MB - I would have made an appointment for my H, too, at your stage. I know for sure mine is in MLC. He doesn't believe it, and won't listen - but what else could be responsible for a complete change in priorities and personality? I would have done anything to get him in to see a doctor he would listen to in hopes that AD's would help clear his mind a bit.
But...Rain has a point. He fired you as his W. Maybe now that you've done this one thing for him, you should start letting him feel what life is going to be like without you helping him out. When he complains about something, validate, but don't offer to help him. He only gets your help if he's interested in acting like an H.
I can already tell this is going to go against your instincts, but you caught on the moment she pointed it out. So, from now on, just try and catch yourself when you find that you're wanting to do something a W would do...and then don't do it.
This situation is horrible. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It's hard, nothing makes sense, and every day seems worse than the day before. But that will change, especially as you begin to GAL, and stop thinking about H. You have to do that for both of you. He needs to feel your loss, and you need the space and freedom from the pain so that you can be the best mom you can, which is hard to do when you're feeling so much pain.
I think I made the appointment just as much for me as I did for him. I'm hoping that if he gets on medication, it will help bring him back to me. The appointment was only the first step though. The hard part will be him deciding to go to it and I can't help him with that part.
As for doing things a W would do, Other than this appointment, I don't believe that I do that. I mean, there is usually NO contact at all between us. He's not asking me for any favors and I'm certainly not offering. I sure wish he'd open his eyes to see reality, but he seems too lost at the moment. That leaves me no choice but to go dark, continue 180 and GAL.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
I've been looking through the MLC threads this morning, looking for inspiration and guidance. I found this little gem, and I'm going around sharing it with everyone I think it may be helpful to. Sometimes everything just gets to be too much, and I forget where I'm supposed to be focusing. It really helped me redefine where I want to go, and how I'm going to get there. I hope it helps you a bit, too.
Originally Posted By: ericmsant2
Consider the DB basic principals....
1) Healthy boundaries. 2) Better communication 3) GAL 4) "act as if" 5) Change how you look at things 6) Keep a positive outlook 7) Personal growth 8) Learning more about you so that you can be all that you can be. 9) Learning to avoid "cheese less tunnels" 10) Love and respect
These principals can be used in all facets of ones life. When used properly....they truly can change you from the INSIDE OUT.
Hi Rain, thanks for checking on me. Just woke up. According to my Fitbit tracker I slept for 4hrs 29min and was restless 5 times during that time. Just sitting here in bed reading posts on this forum. Waiting for the desire to get out of bed to hit me. So far it hasn't. I put myself on the schedule to work tonight since I haven't worked at all this week so I'm also hoping they don't call me off!
Last night was rough for me. I'm just having a really hard time switching gears back from he wants to see me to now he doesn't. For me, things never changed...I WANT TO SEE HIM! UGH! So last night I got dressed and put on my makeup, then went to my friends house. I go right past his house to get there as she lives right down the street from him. He wasn't home when I went by. Really bothered me. Her H is one that is a bit controlling as well, he likes it to be just the 2 of them there and doesn't really like others taking her attention away from him. He will just have to get over it! LOL. Anyway, stayed there for about an hour but just felt like I was going to jump out of my skin the whole time. Then, I just couldn't stand it anymore. I just HAD to go see him. So not happy about that. I knew better. I knew better. I KNEW better. Sometimes I just get that thought in my head and it keeps replaying and I just can't seem to stop myself. As I said, I seem to be having trouble switching gears back. Anyway, he opened the door before I even got up the steps to the porch. When I saw the look on his face, I really wished that I had not stopped. It was the old unfriendly face that I had not really seen in a couple of months. I asked if I could come in and he said I guess so, rolled his eyes, and went and sat on the couch. I walked in and sat down but not beside him. I stayed for about 30 minutes and just watched TV with him. It did make me feel better just to be in the same room with him, but I know it didn't make HIM feel better. I tried to be upbeat, smile and talk casually asking questions about what he was watching on TV (wasn't easy because it was a car show). I didn't talk about us at all, just the TV show. After a few minutes, he did loosen up some and just talked to me as he would have normally, but again it was only about the TV show. Then, I got up and told him I was going to leave. I stood there and talked to him for a minute, he never really looked at me though. Then I told him goodbye....didn't try to touch him, hug him, kiss him, etc....and I left. I felt more depressed after leaving than before I got there. It did help my anxiety though just to see him and not see HER there with him. Sigh.... It won't happen again. I hope. The eye rolling is a very hurtful and heartbreaking thing for me to have to see. I saw enough of it the first time and have no desire to se myself up for it any more.
