raliced!!! Thanks so much. Your input was so valuable, objective, and it makes so much sense. It is so hard to think logically when I am in the thick of things. I am pleased that I took the time and did not answer emotionally. Interestingly, the lack of emotion in my email is translating into a healthy detachment about the whole matter. I feel like I can go home and face them all with a broad smile across my face. Here is the final draft: "As you are recovering from your surgery, you may sleep in the master bedroom while you recuperate. Speedy recovery, RAI"
I specified how long: "while you recuperate". and I specified the reason for the switch: "As you are recovering from your surgery".
I am done over-analyzing now . Thanks again for looking out for me.
I made it over the last hurdle - having my hostile ILs stay in my home while my W recuperated from her nasal surgery. The ILs left without much incident. I pretty much ignored them and they ignored me. Showed off my PMA as much as possible. The little interaction they had with me was petty and antagonistic. Also, my MIL told S13 that his school is a joke and he needs to get out and see the real world (whatever that is). He was so insulted. At least he saw my MILs true face. ILs shower money and gifts on my children, but have no idea how to love them and barely spent time with them. I know raliced and others have succeeded in maintaining relationships with ILs, but my ILs are really nasty people. I would hope to never have to see them again.
Now the next hurdle: I let my W sleep in MB on the ground floor temporarily, while she recuperated. In the meantime, I am sleeping in my D's room. However, it has been over a week and W has not vacated the MB. I asked her why and she said that her doc told her she cannot climb or go down stairs. The surgery was over a week ago. Frankly, I don't believe W when she says she can't return to her room. I think she is savoring having MB all to herself and will make a grab for even more time in MB. I want my room back. Any suggestions on how to approach it?
Also, it's official. My W officially filed for D 2 days ago. My L looked it up on the court website, but I have not been officially notified. It's funny: in many ways I need to move forward with D, and be physically separated from my W, for my own peace of mind and detachment process. I should be welcoming the filing. Yet, hearing the new was pretty devastating. I am trying to dwell on the past less and less, but I still can't believe it has come to this. nevertheless, I feel a lot better now that I have gotten this off my chest.
When I was in college, I took a course on the roaring 20's. I recall my teacher telling us about a new psychology movement (conscious autosuggestion - according to wikipedia) that had people saying the mantra "Every day, in every way, I'm getting better and better". The phrase just popped into my head after many years. It's true.
I know raliced and others have succeeded in maintaining relationships with ILs, but my ILs are really nasty people. I would hope to never have to see them again.
It's true that I have a good relationship with my ILs and that I encourage others here to do the same, but that is with the caveat that the ILs are good people who aren't sure how to behave. That's not the case with you. You're doing the right thing by keeping them at polite arms length.
Originally Posted By: RAI
Now the next hurdle: I let my W sleep in MB on the ground floor temporarily, while she recuperated. In the meantime, I am sleeping in my D's room. However, it has been over a week and W has not vacated the MB. I asked her why and she said that her doc told her she cannot climb or go down stairs. The surgery was over a week ago. Frankly, I don't believe W when she says she can't return to her room. I think she is savoring having MB all to herself and will make a grab for even more time in MB. I want my room back. Any suggestions on how to approach it?
When does she have her follow up appt? That should be when the restrictions are officially lifted. You're a doctor - can you ask an ENT colleague what the standard recuperation time is for whatever was done?
Wow! So much fear in the LBS. I noticed my W is again using the stairs and appears to be back at full strength. The kids asked where I am sleeping tonight and I told them my room, in front of my W. I took new sheets out to make the bed. She became visibly angry. Later she confronted me and asked why I get to make the rules. I told her that she is having an A so she has given up the marital BR. She asked why we can't alternate, citing a hollow concern that it will look bad to the kids. I told her that as long as I still live in this house and it is the MBR, I am sleeping in it (or something like that). She is really angry. I don't know what she is going to do. The ILs have empowered her and she feels entitled to everything. I don't feel that way. She literally wants a new van out of the D and wants the house for free. My L thinks she is nuts. I am trying not to show it but I am pretty worried that she will try something obnoxious tomorrow, like try to kick me out of MBR or unleash her L on me again. There are a lot of what ifs in my mind right now. I don't know how I am going to sleep tonight.
