I am also finding it to be a fine line between detaching and going dark/ cold. Or is it just me not quite understanding the difference? I re read the rules and detachment forums everyday to understand more and remember it. I'm just wondering if it is a fine of line as I am currently thinking
This is just my opinion about going dark. I don't think it can be done, successfully, if you are still living together and have children. Going dark (the resort after the last resort, as described by MWD), means they never see you, never hear from you, and it's as if you fell off planet earth. How can you do that when living together? You can't. You may think you are going dark, but your spouse sees you as just being grumpy, moody, withdrawn, pouting, angry, etc. The only way you can truly go dark is to live apart and have no sort of swapping kids between you where you see each other, no co-parenting communication, etc. And......don't even get me started with this so-called "gray".
When a LBH who lives with his W thinks he's going dark one day and not so dark the next is getting anywhere with the R, he is sadly mistaken. It is doing nothing more than giving her ammunition to twist everything around and turn it on him. Which isn't hard for a WW. Again, I am referring to living under the same roof together. If you want to physically S and never contact or see her again, that would be "going dark".
My advice is to forget the going dark, at the moment, and just focus on detaching. Going dark requires physically removing yourself from her life.....and can't do it under the same roof. Detaching is all about how you think in relationship to her. It is a mental attitude. You can sit right beside her and be emotionally detached.
I think a lot of people confuse detaching and going dark. Hope I didn't make it worse by giving you what I interpret as going dark. I've noticed a lot of newcomers making the same mistake, and I think it may come from that link they read.....but again, TJMHO.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
That makes sense. I am confusing going dark with going cold. The interaction this morning with WW was me trying to detach because I feel like by trying to detach I have been going too far and being cold.
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
My DB and DR books are ordered and I should have them mid next week. Looking forward to having them to study and refer to while using all the great info here as well to make my life how it should be for my kids and myself
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
Detaching does not mean to act cold, pouty, moody, mad, etc.
Here is a good description defining detachment. I hope you'll read it through.
Healthy Detachment...(Posted by DBer Peanut originally)
I. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally ALL that is said, not said, done and not done.
When our ego gets wounded, we are more inclined to do/say things that undermine our goals.
When we are Detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love.
Met with love, we are in a position to diffuse the situation, and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not indifference. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that we alone are responsible for how we act. We cannot control another person, but we can control how we respond to them.
We are responsible for our own actions (no one else is).
We are responsible for our own happiness. (No one else is)
PART II Detachment (found around here)
Detachment is the:
* Ability to allow S the freedom to be him/herself.
* Holding back from the need to rescue, save or fix S from being sick, dysfunctional or irrational.
* Giving S "the space" to be him/herself.
* Disengaging from an over-enmeshed or dependent relationship with S.
* Accepting that I cannot change or control S and it was never my "duty/job" to do so.
* Establishing of emotional boundaries between me and S, so that both of us might be able to develop our own sense of autonomy and independence.
* Process by which I am free to feel my own feelings when I see S falter and fail and not to feel responsible for his/her failure, faltering or learning.
* Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring, without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing, demanind or controlling.
* Placing of all things in life into a healthy, rational perspective. (=Balance is a piece of detachment).
* Ability to exercise emotional self-protection and prevention so as not to hang on beyond a reasonable and rational point.
* Ability to let people I love and care for accept personal responsibility for their own actions and to not bail them out when their actions lead to failure or trouble for them.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thank you Sandi I think in my detaching attempt so far I feel I have been approaching it wrong and totally closing myself off. Not talking to S going out of my way to avoid her. When what I believe I have to do is live my life like I want. She is going to be part of it no matter what as we have children together and nothing I say or do should be to change her. It should be for me. I am not saying I'm going to start acting like nothing is wrong or hasn't changed and act like we are happily married. A large part is me letting go of what she thinks of me. Why should I care right now what she thinks of me. It's about what I think of me and right now I feel much more positive about myself. My choices and my relationship with my children.
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
Also I really enjoy your post Sandi for newcomer LBH with WW. It helps me to understand her thought process and how to avoid feeding her feelings and addiction.
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
Need a little insight on a subject. When I call my older 2 kids, which I do every other night to see how they are and what's new. Do talk to them and not offer to talk to W? Do I not make it an option for kids? She has totally distanced herself from the older 2 because it hurts her to be leaving them after she has been their step mom for 1/2 their lives. So I don't plan on asking her if she wants to talk to them. But do I deny the kids talking to her? Do I ask them if they want to talk to W? D is 12 S is 9 and I know they are hurt by this sitch
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
Tyler-detaching means you don't let her dictate your mood. She is happy to see you, great-you are happy and attractive tyler. She wants to go out-you are happy attractive tyler. BUT if she ever disrespects you, call her out on it, but be happy attractive and in control tyler. She wants you to put up with something that is intolerable-nope, but you remain happy attractive tyler. Get the point?-you are awesome. Even if you are calling her on her bs you are awesome. You're in control. Think of an airline pilot. You are the pilot. You do whatever you need to but she only hears the calm voice on the PA.
I don't know why but I find the role reversal amusing. For the first 2 months I was moody and playing the poor little me role. Now with the advice here and a plan I came home today and was happy to play with my boys. Listened the one time she talked to me and validated her feelings. ( it was about how work was frustrating not R) and the rest of the time she has avoided eye contact and just sat there looking like she feels sorry for herself while I do my own laundry and play with my boys. Also I talked to my older 2 on the phone tonight neither of them asked to talk to her and I didn't offer so she didn't talk to them. She didn't ask to either. As great as I feel right now I am preparing myself for the attempted entrapment and anger that will for sure come my way. At which point I worry about me. Walk away from fights and listen and validate but not engage. Thank you all for the support so far. I'm glad on this long road there will be people like you all to listen and help
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
That's how they roll. The depression and anger should be expected by you. I just found people I could trust and spoke about it. Made jokes about it actually because it was frankly insane especially when combined with her blatant lies. Later man, good luck.
