Help..I am drowning

[sandi2]

Hi Rich, welcome to our community. I am so sorry for you and your W. Is your mother still living?

I can connect with your W on two levels. I know what it's like to be a caregiver, and I think I have a good idea of how she feels right now in this MR.

What are the ages of you and W?

Life can certainly take its toll on a M, and any extra stress is added to that toll. And, let me just add this about the caregiving she has done for your mother. (And it's not to cause you guilt, that I am saying it.) No matter how much she loved your mother, it is your mother. When you checked out, I'd guess that was the icing on the cake for her. "Why should I sacrifice my life, when it's his mother. He should be the one taking care of her, not me. I am missing out on my own child's life.....yada, yada". See what I mean?

You can't undo it, but I'm just trying to help you see how she could have felt about it. Did she have any emotional support? I think you said there was no others that helped?

Did your W keep your mother at your home at the MIL's home? That can make a huge difference for a woman, if she's in her own home or her MIL's home.

[rich4j]

But mostly look at pics of my daughter and break into tears.....i can't believe she is doing this. She went pre menopause a year ago and things have been different. Read up on it way too late. It isn't the cause of this but has definitely gotten her to make a decision to leave

[Cadet]

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

[rich4j]

Forgot the age stuff
W-53; M-49

No...my mom passed. She did say the same things you did and it was the unraveling of our relationship. I handled it poorly and can't bandage the wounds from the past which have left deep scars.

She doesn't think I really know who she is but I do. I just went to a dark place for a while and didn't provide her with the support she needed.

[sandi2]

Has she actually mentioned divorce, or just kind of talk around it?

Not talking about it or trying to work with her on getting back to counseling will without doubt lead to the divorce as she wants us to get lawyers.

Have you tried to talk to her and she refuses? Or, are you saying this based on the "don't talk about the R"?

[rich4j]

She definitely said she wants a divorce .....4 months ago she wasn't sure about things.

Now wants to move on. I unfortunately have smothered her in the past 2 months She wants us to go see lawyers to see how we can get this done. No affairs as we had a very deep discussion on this.

I am sure from the stories here it is alot of the same theme but I am hopeless right now. I read the stories here and try to find some that are similar , which there are, but my wife is a very set in her way person and feels I am just wrong for her.

I am struggling after reading and reading on this site to see how this approach won't push her further away but i am willing to try anything.

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[rich4j]

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Me: 49H
W: 53W
Daughter:6

8/2015- Not happy/don't know why but not feeling the same
1/7/2016- We should get a divorce

[Azzork]

How is continuing to do what you have done going to bring her closer?

Nothing will bring her closer except if she wants to come closer! Chasing after her will only make her run faster.

Stop trying to control her and focus on you. That's all you can do.

[rich4j]

It's hard

Just had the bubble really burst last week but your comment makes sense. It's just counter intuitive to the common sense part of the brain

Not sleeping for 2 months and not being able to eat doesn't help either.

We are still under the same roof and will be for a few months which makes things even harder. I see a lawyer this week

She actually put a spreadsheet on my desk so I can fill out our financial picture as she is seeing a lawyer

For the board: I have read stories that have not ended that well that is this far down the path. Hoping some of you have some success stories

I keep my anger inside as what she is doing is so selfish as our daughter will suffer. She said "I need to do what makes me happy".

So its ok for our daughter, me , the dogs....to fade into the sunset? Just venting.

[rich4j]

So was really hard this AM as she had to take a train for some stuff that is semi related to work and was like " do you have time to drive me or I can walk?" its a cold 15 minute walk and I wasnt really sure what to say

Naturally since we are under the same roof I took her but how do you not? Sorry..I have a conference call and can't ...walk in the cold

Under the same roof is tough with these type of situations so I just drove her, didn't say a word, and dropped her off. Ugh