Pink's journey - living with pain

[Pink17]

Thanks my beautiful sister Sotto and my lovely love RD,

Your words are wise and now I can accept them so freely and I understand so much more the weight that those words done on my life.

Sotto, XWH does not have my keys since august, I asked for the house keys and he was pretty surprised and I just said:

Me: XH I would like the house keys back, you do not live here anymore and it is my house after all.

XWH: Well, I guess that is the way it is.

I also changed the locks and the garage code. Now, as you know, I have teenagers and it is not an easy task to just say stay out of my house when you come to pick up the kids. Because sometimes my lazy teenagers are not ready yet, or they just want to hang out with their dad in a house.

So, I decided to accepted that, no big deal about it. After all, I am Brazilian and a Brazilian house is everyone's house. XWH gives me a schedule every 1st of the month what gives an idea of what he is doing with the kids.

What I am doing now is that I am not there. Like yesterday, I knew he was coming at 6pm, then the kids said that he texted and was going to be there by 5:30pm, so I left very fast and was not there by the time he got to get the kids, and was not there by the time he dropped them off and he knows it because he came into the house.

I feel much better this way. To tell the truth it has been a trillion times better that I am not involved in his turmoil.

I need to be strong tough, be alert of all the tricks he uses to keep me hooked up. This morning he called and texted saying that he would be late to get the kids to school and wants to make sure I was available to take them.

I ignored it all because he can call his kids directly. I won't answer anymore of his nonsenses. And I know some people would say that he was just innocent trying to solve the issue about the kids. But this is what he does once I start ignoring him and he can't see me anymore. He start inventing stuff and calling me with some stupid excuses, then the conversation goes into our R again. That's a sick cycle that I am not in a mood to get involved anymore. It is unhealthy for me and it just makes me sad. So NO, NO, NO, NO... BASTA! I had enough of all this bull and I do not need to hear him crying the milk spilled version anymore, or his Shakespearian version of how much he loves me.

XWH did this many times before and I won't fall for it anymore. If the subject is urgent, then I will do whatever it takes, but this kind of logistics issues will not get me anymore.

S21 went out with them yesterday and told me that XWH is very stressed out about work, that things are not working well for him and that he has a lot of problems to resolve. S21 said that he tried to give his opinion and XWH was just talking, not listening. S21 also said that he is in denial, he thinks that everything he does is the right thing and that everyone else is doing the wrong stuff. That he needs to be careful because people are out there to get him and destroy his career. XWH also asked about our plans for XMas and what "Mom" was planning to do. S21 said that we are still talking and have nothing decided yet (Wow, these kids can DB much better then I do).

I just think that I will probably see him worse. He is also in denial about getting some professional help. It's obvious he needs someone to talk to, someone with knowledge to help him to see things a little different. But he does not want it, and it is all his problem.

It's ashamed to see someone with good potential to get so uncontrolled and lost. Well, I am not in my best place yet either, I need to do a lot of work for myself and in/out myself, right now my priority is my kids and myself and that's about a lot.

I just want to say that it is amazing that just flipping my attitude, that it is really making me feel better about myself and my life in general. I won't lie and say that I am in Wonderland now because it is not true. I am still hurting, but in a different way.

I feel stronger every day and I am going back to who I was once. I was the owner of my life, wishes, desires, victories, failures, my smile, my anger, my crazy. O owned it all and I was free within myself. It's coming back and I feel the power of being my myself again.

I love you guys, and I love you a lot more then you can ever image. I can honestly say that if this forum did not help me to get my H back, for sure it helped me to rescue myself and make me a better person and that alone is more then have the idiot back. His loss.

And RD, we will see about this "You love your XWH". Sometimes, that big love dissipates and is gone forever. I am not going to hold on to that love, I understand that my M is over, my R with this man is dissolved, there is nothing there anymore. From now on, it is up to life to fill my heart with love again, and it can be XWH or anyone else, who knows!!! I don't for sure.

Hope you all have a good day! XOXO
Pink

[Pink17]

Hi all, so, the saga continue...

My sitch is like Star Wars, when you think it ended the series, them there is another one.

Well, everyone knows that I decided to go totally dark. NC at all.

On Wednesday morning XWH texted and called because he was running late to pick up the kids for school. I did not answer at all. Why? He can call his kids directly.

Then on Thursday I got this msg:

XWH - Good morning Cira - I wanted to ask you if we could do a walk through tonight? Also, can you take our sons to school tomorrow - Friday morning?

