(((Tyler))) I am sorry your new year is starting out like this.
I know how easy it is to panic and wonder how every little thing you are doing is affecting her. Your goal is hard, but you have to completely take your focus off of her and focus on yourself.
What can you start doing in your life to make yourself happier today?
This is so hard, but keep posting and trust the process.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
One large misstep I made tho is I moved to the basement while she stayed in our room. I will try and remedy this. I agree if she is walking away then why should I be the one that gives up the bed?
BINGO
Let us know how you make out here and while you may encounter some anger it is one of the most common and worst mistakes you can make to move out of the house or abandon the marriage.
I talked to my therapist on the phone for a brief period today and explaining what I want to do based on all of the suggestions ideas and theories I have found so far on this site she is in total agreement with the actions I am implementing. So that feels really good to me to have someone I know and trust support this decision! I am sure I will come to trust all of you too this is not going to be a quick and easy process so I am glad to have found a community where I can vent and get ideas and support from people that have or are living through the same situation as myself.
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
Hi Tyler, very sorry you are here. Under circumstances this is a great board with great people and you will receive great advice. You appear to be doing quite well this early on and per what you've said above, understand that any changes likely will not happen suddenly or as quickly as we'd hope. Realizing this fact is true knowledge my friend. Majority of us are in it for the long haul. This gives us all time to work on who we truly wish to be. We may not have been dealt the hand we're playing, but we can sure do as best we can with what we've got.
Just wanted to extend my support as we are all on our respective journeys under similar events.
M: 33 W: 30 T: 14 M: 9 S2 BD: May/2015 (w moves into spare bedroom one week later) EA / PA (discovered): June/2015 W moves out (living with OM): Sep/2015
I was wondering if on top of DB books if people have recommendations for say podcasts or books that I can get on kindle or on my phone. It is much easier for me to keep my dbing my thing on my phone. Also it's instant download an I don't have to wait for it to come In the mail. I can dive right in
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
Went out to volleyball tonight alone. I mentioned I was going yesterday and she was welcome to come. When it was time to go she said no which didn't surprise me and I was going anyway. It was fun. It will get better going out. Right now it felt a little lonely. Like something was missing. I am wondering what helps you guys make the transition to DBing for yourself instead of, like I feel now, to get the WS back. I keep telling myself it's for me and my happiness but right now it still feels like I am doing this to win her back. That said there are times already where it feels like she is pursuing. Hovering waiting for me to ask how her day was or what's going on. And I don't. I am employing all I have read and learned here to detach. She is like a yo-yo where she is right there. Then she will go quiet and go do what she always does. Sit on her phone. Today was a hard day to follow sandi's rules tho as I could tell she had a rough day and was tired, aggravated at the children, i got home earlier than here and she had meat out. I was hungry so I started making supper because I wanted to eat and I know my boys are always hungry after day care. And she was mad at me saying why do I bother planning supper! Haha. I said really? I got home first and started supper ( also a 180) and your mad at me? Normally I would go play with the boys to give her some down time on days like this but I was busy with supper and still attended the boys when they wanted my attention. So I got through it. It was rough tho. Here's to each day getting easier and better for my children and me!
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
When I first started going out all I wanted was H by my side. I was having so much fun, alone. But I just kept at it. Little by little I was able to enjoy myself without wishing H was there with me. I still feel a humongous urge to get him to come with me often, but it passes and I go on with my plans.
I remember on New Years I was so sad getting dressed because my shoes were so cute, lol. My H has never seen me in my cute shoes. But it passed and I had an amazing night.
It feels like you are only doing this to win her back because right now you are only doing this to win her back. People can tell you all day that you need to go have fun for yourself. You need to make yourself better for you, but while it is still so fresh and new, it is impossible for you to do this. It is ok to fake it until you make it. Keep pretending you are doing this for you, and day by day that lie will become the truth.
If possible, do not get pulled into her moods. Dont worry if she is happy, sad or anything. She fired you from that job. Don't walk around on eggshells. It will make you look weak. Show strong and happy as much as you can.
I know her anger is confusing. She gets angry when you do the right thing and she is the one who is choosing this life, why is she getting angry? The reason is this is harder on her than you might think. Yes, logically you can say she can end this nightmare any time she wants, but she cant see that. She feels trapped, hurt and angry. When you do things right, it could make her furious, because why now?
That is why you cant get pulled into her moods. You cant help her. You can mindread what she 'might' be thinking.
You seem like you are already doing so well. This will be the hardest thing you have ever done, and it will last what seems like forever, but we are here every rotten step of the way.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Thank you Mona. Your words of encouragement mean a lot. It's wonderful to have a support group that understands 95% of what's going on. The other 5% being specifics. And you are right on the nose. She has expressed anger at me for changing now, and I thought it was because she was mad it took so long for me to be the way I am now. I never considered that it makes her mad because it also makes this so much harder for her. Which feels good to me right now that it's hard for her too. Not te best attitude to have because it's spiteful and I have to not worry about her emotions. Because like you said. She fired me from that job. It's only been a couple days of detaching for me with W and it's going well mostly because I have done it before with previous relationships, those were me going dark tho. I find myself asking myself now if she were to come back what makes me want to take her back? Will things be better? Will she be a different person? Will she just do this again?
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
I am also finding it to be a fine line between detaching and going dark/ cold. Or is it just me not quite understanding the difference? I re read the rules and detachment forums everyday to understand more and remember it. I'm just wondering if it is a fine of line as I am currently thinking
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
Hey man, so this is what my wife admitted to me. Some of her anger and depression was at herself. She was tearing apart the family, chose an OM very poorly etc. Some was at OM who became a burden. A lot was at me for not changing before she made her mistake etc. What attracted her to me again though was staying the course. She was in a sht storm and saw consistency in me. That was the turning point, that's why you need to shake off her moods. She wants to unnerve you and also likes the drama now. But it will get old. In my case detachment was really hard especially bc I couldn't detach physically. I actually needed to be more present. My 2nd bd was over a month ago. It confirmed all of my suspicions but was actually good for R. It was her coming clean and actually being remorseful. Now it's my anger I got to work through, but r and w are there thankfully. Oh and your wifes om? Ignore the not a pa lie. Start coming to terms with it earlier than later. Sorry man. Happy new year. You can do this.
