Unfortunately, there isn't a "one size fits all" answer here. Every split family faces these problems. My family faces the same issues. So far, the X's have been cooperative. We have a family tradition that started when my grandparents were a young couple, and meet on Christmas Eve to celebrate and open gifts. Then the separate families have Christmas day to do their own thing. Growing up, Christmas Eve was always my favorite time, and so it has been for my children and grandchildren.
My suggestion would be to talk to your W about setting a day for who gets what day, and stick to it from now on. It is disrespectful to the extended families who have to switch their plans around one person who continues to change things at the last minute. Give her first choice and then whatever day you get your child, make it work. Christmas can be anytime! It is whatever and whenever you make it happen.
There are so many divorces and second marriages these days, until some families meet two weeks before the 25th, or a week afterwards........just getting around to all the people they have to cover. So, don't get hung up about the calendar date.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Well just going to journal a bit here. Last couple days were tough, my W took D2 up to her grandmother's house on Wednesday, as she couldn't stay the weekend because it was going to be bad weather. She had her for Christmas Eve. I got all the present wrapped yesterday. Had some bouts of crying here and there as I was sad this christmas didn't feel complete, and just kind of cobbled together. Went out with friends last night and played darts, had a few drinks, then came home to get some rest. W brought D2 back around 11:45a. She dropped her off, seemed very exhausted and tired, didn't wear make up, or do her hair. She seemed somewhat distressed by something. She kept checking her phone messages while talking to me, and I could visibly see she was tearing up. We said goodbye, and agreed to at some point discuss when we would swap again, and then left it at that. Brought D2 in, and she went through and opened all her presents. Got her a little play kitchen, a scooter, clothes, Frozen toys. We spent most of the afternoon playing together. Just put her down for a nap as she was pretty tired. Relieved to have her back this afternoon and for the next couple of days. Still, things have been tough.
Me:36 W: 27 D2 T10 M:2.5 Filed D 1/14/16 BD: Sep 15 A Discovered: 11/17/15 She moves out 11/19/15
Hi Nate, I am not caught up on your situation, but it sounds like you had a nice Christmas with your daughter. You are so early on in this, and holidays are hard for all of us. I am 10 months in and struggling with Christmas, I can't imagine how much more difficult it is for you. The important thing is you made nice memories with your daughter and tomorrow will be a fresh day. Hang in, you are in for a long ride. One day at a time, Nate. Now that she is napping is there something you can do to nurture yourself? Exercise or listen to music or call a friend? Something to help you feel like a "person" outside of your problems?
Hey peeps Had fun with my boys tonight. They definitely don't support my feelings to try and restore marriage. For them, if it happens 3x, it happens a 4th, 5th, 6th time. My friend played some really good songs for me tonight. I'll share them with you. This is my heartache
Have you made plans for New Year's Eve? If not, why not start thinking of a way to have a fun time......as in GAL.
There may be several times you will feel your heart just isn't into going anywhere......or doing something to GAL, however, I hope you will put some extra push around holidays and not stay home alone.
I hope you will work your calendar and always have things penciled in on special days and weekends. GAL really is effective.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi. As always, great insight. To be honest, GAL is not my problem. When I don't have my little one, I often have things to do. I have lots of friends, and was always very social and active, except for this last year when I fell into the marriage rut. I have plans for New Years. My sister will be visiting from Dallas, and we're going to go out and do some things together. My problem is realizing I have other emotions besides anger. I've never dealt with these kinds of emotions before, I didn't even realize I had them. It's changed my perspective on many things.
Music is a big deal for me. I've been a drummer since I was 10 yrs old, and can play multiple instruments. I've been trying to get back into performing live, but where I live, it's pretty dry for talent, or for the types of things I'm into. I gave up playing a few years ago when my music career fizzled out, and it's always left a bad taste in my mouth. I loved playing live, it was the ultimate high for me. It's been a huge piece that I've been missing for a long time. I got my drums out of storage, and started just banging around on my own, which has helped.
I wanted nothing more than to move back to Dallas in this next year as I have sooooooooo many friends there, and most of them are musicians, I could have easily gotten back into it there. It's caused me pain that because of this situation, that dream seems to have been shattered. I would never move away from my daughter. Sometimes I feel by what's happening in this situation, my W has essentially condemned me to staying here out of her own selfishness. Not a good feeling for me.
Me:36 W: 27 D2 T10 M:2.5 Filed D 1/14/16 BD: Sep 15 A Discovered: 11/17/15 She moves out 11/19/15
It is a really good thing that you have your music. So many guys are completely lost and have nothing to do and don't have a clue about GAL. Those are the ones who tend to be co-dependent, I think.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
