Back on these forums again 3

[Mona52]

Ugh... I am getting so much work done! None of it is school work. I dont know what the heck is wrong with me. I look at my school work, and I write a few sentences and I get distracted to do real work or return some library books, or post on here!

I finished a few things for work this morning I had no intention of even starting until next week. So I know I am able to concentrate, just not on my school work. I need a personal trainer type person.
"Just 5 more sentences, you can write it, keep going"

I feel fear when I think of finishing my work, so I am pretty sure I am just scared of graduating. That is normal for me, so I can try and ignore the fear and keep working but it is so hard today.

[mutatio]

Hi Mona, just stopped by to say hello. It is difficult to focus on a certain task sometimes. It's like writers block. Other times you sit down and the work fly's onto the page. Maybe tomorrows the productive day for school work. Get plenty of rest and try again tomorrow.

[Gmum]

Maybe you're intimidated by Dr Mona as well 😄 Just kidding. I agree with Mutatio. Have a drink, call it a night and get some good needed rest. You'll get on top of things tomorrow. If not I'll totally come to your house and tell you how many more sentences you need to write. Maybe that's my new career.

[job]

Mona52,

I wouldn't call myself a guru, but I am still here under a different name. Yes, it's snodderly and no, you weren't terrible.

I'll have to catch up w/you a bit later today.

[Mona52]

OMG everything in my world is right again. Snodderly! I had no idea how I was going to DB with you not here. I wish they still had the old threads to look back on.

It is amazing to know you are still here, like a rock

[mutatio]

Nice to see your post Mona. How are you doing?

[Mona52]

Thanks Gmum and mut!

I finally gave up on Friday. I had such a busy weekend planned so I just worked on that.

Friday i went out with the group and I had a great time. They asked if I was coming to the New Years party.

I have never not spent New Years with my children.

So I sat there thinking about New Years. Immediately I jumped to "No, cant come, sorry." Because of the kids and also the fact that I was thinking about looking for a different group of friends. But I really did want to join them for new years, so I said yes.

I am not going to dump these friends because of my mom. I an just going to continue to have fun.

So I dances all night Friday and had fun. I thought about the A a bit during the night, but I was not pulled down to a depression.

Saturday I threw a party for all of my kids friends. It was a star wars party. At 10:00 am we popped the first movie in and a house full of teenagers watched 5 of the six star wars movies all day in my living room.

I wanted to watch with them, but when I woke up Saturday I was completely fine, but as I got the house ready for the party my right arm started hurting worse and worse. Finally, I picked up a pair of jeans and the pain was too much and my right arm was basically useless.

I am a database analyst. My whole universe revolves around me typing and clicking a silly mouse. Plus a million kids were coming over, and I still had to drive a car to pick up some last items, so I completely panicked.

I was nervous that the kids would not be able to cope with me gone, and while I was in the waiting room, I was answering text questions on how to work the new dvd...

The whole time I was at the doctor (30 minutes), they could not start the movie. The doc saw me, and when I went to raise my right arm, you could see a lump as hard as a rock on the top part of my arm.

He gave me muscle relaxers to take after I got home. So I popped the movie in for them, showed them how to work a remote, and took a pill.

I was OUT, for like 4 hours! Here I was, worried to death they needed me, and they did not even realize I fell asleep at all, lol. It just goes to show, all these things you feel you HAVE to do, and only you can do them is a lie.

The pills worked amazing and today I only feel a small twinge. I can still feel bit of a knot in my arm, but hopefully it works its way out soon.

Sunday I was still in pain, so I basically relaxed all day. Besides my s's basketball games on Saturday and Sunday I barely left the house during the day at all. I slept a lot on Sunday too, because I took another pill.

Sunday was my S's 12th birthday and I got him video games so I didn't see him for hours.

At 9pm I complained to my mom that H never called to say Happy Birthday to S. But at 9:30pm H finally called.

My S won an award this morning for his NHD project. I invited H to see S get the award and unbelievably H said he would go. I asked H if we could sit together for the award, because I would be too embarrassed if we sat at different sides of the room.

H: I dont have a problem with you at all. I am just doing what you asked and staying away.

Me: I appreciate that. Thanks!

So I picked him up this morning and we both went to see my S get his award. We had to squeeze in together because the seats were tight. SO I kept accidentally brushing him, lol.

We had pleasant conversations while waiting, then I drove him home. I will go back to my no contact and try to ignore him. Besides I have too much to do to worry about a man who wants nothing to do with me.

[mutatio]

Your on a good path Mona, stay healthy.

[Mona52]

One part I did not like, but in hind-site I am glad it happened like it did was about the A.

I found out about his A. I texted him Friday morning. I asked if he used protection or do I need to get tested. His reply was very non-commital:
H: You have nothing to worry about

I never replied back.