After leaving his house I just knew I couldn't sit at home because it was just going to continue to eat me up. So, I came home and got one of my daughters then we went to my sister's house and made her and her H play cards with us. H kept creeping into my thoughts, but I just kept trying to push him out. I mean, heck, he has no problem pushing me right out of HIS mind (I know, that's me mind reading). We were probably there for about 3 hrs before returning home. One of my problems now is that I had told my family about H and the affair and thy were supportive of me. They were also not happy when he had a change of heart and wanted me back. They weren't happy that I was willing to give him another chance. They accepted him at Christmas, but it was awkward and you could feel the tension in the air. I can't now tell them that he changed his mind again because they will never accept him if he decides to come back to me again. So, I have lost a huge chunk of my support system. I don't want to hear the "I told you so" that I know each one of them will feel obligated to say to me. And, my friends from work that knew about the affair, I didn't tell them that we were back together working on things because I knew they would be judgmental and I didn't want to hear all of their negative opinions. So, now that he has turned away from me again, they don't know things have changed for me and gotten harder because they never knew about us working on things. The only ones that I can now talk to that know what's going on is my friend that lives on his road, my kids, and you guys. I have got to get a grip before my kids think I'm completely nuts! I don't like them seeing me sitting around depressed, crying and pathetic. Of course, if I can't work I have no choice but to sit here because I can't afford to do anything else. LOL
Hmmm....bet you're sorry you asked how I'm doing today huh?
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
Ancaire, thanks for your post. Before finding this site, I spent the first month and a half after BD reading everything I could get my hands on that had to do with how to deal with a spouse's MLC. Basically, what I take from all of my research is that there's NOTHING you can do to help the. It's a journey that they take alone and you can't help, speed it up, guide, support....or anything at all. Nothing! You're just along for the ride. And, most that go through it have affairs while trying to "recapture their youth." Everything I read says not to tell them that you think they're going through a MLC (I then promptly told my H 3 times! LOL) because they won't believe you, don't give them books or information to read on it, etc. And, just know that in their eyes, the spouse is always to blame. They want to pile all the problems they have on the spouse, blame them for all their unhappiness, act like everything is the spouses fault and then get rid of the spouse because if the spouse is gone their problems and unhappiness will go away as well. They never seem to remember the good times, only the bad ones and they will even rewrite history to make good times SEEM like bad times. And on, and on, and on. It's just a fun experience that they are dragging us through and we can't even do anything to help them. Eventually most of them fight off their demons and come out of the MLC, but not all of them do. And, how long it takes just depends on how long they run from doing the work within themselves. Antidepressants and antianxiety meds will help if they reach out to a doctor to get them, but many will not. I did make my H an appointment, but not even sure he will go. I will say a prayer for him and cross my fingers, but that's all I can do. I wish he knew how much I love him and want to help him, but he's too busy hating to be around me.
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
MB - I understand what you've found to be true, as well. I really didn't want to believe it was MLC. I wanted it to be anything else but that...the facts of MLC are just so darned depressing. I know I'm in for a very long wait. I love H enough to wait. In the meantime, I get to be all about me! I have never had the opportunity I have now. My kids are all grown, and I just get to work on the one person I can actually control - and to be honest, I'm kind of excited about it.
All the work I have to do is taking my focus off this awful situation, and allowing me to move forward (which, incidentally, this site advises is the single best way to ever get a chance of R with H.) I am ready to move forward now. I've done the best I could to salvage things, and true to MLC...there is no salvage right now.
An alien has taken over my H's body. It's hard, because sometimes he sounds so sane. But the spew, the rewriting of our lives, the fact everything wrong in his life is all my fault? Classic MLC.
I'll go insane if I try and keep up with H and what he's doing - so I'm not going to do that. I've told him I love him and forgive him. He just doesn't want to believe me at the moment, because it wouldn't allow him to do what he seems driven to do.
I won't be saying it again unless and until he comes back with some sincere remorse. I'm fine with that. After all this, the last thing I want is another R for a really, really long time. This has wounded me in a way I could never have imagined. I had older scars already...so now's as good a time as any to address all the crap I just ignored. Best for me...best for H.
I trust in the process. I think I'm going to be okay. As you know, I had a rough one today - but I've already begun to bounce back. It is what it is.
