Here again after 9 years and struggling

[Rouky]

I fully agree with Flight. My IC told me to think about something that makes me happy when I think about H. The only thing I found out was reading a sci-fi book.

[inpain]

Hmmm. You're as isolated as I am, I see. I do have a car though, which helps a little. Nights after kids are asleep is your lonely time. You probably use this online forum most at that time, for the same reason I do then. How about exploring interest related online forums? Taking some free online classes? Libraries and other groups have them. It might help get your mind somewhere else and open new doors for you?

Yes, you're right, I'm very isolated and yes I do use the forum most when the kids are in bed. The online classes sound like a good idea though, thank you.

[inpain]

Hi Inpain, the following is some really unhealthy thinking:

I listened to other people who told me they wouldn't stand for it and I should tell him to go if he didn't love me, and look where that got me. He left and never wants to come back. I feel so guilty that I have done this to my children, H gave me a chance to show him we could be different as he was undecided and instead of grabbing that chance and running with it I destroyed any chance we ever had. I will regret it forever.

On every level, this is the kind of thinking that gets you stuck.

1. He did this to you, you did nothing to him. Why in the world are you blaming yourself? What YOU did to your children??? HE is the one who is doing this. What "chance" did he give you? You are turning all this around as if you are the guilty party.

Hi Flight, thank you so much for posting and reading my post, I really appreciate all the help I can get.

I think like this as H said he did everything to avoid this happening. At the end of September when he first dropped the ILYBNILWY bomb he wanted to see if we could get on better so that he could decide whether to leave or stay. It sent me into a total melt down and I just wanted to R talk all the time and I was so on edge I was very snappy. After 4 weeks of him being on a course and basically doing nothing but eat and sleep when he got home we had a huge row where he told me again he didn't love me and I got upset and angry and told him to leave if he didn't love me. He did. That's why I blame myself. If I'd have DBd when he said ILYBNILWY I don't think he'd have left.

2. He is his own human being capable of making his own decisions. DB techniques aren't supposed to be manipulation. You have expectations of creating a certain outcome by manipuating your behavior and/or his. That doesn't work. No one has a crystal ball that can predict that if you just say or do the "right" thing, they will magically wake up and do what you want.

I am hoping that yes, you're right. I want to show him that we could make it work. Reading all these self help books makes me see how it could work if he gave it a little chance and I just don't know how a person can give up when it means losing your home and your kids and everything you've worked for for 19 years. I do see what you're saying about H being his own person capable of making his own mind up. Clearly he is a lot stronger than I am because I could never, ever do what he is doing.

I know some of this may just be the depression thinking coming out. I hope you don't really believe any of that paragraph. Hand in there.

I'm afraid I believe every word of it. Maybe H has manipulated me into thinking it is all my fault, I don't know, but I know it was me who told him to leave. If I hadn't said that maybe he'd still be here trying to figure things out. Which would be much easier to try to DB than this current situation.

[inpain]

I fully agree with Flight. My IC told me to think about something that makes me happy when I think about H. The only thing I found out was reading a sci-fi book.

Thanks Rouky. I haven't managed to find anything yet that takes my mind off H. I have not had the slightest interest in my hobbies since he left, in fact since he said ILYBNILWY actually. My heart just isn't in them.

[Rouky]

My heart is still not fully in but I forced myself as in Feb it'll be one year since I found out about the A on Valentines Day amongst all days! It'll come I have been feeling a bit better only recently. Go with the flow. Just do one thing a week or every other week if you want. Just to take your mind off for a couple of hours.

[inpain]

My heart is still not fully in but I forced myself as in Feb it'll be one year since I found out about the A on Valentines Day amongst all days! It'll come I have been feeling a bit better only recently. Go with the flow. Just do one thing a week or every other week if you want. Just to take your mind off for a couple of hours.

Oh Rouky, how awful to find out on Valentine's day.

I guess I am trying to run before I can walk if you say you are only recently starting to feel a bit better and it's almost a year whereas H only moved out 7 weeks ago. I say only, it feels like an entire lifetime.

[inpain]

We all went out for breakfast this morning. I think next time H says I can come along too I am going to decline. This morning did nothing but upset me.

For the first 15 minutes or so H did this thing he has done since he left where every time he has to look in my direction while turning his head from one place to another to look at something (talk to one of our children the other side of me for example) he closes his eyes at the point where his eyes would meet mine. He does it every single time. Has anyone else noticed this in their WAS??? Anyway, so he did that for at least the first 15 minutes. S & D went off to the play area in the place where we were having breakfast at one point and then H did actually look at me and make conversation with me. He talked about his work and asked me if I'd mind putting his washing in our machine while he is at work (he keeps coming round to do his washing as there isn't a machine where he's living). I said I would (I know). Then he asked if I wanted a cheap tumble dryer to go in our shed. I said I didn't, I've never had one and my Mum has one she barely uses so I'm happier with drying on the line or radiators. He then said the strangest thing. He said his work clothes can be tumble dried. Why do I need a tumble drier to dry his work clothes if he's divorcing me?!?!?! Totally blew DBing because I was so stunned I calmly said, "Well, that is not much good to me unless you're thinking of coming home." He just pulled a 'yeah, good point' kind of face and then we talked about something else. Really want to analyse that comment as meaning he still might come home.

