Separated- Wife in Emotional Affair

[Chris82]

I am sure this is all explained in the book, which will be at my house by 6pm tomorrow, but is the best way to deal with a WW situation is by detaching and going dark? I am so absolutely terrified that by doing that I'm just sending some message that "You're right, fine I won't talk to you, you win.. serve me papers.."

This is so hard.

[Cadet]

I am so absolutely terrified that by doing that I'm just sending some message that "You're right, fine I won't talk to you, you win.. serve me papers.."

Just because you are served papers you are not divorced.
Just because you talk to a lawyer you are not divorced either

This is not over until YOU decide it is.

Believe in the above advice. ^^^^

[mvgfwd2]

She will say the most horrible things about you, true or not, to others to justify what she is doing. She may have family and friends who reinforce her feelings and even amplify them to further drive a wedge between you. That is how my W got to the point an EA was OK. She had a serial adulterer friend who coached her on how to hide things and of course reinforce why I was a horrible person and the reason she was unhappy. Same with the family. Your W's head is so full of BS about you she actually believes you are the devil. She is on a high with this new A where none of the OM's warts are visible. At some point that will change. The more you detach, the quicker that will happen. Sandi's rules on WW's are the way to go. You have to get the fog of the A out of her head before she will start thinking logically. It really is amazing how selfish and destructive WW's get but they are on an emotional high that blocks out everything. So first step is to follow Sandi's rules to get the fog cleared.

Separate finances, cell phones, insurance, credit cards, etc. Don't finance her A one penny. Work out an agreed child care plan and get it in writing.

Most important, DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE MARITAL HOUSE!!

Then you have to GAL and make yourself someone only a fool would leave. If things don't work out at least you will be someone you can be proud of.

If there is to be a divorce let her do all the work. Well, at least until you have to go to the last resort strategy to wake her up, but you have a long way until then.

She will lie, complain, be nasty and manipulative. Expect it as her emotions will be all over the place. You be calm, strong and confident. Actions are strong, words are weak, and doing nothing is permission/acceptance.

[mvgfwd2]

By detaching and setting boundaries that you reinforce with actions when violated you become attractive. Women are attracted to strong, confident men. Begging is weak, she already doesn't respect you so it only reinforces her opinion and pushes her away. Be strong, confident, and decisive, that's what gains respect. Don't pursue, beg, talk about the R or A, it is pointless at this time. Forget the OM, he is a bum and beneath you.

[Chris82]

I agree and plan to do all those things. Just a few issues..

1.) I already have moved out of the marital house. I basically did it to keep the peace and not fight in front of my children. I sign a temporary 7 month lease and have all my own bills (cell, utilities, cable, etc) but there is still a small amount of inheritance money in a joint account that only her name was on. I feel kind of like a fool because I was so trusting of her in this marriage that I let her handle all the finances and didn't even pay money any mind.. I understand my mistake now that we are separated.

2.) Today, for example, I didn't contact her at all. She had a big interview for a job and I sent her 1 text saying "I hope all goes well today. Have a good day", She responded "it's at 1.. and Thanks"..end of contact for the day. Around 4 pm when I was driving to get my kids from school she initiated contact via text with me telling me "I survived the interviews! Yay I as so scared!" to which I simple responded "Good job, I know how nervous you get and I'm sure you were terrified, happy for you! See you around 8 when you get the boys"..end of contact.. then about 15 mins ago she called me.. asking me if she was coming here to get them or if I wanted her to meet me at the gym to get them and that "she just wanted to do whatever was most convenient for me.".. I told her to just text me when she got here and I would bring them down to her.

This type of attitude is confusing to me but I will stay strong in going dark. I am just wondering how effective it can be when she is constantly contacting me. It's as if she wants to continue her EA and have me as a friend too.. Something that just isnt possible for me.. I try to remain civil for the kids sake, but I feel like she is getting the wrong impression from me.

I have my boys Tuesday and Thursday afternoon until 8pm and every other full weekend Friday night to Sunday night. I've found that things are much more effective on the long stretched of Friday-Tuesday that I don't have them and long spans of NC are present. I guess I should be keeping contact as short and as sweet as possible? I want MAX effect!

Thanks

[trumpet]

Chris,

You said you didn't contact her at all... and then you texted BACK to her twice. Then you answered her call... that isn't going dark.

She needs to feel that she lost you. No contact. You can't compete with OM. You could be superman and couldn't get her back.

If it's for kid handoff, or for an event, I understand.

Please read Sandi's rules (stickied on the forum)... and then re-read them.

Yes, she's cake-eating, and as long as she knows she can do it, SHE WILL!

Things will have to get worse before they get better. If you're out of the house, it actually makes it easier to NC.

Imagine her as a baby-sitter - the hand-offs should be quick. You're dying inside, I know, been there, done that.

Stay strong.

[Chris82]

Thanks Trumpet.. I will take your advice and work on that. This is new to me but I intend to do this effectively

[Tyler12]

I am also limiting contact. We still live together with our boys so i understand it is very hard. I am not going dark but limiting contact and conversation. If she texts me a question she gets the answer. No more no less. I'm not being rude or cold. It's more about detaching and focusing on you. Very hard I know. if my W texts me with a statement looking to engage in conversation I will reply with that's good or nice to hear. And say I am busy with something. Which I usually and to have a nice day. Let her come to you. If you are going dark I'm not the one to take advice from. Best of luck! Remember to focus on yourself!

[Azzork]

Chris -

There is no MAX effect. That's not the point of no contact.

The point of going dark is to give you the space that you need to GAL, to detach, to not make things WORSE. She isn't going to come running back to you because you stop talking to her for a couple of days.

I'm glad to see that you've started looking into yourself. Now is the time to start doing the real mirror work. Who do you want to be? How can you become HIM? Going dark will give you the space that you need to do that kind of work.

[Chris82]

Thanks Azzork and you are completely correct.

Tonight when she picked up the kids she tried to initiate a conversation about my day, I halted it by laying some ground rules for the kids going forward. I know I have them Tuesday and Thursday until 8pm come Hell or high water. Up unto this point she has used the days I have the kids as a reason to text me just to get a response. I politely told her today that going forward to just understand barring any unexpected circumstance she just pick up the kids at 8. I also told her " What you're engaged in is not okay with me and I won't tolerate it in my life" "I think its just best we not speak" wished her well loaded my kids, got in my truck and went to the gym. I was polite, but firm in my decision. Since I was at the gym shes called and texted me each 3 times fishing for a response.. I've answered none of them and don't intend to going forward.

Now I'm excited to start looking at the man I want to be for my kids and my relationship with my God. Signed up for some local outreach food drives at my church this weekend to fill my Saturday and my first game of disc golf ever.. I'm excited for that. Finally, a shred of peace. I will cherish it.