Back on these forums again 3

[job]

Mona,
The first thing you need to do is slow down and breathe! You have a lot going on and your body is telling you that you need to slow down! You've come a long way in the business world since you posted a while back, but you are still working towards your masters and that requires a lot of your focus.

I'm glad to see that the children are thriving and enjoying life w/their friends and family.

Now, let's talk about your h. Do not offer meals or suggestions on how to get out of his financial mess. He is a man, not a child and you are not his mother. He is going to have to figure out how to survive and also pay child support and that means no reduction just because he can't figure out how to live. He can get a second job if money is tight for him.

Mona, I did go read your two previous threads and I want to suggest that you find a way to keep the focus on you and your family right now. Do not allow your h to have free space in your head. He can't miss his family if he's in touch or you are doing things for him. I know it's difficult w/children not to have contact...but only contact him if it's an emergency or something related to your children.

You've got this. You've been here before and it sounds like he might not have completed his crisis before. Leave him to it this time. Let him go completely and hopefully he'll wake up a mature man who is ready to face his issues and deal w/them.

You can find me over on the MLC Forum. Yep, still there helping others navigate the MLC Yellow Brick Road.

[Mona52]

Thanks Di! I was posting on you when you were posting on me I realize by what your H said how I was making my own H act selfish.

Every time he tried to step up with the kids, I jumped is as peacemaker and saved the kids. I not only gave him full permission to not correct them, I made it painful for him to correct them.

I will absolutely not take the full blame. If anyone tried to tell me how to speak to my children I would have told them to go take a long walk off a short pier. My H should have spoken to me about how my behavior was not working for him. Plus a million other things he could have done, i could have done, the kids could have done, etc. It does not matter now. I have learned from it so I can let it go.

[Mona52]

Thanks Snodderly!

I have never put the MLC label on my H's current craziness. I remember how off the deep end he went last time. This time he seemed to be different. But Now that the MLC label came out, he is not acting very different than the last time. The difference is me.

Saying MLC puts a different spin on everything. Of course he is not contacting the kids. He can't see past his own broken world.

I loved your post listing the things I need to stop doing. Happily, I have already stopped most of them. I cooked for him twice, and I have a strong desire to do it more, but I have not, and I will not.

I will definitely not drop my support payment. I am actually pondering getting a lawyer to try and get more. Under $10,000 a year for 3 kids seems insane. How can you take care of 3 kids for under 10k a year?

I have a strict NC with him right now. Yes, I still check my stupid phone every hour to see if maybe... But I never text him, and when he texts me I try and wait until the next day to respond.

So I say I stopped doing most the things on your list, but if I were being truthful, I think I stopped out of anger and could have happily started all over again once my feelings of anger melted a bit. Now I have determination to really, really stop. (I'm serious this time, lol)

I remember the first rule of MLC, for me anyway. There is nothing, NOTHING I can do to speed up his process. If I try and speed it up, he will never finish cooking.

The second rule is equal to the first rule. Be patient. Like really, really, really patient.

I have to come to terms with the fact that he may not turn around before my firm date of March 21st 2017.

Now I need to forget all of that. His craziness has taken my self-esteem and literally stomped it in the trash.

I need to create some emergency goals to bring my self esteem out of the gutter.

1. My puppy thinks I am a GODDESS walking on the earth. When I come home she goes crazy. No one can feel unworthy around their puppy. So goal one, take puppy on a long walk, but talk to her when I do it. Point out a squirrel and go crazy with her. Play with her favorite toy for a minimum of 30 minutes after the walk and prepare her a scrumptious dinner.

If I do this goal, I will receive unconditional love (and kisses). I will also get some exercise and spend quality time with my puppy. I will give her love by tugging on a stinking toy for 30 minutes. I will fulfill my need to cook for my H by cooking for her.

2. My self esteem is closely tied to my weight. If I could drop 20 pounds, my world will change. I have enough money for once to go and get HEALTHY foods. So after my walk with my puppy, off to the grocery store I go to load up on fruits and veggies!

If I want to drop 20 lbs, that means I have to drop 5 lbs. If I want to drop 5lbs, that means I have to drop 2 lbs. I can drop 2 lbs safely in one week. So by Monday, I need to weigh 2 lbs less. To do this I will limit my calories to 1600 per day. I will also speed walk with the puppy for a minimum of 30 cold minutes.

