WW, My Addiction, Patience, and HOPE

[trumpet]

3rd thread

2nd Here:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2632711&page=1

New thread, with some crazy news.

The family event to the hockey game came and went, and WW was in the mood to talk on Sunday. She had mentioned on Saturday night that something was changing her thought process.

The conversation wasn't elegant, and the clouds didn't part with sunshine flowing down. I didn't have the exact words to say what I wanted, but I have learned to validate. I have learned to listen better, and I have learned to pull what my WW is expressing out of her - she still struggles to talk about her feelings.

What I got was this: she's really scared. And that filing the D was the most scared she's been in her life. That she thinks it's a mistake, but that everyone was/is telling her to move on and dump me. After about 20 minutes of talking, eating lunch next to each other, my wife had to go to a meeting with a neighbor about Advocare - taking a 24 day cleanse, working out 5x a week, and losing a lot of weight right now. Side note - she's stuggled with self-image for our entire marriage, so this change in her is profound.

I head upstairs with her to find a tape measure - she's getting some measurements for the meeting. Something happened while we talked - she kept on looking at me, not with angry eyes, but eyes that said 'help me'.

I then grabbed her, and gave her a passionate kiss... the first kiss I've given her in 4 months or so.
We made out for 10 minutes, in the bathroom, with the door closed - no kids, no dog, just us.

She cried. I cried. And she told me she wants me - that she's choosing us. That she needs to see what has changed for us - that I've changed, and wants to see where things go. That she's calling the laywer on Monday and calling off the D.

WW's are a crazy bunch. Am I to believe her? That was the issue for me.
We talked once the kids were in bed, but talking at night is always bad - she was exhausted. I continued to validate, but she was open to a few suggestions - get some counseling on her own, get her thyroid levels checked (she says she's overdue for bloodwork). Her mind was on the people that she listened to, that told her to move on. They'd ask why she has her ring back on, why she's talking with me now. I told her that they really don't matter - that WE matter. She'll have to have the difficult discussion with OM. She wants to give me access to her phone.

I told her we're taking it slow. We're going to make a second marriage, and that we're going to be different - we've both changed. She has my committment. She says she 'wants to give it a shot', but the difference is that she is committed as well. There will be some tears, some difficult conversations, and that the hurt we have doesn't go away in days, or weeks. But that it will fade, as long as we forgive each other. Daily forgiveness.

She said that she choose ME.

I feel like I won the lottery. Scratch that, this is better.

[Chris82]

trumpet, I'm so happy for you man. I'd say call it a small victory. At least you know you've broken through. Take it slow, protect your neck and see where it goes. You've been such a great source of advice and whatnot for me here the last week or so, I'm proud to see some meaningful progress in your life and marriage. I wish the best for you two!

[NateG79]

Yay for hope buddy. I'm happy for you as well. I wish I had your outlook at this time. I feel mine has taken a turn for the worse. I put the boundaries there, and it's for my protection, but I just feel cold. Not really any contact except to talk about my kid. I find I care less about what she's doing, or what she wants, which is healthier, but still painful.

[trumpet]

Chris - thanks for the encouragement.

The endorphine rush is pretty nice, but there is apprehension in everything now - that will be a part of me for a long time.

I still consider her a WW. The OM is very good with words, and her heart is still pulling in two directions.

JGUY linked to the lighthouse story in the last post in the second thread. I think she saw the lighthouse in the last couple weeks, but refused to acknowledge it was there. She's realizing the light is stronger than before, she's got to learn to trust it.

I have to keep focused on keeping the light bright. That means continue to divorce bust. And continue my journey.

My achilles has stopped hurting when I get up the morning. Time to work on getting back into the running. I have a 5k in March that I want to run!

[Cadet]

Here is my very quick suggestion.

Do not do this on your own.

You need counseling and a lot of support,
the biggest mistake you can make is taking her back to easily without any boundaries set in place.

There can be NO CONTACT with the OM.
As long as he is in the picture she just gave you a
bunch of words that you can not believe, to reel you
back in and insure that that she still has back up plans.

The axiom believe none of what they say and half of what they do still applies.
Actions not words.

[Mowgli]

Awesome, Dude!

This was exactly what I wanted to see this morning!

[trumpet]

Cadet,

I hear you.

I told her what needed to happen last night - NC, access to her phone, counseling for her, and then counseling for us.

She still insinuates that the problem was between US, and not the OM. So, she still has lots of self-discovery on her part.

I sense a lot of shame, insecurity, and inadequacy.

Like my addiction, her shame needs to turn into regret. Shame meant that I was broken, and that something was always wrong with me. Regret means my actions were wrong, but I'm still a person, who isn't broken forever. Regret can be dealt with, and we both said 'I'm sorry' to each other, with integrity and sincerity.

Mowgli,

Thought about you this weekend - how you were able to turn things around. How your wife felt a bit ashamed of how deep she went down the rabbit hole, and how the OM wasn't anything worth pursuing.

I've detached enough to be able to take this MUCH slower than what I wanted to first. There are now things that I WANT to do, by myself. I still have my bed in the basement, which is where I want to be right now. I'm still going to counseling.

What a ride. I'll update things in a day or two and let you all in on what my WW does/says.

[Mowgli]

She still insinuates that the problem was between US, and not the OM. So, she still has lots of self-discovery on her part.

She's right to an extent... If there wasn't problems in the R, or if she didn't feel there were problems in the R, then she wouldn't have felt justified in her choice to have an A in the first place, right?

OM is a symptom of the problem, not THE problem. That being said, that symptom can longer be a part of this process if the M is to get healthy.

my W struggled with that right away, too. She asked for a little bit of time because she wanted to find the words to tell him. I know some would give that time, but I chose to stand my ground on it. This has come up a few times since, where W has felt pressured when A questions have come up. "I've done everything on your timeline" is what she says. Fair enough; I asked for it to end right then and there and she did, our C doesn't want us discussing the A outside of sessions anyways.

just be aware of the boundaries you are setting and stick to them. This will be part of that foundation you're building for a new R.

I agree with Cadet, BTW

G

[G8r]

That's great news to hear Trumpet. It gives me some hope for my sitch. Also good to hear you say you plan to take it slow. Excellent idea.

[trumpet]

My high from the weekend is wearing off every hour I'm at work.

Is there a little trust there for WW? Yes.
Trust, but verify? Yes Yes.

I think she's scared that I'm going to walk away from it all now. And she HAS to have that fear. I put it there. I have to think and act as if I'm ready to be done.

I told her last nice I'm choosing her, and choosing to keep the relationship going. She has to make that choice every day. Mowgli, I remember you saying the same thing when you reconciled.

I sent her an email this morning saying that I was happy she made a choice to stay and build something new with me. That's the first email I've sent her in a week, and probably one of 3 in the last 2 weeks. She said she's scared, but wants to see where we can take the marriage now.

I'll continue to give her space, but insist on NC, and access to her phone.

She called for counseling over the weekend.

Well, a new rabbit hole just opened up - let's see what's down this one...