Struggling

[NYGal]

It's like they are in Disneyland or denial about how things work

My counsellor keeps telling me I'm learning and growing and that I have a lot of positives I just need to start believing in myself like when we first started dating

My W even said there are 8000 reasons why a relationship with that other person won't work. But believe nothing that you hear, right?

A friend reminded me that I'm still that person she fell so in love with 9 years ago. The affair fog must be so thick.

[NYGal]

I'm just journaling here

Like I said this time last year we were packing for Hawaii and for a Xmas present as a suprised she bought me a tour of pearl harbour because she knew it was something I always wanted to do as a kid that shows love and now I don't even know her anymore

We went to Pearl Harbor too. I think it was the day after Xmas. I don't even know her anymore either. Who abducted these women we love???

[inpain]

I'm just journaling here

Like I said this time last year we were packing for Hawaii and for a Xmas present as a suprised she bought me a tour of pearl harbour because she knew it was something I always wanted to do as a kid that shows love and now I don't even know her anymore

It's crazy isn't it Imlucky. I sit bewildered at things H did this year too and it makes me feel like he was pretending for a long time before BD. My H bought me the most gorgeous anniversary gift ten days before announcing he didn't love me anymore and we were closer on our holiday three weeks before BD than we'd been for a long time. That I'm sitting here alone now just doesn't make sense.

I think because New Years Eve is a time for reflection and resolution we are all really struggling in these awful situations we find ourselves in.

[Imlucky]

Well i had a brief conversation with W after 3 weeks

She tells me i need to move on and that when we talk it upsets her and she feels like shes never going to be free.
I acknowldged her feelings and she did respond that she knows im open to R and counselling . I thanked her for acknowledging that.

I guess my only option now is to just keep dark and moving on. To be a better person and to learn from my mistakes. Living apart has helped me see how neediness can be a unappealing quality.

I really dont know what she is thinking anymore it is like there is a no connection anymore.

Its hard to remain postive when it seems hopeless. I guess at the moment its she chose separation as an answer to suit her needs and wants and walked away. She managed to blame me for everything that was wrong in our marriage and her life. I also got the re write of our marriage focusing on negatives, all the positive and my good points seem to be forgotten/lost.

I really thought we could work through issues and be a better couple. I knew we needed help i asked to go to counselling/coaching together.

I read sometime they come back after youve let go and i think if i get to that stage i wont be there. The gap just seems to get wider the less contact we have. Maybe that what detaching is. The ability to clearly be unaffected by the other persons actions or words. Its the ability to have no emotions tied into it.
I dont need her to complete me or make me happy. I did want her to share my life and be a team, that we had something great before we got bogged down with everything compounded by our lack of communication and inability to resolve issues.

[Bfice3]

Hey Imlucky,

Just stopping in to commiserate with you. This whole thing [censored]. My wife is moving on without me also. I don't know the definition of detachment exactly, as its being revealed slowly every day more and more. I started yesterday trying to force myself to not keep checking up on whatever small things I can online looking at my W. (Facebook, email, match.com profile, etc...)

I remembered today some things that happened back when we were still together. How there was one day when we riding in the car all together as a family and my wife just broke down in tears all of a sudden in the car. At the time I knew it was weird...but didn't understand. Now, I think it was probably a pretty clear indicator that she was doing something and having some kind of affair at the time.

The more I can 'detach' (again whatever that means) the more I am slowly starting to understand that truly my W has no interest in doing or providing any type of emotional connection to me. In fact, its much worse than that. She's thrown me out, and is blaming me for her problems.

Right now, I'm trying to prepare myself for the moment when I actually see her with another man. And really, just any other possibility I can come up with where I may be hurt by her. By preparing myself...I feel like it helps me detach. I can't change how I feel about my wife...but I can change how I act and I how I respond to her. And that's what I'm trying to work on.

The first step for me, was learning just how co-dependent on her I was. And I owe that realization to this site.

You're right, and I understand exactly your feelings about the gap growing wider and wider. Its not in your control. You have to come to accept that notion. It [censored] buddy, it [censored] hard.

But you sound like a reasonable guy, you'll be okay man.

[- MB -]

Brad,
I'm very sorry that this is happening to you. You mentioned that you sold your house and then moved into an apartment and your W moved somewhere else. Were you having problems before you sold your house? Is that why you sold your house? You also mentioned that you have kiddos, how old are they?
Is your wife with an OM?

The first thing you have to remember is not to believe anything she says and only half of what she does. Just because she is telling you to move on and that it's over, doesn't mean that it is. You can continue to work on the marriage without her. She sounds like she's confused and not really sure what she wants. That being the case, what she wants and thinks can change from day to day. You're doing the right thing by going to IC and working on yourself. That way you will be the best you that you can be whether it's to move on with your W, or to move on without her. Either way, it's a great time for you to work on yourself and make yourself happy.

It does sound like you're detaching. That is something that I haven't been successful at, but I do keep trying. As I feel myself pulling away from him (detaching), it scares me and then I seem to re-attach. I guess I'm afraid that when I detach from him, he will decide to come back and I will not want him. That's what scares me because I really don't want to move on without him. Of course, none of this seems to be about what I want...only what HE wants. I am growing very tired of that . I won't start off on that rant though!

