I've been reading posts on this board since my husband of 11 years walked out on me 9 days ago.
My story is similar to so many. Married 11 years, no children. On Sunday after Christmas he decided to go for a bike ride. The bike riding obsession started a few months ago but I didn't think much of it. I don't like bikes but I was one of those wives that didn't mind if her husband did things on his own. But on Sunday something was different so before he left I asked him why he was going for a bike ride in 90+ degree heat. He then told he that he was leaving me. I convinced him to talk for a bit and his excuse for leaving was that I didn't let him ride his bike to work. When I told him he could ride his bike and I'd find my own way to work (we only have 1 car) he then told me that we never "clicked" (whatever that means) and one I don't think I've seen on this board yet that because we liked different things we couldn't go on vacation together (to that I responded that it wasn't anything that a good travel agent couldn't fix). He wouldn't look at me and then just got up and left. I sent him a few pathetically begging texts that Sunday before I found these forums and general information about the midlife crisis (he's 41 and I'm 39) and stopped. I haven't heard from him in 9 days and I haven't emailed, texted or otherwise made contact. He took his 2 bikes, most of his bike clothes, the iPad and a pair of shoes. As far as I can tell he hasn't been back to the house. The day before he left he spent most of the day texting on his phone. He told me there wasn't another woman but I'm not sure. He always used to say that he had a lot of female friends but that they wouldn't sleep with him.
To give you a bit more background on our marriage. I left my career and moved countries. When I got to the new country my qualifications weren't recognised so I had to rebuild my career from the bottom. Career-wise I'm in a good place now with a job that pays enough to support the lifestyle I want.
My husband is a scientist so you'd think that he would be analytical and rational but in 11 years I've noticed that he's one of the most suggestible people I know (other than listening to me of course). He once sent money to a Nigerian scammer but didn't tell me (I found the Western Union receipt in a suitcase I was cleaning). He has also signed up to give money to organisations he has no interest in just because he's had a phone call or been talked to on the street. This scares me because in the situation we find ourselves in, I feel that who he ends up hanging out with will determine whether we stay together or not.
So fast forward to yesterday and why I ended up writing this post. There are 2 women at work that I am close to and told them what had happened with my husband. Yesterday, they decided to tell me about somethings they had seen about my husband on Facebook. See there's another woman I work with that I used to be friends with. I am no longer friends with her because this woman is toxic (so toxic that after numerous complaints from multiple people the boss moved her to a different section). She is the type of woman that can only be friends with men but not other women. My husband particularly liked this woman because she was "fun". "Fun" for her means getting drunk whenever she wants and then trash talking people behind their back. My fun is reading, going to concerts and being with my cat so this woman is basically my opposite. The reason I am no longer friends with her is that one day out of the blue she simply stopped talking to me. From our previous friendship I knew that she was trying to test me and play with my feelings (she admitted she did this to people for fun). I accepted that she no longer wanted to be friends and simply got on with my life and my job. She continued to say horrible things about me behind my back that made my other work friends and non-work friends uncomfortable (everyone avoids the kitchen when she's in there). At year later she sent me an email saying she wanted to be friends. I ignored it (why would I want to be friends with someone like this?). Anyways, my husband loved this particular friend and encouraged me to fix the rift. I told him that it was over with her and asked him for my sake to not contact her.
Yesterday I found out that for a few months she's been saying to people (hoping it would get to me) that my husband had been telling her he was unhappy, etc. My friends saw this for the fake drama it was and never told me. I don't know if this is true or not but it sounds true. My friends also told me that they could see from Facebook that he's accepted the invitation to go to her birthday party on Saturday. She's currently single and her teenage daughter has moved out (I also found out yesterday). I don't know if they've slept together. I suspect not but at a minimum perhaps some sort of emotional affair. The other problem with the birthday party is that many of the other people there will be people that I work with. I don't want my personal crisis to be the topic of conversation around the water cooler (I try to keep my private life private, unlike her). I don't know if he's doing this for his own amusement and not thinking of me or if he's deliberately trying to hurt me (like her). My main feeling about this is shame and embarrassment. Other than this woman, I'm well respected and liked at work. I can only hope that my other workmates are decent people that won't fall into this woman's drama.
I want to work this out with him. I know (on an intellectual level) that I can't control his feelings or make him want to work on the marriage. I come from a family where we work on things - my parents have been married for close to 40 years and my grandparents made it to 60.
I'm trying to move on. I got a separate bank account (in doing so I've found out he's bought some furniture, the bill didn't say where it was delivered). I go to work. I go to yoga. I went to see a counsellor who advised me that I could change for him (if I wanted) but if it wasn't authentic then I'd have to maintain a fake self for the next 40 years (good point). I'm going to try yoga therapy too. I'm trying to go the things that I want to do which tend to be fairly quiet - books, music, cat. It seems that what he wants is typical midlife crisis - bars, loud music and being drunk (ironic because when he was with me he'd complain that 2 glasses of wine wrecked the next day).
