Hi RAI. It's been a very long time since I posted on your thread but I was catching up. It sounds like you are in the midst of it all as I am and I understand the feelings and struggles you are having...GAL, holding WWs secrets from kids, friends, and family, financial uncertainties.....
you are doing great though. Don't let that SOB lawyer beat you up emotionally - it is what he is paid to do. You know the facts and should only deal with those - let the inflammatory words just be blah blah blah. (kind of like the teacher in the charlie brown).
I have dealt with these things with a half smile and even sometimes a wink to let them know they are not penetrating your armor. Then respond thoughtfully and without emotion dealing only with the facts.
I like your list of things you are grateful for - I will write my own too (there really are many). I will also post some songs on your playlist (that is a great idea).
I don't know what state you are in (for some reason I think we may be in the same), but the courts are favoring the 50/50 physical and legal custody arrangement we have worked out - one of our biggest challenges is common child bills and how they are being paid.
hang in there u-turn
Me-45 W-44 S21, S18, D15 T-27, M-21 BD Jan 2014 PA revealed March 2014 In-house separation - April 2015 I filed - Aug 2015 She moved out Oct 2015
I really am in the midst of it all. It is the eve of my Ws elective surgery and my hostile ILs will be staying in my house. I would be lying if I said I wasn't scared - terrified, actually. They are really awful people and have already stooped very low.
I hope I can keep my cool, and not let them bait me. I am very anxious and have a lot of fears - some real (based on past experiences) some imagined. I don't know if it is therapeutic to talk about or dwell on them but here are some of my fears:
1) They usually buy things that I don't approve of or are not good/healthy for the kids. 2) They buy things for the kids that I was going to buy for them - to steal my thunder. 3) They may expose my children to age-inappropriate things. 4) They may encourage the kids to transgress Jewish customs/Sabbath in our home. 5) They may invite OM to our house. The last time they visited there were a bunch of new flowers in our flower bed. Ostensibly planted by my 79 year old FIL, and not by the OM - who is a landscaper- give me a break!! 6) They may be delivering documents to Ws L that will condemn my case. My W is now claiming that a gift we received from my FIL for the down payment on our house was, in fact, a loan. I am fearful they will produce a document - real or forged - and they will use this to get the house for free.
I know some of these things may seem trivial to some of you (thank goodness the forum is anonymous), and were they to come to fruition, some of these are merely ego-damaging or emasculating. But others can be really damaging. I am afraid to assert myself to them because they may be recording everything. Then they can have Ws pit bull L spin it to assault my character.
I am planning to not talk to ILs at all. I am also planning to take the kids out for Sabbath meals so as to lessen their exposure. The kids know that our relationship has soured and one of them has even vowed to help me if they see me losing control. We have an action plan - he will take me out of the house for a walk.
A short prayer: May it be thy will, Lord, our G-d, that I pass the next week in peace, with complete peace of mind that you are in control, and that my children are not adversely influenced by the forces that conspire against me. Also, please grant me the patience I need to pass the next week with a smile on my face.
I wish you the best. Try not to obsess over things you can't control. Don't let them steal your happiness. Try to be as adaptive as possible.
Me: 32 W: 29 T:8 M: 6 D4 S2 M - 8/2008 W is not happy - 1/2014 W wants D - 9/2014 W moved out - 11/2014 D filed - 1/23/2015 D'ed - 2/25/2015 Gave X the Letter - 11/10/2015
It's funny that you were the first to reply because immediately after I posted, I found your Tim Robbins quote in your new thread. It reminded me that I really need to appreciate what I have. I have written a list of things that I appreciate and am thankful for, but it is too easy to forget that list when I let the stress get to me - i.e. obsess of the the things I cannot control. I am going to revisit the list.
I am trying to adapt. It is just hard when someone stomps on your turf.
About your house sitch with the down payment being a loan or a gift. I have been down that path. My father claimed an interest in the home that I was selling to stop the sale of the house.
But it was a house that he had agreed to purchase and signed off on financing condition and it fell through, I stepped in and bought the house to live in, I was approved for the mortgage and my F gifted the down payment. The L drafted a paper that stated it was a gift for the bank. F did not sign it the L did acting on his behalf.
With the failed agreement of purchase of sale my F was able to convince a judge that he had interest in the house and a lawsuit was granted. He claimed that I was holding the house in trust for him until he could take over the payments. I was living in the house for five years before this happened.
After a short battle and much expense I lost the house. My parent lost me as a son as well.
My point is that you are right, if they decide to take you to court you could loose the house as it might not be worth the fight to keep the house. As was my sitch.
Me late 30's W mid 30's T 15, M 10 S4, S7 ILYBNILWY June 2015 In house S July 2015 W rings off Oct 2015 My ring off Feb 2015 Separate houses June 2016
Chin Up Buddy. I don't want to be a hypocrite - I have had concerns with some of these things at one time or another. But let me see what I can do to offer some reassurance.
Let's see here....
Originally Posted By: RAI
1) They usually buy things that I don't approve of or are not good/healthy for the kids. 2) They buy things for the kids that I was going to buy for them - to steal my thunder. 3) They may expose my children to age-inappropriate things.
