S4 and S7 sleep in Ws room almost all night. She has not made any effort to discourage this. In fact, with the purchase of a new bed, she is actually facilitating this. It will make the separation even more difficult, but not my circus, not my monkeys. I can't control her parenting.
One offshoot of this co-sleeping behavior is that I go into Ws room every morning to kiss my kids goodbye for the day. This morning as I walked in her cellphone - which she keeps under her pillow (!) - was going off. As I was in the room, she ignored it. It was so bizarre! I should have ignored it too, but certain cell phone sounds and ringtones are HUGE triggers for me. Always have been. I asked her: aren't you going to answer your phone? She checked it, left it on, and quickly put it face down on her sheets. As usual, I felt worse after the incident for all the obvious reasons: it mad me look like to controlling villain-spouse, makes her feel ostracized and like the victim, it reminds me how un-detached I am and show her how un-detached I am, perpetuates her excitement by reminder her of her secret life, and lastly - worst of all, it does not prove anything. I already know they are together. Snooping just makes me look like I can't prove it. This minor "snooping" episode demonstrates how little progress I am making. Why can't I just ignore ignore ignore. It is such an visceral reaction. I just can't seem to control it. I am so sick of my own reactions. In house separation is so CENSORED.
I have my health. I saw my impossible-to-get-an-appointment physician for the first time in about 2 years. I was filling out the paperwork and realized that I currently have no major health issues (thank G-d). My BMI is where it is supposed to be. I don't think my W can say the same. I even told my physician about my M and realized that I am doing all the right things for myself and my children.
I like who I am. I take care of patients for a living. They come to me with fears, out-of-balance, sometimes with serious medical conditions. I help alleviate their fears, restore balance, and treat these conditions. Sometimes I get jaded after seeing the 100th patient with the same symptoms, but each one is an individual with fears, hopes, and a destiny, and I need to remember that. Basically, I get paid to do good deeds for others.
I was listening to a lecture on-line recently. It seems that we are more offended by an insult when it is coming from someone who we perceive is closer to us, richer, more attractive, or more intelligent. The part we forget is that being close to us (e.g. family, spouse), rich, attractive, or intelligent does not make their words true. We can accept their words and behaviors - allowing them to lessen our self-worth, or we can reject what they are saying on the grounds that they may be flat-out wrong or ill. My WW was close to me for 15 years (discounting the last 2.5 years). I have been allowing her words and behaviors to hurt me. In truth, her actions are only a reflection of who she is, and she has to look at herself in the mirror every day and live with that.
Hi Rai, liking who you are and being in good health are two huge positives.
I'm at a similar process to you - D process well underway. I'm concerned to read about your W's level of spending now the D process has started. Are there options to put some agreed financial limits in place? You may want to keep some records of her spending activities in case you need them at some future point. It doesn't seem appropriate that she is continuing her A under the same roof and spending on large items without any reference to you. Are you the sole earner?
Just some food for thought anyway. I don't think you are poor at DBing, but it is always worth the reminder of the need to detach and live your own life. At what point in the D process do you intend separating?
Take care Rai, you are doing well xx
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
I like who I am. I take care of patients for a living. They come to me with fears, out-of-balance, sometimes with serious medical conditions. I help alleviate their fears, restore balance, and treat these conditions. Sometimes I get jaded after seeing the 100th patient with the same symptoms, but each one is an individual with fears, hopes, and a destiny, and I need to remember that. Basically, I get paid to do good deeds for others.
I have my health. I like who I am.
RAI
Hi RAI,
I'm not sure about you but as people who serve and caretake as part of their work, we can sometimes put ourselves last of people that need some love, support and needs to met.
How do you take care of yourselve and who takes care of you?
Hi Sotto. I am the sole earner. As I have mentioned recently, my WW is acting so entitled. I raised the same concern with my L. As my L is the one drafting temporary court orders, I asked her if we can incorporate some spending limits. We will be meeting by phone to discuss this further. I actually capture screenshots of credit card statements and the like. Unfortunately, as I mentioned, she could be accruing debt on her personal cards as well. Also, she is not sharing receipts with me.
re: detaching. Moments ago a friend invited me to his house for wings. Should be fun. Unfortunately, these are few and far between. Still working on it. I think I am finally catching up on my workload, so perhaps I can expand the GAL again soon.
re: separation. Not soon enough for me. I would love to no longer have to see my STBXW. It is very hard and I have noticed many new grey hairs recently (amongst the ones that haven't already fallen out, anyway). I was reading Caliguy's thread (I think it was his) and he described how WW puts LBH in Hzone, FriendZone, or AholeZone. Unfortunately, I think I am in the latter. Not entirely undeserved, but not entirely deserved either. We have minimal contact, but the few interactions that we do have are curt and brief, with no warmth in the tone at all (hers or mine). This is so NOT the real me. Anyhow, by my staying in the house, we must have convinced the magistrate that we are both equally parenting, because the temporary orders will be giving us joint custody. So, as painful as it has been and continues to be, it is status quo for now and the foreseeable future. I stopped by your thread, and it seems like you are very close to the final settlement. I may actually be 18 months away. When I reflect on this, I want to cry or run away. I am in Dr. Seuss's "waiting place", from Oh, The Places you'll go.
I was going to post later because I have to run to S11 and S13s basketball game, but how can I ignore a wink and a nudge from you?? Right back atcha!
My self-care: I was running, but have lapsed for the last few months due to the weather. I am going to bed earlier. I am trying to be more meticulous about self care. I floss, for heavens sake! I am still thinking about taking yoga, but I don't know what class to start and many of them are during the day. I saw my doctor yesterday, and aside from some running-related aches and pains, I am in the best shape of my life. I have not seen my IC for a while, but time has not allowed. I have not derived a ton of benefit from it anyways. Coming to this board has been very therapeutic as well. Lastly, My family is also taking care great of me - from a distance, anyway. I speak to my Sis almost daily. She is wise, shrewd, objective when she needs to be, and has my back. My mother and another sister are also there when I have needed them. There are some religious leaders in my community, who are familiar with my sitch. They are limited in what they can do, but they are supportive and periodically inquire into my well-being. They have also counselled me behind the scenes. I try not to bother friends too much because I don't want to be a Debbie Downer, and also for more selfish reasons: I may need their help more after the D or S.
Now it is off to Ss Basketball game, where I will have to see sleazy OM. I hate seeing that guy. He is everywhere. On the bright side, he always sits alone and toys with his cell phone. He looks like he has no friends. What a huge loser. I think W is his only friend. Talk about affairing down.
. Too gorgeous! Thank you! Much Love JellyB xxx
Right back atcha!