So when I saw him this morning, I dont know what I expected, but I got nothing. He did not acknowledge anything. I am fine with that. I know he has to freaking feel like I am not going to hold it over his head, because I know men who have affairs feel guilty and they will run if they feel they will never be forgiven, blah, blah, blah.

So I did not say a word either and just treated him like any other person in the world. But I expected, and was counting on more anger. But I just don't have anger. I need anger to overwhelm the humiliation and it is letting me down. Now I am just left feeling stupid. And almost none of these bad feelings are towards him. They are all pointed 100% internally. If I were just a little better, he would not have done this again. If I would not have gotten back together with him, he COULD not have done this to me again.

If he said he wanted to work on our M now, I would be thrilled. So the humiliation grows. It snowballs into thoughts like
"I deserve this because I was not good enough and I allowed it."
"I deserve this because I carry a few extra pounds so no one will ever want me except for this man."
"I deserve this because I do not keep the house clean enough."
"I deserve this because I was not enticing enough for him to get off the computer."
"I deserve this because I put the kid's needs in front of his and our M."
"I deserve this because I did not make enough money to handle the bills when he was working one day a week."

Logically, I try and combat these thoughts. Logically I feel I deserve way better than my H. But that only makes it worse.
"If I cant keep him, when he is a jerk, how could I ever think I could attract a better guy? I NEED H back or I will spend the rest of my life alone or with a much worse person, which I guess I deserve."

I do not get stuck on these thoughts. I try and combat them with good thoughts. The only possible way I can win over these thoughts is by piling up as much good around me as possible.
So when I think I deserve a man who is unfaithful because I did not scrub a toilet enough, or cook the meatloaf correct, I look at my to-do list for the day. My to-do list is filed with baby steps to get to a better place in many ways. One to lose weight, one to make more money, one to fix the house in some way, and then I look at what my children are doing. They are doing good things because I am alive and in their lives.

But on days like today, when I have seen him, spoke to him, touched him, it is so very hard. When I know he prefers to speak online with a virtual woman it is unfathomable.

I feel he just saw me (and I looked smoking hot today), and he touched me, and he made me laugh, and I made him laugh, i feel he should want to text/call or contact me as badly as I need to hear his voice again right now.

I was down on my knees in my little office praying he was thinking about me. He is on third shift, so he is off to bed. I was praying that he would have a dream or 2 about me that he remembers when he wakes up.

And I totally cheat when I pray. I am catholic, so I have the normal "God, can you help..." But I also have ALL the saints, and I ask every single one to help. Next I have all the angels, so I ask every singe angel to help, I speak to all my family who are departed, and all of his family, including his mom. Lastly, I pull out the big guns, and I ask Mary, as a wife and month to help our little family. Overkill? Maybe. Cheating? Totally.

It is ok. I will be wound up for the rest of the day today, but tomorrow I will pull out of this tailspin and be back on track again. The next possible chance I might see him is on Christmas. And if Christmas is anything like Thanksgiving was, I wont even see him then. I wish I could see him more, but I will not initiate contact with him.

On Friday I unfriended him on all of my Facebook pages. My FB settings are locked down pretty tight, so he will have no way to see me. It is funny, because my S achieved a weird kind of honor last week, after I booted H off of my FB friend's list. My S posted his achievement on FB. Today my H mentioned how he saw what my S did. It was sort of his way of letting me know he saw that he was unfriended, without accusing me and us getting in a fight.

My H was also complaining about Candy Crush today. I knew that our S would hit him the hardest in this silly little video game. If you have never played candy crush, you have to sort of match different colored candies in a certain way to clear boards. It is a puzzle game. Almost daily, my H would hand me his phone while we were M so I could get him past a level he was stuck at. He told me today how he has been stuck at one level for ever, LOL.

Oh well, at least in a small way he feels my loss. I am not going to try and pull the focus back to me today, I am just gonna let my emotions take me where ever they want to go today, and tomorrow I will jump back to getting the focus on me.

[Di-mond]

Mona,

I have started NC with my H on Friday. I deleted all his contact information from my phone and computer. Still friends on FB, but unfollowed him. I am fighting hard to not contact him anymore at all. I don't want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with me.

I too struggle with self-esteem because of his rejection. He was such a lousy husband and set the bar so low. Yet I couldn't keep a man like him. I really struggle with the fact that it really had nothing to do with me and my actions. If only I did more for him, made more money, cleaned the house more, etc. nothing would have ever been good enough. He would have found another reason. Video games make him happy. Maybe he can get a virtual wife. Lol!!

On a positive note...because he set the bar so low, pretty much anyone (including my dog) is better than he was. (JK)

I'm a candy crush soda addict!