Here again after 9 years and struggling

[tl2]

I don't see how there can be an end to this loneliness.

Neither did I. But there is. It's not quick. It's not easy. But there is an end to it, and the path to get there is worth taking.

I know the pain seems unbearable at times. I've been there. Occasionally still get flashbacks

Detachment helps. GAL helps.

How do you get a life when you have no spare money and 2 children to look after?

Years ago, at BD 1, we had just moved to a new town, had no spare money. 2 children to look after as well. My W was going through OM withdrawal and was not much use most of the time.

I exercised. Jogged to be specific. Cost nothing except maybe wore out my sneakers faster. Great, great stress reliever. Got me in better shape...which made me feel better, gave me more confidence...etc.

The kids got involved in church stuff and scouts...and eventually sports (soccer, basketball, baseball, etc.). So a lot of that I counted as GAL for me because I got involved in that stuff...helped organize things, did the pinewood derby, went to den meetings and helped out, etc. That involved socializing with other parents in the process so was something to keep me busy.

Used the library. Read books on things that interested me. Learned new things, etc. Used the thrift store to find stuff for kids cheap, went fishing at the local public fishing lake (not free, but pretty cheap).

I volunteered at church for things to help where needed. If church isn't your thing can also volunteer at library, school, community center, etc.

When all else failed...I thought of my kids. I dug down and found ways to be there for them, to get myself out of the funk because they didn't need to see that. They still needed to be kids, and while I couldn't pretend things were not difficult, I always end up feeling like I have to do what I can to lead them through it, to show them a positive way through it.

[melweb]

Great advice here tl2. I am in the same boat. New city= no friends or family. No money= well, no money.

I have been to the library a few times, and started church a month or so ago.
The library has a book club, that I am going to join, and the church has a Divorce Care support group. I am not technically either of those, but I don't think they will ban me.

Also, when kids were little, we went to a lot of playgrounds. Those things are free.

[ciluzen]

Sorry today is so horrible, IP. I think we're going to have ups and extreme downs for awhile.

All of those ideas that others have are great. Why not just get your google on for your area? Type your town, city, neighborhood etc in and use as many key words as you can; free family activities, free kids classes, free kids activities, mommy groups, play groups,etc. Museums, parks,local schools, kid oriented stores...all often have free or inexpensive activities for families usually.

Can H or his father take kids once in a while so that you can GAL on your own? That might even count as a 180. I dunno. Worth a think!

[inpain]

Hi inpain. I'm very new to this, so I don't have much in the way of advice or answers. I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for your situation, and you're not alone.

Personally, I would skip the breakfast. Might be best to let the kids have some time with Dad, and work on detaching.

Hi JZ109 and thank you for posting, I really appreciate you taking the time. It does help with loneliness to come on here and see that someone replied. Sorry you're here too, I'll have a read of your situation.

I ended up going to breakfast but wished I hadn't as it made me feel worse.

[inpain]

Years ago, at BD 1, we had just moved to a new town, had no spare money. 2 children to look after as well. My W was going through OM withdrawal and was not much use most of the time.

I exercised. Jogged to be specific. Cost nothing except maybe wore out my sneakers faster. Great, great stress reliever. Got me in better shape...which made me feel better, gave me more confidence...etc.

The kids got involved in church stuff and scouts...and eventually sports (soccer, basketball, baseball, etc.). So a lot of that I counted as GAL for me because I got involved in that stuff...helped organize things, did the pinewood derby, went to den meetings and helped out, etc. That involved socializing with other parents in the process so was something to keep me busy.

Used the library. Read books on things that interested me. Learned new things, etc. Used the thrift store to find stuff for kids cheap, went fishing at the local public fishing lake (not free, but pretty cheap).

I volunteered at church for things to help where needed. If church isn't your thing can also volunteer at library, school, community center, etc.

When all else failed...I thought of my kids. I dug down and found ways to be there for them, to get myself out of the funk because they didn't need to see that. They still needed to be kids, and while I couldn't pretend things were not difficult, I always end up feeling like I have to do what I can to lead them through it, to show them a positive way through it.

Thank you tl2 for all of the GAL suggestions, I really appreciate you taking the time to answer me.

