What is to be expected of the W when I start the detaching process? Also in my situation I am able to spend my free time in the basement reading or working on some projects I have. Is that the right option? I am concerned I will take it too far and alienate her. Last night we had supper with the boys, I tucked the older one in and while he fell asleep she sat in front of the fireplace on her phone. I worked in some school work as I am in a trade and doing schooling now. Then took the dog for a walk. She asked how the walk was. I said it was good. And gave a few details. Then I went downstairs and did some work for an hour or so came up for a drink of water and a smoke and she came over and engaged me. I listened and said little. While I was working she texted me a few times and I have short responses if it was a question. None of it was a statement. After the drink I went back down and read the forums a bit on my phone and slept. She didn't text me anything and this morning I woke her up as she slept through her alarm. I said good morning and other than that there has been nothing. I just have been talking with my 3 yr old. Do I seem like I on the right path? Or too far. Too little?
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
What is to be expected of the W when I start the detaching process? Cadet already got this one nailed. Who knows?
Also in my situation I am able to spend my free time in the basement reading or working on some projects I have. Is that the right option? Yes and no. How can you do some GAL activities outside of your home? Doing some work on projects is good. How can you also do some things to meet new people and make new friends?
I am concerned I will take it too far and alienate her. Shes having an affair. What do you mean "alienate" her?
Last night we had supper with the boys, I tucked the older one in and while he fell asleep she sat in front of the fireplace on her phone. I worked in some school work as I am in a trade and doing schooling now. Then took the dog for a walk. She asked how the walk was. I said it was good. And gave a few details. Then I went downstairs and did some work for an hour or so came up for a drink of water and a smoke and she came over and engaged me. I listened and said little. Listening is good. Validating is good. No real reason to do any more than that.
While I was working she texted me a few times and I have short responses if it was a question. If you are working, then you dont need to reply right away. You dont want to be doing things just so you dont have to be around her. Dont act like youre avoiding her. So, I wouldnt have your phone by your side ready to reply at a moment's notice.
None of it was a statement. After the drink I went back down and read the forums a bit on my phone and slept. She didn't text me anything and this morning I woke her up as she slept through her alarm. I said good morning and other than that there has been nothing. I just have been talking with my 3 yr old. Do I seem like I on the right path? Or too far. Too little? Seems like a good start. Now, how can you start doing things outside of the home?
I apologize if I come off as panicking. Because part of me is. I have always been very intimate and close with my wife. Or felt I was anyway. Hugs kisses speaking my affection and being available for whatever she needed. So this is a definite 180 for me. I feel like I should give The major issues that caused the breakdown from my side. From the beginning there were huge missteps in my part. I was not open with her off the start and we had been dating a few months when I told her I was not actually divorced. Separated for 3 years but not legally divorced. That did not go over well and we both immediately started the process of getting my divorce done. During this time tho I stepped back as she seemed to be handling it well enough without my help and I was only partially involved. My financial choices before W were also very poor and she explained my options were bankruptcy or jail time as I had letters for court dates for non payment at this point. I opted for bankruptcy and once again. Other than my signature I let her handle it all. If it was something she could do I let her and she did it. She came to me several times asking for help with this or that and I would until the next day and I would go back to my old ways. I found myself lost in a computer game and it took up all my free time. I played it every chance I got and I neglected any time with S. W has always been a go out and do stuff person. Socialize. Camping. Not sit around the house. And I was lazy and we never did anything. I see all my shortcomings. Eliminated the problem areas and have been more active. Like waking the dog. Which I never did before. Looking after my issues. Finances. And working on projects in the house. Spare time is spent with my kids and finding stuff to do. And it feels amazing! This change in me however brought on resentment from her as she indicated if I had been like this for 5 years we wouldn't be having this issue.
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
Hugs kisses speaking my affection and being available for whatever she needed.
Have you read the 5 Love Languages?
It sounds like yours may be physical touch and ??quality time??. On the other hand, hers may be....
Originally Posted By: Tyler12
During this time tho I stepped back as she seemed to be handling it well enough without my help and I was only partially involved. Other than my signature I let her handle it all. If it was something she could do I let her and she did it. She came to me several times asking for help with this or that and I would until the next day and I would go back to my old ways.
Acts of Service
What that means is that she may perceive your love in a different way than how you express it. And vice versa. Without speaking to each other in the same "language", you can get the sense that the other doesnt love you.