I'm just so very grateful for this board, and all the wonderful people here. I would have lost my mind for more than just a brief while if it hadn't been for my friends here.
Ancaire, I'm really happy for you that you're excited about your new life. My question is HOW did you get excited about it? Feeling excited would be GREAT, but for now I'd just like to feel okay with it. I just don't. Even when I had no contact for 5 weeks, I never felt okay with it. I miss him every single day and for most of the day! Seems like it should be getting easier. Maybe there's just something wrong with ME?
M:45 H:48 M:11 No kids BD:Sept'15 EA:Confirmed 1wk later PA: Oct'15 12 '15 2 wk R Just kidding, H wants NC 12 '15 H back w/OW 4 '15 R &still working on it
MB...It took months for me to be excited about it, but I know exactly what happened. I stopped thinking about H. I'll catch myself going there, and if it's important, I'll finish the thought. If it's the old "I love him, I miss him, how could he do this to me, etc" I force myself to think of something else.
At first, it's really, really hard. But I am literally retraining my brain into a new line of thinking. It wants to think of H. I won't let it. I consciously redirect. It gets easier and easier, and as a result, my attitude gets far more hopeful.
There is nothing wrong with you. You're reacting to the training you've given your mind. You think about H all the time, so where does your mind automatically want to go? Down the path that's easiest. You really have to focus on training it to go down a different path. Some thoughts that may help:
1. Watch TED talks on youtube. You'll learn a lot of really great stuff. It's motivation and educational. 2. Make a bucket list of things you want to accomplish in life before it ends. You'll start daydreaming about that list, the more you think of it. 3. Write out goals for what you want to do, and how to get there. This is a great example: "I want to think about H less, and me more." How do I do that? "I will force myself to think about my favorite teacher growing up whenever I notice I've started thinking about H." How will I know it's working? "I will know it's working when I've gone an entire hour without thoughts of H intruding into my head."
I could probably come up with more, if you need, but it's best to start very simply. Start doing things that lift you up. Motivation/educational programs are simply the best thing for that. Reprogram your brain, it actually works! It's just not easy at first. Define some immediate goals to get you from thinking about and missing H every minute of the day.
I hope that helps a bit? Those of us here all share one quality. We have backbones of steel. This is not easy, and to choose to do it, to put ourselves through this kind of flexibility in order to save our M's? I think we're all rockstars, in our own way.
I'm new on these boards and just started going through this so I'm no expert on these things. My strategy from probably one too many yoga classes and watching Oprah shows since I was 13, is to get excited about little things to take my mind off H and what I think he might be doing. It can be anything - I got lots of green lights on the way back home, sleeping through the night, finding a good book, someone was unexpectedly nice at work, vegan banana bread finally turned out ok, my cat behaved like a dog instead of cat, something funny someone did or on tv, I talked to someone about my crazy idea of taking flying lessons and they didn't laugh and told me to go for it.
Life is in the ordinary moments (I told H this when we talked before he walked out but he doesn't see it). I probably saw this on an Oprah special but it rings true for me.
I don't think you can force yourself to get excited all of a sudden especially from a situation like this one.
I use what I call yoga wisdom to get through the day. Sometimes its day by day, other times its hour by hour. I consciously ask myself to find something good in the day, only one thing. Then I hope that it snowballs into feeling better.
I also like the lines in the poem Invictus: "I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul." I repeat the lines to myself as a mantra especially when I'm having a hard time.
About changing yourself - a counsellor told me that yes, humans can change but if I decide to change solely for H and not be true to myself then to keep him I'd have to keep this change and would have to pretend for the rest of my life (she asked whether I was prepared to keep a fake self up for 30+ years). Not easy advice to take because all I want is H back now (never have any patience for anything).
I don't have any children myself but from a daughter's perspective I can speak about the changes I've seen in my mom in the last 5-10 years. When my sister and I were growing up, mom didn't have any time for herself - it was work, clean, cook and repeat. In these last years at work (she retires from teaching this year), she's become friends with one of the art teachers (female) and they now go to museums, restaurants, etc. Mom wouldn't have done any of this when she was younger. She now enjoys weird modern art. She took a chance on trying new things. Her new philosophy is that she'll try anything at least once.
Maybe you can try something new in little steps. If you don't like it then you don't have to try it again. It might lead you to discover joy in unexpected places. I know that it has for me and it has for my mom.