3. My middle child has been trying so hard to fix everyone's problems. She wants to go to the gym bad. I will let her 'help' me lose weight by letting her 'make' me go to the gym So one hour at the gym tonight.

4. REST AND RELAXATION. I am going to binge watch Supernatural on Netflix when goals 1 - 3 are over, and continue to crochet my blanket. I will consume beer

Things that can interfere:
D 17 works until 9:30ish. She may want me to drive her places when she gets off work.
I can try and deal with this now, I will text her and let her know I need a night off.

S11 may need help with his homework.
I will get through this as fast as possible by NOT trying to fit him in, in between making dinner, washing dishes, going to the grocery store, taking D to gym, walking puppy etc. Instead I will sit down with him and finish ALL his homework before I start Supernatural.

House might need cleaned.
Last night I scrubbed down the oven and the kitchen floor and vacuumed every room. The bathroom could use a tiny bit of work, but overall, the house is sparkly enough that I can skip all attempts at chores tonight, after dinner is done and dishes are washed. NO CLEANING!

These forums...
I have to NOT read on here tonight. I need to just pamper myself and forget all reasons why I need pampering.

Run out of beer
eek! better grab some, so much for that 1600 calorie plan.

Okay, that all sounds awesome. I am excited for a Monday night (weird!)

[Di-mond]

^^^^^
All this still sounds exhausting to me!

I'm waiting for my D to come home with Chinese food.
No dishes!! Find something to watch online. Early to bed.
I have to leave the house by 6 am to babysit my son's gf's little guy and put him on the school bus, then dental surgery for my daughter.

Ok...that's more than enough for me.

[Mona52]

Dental surgery! yikes. I hope all goes well!

[Mona52]

I was able to get a few things done. I was cruisin along nicely. I walked the dog and we had a blast, I came home and played with her toy for a while. I did not cook her dinner, I had no time. I went to the grocery store and bought a ton of fruits and veggies, lean meats, whole grains and low fat dairy.

I celebrated by making a huge pot of chili which not one of my kids ate because there are beans in it... It was so yummy, i think their tongues are broken.

I dealt with a stressful night with my mom and my sister. I felt an inch tall during the exchange. But help came from the weirdest place.

My sister married the perfect man for me. Everyone who sees both of us agrees that we married the wrong people. We are 2 peas in a pod when we are near each other.

Last time I was DB'ing, he was my rock. I love him to death, and I know he feels the same about me. We have never even come close to crossing any kind of line. I stay as far away from this man as humanly possible. I never text him or go anywhere near their house. I may not speak to my sis because she burglarized me, but I would never seek revenge that way.

I was wallowing in despair late last night. I was not able to get any down time, no rest and relaxation. So when it was time to finally close my eyes, the issue with my mom and my sis made the issue with my H and M seem more hopeless because my PMA was pretty low.

All of a sudden I get a text message. With a few words my sis's H was able to lift me right back on my feet again. They were not even great words full of meaning and inspiration, nope, it was a normal, silly conversation.

I know why, and I had forgotten how he has this magic power. When he talks to me, I can see myself through his eyes. He sees me as this kind of superwoman. He has good reason to, my sis is crazy and I have done impossible things to help that family out over the years.

When he speaks to me, I feel competent, strong, happy. Because he sees that, no matter what I actually feel at the time. When other people give me a compliment, I feel like a fake. Like, if they only knew how pathetic I really am, they would never say what they said. But he does not ever compliment me. He states facts that shows me what he sees when he looks at me.

I used to get that from my H as well, but never the same as with my BIL.

The weird part is we never, ever text. Yet out of the blue last night he sends me a text. I dont care why. I just know I woke up today feeling more stable than I have in weeks. Which is a good thing because Christmas is coming, and I have to really start to prepare for that mental ball of pain.

I wish everyone on this board could all just get together on Christmas, because there is no way around it, it is hard.

[PigPen]

Damn you've got a lot on your plate Mona. So glad you got the support you needed even if it came out of left field. Maybe the Universe is looking out for all of us after all.

Quick thought on your weight loss goals, this is the only area I'm an expert in with regards to this DB adventure.

Just like DB'ing I've found that weight loss is best approached from a completely irrational angle. In DB'ing we want our M's back, so we do the exact opposite. We let the M go and focus on a separate goal - ourselves.

After coaching hundreds of people to their weightloss goals, I've found that focusing on the weight will not only drive you mad, it will inhibit you from reaching that goal!