Originally Posted By: Tyler12
I found myself lost in a computer game and it took up all my free time. I played it every chance I got and I neglected any time with S. W has always been a go out and do stuff person. Socialize. Camping. Not sit around the house. And I was lazy and we never did anything. I see all my shortcomings. Eliminated the problem areas and have been more active. Like waking the dog. Which I never did before. Looking after my issues. Finances. And working on projects in the house. Spare time is spent with my kids and finding stuff to do. And it feels amazing! This change in me however brought on resentment from her as she indicated if I had been like this for 5 years we wouldn't be having this issue.
This is all you can do. Be the person that you want to be. Dont listen to her complaints and resentment. Shes going to really be upset with you for being a better person?
I live in a smaller town. 1000 people so there isn't a whole lot to do in the evenings. However tonight there is adult volleyball that she had always wanted to go to and I never did. We went once early on in the split and I plan on going alone tonight. I did mention that I was going and she was welcome to come if she wanted. But I going. Also there is a gym opening soon so I plan on getting out to work on myself and meet people there. If I'm not alone there. I do feel like heading to the basemt is an attempt to avoid her. Being winter and cold and dark my outside options are a bit limited and sitting upstairs is to sit on my phone and watch her texting and talikng to friends and OM. she wanted me to be more outgoing and do stuff and now she sits on her phone constantly. I also fear that if we engage in conversation I am going to get sucked back into being totally available to her. Right now her emotional needs are being primarily be OM and I picking up anything he isn't. I want to stop that it's my fair to me to be strung along and feel like things are ok. Because they aren't and I need to work on me.
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
She may be upset that it took this extreme for me to be focused on changing And if she isn't happy with me being happier that's her issue not mine. If she chooses to be miserable and angry them she had to look at herself. If she doesn't like the new happy me. Her loss
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
I live in a smaller town. 1000 people so there isn't a whole lot to do in the evenings. However tonight there is adult volleyball that she had always wanted to go to and I never did. We went once early on in the split and I plan on going alone tonight. I did mention that I was going and she was welcome to come if she wanted. But I going. Also there is a gym opening soon so I plan on getting out to work on myself and meet people there. If I'm not alone there.
Good. Can you do stuff with your kids too? Is there a parent group you can join? Im not sure how far away from a bigger town you are; maybe check out meetup.com? Also, the local libraries usually have stuff thats cheap or free for kids.
Originally Posted By: Tyler12
I do feel like heading to the basemt is an attempt to avoid her.
Right and if she can sense this, then she will know that your activities and such are about her and not about you. What youre doing is good; but how to frame your mindset such that you want to be doing X, not just that you want to be avoiding her?
Originally Posted By: Tyler12
Being winter and cold and dark my outside options are a bit limited and sitting upstairs is to sit on my phone and watch her texting and talikng to friends and OM.
No. Nobody wants this.
Quote:
Tyler12]she wanted me to be more outgoing and do stuff and now she sits on her phone constantly. I also fear that if we engage in conversation I am going to get sucked back into being totally available to her. Right now her emotional needs are being primarily be OM and I picking up anything he isn't. I want to stop that it's my fair to me to be strung along and feel like things are ok. Because they aren't and I need to work on me.
Agreed. So dont get sucked in. Dont meet her emotional needs. She already fired you. Let OM meet all of her needs. I think it was CaliGuy that said to let OM handle the entire train behind the engine; not just the front car.
Reading sandi's posts about WW I have a much better pictur on what I need to do. One large misstep I made tho is I moved to the basement while she stayed in our room. I will try and remedy this. I agree if she is walking away then why should I be the one that gives up the bed? The more I read on here the better I feel anout what I have to do for myself and children. That is what's important now. I am in the process of getting the books suggested by everyone ASAP. And look forward to using the knowledge they have. Thank you everyone for your help so far. I will definitely stay active here
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
I'm so happy to hear you're getting the books, Tyler. Have you already read DR? That one is pure gold for me. I reread it once a week, to help keep me focused.
At this point, it's less about H and more about me. It needs to be for the time-being. Like you, I took a good look at how I acted and behaved during the M, and I saw several areas that could use improvement. Not to make H happy, but because I had literally lost who I was in the R. Not good for either of us.
All the reading I've done, sharing posts, and getting advice here has just been golden for me. I'm starting to see outside my sheer terror, and am making plans to move forward. I wish the same for you.
The biggest thing to keep in mind? It all takes time. Way more time than you want it to - but that very same time gives you an opportunity like you've never had before to really work on yourself exclusively. It is a gift, although it is so hard to frame it that way in the midst of the pain. You'll get there.
