Back to square one, not sure I can do this again!

[- MB -]

Ancaire, your BD was 8 '15 which means that you've only been doing this for about 2 months longer than me. You seem WAY ahead of me in the process. I do feel like I was somewhat better before he decided to take me back for 12 days only to jerk the rug out from under me again. I am struggling to get my feet back under me so I will be at least as far along as I was before those 12 days, but I just can't seem to get it. I found out this morning that he is talking to OW again. I knew it would happen, I just knew it.....but, I was hoping that for once I would be WRONG! He started talking to her and then dumped me. Then after a period of no contact, he saw me and immediately dumped her. Now, he has again dumped me and a week later is talking to her. WTF?!?! How am I supposed to make any sense of that? I know that I am trying to make sense out of nonsense, but I just don't understand how someone can have their head that far up their ass that they don't even care if they hurt the person that they said they loved.

I honestly just feel like I'm sinking down farther and farther into this black pit that I will never get out of. The first time I was so hurt and numb and felt desperate to get him back. Since he's done this to me a second time, I still feel those feelings, but I also feel such anger, depression and betrayal. I mean, I was willing to work through everything after he did it to me the first time. He said he was sure that he wanted to be with me forever and that he was sorry. Even admitted he knows how wrong it was and apologized profusely. Then, it was like he just simply said OOPS, JUST KIDDING. I don't want you after all.

I'm sorry. I know I sound like a depressing broken record. This is not me. I hate being this way and I really do try to break this cycle but I feel I'm getting worse not better. It just seems my mind is locked in this vicious circle and I can't seem to break it. I have an IC session in 45 min. I really hope he can help me. I just can't live this way.

[- MB -]

MissCat, I am so very sorry that you are going through this. I really am! It's sad that you have to be here, but you have definitely found a great site to get support and advice from others who are going through the same things that you are. Thank you for the advice. I have been having a really hard time the past 6 days, I'm hoping that I can snap out of it soon. I was beginning to GAL before H decided to mess with my head some more. Haven't done much GALing since then, but I will get back to it for sure. There are 2 obstacles there though. #1 is that I keep getting called off work so I have VERY little money these days. Not much fun to GAL when I can't afford to go anywhere. And #2 is that all of my friends are middle aged married people. They are all busy with their spouses and kiddos and don't really have time to help keep my mind off of things on a daily basis. They are just way too busy with work, spouses and kids/grandkids. Not much fun to GAL by yourself with no $. I will put that on my bucket list, lol. I want to earn enough $ so I can effectively GAL.

I hope you stay strong through your journey. Always remember we are here to lean on if you need us though.

[Ancaire]

MB, I'm reposting this for you. This is why I'm ahead of you a bit. Remember, my H attempted to R for about 2 weeks as well. He knew it was the "right thing" to do, but it's not what he wanted in his heart. I just looked at your H's age, and my heart sank for you. I'm pretty sure, based on his behaviour and age, you're dealing with the same thing. The only way you're going to get through this is to start implementing what I suggested below. I was a puddle on the floor, at first. I couldn't move or function. He might as well have shot me!

And remember, I had a total meltdown yesterday. This all takes time and practice. The best thing you can do is to start directing your mind on what you're going to let it think about. It's hard, MB. At first, you'll think of something for one second...then back to H. You'll get better and better the more you work on it.

MB...It took months for me to be excited about it, but I know exactly what happened. I stopped thinking about H. I'll catch myself going there, and if it's important, I'll finish the thought. If it's the old "I love him, I miss him, how could he do this to me, etc" I force myself to think of something else.

At first, it's really, really hard. But I am literally retraining my brain into a new line of thinking. It wants to think of H. I won't let it. I consciously redirect. It gets easier and easier, and as a result, my attitude gets far more hopeful.

There is nothing wrong with you. You're reacting to the training you've given your mind. You think about H all the time, so where does your mind automatically want to go? Down the path that's easiest. You really have to focus on training it to go down a different path. Some thoughts that may help:

1. Watch TED talks on youtube. You'll learn a lot of really great stuff. It's motivation and educational.
2. Make a bucket list of things you want to accomplish in life before it ends. You'll start daydreaming about that list, the more you think of it.
3. Write out goals for what you want to do, and how to get there. This is a great example: "I want to think about H less, and me more." How do I do that? "I will force myself to think about my favorite teacher growing up whenever I notice I've started thinking about H." How will I know it's working? "I will know it's working when I've gone an entire hour without thoughts of H intruding into my head."

I could probably come up with more, if you need, but it's best to start very simply. Start doing things that lift you up. Motivation/educational programs are simply the best thing for that. Reprogram your brain, it actually works! It's just not easy at first. Define some immediate goals to get you from thinking about and missing H every minute of the day.

I hope that helps a bit? Those of us here all share one quality. We have backbones of steel. This is not easy, and to choose to do it, to put ourselves through this kind of flexibility in order to save our M's? I think we're all rockstars, in our own way.

