Glad to hear that you are learning some things about yourself focus. It is indeed a gift that our spouses have given us in that we have the chance to learn and define ourselves and our wants and needs. Going forward we will be more wise and deliberate but always loving, caring and forgiving. Our new found wisdom will bring us peace and joy.
Some day you and Rouky and the rest of the Lonely Hearts Club will have to come here and we will all share a glass and toast the end of our collective nightmares and drink to the new us. God Bless you as always!
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
Focus, maybe this analogy will help you since you're still pretty new in the game.
You used to live on an island, you lived there for 15 years. It had good parts and bad parts, but it was home, familiar and has a lot of great memories.
One day you woke up and someone kicked you off the island. Yep, the tied you up, rowed you about fifty yards offshore and dumped you out of the boat saying you could never come back. Hell, maybe that you weren't ever welcome there in the first place. Doesn't matter what they say, you're in the water now and that's what really matters.
Your only choice is to swim for a new island that people keep telling you exists. You've heard about this mythical place, but can't see it in the distance. You can't even see the outline of it. You think it's probably BS and that you're going to die.
The first half mile of the swim is hell. The waves are huge, there are sharks, jelly fish, birds crap on you, and more. You're starving, can't sleep, and if you manage to pass out for a few minutes your just dream you're safely back on your home island...then you swallow seawater and throw up.
So you keep swimming. And it's still hell. And it's still hell. Sometimes you get out into some clear water, but then there's a thunderstorm. Sometimes the storms pass, and the current washes you back to where you were three days before and you have to go through the whole ordeal again.
After what seems like an eternity, a piece of driftwood floats by and you cling on to it. You finally get some sleep, maybe catch a fish and eat it. Your life is still hell, but you're not physically dying any more.
Sometimes people in the "GAL Boat" row by and you get to sit with them, eat, and forget about your troubles for a while. They may teach you a thing or two too. You may forget about your swim for a bit until they leave and you have to get back in the water. You come here and learn not only how to swim, but also possibilities that the home island wasn't all that it seemed. Most importantly you realize that there are a lot of skills about water navigation that you thought you knew but you really didn't.
So you study, and you learn, and you make keeping your head above water a daily practice.
Little by little the waters calm down, they clear up, you're in better shape from the swimming. You've befriended a dolphin and some seagulls. Life's ok again. You've got food, a new sweet log to hang out on, and have a feeling that you may just make it.
Of course there are still storms, rogue waves, the occasional hungry shark, but you're doing well.
And then it happens. You see a glimmer of an outline. Just the slightest bit. Is it an island? Is it real? Is it a mirage or just denial? And then it disappears.
So you do what you know has worked thus far, you keep swimming, and swimming, and dealing with what the ocean throws at you. You accept the pain, the garbage in the water, the pollution, and the hurt that it all causes you.
Eventually that new island starts to come back into focus. You see it. It is real. There are happy people on it. Maybe your H is on it and he's done all of the work necessary and is sorry for being such an a-hole. Maybe he's not, but that's ok because the best part about the island isn't the other people on it - it's the you that crawls up on the shore.
The you that's lived through hell and survived. The you that is now fluent in sign language and makes world class sushi - plus infinitely morei. The you that has been expanded beyond anything thought possible prior. The you that has inevitably been changed by the experience and can never go back to being the old you that lived on the original island.
--
Does that help? That's what I keep telling myself anyway. It helped me to think of it that way because so often I felt like there was no way back and no where to go, that I had to just try not to drown and I wanted to give up and let the waves take me.
One day at a time Focus, it's a long swim and you've just begun, but the only way to get to the other side is to take it one day at a time.
PP
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
Will answer properly later on. Will hopefully feel a bit more positive about it all by then. Just feeling a bit crushed by the sheer enormity of it all at the moment.
But thank you. It's always good to read words of wisdom x
Some day you and Rouky and the rest of the Lonely Hearts Club will have to come here and we will all share a glass and toast the end of our collective nightmares and drink to the new us. God Bless you as always!
We will! Or you guys could all come over here. We throw a mean party over this way :o)
So, I did a huge thing on Thursday and went to find out where I stand about about the house, changing the locks and any debt that my H might run into over the next while (not that he has done this in the past, but I don't entirely trust him and his capacity to deal with life now).
It's good news all round. I was actually crying as the person I went to see was telling me.
Through a *very* particular set of circumstances the house is mine. There was good news for me about having changed the locks too, and also very good news about any debt that H might run up.
I was so exhausted from it (and it took a whole morning), I had to come home and sleep before my evening shift.
Dragged myself out of bed after, and *made* myself get ready, properly. That evening I randomly bumped into three people I used to know years and years ago (to varying degrees) and they were all really happy to see me again. Will go out for coffees and a catch up with all of them.
Today I went to my IC. She brought up that me doing nothing and basically leaving things as they are at the moment could be seen as avoidance.
I'm starting to feel that people (my counsellor, a couple of my friends) are trying to push me to resolve the situation and finalise a separation/divorce.
