Moving Forward

[ILYNOT]

Emmes is everything ok with you? I just caught up with your situation, I am very saddened to hear of the news. This is now the time to for you to even become stronger than you have been, what our Ws have done to us isnt fair but we cannot control them, we control ourselves and chose whats best for us during any given moment /situation, hope u have talked to an attorney and getting the ppwk done, keep the pma the worst already took place, now you really need to detach and be grateful for your children. God bless you brother, keep posting please, you are helping others by doing so.

[mutatio]

EM, please let us know how your doing, thanks

[EMMess]

Hello family,

Happy New Year!

Its been an interesting couple of months with my first holidays in my situation. We made the best of it, still had her over for Thanksgiving, she hosted Christmas at our old house, and even threw a party for my birthday and invited everyone over. It hasn't been easy, I enjoy having her around but sad that we are still dealing with our situation. I have been going out a lot more, but still find myself being available to her when she calls.

At the end of my birthday, I found that she has purchased a book for OM and has dedicated it to him. This completely threw me back to square 1 in a way, I thought I had come so long and have been doing so well. I guess square isn't accurate, because instead of bringing it up and probably fighting about it, I just swallowed an STFU smoothie, said by to the kids after a few minutes and went home. I have been feeling very introspective and retrospective these past couple of days.

I am at my crossroads, I am staring at the choice to become unavailable, to stop communicating as often as we have, and to continue to do some of the things I do for her. I have always used the reason that I don't know where to separate her from the kids, but I feel that I am not going to get pass this if we continue to be the way we are, meaning that we won't change this situation. She continues to want to play friends, getting christmas gifts, birthday gifts, throwing me parties, and as much as I appreciate the gestures, I think these are just giving me false hope and keeping me in a state of attachment. I have been afraid to do the distancing because I am afraid of losing my chance in getting my family back, but I'm beginning to see, that until she has realized the loss that comes from her decision, things will continue as is. Why would she want things to stop, if she is getting her family when she wants it and still be able to go on dates, hang with friends, the rest of the times. I find myself being solely responsible for finding a daycare for the baby, and she is just coasting, I really have to stop these things.

I am giving myself a few days, and will return the gesture on her coming birthday this month, after that I would like to sit with her and let her know that things will be changing. I want to give myself some days to get pass the hurt and come from a place of strength.

I have been taking a hiatus from writing here, to just kind of focus on my outside life. I hope everyone is doing great. God Bless.

[mutatio]

EM, I missed you brother. I am sorry it has not gotten better between you and your wife. Can you please post maybe once a week?
It could only be about you. I miss you my friend. You've made some friends here. We don't want to cause you pain thru posting, So how about small posts about whatever leaves you comfortable.

If not, be well and know you are loved, Peace

[EMMess]

Thank you Mu! Its been a while.

I have been really perplexed. I am filled with fear. I don't know if my actions are the right ones. I don't know if I am giving too much. The way things are I feel it is only benefiting her. I'll explain. I am available when she calls or reaches out, if the school isn't payed because she hasn't paid it, I come out of pocket on top of what I already give her, this is putting me into debt at times, but I justify it as "Oh, its for the kids, they can't be kicked out". I invite her to all of our family holidays, if she need to swap days with the kids, I accommodate more of the time, She threw the bday party for me, had my family and friends over, then we all went home, she stayed with her kids, because it was her day and we agreed. She has the home, she has her "freedom", parties, can act single, while still knowing I am there for her and the kids. I may be viewing this wrong, and if I am please help me get a clearer picture. I am stuck. I can't keep feeling vulnerable, when I came across her gift to OM, it put me down for 2 days, I can't be this susceptible to her actions. I have picked myself up a bit, and I am staying strong, but I'm full of fear of making the decision to drop the rope because I might be missing my chance, and my fear of remaining in the same situation.

I am working on my PMA everyday, reading the scriptures at night. Working on having faith, letting go, forgiving, and surrendering but wow, it is really difficult. We hardly talk as much, and I miss that, I have glorified her, and put her in a pedestal...does she belong there? I don't think so, but for some reason, that's where I have her.

God Bless everyone.

[Sotto]

So, where are the natural consequences for your W in all of this?

I think the 'putting on a pedestal' is a common theme in R's, but it helps to come to a more realistic view of what the M has been I think.

Keep posting and take care

[EMMess]

Thanks Sotto, That's my issue. I don't know what those consequences are and where they are. The theme like man LBH is the same for me. Fear, fear of rocking the boat, she seems to be happy, our relationship is good, but definitely not what I want. I would love to R, create a new M, and work on building our family again. I just don't see it changing if I continue the course I am in, she has no reason to ever look around as she is getting the best of both worlds.

[Sotto]

I would agree with you. I think the problem is - you are acting like a man who would love to R, created a new M and work on building your family again. However, that's a two person contract and it isn't in place just now. Given that, perhaps you need to think about doing a 180 - acting like a man who accepts there won't be a R, who accepts there may be a future M with someone else, and who merely coparents? What do you have to lose? What you had has already been lost.

I agree that your soft approach is possibly maintaining the status quo....maybe it's time to make some serious GAL plans just for you?? Who knows, she may even become curious about what you're up to. Hey, EMMess just became a whole load more interesting and mysterious....

[mutatio]

EM, I like Sotto's advice, she makes a good point, become mysterious

[EMMess]

Good morning family,

Mu and Sotto, thank you so much.

I am really now working on doing my 180 and acting as a man who doesn't want R, open to creating a new M with someone else, and someone who just merely coparents. I have my moments in which I truly miss my W, and I begin feeling and acting as if I am a victim in all of this. I am trying to get out of this mindset.

Friday night my W calls me crying over the phone, stating how she has been trying her best with the kids, but our eldest is acting up, and saying mean things to her, and that he seems angry. I told her I understood and I agree that he is lashing out, that we need to get a therapist involve so that he has an outlet he feels secured with to open up to, if he doesn't want to open up to us. She also called to find out when I was picking the boys up the next day, as she is overwhelmed. I told her the time and told her to try and relax, and be compassionate with our eldest.

As soon as I hung up, 5 minutes later I receive a text blaming me for doing this to our family, for putting myself before our children, how she will never love me again or forgive me for this ever. All of the mistakes and things I am sorry for at the beginning of our relationship, she began throwing in my face. I became numb to it all, I didn't know how to respond, and so I didn't. I completely ignored it (don't know if it was the right thing to do), just felt saying nothing was the best approach. It seems she wants me to forever live in my past, during our marriage I have tried to correct and do right by her and the kids but I am under no illusion that I have done a lot of damage in the early years of our marriage. I love my W and I would love to have our family together, but I am not sure if things will get better.

I am doing PMA, I am praying for our family and for her. I want her to be happy and at peace, but I also want to be at peace and happy.

God Bless.