[- MB -]

Went to IC today and, as usual, felt worse when I left than when I got there. I am an intelligent person that happens to be a great problem solver. I think that's why I can't get this off my mind...I want to FIX it. Solve the problem and move on. That's what I do. I can't make sense out of nonsense though. That's why I go to an IC, so he can help me make sense of this ridiculousness. Unfortunately, today he listened to me talk about what had happened since last week when H and I were there TOGETHER and H was claiming that he wanted to reconcile, when I was done he basically told me that it was time to stop trying to save the marriage and save myself instead. Told me that without intensive work on H part(which he shows no interest in doing), he would never be good husband material. Every single person that knows me and H, tells me to stop trying and move on. There isn't one single person (that is not on this list) that thinks I should be saving my marriage. Talk about depressing! It's hard to fight with no one in your corner.

[Ancaire]

I actually understand what your IC said. Are you leaving anything out? Because if not, he didn't tell you to give up on your Marriage. He told you to save yourself. Your marriage cannot be your focus right now. We tell you the same thing.

The single best chance you have at R, is to focus on YOU, not H. Your IC may have phrased it poorly, but the thought is correct. If H is not in there with you trying, then he's not helping. The only person you can control is you. You're sinking because you're so sad about all this. Your IC is trying to move you in a more constructive direction.

If you decide to stand for your M (meaning let H go for now, and come back when he's sane again) not many people will understand that. Most everyone is going to tell you to move on, find someone new. That's why you should probably not talk about what you're trying to accomplish with H outside of this board and IC.

But right now? What are you really in control of? What are you supposed to be worrying about? Where should your focus be?

YOU. It is your road to sanity.

[- MB -]

He was telling me to completely detach and move on. Said he wouldn't make a good H for ANYONE and didn't seem interested in working on himself now (and probably not ever). He was telling me that H would never be able to love me in a mature relationship and would never appreciate what I have to offer or even be able to see me as a good person because he has already convinced himself otherwise (even before all of this started) and will be unwilling and unable to change his view of me without help that he won't ask for. He gave our relationship about a zero percent chance of working unless I am interested in knowingly and willingly be married to someone that can never truly appreciate me or return my love in an adult and mature way. He said he's just too damaged from his childhood and his outlook on people in general. Sounds kinda bleak.

[Ancaire]

Okay. He did tell you to give up. Wow. I know where he's coming from, but that was kind of harsh. I'm posting some MLC links for you. Read through these, and see if it sounds familiar. The first two are serious. The third is just funny. It helps to chuckle over it every once in a while.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2177869#Post2177869

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1350825#Post1350825

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=588545

[Imlucky]

If someone on is depressed unless they do something about it and go get treatment all our best efforts to help and encourage will be seen as nagging or forcing the issue

I'm back to no contact and with my W I don't know if she is depressed she falls me she thinks she is but hasn't or won't get help i get blame for everything wrong in her life and the cause of all her anger

Is depression the same as MLC?

MB can I ask after you made contact after 5 weeks and this happened have you felt like it's all started over again?

We had contact after 3 weeks and she tells me it upsets her and that I need to leave her be so I am doing that I feel there will come a point when I have grown learnt and got counselling that I won't be there and willing to go back

[Imlucky]

Ancaire

That third link is funny with an element of truth mixed in

I will read those links tonight after work!

[- MB -]

Is depression the same as MLC?

MB can I ask after you made contact after 5 weeks and this happened have you felt like it's all started over again?

We had contact after 3 weeks and she tells me it upsets her and that I need to leave her be so I am doing that

I'm lucky, I am so sorry that you're having a hard time. Believe me, I KNOW how hard it it and how much it [censored]. BELIEVE ME, I KNOW!

Depression is not the same as MLC. You can have depression without having MLC. BUT, the people that are in a MLC are depressed.

At the very beginning of this journey, I went for 2 weeks without seeing H. When I made contact, he was glad to see me and we talked (not relationship stuff) for a while. He got tearful and we hugged. But, that was it. He answered my calls a couple more times, then he was over it and back to not wanting contact. It took me a while to get that through my head, but when I did, I went dark and had no contact at all with him for 5 weeks. When I finally reached out to him again, he was SO FREAKING GLAD TO SEE ME that he couldn't stop staring at me. He immediately wanted me back and thought he had lost me forever. He called OW the very next day and broke contact with her. His happiness to see me was SO intense and awesome. We were back together for 12 days, then he got anxious and confused again and pushed me away. At that point I was devastated and yes, that's what my tag line is about. I feel like I just started over right from the beginning. I reached out to him yesterday and got him an appointment with a doctor that he wouldn't have been able to do himself (I work at a hospital and know the doctors so I pulled strings to get it done). He agreed to go see the doctor which is a huge step for him because he hates doctors. I really and truly hope he goes to see him and listens to his advice! I would not have changed the fact that we had 12 days together....even if it left me heartbroken and devastated. I got to talk to him during that time and he got to hear things from me that he wouldn't have been open to listen to before. He is 100% in the middle of a MLC and I so pray that he will find his way soon.

It is hard to leave them alone, but you can't change what they are going to think or do anyway. Staying in contact only seems to make them more mad at YOU and that isn't helpful to trying to get them back. I really didn't think the no contact thing would work. I was skeptical. But, it DID work and I am so glad I did it. I only hope it works a second time for me. Today is my first day of no contact/going dark and I miss him already. I will try to be as strong as I can be. That's all I can do.

Good luck and stay strong. If you make a mistake, just remember that we all do....then, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get right back at it. Read up on the 180 and give it a shot. It really does work!!