I love this man but he's behaving like a toddler. I was blindsided when he walked out. We had issues but in the weeks before he left I made an effort to do things with him and go out. We went to outdoor markets, concerts. We had a good Christmas. I had finished a difficult period at work and he was recently promoted. I never complained about activities he wanted to do on his own and encouraged him to go out with the guys even if I didn't want to go. I don't know why he didn't tell me he was happy. We could have worked on it.
I'm thinking of changing the locks in the house but I'm not sure it's a good idea. I don't want him coming in with other people. I worry about my cat (if he doesn't care about me there's nothing to stop him from leaving a door open out of spite).
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I'm sorry you are here, but it's a great forum and the people are very supportive of one another.
Even though you want to work things out, you must also protect yourself financially. Contact a lawyer for a consultation. You can generally find some that offer free consultations. You need to know what your rights are. Also ask about changing the locks. Each state has a different law about such things. If you don't have an alarm system, I would seriously think about getting one and do not give your alarm code to anyone. This protects you, the items in your home and your cat.
He's gone. He's most likely been thinking about doing this for quite some time, i.e., generally 18-24 months prior to dropping the bomb on you. He's unhappy, therefore, you are the reason for that unhappiness. The excuses he gave you are just that...excuses. If he was so darn unhappy, he would have left a long, long time ago.
Is there another ow? Most likely yes. I would also keep my eyes and ears open because your former friend just may be the ow. It could be an emotional affair at this time, but time will reveal all if you sit quietly and patiently.
The counselor is correct, if you are making changes to please him, then you are going to have to continue living a lie for the rest of your life if you are w/him. If you make changes, make then for YOU. You have to figure out what is real and what is Memorex when it comes to his so called complaints. The changes you make must become permanent...so do whatever makes YOU happy, not him.
You can't reason w/him because right now, he's not rational and no matter how much you attempt to talk to him about the situation, he'll either come up w/additional complaints and have you pretzeling all over the place or shut down and not have any contact w/you at all. You have to remember, you can't control him and you can't fix him because you didn't break him.
It's not you...but it's definitely him. They expect us to be mind readers and aren't. How were we suppose to know that they were so unhappy when they never spoke to us about what was going on? Please don't beat yourself up. You certainly didn't have a crystal ball that alerted you when you should have been jumping through hoops to keep him happy.
For now, protect yourself financially, watch the bills coming in to make sure you don't get socked w/large debts that are his. Also, make sure you get plenty of rest, eat properly and drink plenty of fluids. The MLC crisis is a stressor and it looks like you are finding ways to help w/the stress.
Dealing w/a MLCer is not a sprint, but a marathon race. It takes years for them to get through it, if they even do.
Try to keep the focus on you and your little fur baby. Come here to vent, ask questions or just to touch base w/the posters.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
So sorry that you find yourself here with us all. You have had some excellent advice above from Job. Your mind will be reeling right now with total shock. I'm sorry, I don't have much to offer in the way of advice as my situation is still new and I'm not doing great at DBing at the moment so would hate to give the wrong advice, but I wanted to say hi and to say that you are not alone.
Thanks to everyone that has responded so far, I really appreciate this. As I type this I'm getting the locks changed in the house (I don't live in the U.S. and if he complains then I can fix the problem by giving him keys). Given that as far as I can tell he hasn't been back to the house in 9 days I'm not too worried about this change.
After typing the post above I went to work and it finally hit me that the ex-friend (although I hesitate to call her that as she wasn't really a friend) is most likely the ow even if only as an emotional affair. At the very least he lied to me about keeping in contact with her and that's not ok. I also think he might be staying at her house (no concrete proof though). Otherwise the rest of his friends are mutual friends, mostly married that would try to talk some sense into him.
I got to work and talking to one of my friends there and was feeling sorry for myself because I thought that everyone would look at me strangely when they found out about ow and H at ow's party on Saturday. My friend believes that this won't be the case. After having a bit of a cry I got on with my day which luckily had 2 long meetings. The meetings went well so that boosted my confidence a bit. When I got back to my desk (I made a deliberate choice to not bring my personal phone with me to the meetings to avoid the obsessive checking), I had a text message from H. He asked about the cat (my kitty is being treated for lymphoma and is doing well) and told me he had a counselling session. I haven't responded yet and was hoping to get some advice from experienced people on what to do. This is the first contact since he left 9 days ago. Should I offer to go to counselling with him? Acknowledge the text?
What he doesn't realise about ow / ex-friend is that she is only using him to get back at me. She couldn't destroy me personally or career-wise so she decided to take advantage of him. She couldn't care less about him or his feelings.
I also saw from the joint credit card (luckily with a low limit of 2,000) that he's bought a plane ticket. I have no idea for when or where but from the cost it's most likely a domestic flight to see his family.
My goal in all of this is to remain calm (for me and for my kitty) and not make any decisions in the grip of a strong emotion. I'm not religious but I like the expression "let go and let God" that I read either somewhere here or on another webpage. I want to try to stay as rational as possible given that he's acting like a spoiled teenager.
What is very, very ironic is that his brother in law walked out on his sister a few years ago. His sister was a few months pregnant at the time. They divorced and he went to live with ow.
