Mona, I have been waiting for MC, S's IC or H's IC to tell him to be a Dad and nobody will do anything but validate him and make very gentle suggestions, so gentle and non-assertive that it goes straight over H's head.
I think maybe its for the best right now if he isn't connected to the kids until/unless he gets his head on straight. Also that worries me if we do D, what is he going to do during his custody days? I will cross that bridge if/when I come to it.
I'm so glad I didn't have kids with my H. He was very close to my D, but feels no connection to her now. She feels betrayed by him. I can't see them ever even talking again. I feel bad that I brought another man into my D's life that abandoned her again, just like her father did.
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
Thanks pho. I know you are right. No one is going to tell H this is not OK. None of my children seem like they even care, so by me adding pressure, I am just adding stress to everyone involved.
But I just get so angry when I think how I have to do EVERYTHING. I get no choice. Yes, I know, I know, I am a parent, of course I have to do everything. But even if I wanted to take even one single day off, I could not. Even if my jerkface came and picked up the kids, my mind would still be working. I would still be planning on what is for dinner tomorrow, how many loads of laundry need done tonight, where am I going to find the money to buy a birthday present for my D's boyfriend and a billion other things.
Why does he get to go along every day and not handle a single thing? It should be neglect and abuse. HE should have to face children and youth. (and a firing squad). How can he just NOT call them?
Ok, time to calm back down. Fact, jerkface is not going to care for his kids. Fact, I have to do it. If I need help, I need to figure out what I need help with and reach out to other people. Fact, my kids are brilliant and the biggest joy in my universe and of course I will handle everything. I dont have to handle my children, I GET TO HANDLE my children
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Wow Mona, I just caught up! I must have missed your posts last week when I was at my Grandmothers. You sure are carrying a lot. It [censored] royally that our kids Dad's aren't concerned with being involved parents. I hate it!
You are an amazing mother!
Me:33 H:36 T:13 years M:10 years S4 Separated 05/15 H Filed 06/15
My children's father walked away over 7 years ago and hasn't seen them since. His choice! He is a douche, but every day I feel sad for my children. They didn't do anything wrong. Karma!!!! He will die alone and without them. I stepped up and was mom and dad to them. I didn't have a choice, but also never thought about it twice. I will never abandon my children! You are doing the right thing, something these men are just incapable of doing. It is not on us. Their short comings as fathers are theirs and theirs alone!!!
Di-mond in the rough M-45 H-38 My children S-25 D-23 T 5 M 4 H left April Fools Day 2015
Where does your self confidence come from? Just curious as your mother doesn't sound all THAT supportive. Don't know the story about your dad. I'm just asking because I am TERRIFIED of working. I'm not lazy, quite the contrary. I have excellent work ethics, but I have always been scared of not living up to expectations, not really earning the money paid me. Anyways, I keep thinking of you being left alone with 3 young children going back to school and now you're almost Dr. Mona.
Thanks pho and Di, I 100% agree with all of it. I cant explain it any more than you can. It is one of those bitter pills to just swallow.
Gmum, I feel I have like zero self confidence. I really thought, when I first started school that no one would ever really hire me. I had a part-time clerical job and that was as good as it was ever going to get. I couldn't see how I could possibly pass an algebra class! But the people on this forum told me I had to go to school, so I went to school.
They told me I had to apply for a job, but I felt so guilty leaving my clerical job that I could not. So One day I walked into the office and gave them a year's notice. I am not even exaggerating. I felt so guilty, like I was leaving them and I did not want them to be stuck.
A year went by and I could not bear to find another job. I trained my replacement and quit. THEN I found my first IT job. I DONT suggest this at all, we were flat broke, lol.
I was literally petrified my entire first month. I waited every day for someone to say "What the he|| are YOU doing here, you dont know anything about IT!" And they would not have been wrong.
Instead they paid me! My goal was to just not be the worst employee. I had a great work ethic, so I just found who I thought was the worst employee and tried to make sure I was better than them. As I watched everyone work, I thought I would finally see super secret technical difficult IT things. But the truth is, no one worked extremely hard, and nothing they were doing was all that technical and difficult.