I said to her that I was enjoying the time and space to myself (which I am). It feels like my life has been stressful and chaotic for a good while now. I've been dealing with H's increasingly heavy drinking, drug taking and his lack of appropriate boundaries with a number women (not just the 2 mentions in my signature) for a number of years, and I can't begin to describe the relief of not having all that around me any more. I don't really want to rush headlong into another stressful situation with lots more stuff to process.
I've got a very busy December, work wise, and am enjoying it. My part time job is very sociable and I'm always meeting lots of new people through it as well. I feel quite lucky at the moment.
It's been a good while since I spoke to her and we were always quite close. She's been quite worried about the whole situation. I told her I was doing well (surprisingly!) and have been quite busy, so not to worry.
I also told her about the text he'd sent me, asking me if I was wanting to talk about anything yet. I said that I didn't feel it was my responsibility to talk to him, because of what he had decided to do.
I'm not sure that was the right thing to do now.
Anyway, it's done. All I can do is learn from this too...try not to get tangled up in this stuff again, keep looking forwards and keep moving forwards. It comes down to willpower and focus.
I know I have plenty willpower I'm trying hard with focussing.
The thing that's a bit of a blank slate at the moment is where I want to go with this, specifically for me. To get to where you want to go, you need to know where you *want* to go, right? And the more precisely you can define that, the better you'll know where you are on that journey and how far you still have to go.
Hmm, so maybe sending that text to my MIL this morning and dealing with how I felt about it afterwards has brought this other stuff more sharply into focus? None of this is really about my H and what he's up to, it's back to being all about me.
I had finished some work for a customer for my own business and met up with her yesterday. She loved what I had done for her, and was so excited and incredibly appreciative.
It was a nice day, so I decided to walk to my evening shift. On the way I found the foxiest pair of shoes I have ever seen in a charity shop window. I went in to ask about them and and discovered they were new and in my size. And now they're mine :o)
My evening shift was good too. I like the various people I work with, and it's a job I started recently, so it's part of my life now (but not part of my previous life with my H, iykwim).
We're working very hard in December, and as of last night we're planning an end of busy period evening out for everyone in early January.
It was me that came up with the idea, which if you knew me you would understand just how out of character that is. But I think a night out, with people I know a little through work and others I can meet, where there is no heavy or serious chat, will be a good thing.
Focus it's great to hear that you are busy and things are going well for you. I wouldn't talk to his family about your R. I would just talk about your relationship with them. My W is with her parents these days I texted them to wish them a happy anniversary. They replied saying how they wished I was there too and to visit them anytime. We didn't refer to W. There's no point, you can't gain anything and only lose with a careless remark. Looking at your posts you are doing some great things. Keep going.
And thank you for also helping me to see that I can chat to them about my relationship with them. I hadn't thought of that.
My MIL told me just after this whole thing exploded that she was really upset because I'm part of the family. She's also since said that she is very keen to keep in touch and to keep offering me work when she can, as I occasionally do some work for her.
She did text back yesterday saying she was glad I was sounding so positive. She had seen her son/my H a couple of weeks ago, when he did a couple of hours work for her, but nothing since then.
I reckon he's just basically running away from everything and everyone that knows him well at the moment. Of course, that's speculation on my part.
I did realise that I had made a mistake right after I texted. And I noticed that I was really attached to the outcome (her texting me back with some sort of reaction). So, lesson learnt on that front.
Still struggling with a lot of things, tbh. Still losing weight, feeling nauseous, not sleeping much, having nightmares every time I sleep, feeling very scared...
Sorry to hear of your nightmares focus. I have lost an awful lot of weight in this process like you have. I guess it's the stress of it all because I eat like a horse. I think part of the mourning involves the loss of our in-laws as well as the end of our marriage. I am also seeing some really interesting behavior in my in-laws. I think that this is hard on them too. The night out that you are planning sounds like a ton of fun to me. I'll check the price of plane tickets and look at my schedule...... Love that you bought new shoes. Now find something to go with them and maybe get a makeover. Nothing is so sexy as a girl with a new look! Keep working hard and have a fun week.
M:53 W:47 M:15 years. S:18 S's: 30 & 28 from previous marriage. BD: 3/14 Divorced January 17.
The thing I was feeling most down about was having so few friends of my own. I have a part-time job in my H's industry, and because of who he is in the industry and because he is such an incredible extrovert, everyone knows who he is and a lot of people gravitate towards him. Not many people know me for who I really am because I'm more of an introvert, and I've always been in his shadow really.
Anyway, I've made a conscious effort to reach out a bit more. So I have one definite night out next week and possibly a coffee with someone as well. With the very long hours I'm working at the moment, the next time off I have (apart from Christmas day and new year's day) will be the end of the first week of next year. And then I can plan some more.
I'm at the point where I'm starting to think that I'm doing OK. I can function, connect reasonably well with other people, do well in my work and enjoy it (as long as it's not too pressured), process what's been happening over the past few months (and years), and make some plans for the future.
I'm trying hard with focussing.