Thanks raliced, for the advice and thanks OTW, for the vote of confidence.
Today was a rough day. I was served D papers at work today. Why at work? She did not have to do that to me. I was expecting them and I know that nothing has really changed, but it still hurts. I skimmed through the papers. I am amazed at the language. I feel like I am being charged with a crime. I am amazed at how low she is stooping and how malicious her camp has become. I must admit, I had a mini-meltdown, but I was able to recover and actually do my work. I did not eat much and I am pretty exhausted. I feel really weak. A friend put it into perspective for me. It is a grieving process. Every step of the way is a reminder of things lost that will never return. Intellectually I understand that I will get through this and find happiness on the other end, but viscerally I don't feel it at all right now. Instead, my mind is clouded with fears of the unknown.
Speaking of fears, I have a sneaking suspicion that W is positioning herself to take back the MB. I am quite paranoid these days, I'll admit, but she was back in the MB when I got home from work a few days ago. She fell asleep there until the late evening, then she went to the basement while I was putting the kids to bed. I think she has been further empowered by the ILs recent visit. If I kick her out again, she can accuse me of being the villain to the kids. She has no compunction lying about me and word has spread to my hometown (600 miles away) that I am threatening her life and cutting off her money (both lies, obviously).
I don't hold much sway over her these days and I am not sure what I will be able to do if she physically returns to the MB. Does anyone have any advice?
So emotionally and physically drained. I have finally filed a reports with our local police regarding OM harassing me. I did it yesterday, but I wish I had done it sooner. OM is not aware of the report. The officer was surprisingly sympathetic. I feel like now every time I am harassed, I can call and add additional reports.
Weird how things happen: Just as I was finishing my report to the officer, I was called by our front office and told that someone is here for me with legal papers to sign. It was the process server. As I mentioned in a previous post, my L felt it was a low blow for my W to serve me at work.
All in all it was a weird morning with me strolling through the hospital with a uniformed police officer and then being served in our waiting room with D papers. I must have caused more than a few raised eyebrows yesterday. I suppose people are going to find out eventually.
Does anyone have an opinion on whether to disclose the D to co-workers? timing and manner in which it is disclosed? It would be nice to dispel rumors before they accumulate.
Just had a good cry. It was a long time coming. Feels like the tears are always bubbling just beneath the surface.
I was talking to my sister an hour ago and I lamented that I could not call my late Father, of blessed memory. I really had the urge to speak to him. He passed 5 years ago. I miss him so much - all the more so when I am in despair.
When my late Father passed we saw a huge rainbow, so whenever we see a rainbow we feel my Father's presence. Since my Father's passing, I have only seen rainbows a handful of times. My sister just called me back to tell me that she saw the most beautiful rainbow where she lives. Hence the cry. I am so thankful for my family and friends. I truly feel loved. Thanks Dad, for looking out for me. I miss you.
I am not sure why my fears get the best of me, but they really do. I keep telling myself that nothing has really changed, but each day feels like a new challenge. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other.
I have been dealing with this since August 2013. I'm just so tired.
RAI, all that you're going through is par for the course my friend, so let those tears flow. I BAWLED when I got served. For about 45 minutes. Just BAWLED like a squealing newborn baby. Convulsed, snotted, the works.
It's like an injury healing, only each step of the way rips the scab off and shoves a finger in it. As far as I can tell you're doing a great job by coming here an being honest and letting yourself experience the awfulness of it all. Denial is part of the coping strategy too, so any step that further's the course towards full D shatters a bit of that denial.
Each shattering has a new set of emotions, trauma, and tears.
As for telling your co-workers, I'd just be honest and humble. You're not the first person to get a D, and I found when I just came right out and said it I got more support than I ever imagined. People get it. It's awful and their hearts will go out to you. Divorce is not the anomaly it was in the past.
Keep rising above my friend!
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
. Thanks again for looking out for me.