Me (after 2hrs) - Anyway it can be tomorrow? Since you were taking the kids out I had some plans for tonight. If not, I will try to change things around. Please, let me know.

XWH (after 3hrs) - Let's find some time sunday afternoon or evening.

Me (after half hour) - How long do you think this walk will take?

XWH - (right away) - Maybe 15 - 20 minutes.

Me (after half hour) - I need to take S17 to guitar lesson 5-30 - 6pm. Can you do this by 6:30pm?

XWH (after half hour) - I believe so.

Me (right away) - K Txs

And then he came to the house at 6:30pm. I had a smile, said hi, we hugged lightly and politely. He said that the house looks really nice with all my XMas décor, he loved the XMas tree.

I got a cup of coffee and said that he could do his walk. He said that he would wait for me. I said that there was no reason to wait that he could go ahead and get whatever he wants and it would be fine with me.

He insisted he would do the walk only if I was with him. OK, we went upstairs. I told him that there was nothing in my room, but he wanted to check. Well, nothing.

Then he took a half dozen books from the bookshelf in the hall. He also took all this English/Portuguese dictionaries and I bitterly comment that this was not the right dictionaries anymore, that he needs the French ones.

He said that this is out of question now, that there is nothing like that anymore.

Then we went downstairs, he saw I put away some of our marriage stuff, presents. I asked if he wanted, he said no. The I bitterly said: OK, I can break them myself. He said: Why would you do that? and I said that if the M is broken so is every memory of it too. He then said that maybe I just put it away for now.

He then got a few more books. We went to the garage and he got some fishing gear. And that is it.

I reminded him that he has his bike hanging in the garage and he said he does not have a place for it and in anyway the kids have messed up his bike. I look at him and I asked if he would like the bike repaired. He said no. The I said: XWH, understand that this is the last time you will say something like that. You have a choice to get your bike repaired or leave it alone forever. It is your choice and after it we won't talk about this anymore, this is final and I will not hear a thing about this tomorrow or ever again.

He was surprised, and said that I did not need to be so radical. I then said, that this is really final. He did the walk, took what he wants, and the rest is all mine and the kids and he can't just come and go as he pleases. His choices about the stuff is done, we are all moving on from here and he can't claim anything anymore.

He said that things don't need to be like this and I said that this is the way I want things to be and that is the way it will be because I said so.

Then he stands there, looking at me like I am the alien here. Like he is reading me or trying to get into my brain.

Then I showed him the stuff I separated for him before and he said that he was not planning to take it with him. That he would like to keep the stuff in the garage because he still need to resolve the storage issue.

WHAT? He does all this and can't take the stuff? What is he thinking? Probably just a bunch of bologna. All this arrangement to do a walk, then he gets about 10 books out and can't take his stuff out of the garage.

Then of course, he told me he is contact with some friend I know that may help him to get a better job with a better pay because he hate to think this way, but he needs a lot more money.

Then he shows me how big are his pants because he lost a lot of weight and remind me how much I did not like to see him overweight.

He says that he was blind, that he is understanding so much better a lot of things he did not have a clue before. That he does not deserve a person like me. That he is stupid, he is nobody. That I deserve someone much better then him.

I looked at him and said: XWH you are a good man and you became and are becoming a man of my dreams. I can see that you are changing and it is for the better of you. I can see for awhile now that you are not so selfish. That you care more about things that should be important in life.

I can see that you listen more now. I just think that you are not giving yourself a chance to feel happy. I think that you would benefit to get some counseling for yourself and cleanse all the wounds that you have from your childhood.

But, that is what I think and you are the only one that can decide what you want to do with your life now.

He then said that he is trying his best to be more helpful with the kids and do more to make things easier for both of us. I said that I would like to get a baseball bat and aim at his knuckle head, because now he is all what I wanted for so long.

He smiled, he looks at me like when we were not in this mess, when we were good friends and enjoyed each others company.

I know I should have stopped with the R talks, M talks. But in the same time there is so much that we did not expose before.

I am not very sure why he did this. I instinct says that he was itching too bad because he did not know what I am up to. He is curious, he talks around trying to get info on what I am doing lately and he is getting no info what so ever.

So, I will go dark again. Won't be available anymore. It is good because I have no aggravation in my life and may be the weapon to make him think what he wants.

By the way, he also told me that he does not have a R with OW since September and that he is not lying about it. That he still talk to her once in a while and that they are friends. LOL

Sorry XWH, not good enough. I don't even get why he is telling me this. It's not my business anymore.

