Here again after 9 years

[ciluzen]

Inpain, it is so difficult to see the one you have loved and still love so often and still know that as much as you want to wrap your self around them and experience a loving gesture back, they don't want you right now. But they are still showing up or calling. It makes it that much harder to understand that what is happening is real; that much harder to detach.

I'm here for you if you need a "strength buddy". I know I need one, too.

[inpain]

Thanks tl2. I did stay at home but was very busy hanging washing on radiators, cooking tea for myself and kids and cleaning the kitchen. I didn't even look up when he walked in and he came in and told the kids he thought the outside lights looked great (like they put them up!?!?). I'm so proud of myself for not getting emotional in front of him, though I cried when he'd gone. He was here for 4 hours. I did have to eat my tea in same room as them all and he started bits of conversations with me. Asked me about work, how I put the lights up and a few other things and I just answered his questions and said nothing more. Didn't offer him a drink like I have been doing before when he comes round. He ended up putting the kettle on himself and asked me if I wanted one. I know we're not supposed to try to analyse what they do and say but he also looked at me and smiled. I'm wanting to think that him starting conversations and smiling are tiny steps in the right direction but who knows.

Unfortunately we can't postpone the trip. We booked it so close to the departure date that we had to pay in full. We would lose a lot of money if we cancelled. We got an email today reminding us to sort out Euros so I've left it for him to look at, see if he mentions the trip to me.

[inpain]

Ciluzen, you are so right! It stabs me in the heart every time he calls and I see him being loving with our children but not with me. Tonight when he came he stayed for 4 hours and I just felt myself breathe and relax inside - like he was back in the nest and nothing was wrong Then he got up to leave, kissed the kids and could only manage a "See ya." under his breath to me I just don't know how they can do it.

Thanks for offering to be a "strenth buddy", yes, I need one!

[inpain]

Argh! Don't know what to do now! H left an hour ago and has just text, "Just wanted to say thank you for tonight with the kids." ?!?!?!??!

[ciluzen]

Because my other daughter worked during Thanksgiving, I had a delayed one at my house for both D, SIL, and H...a family dinner. We all contributed, talked, laughed, had a good time. Then, after the kids left, H held out his arms wide and gave me a big, genuine, long hug. He said "Thank you for everything. Tonight was wonderful." And then he left and went to his apartment.

They don't understand what they are feeling or thinking, probably any more than we do.They just know that they've gone from dissatisfied, to irritated, to sad, to even angry, to ... done. They live in their heads day to day, hour to hour.

Whats that saying we get when we first get on the boards? Believe half of what they do and none of what they say? NO EXPECTATIONS. I keep falling into that trap.

[inpain]

Woke this morning with that pit in the stomach feeling. H texting to say thank you for him seeing the kids has made start all the second guessing again. He is coming to see them again tonight. I so desperately want to ask him if he's still undecided about coming back or not. On Tuesday night he was the nicest he's been to me since he left a month ago. He said he doesn't hate me and isn't sitting at his Dad's thinking he's going to take me for every penny. He said, off his own back, that he would write down what he is thinking and feeling and give it to me because he thinks it's easier to do on paper. He hasn't given me this yet. Should I ask for it or remind him about it? I still cannot believe that it is less than a fortnight to Christmas and it isn't pulling him home. He is like a child about Christmas, well we both are, and I really thought missing out on all the Christmas prep at home would tug at his heart strings.

[Ancaire]

Hi inpain. I owe you a longer answer. I just caught up on your thread and wanted to say a quick hello. I'm Judy/Ancaire, and I lean towards being a really bad DB'ER for myself, and having great clarity for others. How does that even work? LOL

I think it's a bit too early to ask H about anything, no matter how strong the temptation. Remember: calm, strong, and friendly. Just stay in that zone for a while.

Christmas. Ugh. Unbelievable that our family is ripped apart right now. I'll probably be on here the entire time. I so desperately wish this weren't happening.

I'll stop back by later, and after catching a few Zzzz' s. I often make more sense if I'm not sleep deprived.

[Rain75]

Hello inpain...that name is so appropriate.

Im right there with you. It hurts if they don't call or come around and it hurts when they do, especially when they aren't confessing their undying love for us.

I wouldn't ask him about the letter. I have many things i would like to ask too, but I haven't.

I think under the circumstances you are doing great being able to keep your replies to your H, as tl2 says, to just the facts.

I know how hard it has to be for you to do that.

I do not say a word about the kids missing him. He knows they do. And i don't want him back just for the kids. That is not a full life and R.

(((((hugs))))) since we could all use one.

[ciluzen]

Stay strong, inpain! I'm like Ancaire, I guess. Better at understanding DB concepts than following DB myself at times.

Let him bring up R via his letter. You asking about it is you bringing up R (no-no in DB land).I've learned with my H that it drives them away when you pursue like that. just as the DBers on here all said.

I feel the same way about Christmas, many of us do on here. Shouldn't it just be pulling them home? Yes, it probably is, but H is probably so caught up in whatever caused the M problems for him that he is in a hurricane of pain and confusion. The tough part for us is how much do we invite them to participate? You have little ones at home. That does make a difference. Someone on the boards said to invite them to participate and make sure the house smells of spice and Christmas and food.

Do we give them a present? I'm leaning toward a card, myself. My H has always said he didn't need a present. Easy choice. I also am giving gifts from me, not "Mom and Dad" or "us". I've always done the work. If I'm to be myself and not a couple, then that's who the gifts are from.

Holidays are going to be hard. I believe we will see them missing family and holiday memories, but let'
s not forget that the holiday will end and they (we) will still be in our same situation. Stay strong in your DBing and I will try as well.

[inpain]

Hi inpain.
I think it's a bit too early to ask H about anything, no matter how strong the temptation. Remember: calm, strong, and friendly. Just stay in that zone for a while.

Christmas. Ugh. Unbelievable that our family is ripped apart right now. I'll probably be on here the entire time. I so desperately wish this weren't happening.

I'll stop back by later, and after catching a few Zzzz' s. I often make more sense if I'm not sleep deprived.

Hi Judy, thanks for stopping by my thread. I know just what you mean about Christmas. I can't believe this is happening and just wish I could go to bed and wake up and it was just a nightmare.