So if she has agreed to both, why is it a big deal to ask to see her phone? I think it's better to be blunt about it then to try to dance around.
If she's working on the MR, then SHE should be helping to set YOUR fears away, right?
The big deal is that I haven't called her on it yet. I was totally "faking it until I made it" when I asked for transparency and she only agreed to it grudgingly....
F it, it's time for me to man up. I NEED to know.
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
So if she has agreed to both, why is it a big deal to ask to see her phone? I think it's better to be blunt about it then to try to dance around.
If she's working on the MR, then SHE should be helping to set YOUR fears away, right?
The big deal is that I haven't called her on it yet. I was totally "faking it until I made it" when I asked for transparency and she only agreed to it grudgingly....
F it, it's time for me to man up. I NEED to know.
Its not about calling her on it.
It's about agreeing to the same terms. Its about setting that boundary to protect yourself! Why put your energy towards your MR if she isnt "in"?
Yes to both. But I'm not convinced she's sticking to the plan. I'm torn because I really want to grab her phone and look for evidence (with her knowing) and get everything out in the open. At the same time, I'm worried they'll just find another way to keep at it. Then again, if I'm right it's not exactly like that would be a change....
Transparency doesn't keep her from finding another way to make contact with the OM. She can go to any computer, buy a secret cell phone, etc. The point of transparency is to assure you by allowing you to see her messages, and to help her by giving accountability. When we have someone watching us, we tend to do what she should. Transparency shines the light on her activity. However, it isn't foolproof. I encourage transparency, b/c I know it helped me when I was going through the withdrawals. I maintain that if a woman doesn't have something to hide, why would she fight her H from seeing that she is staying faithful?
Again, transparency agreement is no guarantee that the A has ended or that it will prevent her from finding a way to contact AP.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I always get pi$$ed off when I hear about a transparency plan. Because 1- I don't have one, and 2- we are worth so much more than this.
Sorry, not helpful. I guess despite my great mood and dropping the rope lately I still have some anger.
Don't snoop. Don't check on her car. Don't trust her until she is an open book and she is actively participating in dealing with the consequences of HER actions.
I'm wondering if some of this...stuff... in how we treat the other person, our spouse ...is like shifting to seeing them as only a friend/room mate. That would imply different ways of relating to each other, detached from what a "transparent", open marriage relationship is. IOW, you wouldn't snoop on a roommate (well, hopefully not! you wouldn't feel "entitled" to snoop anyway), you wouldn't chase after them, always try to please them, etc. The tricky part is figuring out what you HAVE to work on together if you're still in the same house. Such as things with kids, or finances, etc. But *feelings* are almost removed from the equation.
Am I getting closer here? Just business, as I do w/my first husband?
Me: 42, H: 38 Married: 12 years (second M for me) 14D, 9D 2015 EA (PA??), porn addict, *pastor/counselor* MLC
At a counselor, he said he wanted the marriage but not to work on himself w/a IC. Piecing?
Detachment is simply a matter of breaking away from focusing on or obsessing over your own expectations and unmet needs, and their hurtful behavior. It is a matter of acting out of your own strength and will, and being who you want to be as an individual, instead of reacting to what your WAS/WS does or doesn't do.
It isn't easy. Again: It. Is. Not. Easy.
But it's necessary for your own peace and strength and growth.
There are times in the past I did this very well and other times not so much. It's a matter of degree and we can all get far enough down that road that it helps us live well. It doesn't mean you don't care, act coldly, etc. It just means your day and your life no longer revolves around the WAS/WS.
And, Kyrie, it is also a tool to help us during the time when our spouse has one foot out the door. This is not the same advice you'd get if you and your spouse were hitting a rough patch and were both on board with reconciling, it is a way of coping with uncertainty and trying to preserve your own emotional health and giving your marriage the best chance of pulling through this.
I am starting to think Kyrie that part of your "not getting" certain concepts is that you are thinking of this as marriage advice, DB'ing is for more for people who are in crisis, who have one partner who is in the process or at least seriously thinking about leaving, or even who has already left.