In all of the above there is no one time that he mention he is thinking about us. No one time he says he would like to work on what we destroyed. Nothing. He is just his old self, going in circles without doing anything.

Well, time for me to keep my NC policy. It's the safest place I can be for now.

Love you all,
Pink

[rd500]

Hi Pink. This is sent with love , you still love the man and its very obvious you want him in your life. It seems clear that your words and actions are trying to get a reaction from H.

Don't get me wrong , it's Pinks life and she needs to live it her way and she has to explain herself to no one

The issue I see is that your H knows you are still there for him and he has a plan B

Hs MLC is still in full swing , your trying to have a rational conversation with an irrational person.

Pink. I'm always going to support you 100% and that won't change.

You tell us what you want and we can all advise or support you as best we can

Hugs Rd xx

[Pink17]

Hi RD,

I get what you are saying. I guess I did not see it that way. I did have plans to meet with a female friend that night. She is having some issues with her mom and we just met to talk for awhile.

I was not planing to give the idiot any attention. I am actually avoiding him at any cost.

When he said he wanted to do the walk to gather all what he wants from the house, I genuinely tough he was going to take his stuff out that same day. Well, stupid me.

I know better that I should just say good bye when XWH start talking about us, our M, our lives. This is nonsense and it does no good for me.

I did not try any reaction from him, in my mind I decided that it was important to just get this done because it is painful but inevitable, so better sooner then later. I actually prepared myself to see him taking the last of his stuff from the house that day.

I guess I do not understand the whole DBing thing. I should believe that we are done for good, that I need to disappear and deal with my life.

The truth is that I would like to move away from here, built a life somewhere else, never see or hear about him. It would be a million times better. S15 asked to finish his high school here, I have the kids with this idiot and the permanent contact.

So what to do? You say I love this guy, when the truth is that I don't even know if it is love or just a big hurt. I literally don't know what I want anymore.

Sometimes I want him to come back, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I miss him, and other times I feel better that he is gone. I don't trust him anymore, I hate what he did to me.

I am not totally lost, I know what I want in life and it is not even much. I am not lost because I like myself, I know I am a good person, with good values and morals. I respect myself, my kids, my family and friends. I make many mistakes in life, but I am also a very responsible person.

But in regards of this guy, yes I am totally lost. I just don't know what I want in this regard.

I guess right now I just want him gone. I don't want to know about him, I don't want to see him or talk to him, I don't want him around. I want him far away from me.

And yes I am his plan B. I am just an stupid girl that he used for a long time. I raised the kids, was responsible for the household in every single aspect, I cleaned houses to make the extra money for our family during the time he was taking his master's degree, and then he left me, just like that, some trash you just throw in a garbage can.

I should be ashamed for even talk about this. That this idiot will have some decency to give any value to what was his family one day. He just despise me and I am still thinking that there is any chance.

I keep saying it is time to let go but I am still holding that rope in a hope that it can change.

It will never change. Like you said, he slept with OW, cheated on me I don't know for how long, lied and lies to me, humiliated me, even divorced me already. He is done for a long, long time and I am still dreaming that tomorrow things will be different.

Nothing will ever change, all what have changed is that now I can regret what I did, I can regret the day I met him, regret that I married a man that did not respect his family, did not fight for our M and our love.

I have been trying my best do not hate him because it is not the best scenario for my kids, but sometimes I just want to send everything to hell and just ask him to go and never show up at my door again.

I am so tired of myself, of my crying, my pain, my life the way it is now. I know I need to make a decision about all this stupid things. I just did not want to let go, but it is getting to that point that it is not what I want anymore. It is about reality and the real thing is that I am no one for him.

I need to do something about this. I can't hold on some hope that do no exist anymore. I don't want to end up very bitter or lose years of my life in some fantasy that I created in my head thinking that there is any possibility he would consider that his family is more important.

I am thinking to ask him to go once for all and never come back. He can pick up his kids and do not even knock the door. Just go, whatever he goes, but just be gone. Maybe this is the only way to get my life back.

I have good days and today was not one of them. I am very down because I see no more hope, no more nothing. I guess this board is good because we learn how to be better, but because I am here, I kept some fantasy hope.

There is a project I am working with my kids, mainly S21 and it is keeping me very busy, something I want to do. I also reported that I am accepting more invitations to go out with friends. I am trying, forcing myself to do it all. But I feel empty many times, I feel sad when I go out.