I am doing things with my kids during the day and we're cuddling up watching films in the evening. It is when they go to bed that I am lost and so lonely. I can't see how to combat that part of life. I guess I see GAL as doing something different to what I already do.

[inpain]

Great advice here tl2. I am in the same boat. New city= no friends or family. No money= well, no money.

I have been to the library a few times, and started church a month or so ago.
The library has a book club, that I am going to join, and the church has a Divorce Care support group. I am not technically either of those, but I don't think they will ban me.

Also, when kids were little, we went to a lot of playgrounds. Those things are free.

Thanks melweb, I really appreciate you taking the time to post. I live in a little village with scant train and bus service so it is a realy struggle. We don't have a library or anything. Just a tiny shop selling sweets and newspapers. I feel very isolated. I guess if H does actually go ahead and D me I am going to have to sort out a car somehow. Another thing to add to the list of worries as that will be another expense! I am keeping busy with my kids but the 4 year age gap makes it tricky as S11 has got the stage where he doesn't actually want to move at all! I'm finding the nights are the worst, when the kids have gone to bed and I am all alone staring at H's empty chair.

[inpain]

Sorry today is so horrible, IP. I think we're going to have ups and extreme downs for awhile.

Yes, I think you're right. It is going to be a long, long road.

All of those ideas that others have are great. Why not just get your google on for your area? Type your town, city, neighborhood etc in and use as many key words as you can; free family activities, free kids classes, free kids activities, mommy groups, play groups,etc. Museums, parks,local schools, kid oriented stores...all often have free or inexpensive activities for families usually.

Hi Ciluzen, thanks for posting, I really appreciate it. It's not so much the finding things to do, it's the getting there. We live in a small village and the bus and train service is very infrequent. You really need a car to live here and H has that for work almost every day.

Can H or his father take kids once in a while so that you can GAL on your own? That might even count as a 180. I dunno. Worth a think!

Well, H's father is out of the question! He barely sees the kids, never has - he is totally not interested at all. Drops a card through the letter box on their birthdays and that is it. H is doing nothing at all other than serving himself. The last two weekends that he had off he sat at his Dad's house doing who knows what and managed to turn up for a whole hour just before they were due to go to bed. It's like he just wants out of his whole life, including his kids!

[ciluzen]

Hmmm. You're as isolated as I am, I see. I do have a car though, which helps a little. Nights after kids are asleep is your lonely time. You probably use this online forum most at that time, for the same reason I do then. How about exploring interest related online forums? Taking some free online classes? Libraries and other groups have them. It might help get your mind somewhere else and open new doors for you?

[tl2]

It is when they go to bed that I am lost and so lonely. I can't see how to combat that part of life.

For me I just had to go through it. It hurts. And it svcks!

I realized I couldn't make the pain go away. I could get my mind off of it. And I could just feel it (as my IC advised) and realize it's having an effect on me and it changes us to some degree...might as well try and exert some control so we are at least changed for the better...kind of like what they teach you about falling into a fast current...if you try and fight the current, you'll exhaust yourself and drown. But if you let the current carry you while you simply steer yourself toward shore, then something that was endangering you ends up helping you because of your smart thinking.

I guess I see GAL as doing something different to what I already do.

You're right. You should definitely have something that is all about you

[Flight]

Hi Inpain, the following is some really unhealthy thinking:

I listened to other people who told me they wouldn't stand for it and I should tell him to go if he didn't love me, and look where that got me. He left and never wants to come back. I feel so guilty that I have done this to my children, H gave me a chance to show him we could be different as he was undecided and instead of grabbing that chance and running with it I destroyed any chance we ever had. I will regret it forever.

On every level, this is the kind of thinking that gets you stuck.

1. He did this to you, you did nothing to him. Why in the world are you blaming yourself? What YOU did to your children??? HE is the one who is doing this. What "chance" did he give you? You are turning all this around as if you are the guilty party.

2. He is his own human being capable of making his own decisions. DB techniques aren't supposed to be manipulation. You have expectations of creating a certain outcome by manipuating your behavior and/or his. That doesn't work. No one has a crystal ball that can predict that if you just say or do the "right" thing, they will magically wake up and do what you want.

I know some of this may just be the depression thinking coming out. I hope you don't really believe any of that paragraph. Hand in there.