Here is my story. I have been with my wife for 5 years. M 1 year 9months. We have 2 children together 3 and 10months. Also I have 2 from a previous marriage which she completely accepted as her own.
I thought things were good until 2 months ago when I was told she is leaving me. She is unhappy with everything and has been for a long time. Shortly after I found out there is another man in the situation. I immediately started seeing a therapist. Reading books and forums to change my issues. Which I fully admit. I did nothing to make this marriage work and I accept my responsibilities for my part of the failed M. Where we sit now without going into extreme detail is that we live together until she can get the funds to rent someplace where she wants to move with the younger 2. The older 2 visit every other weekend and live with their mother. We have shared a bed a few times in the last 2 months and had sex for the last time 2 days after she told me she was leaving. She leaves every weekend to go to where she is "happy" and usually with friends and the OM. I asked her to be 100% truthful with me if they were having sex. She said no. However like the rules state believe nothing they say. She is always texting. Snap chatting and talking on the phone with friends and OM. It's quite painful to see and live with. Right now I at the point where I don't care what she is doing. She has to follow her path. And I being the grown up/ parent. I have to be who I need to be for my children and myself.
I am 32. She is 26.
I find myself being much more happy with my life now that I am keeping myself busy and spending more time with my kids. If or when she wants to be part of that. Great. Until then it hurts. But I am happier. Last night after returning from her weekend away and I listened to all she had to say about the fun she had. I stopped her and explained how I felt about certain subjects and how they are hard for me to hear and cope with. This last weekend she was away brought her to the point where she is probably more attached to the OM and at the same time told me that if I had been acting/living like I have been for the last 2 months over the last 5 years this never would have been an issue. So while I accept that my change is not changing anything between us right now. It has opened her eyes to the fact that I have changed and want to continue down the path I am going. So I guess my question is What do I do from here? Just keep on focusing on myself improvement? Or should I add in trying to reconnect? Or distance myself and hope she approaches me about reconnecting?
Last edited by Cadet; 01/04/1610:14 PM. Reason: Carriage returns for readability
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
1) keep doing what you are doing. Why change now? You said yourself that you are happier.
2) make sure not to start pursuing now. That won't do you any good.
3) don't tell her things are "hard for you" to hear. Tell her she's being disrespectful telling you about her exploits with OM! It's not that she's hurting you....it's that she's not respecting you as a person!
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
I really do feel happy with how my life is changing. Other than the hurt of her not wanting to be part of it. I am scared if I detach she will think I don't care anymore. At the same time I am realizing she is already gone and her herself is detached. As for telling her she is being disrespectful of me. I agree. However I also know by saying that she will get angry and close up to me. She is starting to open up. The issue I told her to stop about was she was explaining how she was out at the bar with friends and OM when the OM ex came up to them to talk and W was going to fight her. It did hurt me because she was acting like a jealous teenager. That it sunk in she considers herself dating this guy
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
I read through the detachment page and I will definitely have to go through it several times more to really let the info sink in. What I read makes so much sense and it feels like I have started that process and I am still letting her have control over me. Hoping she will approve. So I believe I need to focus on the detachment more. When I first saw detachment it seemed extreme to me but reading about it, it makes more sense and I am not completely letting go
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
Do the actions and behavior of your W fit within your values and principles? I gather by what you've said.......and mostly by what you haven't said........that her A is not a deal breaker for you. Is that b/c she said she had not had sex with OM? Or would that matter?
It always concerns me to see a man whose only worry is that his wayward W will eventually forsake her A and have him back.
One thing EVERY wayward wife has in common, and that is disrespect for her H. That is where you have to begin, if you want to have a good M, is her respecting you. I have a feeling it has gone on so long that you haven't really considered her not respecting you. A woman has to respect you as a man, before she can feel in love with you and respect you as her H. That's how women are wired.
So, evaluate the relationship and decide if she has lost respect for you as a man. Let me give you a clue. Any W who talks to her H about her time spent with her lover........has no respect for that H. The respect was gone before the OM ever came into the picture.
You need to also decide if you think it is wise to continue having sex with a woman who is probably having sex with another man. Please do not trust her word. Don't take chances. Protect yourself.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Stepping back from the situation I realize she has no respect for me. I addressed that tonight and told her I do want to hear about you day and what your doing that is fun. At the same time I do not want to hear about the things that involve the OM. It's disrespectful to me that you talk about it so openly. Surprisingly she didn't get openly mad at me and said she understood. What she is doing right now does not fit into my values and beliefs nor those of her parents and upbringing. The reason I do want her back is since the day I saw her i have always felt that she is my forever person. She was my best friend and the woman I love more than anyone. She still comes to me with issues like her mother not agreeing with the situation and refusing to talk to her. So I listen and give advice if asked. Do I go dark? I am at a total loss as to how to proceed with the interactions with her. She definitely notices if I go cold. And distance between us was part of the issue before. My therapist asked me the same question. Why do you want to reconcile with someone who having a EA or otherwise and right now because I still love her very much and my beliefs and values are that a family should be together. That is what I want
The person that you will spend the most time with in your life is yourself, so make yourself as interesting as possible.
No, I would not suggest going dark at the moment, but I do suggest you read the 37 rules, as a guide to get you started in how to interact with her.
At the bottom of that first page of rules, is a link to a series of threads about the wayward wife. It could save you valuable time, hopefully, if you will run through those, too. I think you will see how you need to take a much stronger stand, if you want this WW to return.
I have read many of the same descriptions about wives on this board. She is absolutely his world. So much, in fact, that he has become co-dependent on that MR. All his free time is with her. His old friends kind of fell behind, and he gave up most his hobbies/interests b/c now it's all about his family.
A lot of the H's who have a WW fall into the "nice-guy" type of men. One thing that will not work to win back the heart of a WW is your nice-guy way. You cannot nice her back. Hope you'll read those links.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
