Im not sure how to write this all down. Im seperated from my wife im not sure how you time it. We sold our house to get out of debt and i went and got my own place to live
I respecting her request to be left alone and i went 3wks until she came to my unit. We did stuff together and txted while she was on school camp. When she returned about 10 days ago i got i dont know what i want and to be left alone. Im respecting that and im struggling as its my first xmas alone.
I do want to save my marriage. Ive been getting counselling/coaching and my w has shown interest in what is discussed and what im learning
Ive been doing the 180 list and im GAL and setting goals for next year
My counsellor has suggested that i remain faithful and loyal until something has been decided either way. I dont want a divorce and would like to have a better relationship. I know it takes two to make it
My mantra everyday is im only responsible for my own actions . My wife has commented on noticing changes in my behaviour and attitude. Its hard to know what to do when its radio silence .
I think i need to maintain no contact so i dont look needy or begging or argue
Thank you Brad
Me: 45 w:45
M:6yrs T:9 Separated aug 15 no contact dec 15 come back july 16 I filed for closure aug 16
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
G'Day Brad ( sorry, I couldn't help myself. I actually do a lot if business in OZ),
Merry Christmas!! I know it might not seem so Merry right now. Sorry you found yourself here, but all considered, it is a great place to be with wonderful people who will be here to support you. This entire process really stinks and it is going to be a long haul, so patience will be key. It may be a bit quiet considering it is the holidays, so you might not get a ton of other replies until Monday.
In the meantime, start reading through all of the links that Cadet sent you and jeep posting. The best advice I have is to stay focused on yourself right now. So what are those goals that you have set? Also, tell us more about what your W has said are her issues with you and your M?
Hang in there!
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Also, it would be helpful if you create a signature with your details for easy reference for others who follow you...your age, W ages, years M, kids, etc. You can create sig under My Stuff up at the top of the board.
Me: 42 H: 40 M: 12 H moved out - 8/2015 I filed - 8/2015
Its hard to say i know communication was an issue there was a lot of arguing in the end. Most of it was about issues built up over time so it never got resolved
She hasn't really explained anything she has been on and off since we sold our house and organised our own living arrangements When i go to counselling she always asks me what we talk about and issues im working on for myself
When i see or talk to her theres no anger and she will say things like she notices changes in my behaviour and misses me and im a good guy. The last time we talked she said she needed things to go slow and then she didn't know if she could do this ?
I acknowledged her statement and agreed to leave her be until she decides to talk to me
I think an i need to work on detachment and work on not trying to fix her issues im getting better at looking after my own behaviour. Thats something i can control i act happy when she sees me i haven't asked about our relationship or future. She hasn't mentioned divorce its all very up in the air
My counsellor has given me good feedback about progess she can see and has told me to focus on me that ive told my wife i want us to work and now its time to just work on goals for the future and if she wants me then i need to set boundaries so i dont go backwards on my learning and changes
Brad
Me: 45 w:45
M:6yrs T:9 Separated aug 15 no contact dec 15 come back july 16 I filed for closure aug 16
There are other issues i think " friends" and family have there advise and it just makes things harder A goal I've set in counselling is to remain commited to our marriage until something is finalized. Its time to work on me and GAL. The counselling has helped me learn from my mistakes and if i cant reconcile i can use my learning on my next relationship and set boundaries to what im willing to accept
Me: 45 w:45
M:6yrs T:9 Separated aug 15 no contact dec 15 come back july 16 I filed for closure aug 16
I made it thru christmas i didnt contact her i did have a bit of a cry missing the stuff we used to do yes blokes do have feelings too!
I think im going to have to accept i told her i wanted to work on our marriage and let it go I didnt contact her for 3 weeks then she came to my new unit for dinners and overnight stays and more has thrown me i didnt discuss R i just went with the flow, the stupid thing is she initiated all the hugs and kisses while i was tryingnot to overwhelm I think this has set me back i have my IC appt on monday ill run it past her
I think im going to have to maintain no contact for my wellbeing I think that will give her space will prevent me making things worse or appear im pushing her or being needy
Its good to be involved in a community that gets it all my friends dont get it and throw in all the usual cliches of plenty of fish blah blah blah. I think i need to focus on my issues and if we dont work out ill be in a better place for the future , lll at least know i remained committed and tried
Brad
I
Me: 45 w:45
M:6yrs T:9 Separated aug 15 no contact dec 15 come back july 16 I filed for closure aug 16
Welcome to the board, Brad, and Merry Christmas. I think you are off to a good start.
Yes, this is the best place to get support. People in real life don't want to see you hurting and will push you for an easy answer- an easy way out. DB'ing is hard work, but you will be better off in the end because you will have worked on your own issues and not bring them into your next relationship- whether it is with your W or someone else. Hang in there, there is hope, you are doing well so far. I am sorry that you are dealing with this on Christmas.