I guess it is something I did not want for myself, I am a family girl and like the family life.

I guess I need to get my bad side out and let my italian side to deal with this. Maybe if I put my hate before anything else, I will be so disgusted that he will be gone.

I just don't really know what direction to take anymore. I am living my life, I never go after him, never initiate a call or text, never ask for anything, I am not around anymore. I am totally out of his life. Maybe the only thing that is missing is for me to tell him to go forever.

Please, let me know what you think.

Cira

[Sotto]

Hey lovely, as I see this, it is an internal shift for you. At the moment, you are pretty reactive to your H as you described when you did the walkaround with him. He is where he is. That's not great for you and you do have kids together, so you don't have the luxury of complete NC.

However, I think you can get to a point of a) non-reacting to his behaviour and b) compassionate detachment.

From what you describe over a long period, he will continue to want to be 'part of the family.' He will want to knock on your door during the night and come sleep with you. He will cry and seek comfort from you. He will tell you he loves you and doesn't deserve you.

That is all up to him. Your response to all of this is up to you. Given all circumstances, what is okay for you now? Is it okay that he is part of the family? Is it okay that he sleeps over and knocks on your door...etc. I don't think you are lost at all, and I think you are making a lot of progress in your life. I think it is more a case of thinking through how you want things to be now (not from a place of anger but from a calm place) and making that happen. These are your boundaries and they are there to protect you from his behaviour, which will likely continue.

All of this doesn't mean that you need to accept it is completely over and give up on all hope. It just means living your life 'as if' you and he will not be together again. Now, you can reassess that at any point. However, I think it would be wise to only do this if you see a significant shift from his end. Just my 0.2c anyways...

Take care Sweetie, and have a great weekend xx

[Ggrass]

Quite simply pink if he wants to be around he will be so.

Nothing you say will stop him, or make him stay away. He's not there yet and may never be. So just keep moving forward with the things you need to for the d and separation.

Sounds like the nc plan was working in a way, he had to do that whole walk thru to get your attention.

[JksD]

Pink, I feel you. I am going through the exact same thing as you.

I may be a little unorthodox but I actually feel that a little bit of anger is good to keep away depression. Just a little and not too much. The anger is something that we will feel and rather than repress it, maybe we can face it and maybe one day the anger will no longer have a hold on us.

My X compared me to a prostitute, told me no one would ever want me, had anger management issues, seldom stood up for me and kid. But I still miss him and it still tears me up to think of him and the OW.

I feel like I stood by him when he was at his worst and gave up other suitors for him before and after M, and now that he has found someone else, he ups and leaves me? And he couldn't have left me in a less traumatic and humiliating way?

I will just have to live with this. I can't change what has happened but I will change what's going to happen. I also wish that I can cut off contact with him totally but I can't So I do my best to minimise contact.

Stay strong!

[Ggrass]

I think it's a common thing for men to do when they feel guilty.

Mine compared to a pro and said I came up short. He did some really crappola stuff and yet in the early bits yes I wanted him back.

Now all I want is my possessions, I draw the line At walking from those. He deliberately manipulated so that he could have those as well, so that's my line.

[JksD]

Ggrass, I came up short too. Ah so this line isn't original as well...

[rd500]

Hi Pink. I think Sotto is right. You need to move forward as if H is gone for good. That doesn't mean he can't sweep you off your feet if he changes to a man you would let into your life one day

I don't normally argue with you so maybe our first fight !!!!

You clearly love him. It's in every post You are clearly in a huge amount of pain and you are dealing with something you never thought you would have to

In the walk around you were trying to get a reaction and its completely understandable , your H is trying to stay in your life but not in a way that's good for you.

I hope you can see this is not a criticismI'm just trying to show you how it looks to me. When H said he was leaving the things in the garage , a detached Pink would have asked how long for ? Or said ok but I want them gone in a couple of weeks

Pink. I honestly cannot understand your H and can only put his behaviour down to MLC , that doesn't help your but maybe it will let you see that even H can't understand what he's doing Your have admitted you part in the marriage failing but Hs choices were all his

Now after all the above , please remember that I am in love with you and would whisk you away from all this pain if I thought that would help but I will wait until you have dealt with your feelings for the man you still love !!!!!

I have a positive feeling Anjo , that H will emerge from his fog and your family will be united again.

This does cause a huge problem for us being together but we will worry about that in the future ! !!!

seu amigo para a vida

Talke care pequeno demônio, Rd. xx