Sci, Take a look at my recent post. Snooping is not for the feint of heart. Everyone here that is unsure of their spouses activities or mindset wants to know the truth, until they actually have it. If you go down that road, be ready to hear all of the disturbing facts that may be found. I'll say this, it is easier (and more expensive) to investigate someone than I ever thought. I hope the best for you and your M. Be well.
Me-40's W- 40's Married 22, Together 29 BD#1- 6/15 W needs space BD#2- OM confirmed PA 1/8/16 Still both home, but not for long
Thank you all for commenting. I wish I could respond faster, but I needed to keep this board off my phone last night. My plan was to ask to look at her phone while I gave her mine to look at. I don't like keeping secrets, and for that reason I have nothing to hide. Let her ask about my texts to coworkers (not intentional, but all are female). Let her see the apps I use, games I play.
Free, I have already snooped and found damning evidence. I never used it directly and don't think I will, but I could very easily ruin both of their lives. But I won't, because I don't want to waste my energy on something that will only give me short-term satisfaction. Yeah, I could get the OM fired, but my wife might be collateral damage. How would it help things if my wife becomes unemployed? Would that help my kids any? I know the answer to that.
So back to my transparency plan. My rationale for looking at her phone is simple. If I find something on her phone, I won't feel compelled to play PI and track her movements. I will KNOW something is up. And she will know I know. It would then be up to her to decide what the next move is. Go deeper into hiding interactions with the OM? Cut all ties? Try to alleviate my fears? All up to her, and not really my concern. It's selfish, but I need closure. Otherwise I can see myself setting up a sting (probably with my kids in the car, not realizing what I'm doing) to confront them. Not at all an image I want to leave my kids with. They need to love their mother, even if she has made horrible decisions. I, on the other hand, do not.
Flip side - what if I find nothing? Possibility 1 - I find nothing because there is nothing to find. She has been distant because she pulled away from the OM and is in mourning. Don't really think this is the case, but my analytical mind likes to consider every scenario. If she claims this is the case, I will push the issue and talk absolute no contact. No facebook, phone numbers, apps, etc. And I will continue to randomly monitor with her permission. Yes this is invasive and may feel degrading to my wife. But her actions with the OM have the same effect on me. And I know we can't ever recover until I start trusting her.
Other possibility (most likely in my mind) - she stopped all affair activity with the OM, but is trying to remain friends with him. This is the hardest for me to deal with directly. In this case, all I can say is that even if she wants to work on our relationship we will be thwarted at every turn by her interactions with the OM. And for that reason, I will need to cool my reconciliation activities. But rather than completely distancing myself from her I'd need to play it a little different and get her less dependent on the friendship of the OM. To some degree, I can fill that void. But realistically, she needs and deserves more. More friends, more emotional outlets, less isolation.
My action plan - get my wife to GAL. She needs to realize that she doesn't NEED ANYONE to feel happy. SHE has control of her destiny, should she choose it. Neither the OM or me will keep her fulfilled forever if she doesn't identify what she wants/needs and then start getting her needs met. She needs more female friends in the area. We both do. So I'm starting things off by being an example and trying to find friends on my own. Trying new churches. Trying Meetup. Figuring out what is a safe way to meet people. It shouldn't be this hard, but I struggle to make REAL friends. I am friendly and have lots of acquaintances, but I realized during the BD that I only have very few REAL friends. My wife is worse than me and must feel absolutely isolated. I don't want her feeling that way.
Anyone have thoughts on this? Looking for a discussion or criticism or affirmation. Really anything at this point because this is really an attempt to apply DB techniques in a different way and I'd like to know what has worked, why things might not work, etc before I start down this path.
Me-38 W-38; T-15 M-12; S10 and S6 BD - July 2016; EA confirmed; confronted Aug 2015 EA dissolved 12/2016
Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option - Maya Angelou