Again, thank you to all who have listened and taken the time to post. I am grateful that in your pain and confusion you can reach out to a total stranger. There's so much information in the posts above that it may take me a few reads to absorb all the information.
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
MissCat, If you opt to respond back to him, reply "the cat is fine". Don't get chatty w/him. Keep your response short and sweet.
As for counseling, this is his counseling session to work on himself. He needs to figure himself out w/o you being a party to it right now. If he wants you to go, he'll ask you...but until then...allow him to do this on his own.
MLCers like to put out little notes to see just how vested we still are in them. It's also his way of finding out what you are doing and/or thinking because we tend to get our hopes up that by chatting w/them, they'll come to realize that they want back into the marriage. Most of the time, this is not the case. Don't take the bait.
He's purchasing things on the joint credit card. You are aware that if he doesn't come up w/the money to pay for those charges on the joint account that you will be responsible for them? As I may have advised earlier, you need to seriously think about separating the joint accounts before his spending gets out of hand and you are stuck w/the outstanding bills. You and only you can protect yourself financially. You can't rely on him doing the right thing. My advice, have your name removed from the joint accounts as quickly as you can. Please do not put this off because he can rack up the bills quite quickly and it appears that he has already started.
The ow doesn't care about you. All she cares about is having your h and his money. She knows that he's unhappy and she's going to be right there egging him on to do fun things and spending money on her. She doesn't care where the money comes. If it's not the ow we are thinking it is, it could very well be someone he's met. The ow is a needy individual and your h is looking to be the knight to save her.
The saying "Let go, let God" was posted on this forum by MGoBlue many, many years ago and it's still used today and it's used by others on other marriage forums as well.
Take each day as it comes and break it down into small parts so that you can handle things better. You are going to have good days and bad days. Allow the pain to wash over you and release it. If the your anger comes out to play, put it to good use, i.e., such as cleaning, walking, any type of physical exercise, but don't call him up and ream him another one. That will then be an excuse to help him justify why he left.
So, for now, keep the focus on you, your work, kitty and your finances.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You definitely need to know exactly what your situation is so you can react accordingly armed with information. As a former betrayed spouse who has spent hundreds of hours researching MLC's and infidelity I'd bet my bottom dollar he's fully engaged in a physical/emotional affair. He's saying all the textbook things, he's acting the textbook way. Asking him to be honest about it is an exercise in futility. Cheating spouses lie with the same ease as they breathe. Under an affair fog you can't trust one word out of their mouths. The upside with that is that you can't trust his hurtful words either about you "never clicking" and all that garbage. That's just affair fog-speak. Don't let it cut you. He doesn't mean it. He might think he means it but right now he's temporarily insane so when he gets hurtful let it roll off you.
First order of business now is focusing on what is best for you. Not the marriage, but you. Make yourself a priority because right now, he isn't making you a priority.
Be brave. Keep reading/posting at places like this.
Great advise being offered, and you yourself seem to be handling this as objectively and as calmly as possible. Keep it up. You are obviously the strong one In this relationship. Remember that.
One thought i had. Other woman sounds dangerous. Almost like the type you would be watching a film about. What type of person woukd put the time and effort in to target you in this way? Obviously we can't diagnose, but some narcisissitic, sociopathic behaviors you might want to read up on to figure out how to handle this. She is looking for reactions and it sounds like a really sick game. I think you should educate yourself on best ways to deal with person like that. Vanilla and others might have better insight.
Obviously any relationship between the two of them will not last. She will get bored. Perhaps the attitude, "you can have him. He's all yours. It's not hurting me much" will make her give up? Just don't let yourself be their common enemy. I think give husband space and time to figure this out on his own. Be gracious and friendly, but At the same time don't enable in any way. Act in your best interest financially. The more you react, the more husband will run and the OW will be getting to see you emotional and distraught (her motivation)
Last edited by JulieH; 01/06/1604:22 PM.
Me: 42 H: 43 Twins age 5 Physically Separated 7/2015
I agree that if there is an A, and if that horrid woman is the OW, it cant last long. It is something shiny, new, and different for your H. But true colors have a way of coming through.
You have nothing to feel embarrassed about, you are not the one acting poorly. Real friends will know this. Who cares what anyone other than real friends think?
Trust me when I say I know how painful an OW is. It sounds like it is not a dealbreaker in your case. If that is true, then there are things you can do to make the A less of a priority in your mind. The first thing I would do is cut away every single way you can snoop. Separate yourself from joint accounts to protect yourself, but also so you cant see what he is doing. Remove him from your Facebook.
Any kind of snooping, unless it is to protect yourself financially, will only hurt you. I know you are dying to know what he is doing, and what he is thinking. If you only knew, you could come up with a solution to fix the problem.
This simply will not work in this sit. You cant say or do a thing to fix him. He HAS to be the one to fix himself. You can protect yourself by pulling back and focusing on yourself. Become the woman only a fool would leave.
Step one, separate your accounts, today! Step 2, post some goals for yourself
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