He is coming round to see the kids again in the morning as then he won't be able to see them until Sunday due to his shifts.

The impending New Year is making me feel sick to the stomach. I've invited my parents round for a meal and usually they then stay to see the new year in. I know I'm going to cry. I am just so devastated at how this year has gone and what is there to look forward to next year except more and more pain and being served with divorce papers. I really want to write H a letter. I know. I know it's not recommended. I just feel so lost, alone, hopeless and helpless and yes I want him to rethink what he's doing. He says it's too late because I asked him to leave but I gave him another chance twice when there was OW involved. Why is it too much to ask to be given a chance myself?

[Zues126]

Letter is a bad idea. I know you know this...but we are all tempted to become letter writers, and without fail they all are completely catastrophic. I challenge you to find ONE DBer that said something good came from a 'final appeal' letter.

Get back to believing none of what he says and half of what he does. I get it, I swear I'm not making fun of you. But to think that he actually left because you kicked him out? No. Look at how hard you're fighting for your M. He did more to push you away and you are standing by your M. My point is that nobody walks from a M because their spouse asks them to leave. The walk for one reason: THEY WANT TO. If he says it is about your request then it is because he wants you to feel guilty or hurt, or it is in some other way manipulative. It simply isn't true.

Same with the tumble dry. Could've been habit, temp checking, or who knows what. Don't try to understand someone that is borderline crazy. In order to understand him you'd have to go crazy first and then you'd be no good to anyone.

You don't deserve another chance. You deserve a lifelong commitment. And you don't ever deserve to be cheated on. Unfortunately in this world we don't always get what we deserve.

All I can say is that the first 90 days after BD are just obscenely difficult emotions. Please know they won't continue. It will get easier. Just keep posting, keep venting, and avoid doing anything to make your sitch worse. Survival is the new success.

[Rouky]

Oh Inpain. I don't know what to say. There is so much you can take. I have to say that it made me smile when you H said it was too late as you asked him to leave. See how he is putting the blame on you. Let me guess he didn't try to make you change your mind. Like my H, I truly believe that they are cowards and that we made the decision for them.

TBH I remember regretting kicking him out, but not anymore. I don't like who he has become. I can feel little by little the door closing and I'm no longer dreading the D word.

It's sad that it has to come to this end, but I don't want to suffer anymore. I don't want to be unhappy anymore. I'm only 40 and still have a life ahead of me.

Hang in there Inpain, I'll walk the road with you and if you stumble I'll pick you up. Have faith

[inpain]

Letter is a bad idea. I know you know this...but we are all tempted to become letter writers, and without fail they all are completely catastrophic. I challenge you to find ONE DBer that said something good came from a 'final appeal' letter.

I know you're right Zues126. I just read so much in DR that makes me think, "If only he read these words it would make him think." Plus I have so many unanswered thoughts and worries and questions and things I want to say. I'm just so stuck in wanting out of this situation and have my H love me again. This pain is unbearable.

Get back to believing none of what he says and half of what he does. I get it, I swear I'm not making fun of you. But to think that he actually left because you kicked him out? No. Look at how hard you're fighting for your M. He did more to push you away and you are standing by your M. My point is that nobody walks from a M because their spouse asks them to leave. The walk for one reason: THEY WANT TO. If he says it is about your request then it is because he wants you to feel guilty or hurt, or it is in some other way manipulative. It simply isn't true.

Zues126 thank you so much for this - the way you have written this really makes me see that I am a fool to think this way. You are so right. He has done so many things to me that would have made other people throw in the towel (and throw him out) and yet, as you say, I have always fought FOR the M and still am. Yes, I really need to see that he just doesn't want me or love me at all. I wish I knew how long for because I feel like everything I've known for years has been a lie.

Same with the tumble dry. Could've been habit, temp checking, or who knows what. Don't try to understand someone that is borderline crazy. In order to understand him you'd have to go crazy first and then you'd be no good to anyone.

Good point!

You don't deserve another chance. You deserve a lifelong commitment. And you don't ever deserve to be cheated on. Unfortunately in this world we don't always get what we deserve.

This actually made me cry because you're right, that is what we all deserve and I think when I look back H hasn't given me what I deserve for a long time yet somehow has managed to make me believe it is me and all my fault.

All I can say is that the first 90 days after BD are just obscenely difficult emotions. Please know they won't continue. It will get easier. Just keep posting, keep venting, and avoid doing anything to make your sitch worse. Survival is the new success.

I have to just keep holding on to that thought that it will get better. I can't see it right now but hearing from those of you who are further down the line helps me to know it must be true. Right now I'm in a deep, dark cave with no torch and no matches.