I'm going to lump all of these together. Your in-laws may very well steal your thunder and buy the kids age inappropriate things. Look - this happens all the time, even in functional that are not in the throes of divorce. First of all, usually kids tire of new toys pretty quickly, now matter how special and shiny. Second- turn this around and view this as an opportunity to talk to your kids about your own values, how these items may conflict with them, and get them to think about what they want their values to be. I had to get D7 a phone recently. I hated doing it - but wanted her to have it in case of emergency or if there was some misunderstanding with her dad about who was picking her up. I limit her to two ten minute phone calls a day and she's not allowed to take calls after dinner. We had a long conversation about the fact that when we are together as a family in the evening, it's important that we all be present for one another and not have our noses burrowed into our electronics (I make sure I put my phone away too). So far, its worked well. Yesterday she did answer her phone after dinner, but it was only to tell her friend that she couldn't talk because it was family time. So far, so good.
Originally Posted By: RAI
4) They may encourage the kids to transgress Jewish customs/Sabbath in our home.
RAI- it's hard to raise kids in a faith. And ultimately, when they grow up, they are going to make their own decisions. Just like the inappropriate gifts, this is an area that you can influence. You can model the behavior that you value. You can explain why it is meaningful to you and them. Ultimately, they will have to draw their own conclusions. Sure, it would be easier and more helpful if your entire extended family was on the same page. But they aren't. And that is going to be your reality. It may have already been your reality. Work with what you've got. It's enough.
Originally Posted By: RAI
5) They may invite OM to our house. The last time they visited there were a bunch of new flowers in our flower bed. Ostensibly planted by my 79 year old FIL, and not by the OM - who is a landscaper- give me a break!!
Ew..yes that's icky. I remember how it felt when I realized OW had been in my home. Yuck. Ultimately, it's pretty small potatoes and I think you know that.
Originally Posted By: RAI
6) They may be delivering documents to Ws L that will condemn my case. My W is now claiming that a gift we received from my FIL for the down payment on our house was, in fact, a loan. I am fearful they will produce a document - real or forged - and they will use this to get the house for free.
Usually when you get a mortgage with help from relatives, they have to supply a gift letter stating that they don't expect the money back as a condition of the loan. Did they do that? Yes- they could forge something and persuade a judge- but you I bet you have a compelling case on your side as well (are there any history of payments being made on this "loan"?). Don't assume the worst will happen.
Vise and Raliced, thanks for stopping in. I am sorry I have not stopped by lately. I am so busy. I will try to stop by your threads at some point. I don't know how some Dbers are able to make them so available to help. I hope to be able to pay it forward one day.
Vise, I am sorry that you lost your house and it strained your relationship with your F. regarding my house, I actually don't want the house, but I do want my share of the equity in house. They are desperate to underestimate the value of the house. I think losing the house would be a financial and ego blow, but I can survive that. It is the not knowing. They are dangling this alleged document right outside of my view.
Raliced, How are you? I know a lot of my fears are petty, not rational, yet experienced by so many of us. Thanks for corroborating and validating. So far, they have not produced the documents. perhaps they never will. who knows?
I will be sleeping in our bedroom tonight. We can put S4 in bed with me if you want his bed or D6 and you can sleep in her bed tonight." (my italics added)
I kicked WW out of MB about 8 months ago. She has not slept there since. As I have mentioned, my WW had an elective surgical procedure today. She invited my hostile ILs to take care of her. I was wondering how they would use this to bait me, and now I know. Read her email again. Notice the absence of any common courtesy. It is not even a request. It is a matter-of-fact command. Warning: my ego is going into overdrive right now.
As far as I can fathom, there is no reason she has to sleep in the MB. She could easily sleep in S4's room. I am sure if I challenged her, she would have some excuse why sleeping in my S4s room would not work for her. There is also no reason why I need to leave the MB. There are two beds. The only thing I could think of is if she wants my step-MIL to sleep in the bed with her (a thought that makes me vomit in my mouth). But she also said the she will tolerate S4 in the room with her. So what gives?
I was thinking about the following reply: "As you are recovering from your surgery, you are welcome to sleep in my bedroom, but I am not leaving the bedroom unless you have a valid reason for me to leave. We can separate the beds, if you'd like. Have a speedy recovery, RAI". (I intentionally wrote "my bedroom"; she ceded her right to that bedroom a long time ago)
However, I am sure they are looking for a fight. I am also sure that they will try to make me look like the bad guy. Then her pit bull L will just have more fodder to paint her as the victim and make me look like the villain. They can also use this as an excuse to vilify me to the kids. It is a lose-lose proposition for me: lose my respect or look like the villain.
Do I grin and bear it? Do I reply at all? Do I run this by my L? I don't want to give them the satisfaction and I also don't want them disrespecting me in my own home. Do I insist on remaining in the room? do I just yield on everything, taking the long view that they will soon be out of the house? Perhaps I should just take out all my stuff from the room preemptively for the night and not say anything. Do I set a time limit so she does not overstay her welcome?
The more I write, the more the answer is clear. In the long run, it would be beneficial to me and my children to swallow my pride and yield like water. The hostile ILs are not going to be here forever. I now think a better, slightly less snarky reply would be: "As you are recovering from your surgery, you are welcome to sleep in my bedroom. Please do what you need to do to get better. In the future, however, please try to be a bit more courteous in your emails. Have a speedy recovery, RAI"
Does anyone have any guidance or thoughts? Am I about to make a huge mistake?
I am gratuitously bumping my thread - something I am loathe to do - because I would really like an opinion regarding how to respond to my Ws antics before I go home in the next hour. I know that you all have other things to do, and you may not be aware of my sitch at all. Still, if anyone is out there, any encouragement will do.
By all means get a legal opinion if this is causing you anxiety. It seems like most of this stuff doesn't matter in court, but states vary. I'd let her sleep in the bedroom while she recuperates. Keep your email all business- who sleeps where and for how long. Refrain from the commentary about courtesy. That won't get you anywhere.