My H also rewrote our marriage history. He has somehow blamed ME for everything that has ever happened to him in his whole life. Pretty sure he even blames me for things from before we even met. LOL. Whatever! He can rewrite all he wants I just don't argue with him because it gets me nowhere. I know what our marriage was like and he will never convince me that I'm to blame for all of this. I know I wasn't perfect, but I also know that most of this was him. I was willing to accept the blame and work on fixing things with him because that is what I do-fix things. He already has OW though and seems deep in the affair fog. He gets so upset when he's around me that he actually has panic attacks and will walk away, get in his car and leave because he just can't take the stress and anxiety. Then, of course, it's my fault and clearly I'm killing him. Sigh......

I also am doing NC with my H. Not really what I want, but he won't talk to me so I'm just going along with it and working on myself. I once went for 5 weeks without seeing him and he wanted to get back together. That lasted 12 days. . I'm currently doing NC again and it's been 3 weeks. I know he won't contact me and I'm not sure when I will contac him. He is still with OW and that just rips my. Heart out. NC is really hard, but I am trying to GAL and stay busy. It's hardest for me when I'm home alone because I just can't turn my mind off.

I hope you're doing okay today. I'm glad you stopped by and posted on my thread. Let me know how it's going for you.

[Imlucky]

I'm posting on my thread to just get things out there

today I'm a mess i read a post that bought up stuff that has affected me and been told my wife is out on dating sites like i meant nothing

i don't know about what constitutes abuse and what is just conflict

i used to say i felt bullied or walking on eggshells. ive had the silent treatment for days, had hot coffee thrown on me and spat on, locked out of the house.theres probably more but it brings up so much pain, thinking and going in circles

i haven't told anyone this stuff except my counsellor. i always wanted to make things better and change things. a year ago we were on Hawaii and swimming and telling me she loved me and lots of fun and affection. this year its who are you?

i don't write as well as others and maybe not offering help. i just feel like damaged goods. i really loved this girl and tried so hard to make things better. ive been to counselling reading books getting out and active , then come weekends and I'm struggling.


im going to make a cuppa and just sit outside in the sun and hopefully bounce back

[Phoebe]

I'm sorry that you're having tough day. I have them myself.

Remember: No matter what she says or does, you are not damaged goods. You are a good person who is in a very difficult situation, and you're trying your best.

When a person we love chooses to walk away it makes us question our own worth, but we're still the good people we were BEFORE they walked away. No one is perfect, but we're trying, and that has to matter.

I will say that spitting on another human being is a pretty despicable act, but that reflects badly on her, not on you. At all.

Chin up, mister! I'm pulling for you.

I strongly believe in the power of distraction and self-care, and enjoying a cuppa in the sun surely fits the bill. Hang in there and try to keep yourself busy.

[- MB -]

Brad,
I'm sorrry that you've been having a hard time. I hope you're feeling better now. If it was my post that upset you, then I'm truly sorry. It upset me when I wrote it, and I thought it wouldn't bother me so much to talk about it. I guess when something happens, it's just one event, but when you're writing about several of them and telling everyone how your life has been, it's hard to reflect on everything all at once and not be affected. I really am sorry if my post contributed to your bad day though. And, then to find out that your W is on dating websites, that's got to be hard.

I used to say I felt bullied or walking on eggshells, I've had the silent treatment for days, had hot coffee thrown on me and spat on, locked out of the house

All of those things are abusive. The silent treatment, coffee, being spat on, and being locked out are all either physical or emotional abuse. The feeling like you have to walk on eggshells happens after you've been abused. You're trying to not make her mad because you don't want her to do anything else to hurt you. It's sad that someone thinks they have he right to treat another person this way. I really hate that you have had to go through that. You didn't deserve it. No one does. Your W needs help to figure out why she thinks she has the right to do that to someone. Like you, I also feel like damaged goods. I just keep reminding myself that my H did those things to me because of HIS problems. It was about him, not about me. The same goes for you. I'm glad you're in counseling to work through everything. Hopefully your IC will help you realize that you didn't do anything to deserve that treatment, your W has problems and it was all about her problems, it had nothing to do with you. You are a caring, compassionate, loving, wonderful man and you deserve to have someone in your life that appreciates those things about you. Keep your head up, you will get through this and will find the happiness that you deserve.

[Imlucky]

Well time for an update

After no contact for 6months my wife called me and asked to meet me for dinner
The conversation was her telling me she still loves me and wants to start dating again and rebuild our relationship

Some observations from the talk are
She is happy I remained faithful and didn't sleep with another person,
She apologised for some of the things that happened
She is afraid I could end up being the one to walk

I'm still seeing a counsellor and we had started preparing for divorce I really thought she would never talk to me again my counselling had been about doing the work to heal and learn and be ready to date after things were finalised

I'm using this as a journal and a place to keep check of my progress
I'm hopeful but part of me is wary and scared of getting hurt again

Brad