I ask all my clients, "If you lost 20 pounds but looked exactly the same as you do now, would you be happy? If you gained 10 pounds but looked healthier and more like the image you're after in your head, would you be happy? And if you lost no weight but looked significantly better naked, how would you feel?"

So it's not really about the weight. Especially with women, who, depending on where you are in your cycle can fluctuate 5 - 10 lbs, it's not the best approach.

I recommend picking a performance goal - walking 2 miles in under 20 minutes, or being able to do 50 sit ups without stopping etc. Then attack that goal. Eat well, eat to fuel the performance. Eat to fuel your health. Then get after your performance goal and let the weight take care of itself.

Sure it's still your "real" goal, but this is the best way to achieve it.

What's a good performance goal for you? Let me know and I can help you put a plan together to reach it.

PP

[Mona52]

I hate the day after I see him. Every few minutes my mind plagues me with extremely urgent, critical reasons what I HAVE to contact him. I wont. I can easily resist the temptation because I know my mind is just lying to me right now.

It does not help that I had this dream last night that still feels so real.

I am getting by because I keep refocusing on something I have threatened to do every year, but this year I actually did it! I have about 80% of my christmas shopping done! I did it last night while I was supposed to be resting. My D needed to get socks for school so I had to take her to the store. While I was there I picked up my lay-away and now I am all but done.

I actually have a list with everyone's names on it and there are the gifts written. I have never been so organized in my life. Usually my H spends all the money. So the last pay before christmas (which is usually the day before christmas) I run out and try and get everyone.

I placed all this junk on lay-away at the very beginning of November and I was able to slowly pay it off in chunks.

I have 3 kids, so I got the movie the exorcist from my eldest to give to him. That was the only movie that ever freaked him out and he hates it, lol.
I got the movie Interview with a Vampire from my middle child to give to him. He cant look at that without thinking of me, but he does not know I know that.
Did I mention, he does not have a dvd player?
I got a Chia Head for my S to give him.
OMG, I cant help but giggle.
I only have a few odds and ends to grab, and I need to get stocking stuffers and I am done!

So every time my brain tries to drive me to painville, or memory lane, I re-steer to done-with-shopping-town, and everyone there is standing in the streets cheering and clapping for me.

Then someone whispers "You still gotta wrap it"... Ugh...

[Mona52]

I recommend picking a performance goal - walking 2 miles in under 20 minutes, or being able to do 50 sit ups without stopping etc. Then attack that goal. Eat well, eat to fuel the performance. Eat to fuel your health. Then get after your performance goal and let the weight take care of itself.

Sure it's still your "real" goal, but this is the best way to achieve it.

What's a good performance goal for you? Let me know and I can help you put a plan together to reach it.

PP

I want to run. And breath. At the same time.
I want to run for pleasure. I want to feel the muscles burn and push through it.

HOWEVER...

I started smoking at age 9. My babysitter put a straw on the end of a cigg so I would not get too much smoke at one time.

I quit smoking January 15th.

I started smoking again in August when I kicked him out. I smoked for 30 days, and quit again.

I have not touched a cigg in 3 months, that's 12 weeks.

I was told by my doctor not to attempt to run until I have been smoke free for 8 weeks.

I am scared to run because I feel I am overweight and will look ridiculous. I am also scared I will not be able to breath.

I can walk for a long time now and never lose my breath. That never happened before.

So I guess my first goal is to run.

Do I do it on a treadmill at the gym? I really think I will fall. Do I do it out on the street? I do not live in the city anymore. But I dont own a pair of running shoes and I will look so stupid.

I am sure I need to start on my block. I will purchase a pair of running shoes today and one of those little thingies (technical term) to hold a phone strapped to your arm!

Well... maybe tomorrow.

Thanks PP. I like to-do lists. Now I have a good one.

How often do people run anyway?

[Zephyr]

hey mona, there are tons of 'walk-to-run' style classes in my area where you go and sign up. they give you exact steps and training in a group of folks similar to you. my wife (who was 100# overweight) did this class and was able to finish a 5k race after 10 weeks. went with her, she did great, it was painful, but your mind is the biggest obstacle.

You can do this, if anything a treadmill at a gym with a schedule of how long to run - walk is a great way to do it too if you can't find a clinic around you.

YOU CAN DO THIS!!!

Found a similar program on 'runnersworld' under the training section, getting started - the 8-week beginner's program.

give it a read.

Did I mention, YOU CAN REALLY DO THIS!!!!!!!!!!