also noticed that since my mom passed away, I'm talking to other "orphans" a lot more often than my other friends, AND to friends who were close to their deceased parents, since I had a very close relationship with my mother Simply put, they relate to my loss more. Those who still have their parents OR who are not close to theirs, are not as relatable to me at this particular time in my life.
I suspect your wife felt much more emotionally connected to OM and his sister than to you, and part of that might be b/c they relate since they were in the same boat.
But Part of that might also be b/c you did not reach out to support your wife when she was in grief and mourning,
Nor did you ask her what she needed (since you said you assumed she "wanted to be alone") But you did Not ask her what she needed from you, and then you happened to choose to believe she wanted nothing of you other than space, which requires nothing of you....
Can we agree that you could have handled that a lot differently?
Anyhow, IMO it probably felt safe for your w to hang out with the OM and his sister at first, since they were losing a parent AND there were two of them, not just OM and your w)... So It's not a typical "EA" in my opinion.
Moving on...Have you read the Div Busting or Div Remedy book(s)?
You say you are "an investigator" BUT You are not here as an investigator. You are here as a husband who (presumably) wants to save his marriage.
(The law is my profession. Thank God I didn't approach DBing like a lawyer would, or I would not still be married).
The other problem above, imo, is that you involved your daughter. Absolutely NOT a part of Div Busting. And it does NOT help you in the long run (even with your daughter and it harms her r with her mother which is not a good thing and if you cannot see that, I'm very sorry for you)
Also -involving your daughter absolutely makes a divorce more likely.
The more you challenge your w's choices (and or try to shame her), the more she will be forced to defend those choices and herself, which means she will defensively justify them, and NOT take the time to reflect carefully & examine her path (which is part of the goal of backing off and detaching).
Rather, It's you trying to punish your wife, (b/c you were angry "burns me up) and I think it will look very unflattering to you
since your anger is what motivated you. So yeah, it was punitive and vindictive of you, to make sure your d knows of all the "wrongs" your w is committing, against You.
What do you think your goal was in doing that?? It's one thing to not cover for a wayward spouse by lying, which I can totally grasp, but first you spied/snooped and then disclosed to your daughter. You need to read the books and or check THIS website for what the author (MWD) says about this very topic (snooping AND disclosing to third parties). It is Not a part of the DB approach.
And please, please realize that -- the more people you tell - the harder reconciliation becomes. You cannot shame a spouse home, and have a lasting or happy marriage.
No spouse returns to a marriage they left,
UNLESS
they believe that marriage can be better/different than before.
What would make your wife feel that ^^ is true? What was missing that would now be present? What was broken that is now being repaired?
These are tough times to be sure, but to get to the other side, we have to go through this.
There are no short cuts or ways around the pain.
Be honest with yourself, and bravely dig deep.
Last edited by 25yearsmlc; 11/16/1511:23 PM.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Well my wife moved 500 miles away from my 17d and I to live with her mother. She quit a good job making good money and is unemployed. I have not contacted her but she has been texting me. She initiates all interaction. She tries to start arguments with me. I try hard not to get sucked into an argument. I know that she is not happy up there. She hates the cold and really doesn't have a lot of friends up there. I will be sending her a christmas gift. a video of her father that passed away that triggered all of this mess. I want her to know that I still care but I am leaving her alone. I had a woman the other day tell me Don't give up because I was that woman. She had a best friend to pass away and she lost it. Moved out and left her husband. She said the Holy spirit is gonna whisper in her ear, "What are you doing? You have a husband and kids that love you." I hope that happens and I have faith that it will.
It sounds as if she is trying to leave this life behind and go back home to grieve or start a new life. I can remember wanting to desperately get away from everything here, and go far away.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
The woman that I talked to did go back to her husband. My twife was all alone on Christmas. Her mother went to visit her son and my wife told my daughter that she laid on the couch and watched soap operas all day. Cried to my 17d and said it means so much to me that you called me. My wife will text me about things that I don't think should be important to her anymore. She out of the blue asked me if my daughters speeding ticket was ever resolved and was the insurance gonna go up. Why does she care about the insurance, I pay that. I text her on a friday and told her that I turned in vehicle tags to DMV and then on Tuesday she texts and asked if I turned in tags. My pastor told me to give her one or two word answers because she wants to be a part of our life and do not allow it because she wants to control what we are doing. She has only been gone a month. I know its gonna take awhile. She is missing my daughter's senior year and my daughter is holding that against her.
I had another person tell me that she would come back because she would realize she has more with me than without. I know to a lot of people this doesnt mean anything but I believe it is God giving me hope.
For Christmas I made a video for my wife. It was pictures and video of her father with his favorite hymns. She received it today. When I sent the package I put my daughters name on the box and not mine. She put on Facebook that she received the best belated Christmas gift ever. And posted that she loved my daughter. She texted my daughter and told her that the video made her cry and she loved it. My daughter told me dad she has to know that I did not make that video, you did. She then text her again and asked did you make the video or did daddy make it? My daughter told her that I made the video. A few minutes later She asked my daughter was the video from me or my daughter. I told my daughter, tell her the video was daddy's idea (which it was) and it was from both of us. A few hours later my wife texted me saying thanks for the CD. I just wanted to send her something to touch her heart, Make her realize I care and I am not the bad person that she believes that I am.
Yesterday was my wife's fathers one year death anniversary. I texted her in the morning and said, I will be thinking about you, Praying for Peace and strength to get through the day. About an hour or so later I got a text from her that said Thank you. We really don't talk. I miss her so much. We have a separation hearing coming up in a little over a week and she will be returning to town for the hearing. I just wish she would talk to me. We have never even discussed anything about getting back together or trying to work on our marriage.
A few hours later my wife texted me saying thanks for the CD. I just wanted to send her something to touch her heart, Make her realize I care and I am not the bad person that she believes that I am.
Your objective is out of focus. Maybe you need your Pastor to counsel with you again.
The H'sobjective with a WW is not to show her that he stills cares. It is not to prove he's not a bad guy, or that she can trust, or tell her he accepts responsibility for everything. Those things accomplish nothing but to turn her off more.
By sending something you thought would touch her heart (make her emotional), you were showing old pictures of her former life and hoping she would succumb to the emotions. In a way, you were trying to fix her. You can't do it. You have to turn her over to God, get out of His way, and leave her in His hands. He doesn't need you assisting Him. . Whenever I thought God was taking too long and would try to help ......I would just mess up things.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
. Whenever I thought God was taking too long and would try to help ......I would just mess up things.