Once I did a task once or twice, I was up to speed on it. I still go to work every day and expect them to ask me to do this tortuously technical feat that I will have no idea how to handle, and then for them to fire me. But so far, I do equally as well as some and way better than most.
I remember when I began I would come on here and explain to my friends how school would never help and it cant save my M and I have 3 kids and they need me and I am not smart enough and on and on it went. Every reason I gave NOT to do it they used as ammunition to make me do it, so I just bit the bullet and went to school.
All I can say is, "scared" or any other form of the word fear should never, ever stop you from doing something that will bring you closer to a goal. Find a hand to hold and jump with both feet. There are many hands on this board if you need them. We can pull you right along (probably kicking and screaming) but along you are going to go anyway, right?
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
I accidentally found proof of his A tonight. I am 100% sure it began way before I kicked him out.
On a scale of 1 to 10 I would say my anger at him for not speaking to the kids is near 8. My anger at A is maybe a 4, possibly a 3. It clearly blossomed from an online EA, because she lives like 7 states away. In Connecticut.
I know he goes to see her about once a month. Financially, I would say he is spending about $500 per visit. He flat out cannot afford that. He is going to get evicted. Maybe he will move in with her.
That will suck for me because I will not get child support if he quits and moves. But I would hope no one our age is stupid enough to allow an unemployed person they met online to come and live with them.
Emotionally I am completely fine. I have been on this road before and this time I was not full of foolish fantasies. Last time I could not believe this was happening to me, this time I always knew it would be a possibility. The A is not the issue with our M. It is just a poor choice he is making now, and completely out of my control.
My biggest issue right now is I did not get all of my work done today. I did turn in a book to the publisher that they asked me to write exercises for. They said they will pay $10 per exercise and I wrote 98. So I should get a $980 paycheck. The issue is, I have no idea WHEN they will pay. If they pay me now, before christmas, that would be unbelievable!. I might find out when I check my email tomorrow, so I am very scared to check my email.
They gave me another manuscript to review on Monday, but not to write the exercises for, so I only get a few bux a page, and I dont get paid until the book is published, and that is a year from now.
With everything going on, I have fallen behind on my schoolwork again. I am so close to the finish line, and for some reason, every time I sit to get some work done,I just cant concentrate. I have plenty of other things to do, so I never feel guilty when I push my school work to the side to do actual work, or to earn a few extra bux with the publisher, but now I am stressing myself out because I am behind.
So tomorrow, I am going to put my nose to the grind stone and just flat out keep working until I am 100% done with all of my classes. Now that I got the exercises done, if I can get my school work done, my stress level will decrease by over half I bet. Plus I will only have to turn in my capstone and I will be completely done with my masters, wow, i cant believe I just said that!.
Me: 42 H: 45 M: 18 yrs T: 20 yrs D: 17 D: 15 S: 12 I kicked him out 8/21/15 I will DB until March 21st 2017, that is it!
Wow, Jerkface as a nickname seems even more appropriate Mona. I know you say you're at a 4 with it, but it's ok if you're not. It's a betrayal and it feels like he's layering them one on top of the other with you.
Truly my heart goes out to you. I'd like to punch Jerkface for you too. What a crap thing to do to your entire family, not just to your spouse. He's got time and money to go have a fling but not to be concerned about his S. Completely unacceptable. You all deserve better.
I hope this fuels your work, but not so much that it doesn't allow you to have any peace in your life.
"For some reason I just can't concentrate" - Um...there's a reason my dear. Your world is turned upside down, school work is not priority #1 when you're living on survival instincts and adrenaline. I believe you can do it as you have been here before. You know how to DB. You know how to let the pain and anger finance your rise to the next level. I'm sorry it has to be this and not the love and support of someone that has your back and will rub your feet while you study.
You got this Mona. Your masters is within spitting distance so go get it.
Then pour yourself a margarita.
Big hug to you, face punch to JF.
PP
Last edited by PigPen; 12/04/1504:09 AM.
M 39 W 36 T5 M3 BD - 1/15 Separated - Same Day Served 9/15 D finalized 6/17
